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I'm tired of taking pills. I'm tired of not feeling better. I am so lonely. I miss your voice in my ear. I miss the days you still loved me. I miss when I wasn't like this. I don't know how I'm supposed to live like this, and now I am going to live like this without you by my side. I guess at least one of us should be happy.

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7/04/25

The days have been easier recently. I don't know how long this peace will last. I still remember the feeling of drowning in the illness too vividly in my mind. I still hear the voices in my memory. All things that remind me that I am not normal.

I don't know how people with Bipolar disorder are happy. You brought me happiness when we were together. But looking at it I see how unhappy I was despite your efforts. I wasn't happy by myself. You made my days easier. Up until you didn't. I grew afraid of hurting you. So I avoided harder conversations. I deflected. Stopped taking accountability. I stopped growing. I was trying so hard to stay the same. Or keep what was left of me the same.

I couldn't handle making mistakes. I held them against myself. Then when you called me out and made your criticisms... I just couldn't handle it. I reacted wrongly. I snapped. I got defensive. I threw it back at you.

I became someone I didn't recognize. I pushed you to a point you see a life without me as better.

Now I'm alone at night. With the same illness. Just without you.

I'm sorry for what I've done and how I've treated you. I don't know how to make amends, especially when you don't want anything to do with me.

I've decided to try and grow. To do what I can to overcome my illness. To be happy. To have a full cup of my own so I don't just keep taking from others.

It's really hard going through life without you. It's hard thinking that maybe you don't think about me at all. Or that you don't miss me at all. That I've hurt you so badly that we're nothing to each other now.

I still love you. I don't know if I can stop. If I'll ever stop.

I'm so tired... It's like no matter how much rest I get, my body aches and my mind feels so fatigued. Symptoms of the illness. Things the medicine doesn't help with.

I wish I wasn't like this. If I wasn't.. then maybe we would have been happier. Maybe we'd still be together. Maybe I wouldn't have hurt you as much as I had.

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various works by Miho Kajioka

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"I'm a coward when it comes to matters of the heart. That is my fatal flaw."

~ Haruki Murakami

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"What matters most is how well you walk through the fire."

~Charles Bukowski

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"Before you speak let your words pass through three gates: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?"

~ Buddha

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Rumi & Jinu from Kpop Demon Hunters

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you're doing amazing sweetie KPOP DEMON HUNTERS (2025)

bonus:

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sometimes found family also includes a supernatural tiger & six-eyed bird 🥺

KPOP DEMON HUNTERS (2025)

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photo: David Castenson

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Lotus flower reflected

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06/23/25

I am back here where it all began. I don't know why I'm here. Maybe I'm just looking for any kind of connection to you. Anything from the past or present to just hold on to now that I've lost you. I don't think I'll find anything that will make the loss I feel lessen. You told me we live with the choices we made. I made all the wrong ones. How do you live with that?

August 25, 2013 we met on Tumblr. September 20, 2015 I asked you out. March 11, 2017 we met for the first time. November 27, 2023 we got married.

Now October 21st, 2025 will be when we get divorced. You have already blocked me on everything. You have also already moved on and are with someone else.

This has been so difficult for me to accept. I understand why you're doing the things you are. I understand why you feel the way you do. I put you through a lot. I have hurt you over the years. So much, that you don't love me anymore. What's worse is that when you tried to leave, I didn't respect your decision. I got scared of being left alone. I got scared that my apology to you didn't mean anything in terms of changing your mind. I involved your parents. I didn't think that they would react the way they did. I didn't think they would treat you so horribly. You were so angry at me. Maybe still are. You said I was verbally abusive and controlling. We both spent so much of our time telling ourselves I wasn't. We lied to ourselves and each other, to console one another and ourselves. But the truth comes out eventually. I wish it hadn't been because I pushed you to a point you broke.

I am so sorry, Danica. I failed you in so many ways. I wish I could talk to you. Really talk to you.

I regret that I didn't go get help for my mental illness for the ten years we were together. I was scared of it being real. I was scared of having to really accept that I have something and have to live with it. I ran away. I swept it under the rug. I told myself I wasn't "that bad".

But I was. I just got worse and worse as time passed, as hard as I tried to stay the person I used to be before I got ill. I hurt you so much with my outbursts. My quick temper. The times I'd slip in and out of reality. You'd console me. Tell me you understood. That it's not really me. I'd feel so grateful. But also so disgusted with how I kept repeating the cycle. But I guess I wasn't disgusted enough because I didn't go get help. I thought I was managing it. But I wasn't. I was living in a lie. A fucking delusion. You suffered for my choices. I wish that I had made better ones.

Knowing I'm Bipolar Type 1, makes me feel worse instead of better. I've learned a lot about the illness. I reflect on a lot of my actions in the past and how I reacted. So many things made sense. But at the same time it all just feels like a cop out. How convenient right? Everything really wrong was because of the Bipolar Disorder? Here I am blaming the illness again. Here I am not taking accountability. I really want to take accountability. Make amends. Make things right between us. But how do I do it without sounding like I'm just scapegoating it? Will you even care to hear me out? Have you just written me off your abuser and that there is nothing redeemable about me?

I feel that way a lot. I do all the things I think I should've so that the end of our life together isn't for nothing. I go to every doctor appointment. I take every pill. I don't miss doses. I sleep now. I eat right. I researched the illness. I ask questions. I enrolled in a program to understand how to manage my emotions and interact with people better.

But you know, Danica? It doesn't feel like it'll ever be enough. I wish I could show you how hard I'm working to change. To be better.

I miss you every day. I still love you. I wish I had been better. I wish I had been braver to go to the doctor sooner. I'm sorry it took you divorcing me to finally go. I'm sorry that even now I don't feel like I'm strong enough without you. I'm sorry I am so weak. If only I had been stronger. If only I had been braver. I could have spared us so much pain.

Please take care of yourself. I hope from the bottom of my heart you find healing and happiness. I will always root for you. Even if you no longer want anything to do with me. I will always pray for you and your happiness. I won't ever forget you and what you've done for me.

I love you.

Miki