camy-swann - Tumblr blog

[camy-swann]

"I cant draw" then do it bad who gives a fuck.....

[camy-swann]

I like being loved

It's a nice feeling

That someone's taking care of you

Maybe I have more trust issues than I think I do

Maybe I developed a sense of isolation and hiper individuality from a young age, and I took care of myself and I don't know when I exagerate because I still feel with a heart of a child

But I know I like being loved

Maybe it's time I let someone take care of myself other than me

[camy-swann]

I don't know when was the last time I truly 100% felt an emotion, a positive one I mean, cause bad ones I have felt maybe 2-3 times at full power in the last couple of months

But true, raw happiness? I don't know

And that's sad, really

I guess, hello darkness my old friend

[camy-swann]

I saw one of my old posts and I was ranting about "you'll understand when you get older" and I was fuming about the people who said that, but the problem wasn't the ignorant people who told me that, it is the fact that you don't necessarily understand when you get older, because you can be 90 y/o and still not understand, it is the fact that "you will understand when you go through some shit in life which will make you understand" and I think that's the difference

Because I already went through some shit and when people used to tell me that I was fuming because I understood but on another level, now I still have the same concept even tho it's elevated, but even then people didn't think I truly understood that I had got it

So yeah, hello again

[camy-swann]

Oh to be young and in love

...

I embraced him with all my power

When I sensed his shallow breathing I let go

"do you wanna breathe?"

"I don't care if I suffocate, as long as I die in your arms. if I'd be a poet, I'd write you a thousand poems, you're a muse but I'm just a peasant"

....

"you deserve to be loved"

"you deserve all the things in the world"

"I want to be by your side and offer you those things, and I'm thrilled that I'm the one to give you all of this, but so sad that no one has given you these before"

...

Young love

[camy-swann]

Hello darkness my old friend

Suferința are gust de țigări

Amar, majoritar, ocazional bun, ocazional te face sa simți că trăiești, de cele mai multe ori te simți de rahat

O să ajung cu țigările cum am făcut cu alcoolul

Le evit pentru că îmi aduc aminte de depresie

Ar trebui să îmi adun rahaturile

Also, nu sunt alții, eu am prieteni, nu sunt singură, asta trebuie să țin minte.

[camy-swann]

Wow, so, diary, hello to my fucked up life

Yeah, I had some quirky dreams related to my past but that's another story, the thing is, I had a heart to heart with my dad and:

He's a fuckin asshole, he said that "women always think and do what they want for their own good" basically saying that we are all serpents

Also, beside misogynistic, homophobic, he is also a hypocrite, quote: "Caesar dixit"

(when I asked him what choice we made as a family, he said " *we* didn't make a choice *I* did. Caesar dixit" )

Yeah, and that he is thinking about separating from my mother

So yeah, ✨ life is good ✨

[camy-swann]

So, Aquarius super full moon manifestation

✨ i am healthy, my money is flowing and my wallet is full, my lover and I are happy together, he just got his degree, my bff and I are planning a trip together and life is happy, my family is finally calmer and I feel content with myself as I am the best version available of myself, life at uni is good and im better than ever, life is good ✨

[camy-swann]

Okay, so if I don't write this out I think I'm gonna explode, I'm overthinking again✨ and it's fuckin my head up

Little backstory:

Once upon a time, when me and John were talking about our families I told him how my mom had me at 20 and that I wasn't sure I wanted kids and that I would think of them after 26, he said same, but after 30, anyway fast forward, he said he wanted two kids, two boys, to be specific, "two boys, so I can take them out biking and they will play and fall and beat eachother like morons", and my first thought, I didn't tell him, was "and what if they're girls?"

Last fuckin night I had a dream of us as a family with two girls and my mom woke me up in the middle of that dream to do some chores with her, anyway, fast forward a few hours and I saw that he was active on social media, which he never is this early on a Saturday, and this evening he posted an inverted pic on his ig story of his hand holding a cigarette butt and a drink at his home, at sunset

My pendulum said that he had sensed this morning my emotions and thats why he woke up early and that he put the story out for me, to know that he is thinking about me, maybe wishing that we were together, like an invitation to drink together

My thoughts are racing, fuck my life

Hope I get better

Fuck love

See you at my next anxiety attack/nervous breakdown

✨

[camy-swann]

So, today is new moon in leo

Wishes/affirmations to manifest because I'm extra like that ✨

I'm happy and healthy and becoming the best version of myself

I am happily succeeding in uni and getting a scholarship

My relationship with my boyfriend is awesome, we love eachother and communicate easily

My bank account is flowing, my luck is skyrocketing and my wallet is chock- full of cash

