candyhatestumbler

[candyhatestumbler]

October can’t come soon enough

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I’m uninstalling Tumblr 🤷🏾‍♀️

Signed female presenting nipples.....

[candyhatestumbler]

One of the contractors at work drove past my shack on a forklift yesterday, stopped, backed up to my window and said, “hey, do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?”

My knee jerk response when asked this, even if it’s by a companionable dude old enough to be my dad, is to go, “uh, nah-” and then ramble uncomfortably until someone stops me-

-which is what I started to do, only to be cut off by Contractor saying, in an embarrassed rush, “some of the guys were asking me because you and I talk sometimes, but I didn’t want them to hit on you at work, so I told them that you Worship the Devil and would Hex them if they tried. I’m sorry.”

Which leaves me wheezing helplessly, trying to get my shit together, because this is honestly one of the nicest, most hysterical things I’ve ever heard someone say to me.

Oblivious to this, Contractor then follows up with, “and they were like ‘forreal??’ so I was like, ‘yeah, she’s probably a sadist, too, you can tell by her jewelry. She’ll stab you or something.’”

And tbh I can’t even come up with anything witty to say in response, so all I manage to choke out is, “pleASE LET THEM CONTINUE TO THINK THAT, I’M BEGGING YOU.”

And Contractor just smiles and is like, “Okay! I just wanted to let you know!” before driving off with his forklift.

Like?? Thank god for Contractor tbh. He’s an angel among men, and I hope the rest of his life is filled with prosperity and happiness and like, that he finds $20 on the ground every week for the rest of his life.

[candyhatestumbler]

y’all hear about this Payless shoestore prank ???

fucking wild levels of hilarious

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*Walks past mirror after gettin out the shower*

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Lol oh no

Value village find 😂

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Oh no.

[candyhatestumbler]

girl he’s not mysterious he just doesn’t know himself well enough to have a clear cut personality complete with nuances and strong values

[candyhatestumbler]

There are women who have been literally shamed for shaving but go off I guess.

you know what? women shouldn’t be expected to shave anywhere and that’s the tea

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Y’all.. what Danai be doing to these men 😂💗