samtran1022

[samtran1022]

Life updates…

About every 6 months I reflect upon the titles of my life, the feels I’ve felt, the insight I’ve gained, and how these titles impact me and my headspace.

The theme of the second half of 2023 & what I’m seeking for/needing in my life: communion (ie, the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level).

Life as a mom… PJ is about to turn three years old and LT just had his first birthday a couple months ago. Literally each day they get older, the better mom life gets. I feel mostly like myself, yet somehow a more actualized/evolved version. PJ still loves dinosaurs and has a budding obsession with monster trucks; he is entering his threenager phase, with very loud 15-20 minute emotional meltdowns. LT is walking and learning to do so much more on his own, he will often wedge himself to be as physically close to us as possible (ie, when we’re doing dishes, cooking on the stove, etc), he is more prone to crying when he doesn’t get his way (which still triggers me, yet I grit my teeth thru it and validate his emotions). Watching the two interact with each other has plenty of comedic content; naturally, they are as alike as they are different. PJ will independent play, Lucas will antagonize, and the conflict will usually be resolved with violence lol my goal is to teach them the tools to peacefully resolve conflict without the need for an adult to step in and referee every single battle. A task that will take many years, yet with consistency, dedication, and many… many deep breaths, I think we got this. Check again in 10-15 years lol the truth is, I believe that sometimes violence is the answer. Hence my goal to eventually put the two in whatever sports they request, whether that be dance, Muay Thai, or golf. Oh at this time, Lucas does seem highly attuned to basketball! He also is prone to hit his head a lot, so football seems a highly probable route as well, we shall see. My ultimate parenting goal is to have a secure relationship with each son, one where we can call each other as adults and make plans to see each other simply because we enjoy each others company. The older they get, the more I find I don’t have to push myself to seek out a sliver of joy.

Life as a wife… a lot of this may sound like waffle and that’s intentional, for I have learned not every issue needs to be unloaded for everyone to have an opinion on; my journey into marriage has provided the most difficult of life lessons with regard to the traits I initially lacked understanding on; from patience to discretion, security to safety, physical touch to body acceptance. Anything worth having is certainly worth putting in the work to achieve, which seems to bring about the fact hardship is necessary in any relationship. Considering the fact my parents were divorced when I was 3 years old should shed some light to my feels on marriage. Nearly 15 years into this relationship (8 of those married), I now hold a much more warm and trusting relationship to the institution of marriage. Life isn’t just about me; each and every single day, I make the choice to prioritize love and heart over ego and pride. Don’t get me wrong, there are still several times a week I want to snap about something that annoys the shit out of me lol yet I’ve found it’s in much less frequency than our early years and it’s much easier to either make a clear request of something that bothers me or recognize the pettiness of it and bite my tongue. From what has grown into the favorite romantic relationship of my life, I’ve had the opportunity to learn how to love heartbreak, as paradoxical as it sounds. Relationships aren’t JUST about communication in and of itself, it’s largely the nuance, the clarity and specificity of my observations and requests, the ability to own how I feel and recognize what needs are or are not being met. To deliver all the above with kindness and consideration is incredibly difficult, yet I’m fortunate to share the goal to improve communication with my partner. Fortunately I’ve never much cared for exclusivity, I do not absolutely care to always be right and have things my way. Perspective is everything, it’s unbelievably cool to have someone I look forward to spending time with, one that matches my energy to simultaneously support yet gently push, one that I constantly laugh with and express my appreciation towards. We just finished a 6 month round of marital therapy, I especially appreciate how our therapist was rooting for us to develop our own tools and solutions to address any issues, while also encouraging us to agree to disagree at times. Living with and loving your best friend can be weirdly beautiful.

Life as a corporate customer service rep… I’ve finally reached one of my life goals! I feel so fortunate to say I like my job; in this commodified world we live in, NGL this is quite the flex. I appreciate and enjoy speaking on my subject matter expertise, if y’all ever wanna know anything about Clinical Microbiology (ie E.coli, MRSA, UTI, sepsis, etc) just lemme talk for 5 minutes, see how much I compel you. I’ve lived a lot of my life in a career where I had the Sunday scaries, I was tied to a time clock and treated like a third grader. I can promise you overt monitoring does not seem warranted in many scenarios, work included. I am no stranger to the heaviness of a distrustful work environment, how it tarnishes your soul and crushes your spirit. No wonder it’s so easy for me to express gratitude when I sit in my own car (listening to my own music with climate control) on the way to a customer site, I don’t mind remoting in and assisting for a few hours, nor do I mind being in a hotel for a week to support a customer who has well surpassed their project timeline. The customer service component of the role holds the largest source of contention, yet I am persistent in building trust throughout my SoCal customer base, I’m okay with being patient. If it takes 5-15 years to build trust, that’s reasonable. Thems are the consequences of commodification, counteracting fear and anxiety with understanding and empathy. It might be a larger energy investment upfront, yet I’ve got hope it’ll pay off exponentially in the long run.

Life as a daughter… this might be where I’ve felt a large release of emotional baggage in the past few months. I chose to visit my mother when we went back home for LT’s first birthday, I felt like it was somehow my duty, to provide an opportunity for my mother to be a grandmother. I found being around my mother brought about such a large disparity of emotions; I finally saw outside myself, forcing any relationship (including mother-daughter) will inevitably spread me thin. I continue to say it again and again… I need the people I choose in my life to match my energy, I’m all about that balance yo. I’ve finally come to a level of acceptance; I used to say the words in therapy yet I was not fully intentional nor convinced of their conviction. I no longer yearn for relationships that aren’t there, I clearly see what I deserve, I can mourn the loss of what will not come to be because of others inability to change, grow, and take accountability.

Life as an individual… the time spent in my home town lead me to deactivate my Instagram. I just did it, no warning, which is surprising; I’m not often impulsive. As the months went on, I found a quietness in my mind and natural state of mindfulness. I’m sleeping better, haven’t had issues with insomnia or alcohol addiction, haven’t had as many body image issues nor am I often plagued by inadequacy demons. I’ve come to learn I am the type of person who seeks meaningful connection; IG likes, comments, and viewers were only providing a vapid infusion to my needs. Without constructive feedback, I was left to my own devices to fill in the blanks; it caused too much outside noise of discernment. The community I’ve been longing for has come together with the work I’ve put in to maintain contact (contradictory thanks to IG), from middle school to coworkers to mom friends in SoCal; I’m grateful for the incredible, beautifully complex folks who show up for me just as much as I show up for them, I appreciate how much we support each other from life issue to life issue. Otherwise, I have the same personal goals I’ve always had: lift 3x/week, walk 10k steps, bang out 10 body weight pull ups; diet has been a bit of a yo-yo cuz I knew I wanted to go full YOLO on vacation. I plan to reestablish my calorie deficit when we return home on my birthday, I’ve found a new love with ice baths and cold showers (especially helpful for recovery and any lingering pain, tension, or headaches) and I finished therapy with my third therapist. I keep thinking of reestablishing journaling, yet another goal for future Sam to keep in mind.

Life as a sister… is still a work in progress, and it’s intentionally last on this last. Here’s where baby steps and patience have been my best friends. Similar to the growth I’ve experienced as a daughter, I no longer yearn for what is not there. I can grieve what is lost and move toward acceptance of the present.