I don't feel the need of money, I am content with my financial situation

My skin has never been clearer and my body is healthy and I'm happy with myself

My career opportunities are already in sight as I'm succeeding in my university courses

I love my teachers and my colleagues, communication is awesome and I'm understanding the subjects easily

I am happy with myself and my appearance matches that feeling

My life is falling into place and I can enjoy the opportunities that the universe is throwing in my way with ease and hope

So mote it be

This is the most powerful new moon in the year, these affirmations will become true up until the next new moon in leo next year

Stay safe

Be happy

✨

[camy-swann]

✨third post✨

So, mental health check and relationship check

I am still numb

And depressed

But

I have a relatively happy mood and approach

(when I am not sad and crying, ofc)

So

On his birthday I sent him a long long text saying how I love him and miss him and wishing him happy birthday, he thanked me and cause he was exhausted he said he'll reply later

(he never got to do that)

Also, we've been chatting on and off and I had to go and put my file into uni, so I can secure my place there and asked him for some advice regarding student accommodation, as his brother is still in uni, he replied and we talked, I called him out of habit "beloved" and he called me "baby" and I cried out of happinesses, than he called me his "beloved" and I was almost melting, but then he ignored me out of the blue for three days and I asked the pendulum and it said that he lost his phone, and guess what? He lost his fuckin phone

We than talked daily, and even if we didn't call eachother any cute petnames, (tho he called me "sweety" and "cutie pie" a couple of times) but we talked just as if nothing happened and we were back together for good

Until yesterday, when he had to go to a nearby (relatively) city for work and he said that he would go home for the weekend

He messaged my bff telling her that he wants them to meet (not implying that he wants me to come along even tho that was his real reason for asking, cause he knows that my parents wouldn't let me out if I wasn't with her or had an important reason)

She flipped out cause he asked like a jerk and was a complete asshole in this whole situation

(she had 100% rights to do that)

Then, he explained to me the situation, I didn't know what to say, I was confused, he wanted to play pubg and let me think and than I said "not now" and he replied that he will stay and I was stunned and said that I am confused but grateful that he did that and he said that "I listen to only one person" (in the sense "I obey only one person") and I asked in disbelief "and that's me? I did not expect that" and he said that "no one should expect anything from me" that shit confused the hell out of me and when I asked him he said that he was confused too and that he will leave to play his game, I asked him about his feelings (he left me in unseen)

About two hours later I messaged him that he should go to sleep (he was going to work early) and he told me very rudely that he wants to put a stop to anything we had (friendship or more), that he doesn't want to give me false hopes, and that he's mean and a total asshole, and I shouldn't try anymore as he's not good for me and he hurts me

Hurt, I replied that he is relatively right, that I am sorry for pushing him and hoping that it isn't a full stop, in respect for what we had together

He just said "goodnight!" and disconnected

I replied "goodnight" and he left me in unseen for about 18 hours

...

Yeah

I'm okay

Relatively

I cried

I danced

I cursed

I put makeup on and took pictures

I try to survive

I'm relatively alright

Cause it wasn't a breakup

It was worse :)))

And i didn't expect it to feel this intense

But i know his feelings, and heart and himself

Because I loved him (still do, that shit ain't easy to get over)

Anyway, the tarot cards and pendulum said that I shouldn't get 100% over him

Cause he won't do that

He will try and (hopefully) succeed in becoming a better version of himself ( for me, cause he loves me) and he will apologize to my bff and then try to make things better between us

(he thinks I will get over him)

(if the pendulum is right , and it usually is, he was a jerk to me so that I can move on and stop being hurt by him, he doesn't regret it, as he thinks he's doing me a good deed [and he actually is, bless his heart, poor child], although he's suffering and missing me and loving me with all his heart and he tries to be a better man and wants to be a better man for me)

But he won't try anything until we can see eachother face to face, cause we can't do a long distance relationship any more, as our feelings are so fucked up cause we grew attached to eachother immensely

So until October at least that's it

That was love

"and our love is gone,

Blue flower, blue flower "

-M. Eminescu

:))

I'm mentally ill 😂

It's okay

[camy-swann]

I haven't looked into it, what's it about HD 186 302 that you like a lot?

We only have one example of how life formed. If we had even one other example, even if it was within our own solar system, it would vastly improve our understanding of how abiotic materials make the jump to biotic. But since we don’t have any other examples, all we have to go on is what we know about ourselves.

It comes down to the organic molecules which are the necessary building blocks for life as we know it. We’ve found them in protoplanetary disks— solar systems that haven’t finished forming.

An entire solar system forms together, all at about the same time, shortly after the star is born. For the most part, everything in a solar system will be made of roughly the same Stuff.

What this means is: the most likely place to find Earth-like life outside of our planet is within our own solar system.

It also means that second most likely place to find Earth-like life is in the solar system of our long-lost twin.

Recent studies have suggested that all stars are born in pairs. The vast majority of stars are actually binary systems, two stars orbiting around each other. Our solar system is an outlier. This doesn’t usually happen.

So…. where is our twin? Obviously, something happened and the stars got flung in wildly different directions. But a group of astronomers found 17,000 potential candidates, which they narrowed down to 55, and then to 4 stars that matched ours. And finally, HD 186302 was declared the most likely match. Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to detect any transits to see if it has planets yet…

….but the James Webb Telescope will be able to.

We’re still learning new things all the time, so it’s possible HD 186302 isn’t our solar sibling after all. Regardless, we have a solar twin out there somewhere, like another batch of cookies made from the same batter as ours.

The James Webb Telescope has me unreasonably excited for what amazing new discoveries we may potentially find.

[camy-swann]

Second post ✨

Because I am extra like that

And I am just as dramatic or even worst than my bff's crush (ugh, i get shivers just for admitting that)

So

Predictions for this fall/around october:

My ex will get where he wants to be ( spiritually/mentally)

He will apologize to my bff cause he's been a total asshole

He will have a heart to heart chat with her and he will make her understand where he's coming from

She will forgive him

He will ask her if he still has got a chance with me

(he will think that I got over him and don't love him anymore)

She will tell him the truth

He will have a chat with me

And I think that we will make up

Idk for sure

Depends on him

Anyway, if we make up we will take it slow

( *slow* me thinking that we will probably not let go of eachother for at least 12 hours after we make up)

:))

Anyway, another afirmation for the full moon:

I am happy

I am healing

I accept myself as I am

[camy-swann]

✨ I'm back bitches ✨

So, tonight is full moon in capricorn, sun in cancer with conjunction in pluto

Affirmations:

I got in the best place for myself in university

My place in the student accommodation is reserved

I got the best roommates I could've asked for

My ex loves me and wants to get back with me (that's a general truth, but I'll put it here)

He's working on his issues and succeeding

I am the best version of myself that I can be right now

My bank account is flowing

(I sure hope so)

My energy is busting

I am achieving everything that I wanted to do and couldn't

I am blessed

My luck is flowing

I am content with myself

My life is becoming better as days pass

I am perfectly accepting myself as I am

[camy-swann]

I'm better but I'm also worst

Because I feel just like after the heartbreak

Because I now know for sure that I'm not enough

Fuck my life

I want to be enough for myself

But I can't even do that

I want to cry

And sleep

I think I'm mourning again

But this time feels sadder

Idk

Depression?

She is with me almost always

:))

Hello darkness my old friend

Mentally I'm better

I think

At the soul level

I'm fucked up

My heart is in pieces

I don't even know if I have one anymore

Because I put a ribbon on the rest of it and served it to him on a silver platter

And he basically told me that he can't accept it

So yeah

I can't even say fuck you anymore

Not because I literally cant

But because I don't have the energy anymore

It's ok

I know I will be okay

It's just that I'm not ok rn

But I will be

I know

Future me, if you read this, I hope you'll be better than this

:/

[camy-swann]

In the time between this post and the other I realised that the rage is gone

Now it's just sadness

Emptyness

Acceptance

This was it

I'm sorry to myself because I've been through this shit

Fuck it

I hope I see this in six months and laugh

And see that I won't ever be through this hell again

Fuck it

He doesn't deserve me

Never did

Never will

And I'll make sure that I will be my best self

So that I'll never do that mistake again

Accepting less than I deserve

I'm officially in my bad bitch era

Enjoy the show

:)

[camy-swann]

Ok

Life plan

For the next summer

I want to get into uni

I want to clear my skin and lose some weight

Have a clean sleep schedule

Begin fuckin journaling

Work on my tarot skills

Embroider

Watch the shows that I never got to watch

Spice up my Instagram account

Take some bomb ass pics

Make myself a dress

Learn how to do my make up

Find myself.

Be content with myself.

I can't believe that he was fuckin right

I was high on clouds and never saw the land untill I crashed face first into the cold dark reality

" never base your happiness on another person"

That's why they say love kills

Tomorrow I will begin my fuckin journey to better myself

And for real this time

Not another failed excuse

"it's just me myself and I"

"I got me for life"

Fuck my life

I won't let anyone do this to me again

I thought my heart was healing

Well fuck you

It was actually hardening

Making itself into stone

It won't bleed again

Never.

We mourn now so we can be strong tomorrow.

It's the last tears that I will ever shed

For myself

For what I was

For what I could have been

Just if

If

If

If

But it will never happen

Yeah

The first love is always the hardest

Well fuck my life

This was it

:)