caomhnighean - Tumblr blog

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me just thinking “fuck it” and wanting to remake faith as an oc in a different time period (or a rdr2 oc goodbye) vs my extreme attachment to faith & brianna content vs me being indecisive as fuck anyway so what does it matter 

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westran‌ / bessie.

❝ come on now ,  i need someone to play against .  who knows ,  you might even  win  this time ! ❞    ( OPEN TO MUTUALS )

     ‘ Bessie, I ain’t never won against you the once, why would that change now? ’ She’s sitting though, isn’t she?

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nobody: me: so, red dead faith 

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I’m here as long as you need me.

dw7b. accepting.

     She wants to say thank you. Maybe please don’t leave, even in spite of her sister’s reassurance. The problem is, though, that Faith cannot find her voice. All she seems to be able to do is cry, sitting at the foot of her bed and staring off across the room at the carpet on what used to be Brianna’s side. She holds her hand in silence, like that might keep her around longer, even when her voice has failed her; what other way does she have to say I need you now more than ever? 

     Maybe she should explain herself. Maybe she should tell Brianna the grisly details of today’s disaster, and all the ways she tore her own world apart with three stupid, ugly words. She wants to scream. She holds Brianna’s hand a little tighter, though cannot bring herself to look at her. God, she’s so close with Dad, Faith is almost afraid she’ll take his side. That has to be irrational, though, right? Just a hang-up from the morning’s mess. 

     A heavy sigh slips past her lips. Even if Brianna will let her take her time, she thinks that if she doesn’t find her voice now, then it may never come. She swallows. 

     ‘ Do you really mean that? ’ isn’t what she means to say, but there it is. Even if she already knows the answer… it’s what she needs to hear. 

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You don’t have to be lonely.

dw7b. accepting.

     ‘ I get what you’re trying do and I appreciate it. But it’s a little more complicated than that. ’ 

     Not really, she supposes. Lena says you don’t have to be lonely and Faith says oh, I do actually. No matter how she really feels, no matter how she likes the idea of being with someone. It just never quite works out, does it? Things do not stay in Faith’s life, save for a precious few exceptions who remain far enough away that her mess of a life doesn’t drag them down quite so thoroughly, and everything else falls to bits, sooner or later. 

     She doesn’t have proof of this, of course. But just look at her mum, all the forces in her life that have ruined all the good, that have brought her so much pain… Maybe it is stupid to believe that they hold a sway over her as well, but she heard the Stones, felt their pull. She knows that whatever troubles her mother will come for her too, sooner or later. Maybe she does not have to be lonely, then, but it is better for her to be alone. 

     ‘ I’d try and explain it but I don’t think there’s enough alcohol in this whole building for me to be ready to. So — ’ She licks her lips, looks, for a moment, as if she might say something more. And then she shrugs her shoulder and finishes the rest of her drink without so much as another word. 

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You don’t have to be lonely. / aoife

dw7b. accepting.

     ‘ How could I be anything else, Aoife? ’ 

     And that is the sad and sorry truth of it, of course. Faith has, quite recently, come to understand that this world is not one that she will ever find peace in. Not her mother’s peace, at least, and not Fergus’. She has love, yes, but her bed is cold each night and any woman who holds her heart in her hands might throw it away the moment she realises that security is better than affection. And who could blame them, of course? A woman is nothing in this world without a man. Perhaps this is what makes her feel loneliest of all. She does not want to be part of any such thing, yet here she is stuck in this world and unable to do anything but scream and wail her frustrations to the precious few who will hear her and understand. 

     A sigh passes her lips. Faith rubs awkwardly at her eyes and she thinks, not for the first time, I wish I had been born a man. That she could move through this world with the ease of Jamie, that she might love and not be scared of it. If she were like her father, she could be who she wanted, not holding part of herself back and breaking her own heart in the process over and over and over again, miserable and lonely and empty even when surrounded by so much care and love. 

     She could weep. Her face cracks just so, and Faith leans to rest her forehead against Aoife’s shoulder. She does not know what else to do. 

     ‘ I have so much, I ken that, ’ she almost whispers, ‘ but it is as if I canna feel it. Only… Only what I dinna have. I am so lonely, Aoife. I’m feart it shall always be so. ’ 

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DOCTOR WHO SERIES ‘THE SNOWMEN’ + 7B sentence meme (7A here). feel free to change context/pronouns/etc as necessary.

What’s wrong with silly?

Oi! Where are you going? I thought we were just getting acquainted. 

I am opposed to your current apathy. 

Don’t worry. No one’s going to hurt you. 

What’s wrong with dangerous? 

Don’t come looking for me. Forget about me. You understand?

I don’t know why I’m crying. 

We saved the world, you and me. We really, really did. 

I’m way past strange. I think I’m probably incredible. 

I’m here as long as you need me. 

Actually, he’s about to go on holiday. Kill him when he gets back. Let’s not be unreasonable.

There is such a thing as too keen. 

When are you going to explain to me what the hell is going on? 

Are you an alien? 

I can’t tell the future, I just work there. 

Why do you keep looking at me like that? 

You’re young. Shouldn’t you be doing, you know, young things, with young people? 

Down, boy.

Come back tomorrow. Ask me again.

Do you know, I forget how much I like it here. We should come here more often.

Can you pretend like I’m totally a space alien and explain? 

However lost you may feel, you’ll never really be lost. Because I will always be here, and I will always come and find you. Every single time.

We don’t walk away.

You are unique in the universe.

Actually, I think I may have made a bit of a tactical boo-boo. 

You remind me of someone. Someone who died.

I’m not a bargain basement stand-in for someone else. 

I’m not going to compete with a ghost.

They’re scared? I’m scared. 

How did I do? Was I okay? 

Actually, it went just about as badly as it could have done but that wasn’t my fault. 

Is this how you want history to remember you?

So, where’s the ghost? Show me the ghost. It’s ghost time.

I’m giving you a face. Can you see me? Look at my face. 

I dare you. No takesies backsies. 

There’s no need to actually hold my hand. 

Don’t trust him. There’s a sliver of ice in his heart.

To you, I’m a ghost. We’re all ghosts to you. We must be nothing.

Not everything ends. Not love. Not always. 

Every lonely monster needs a companion.

This isn’t a ghost story, it’s a love story! 

I know what I said. I was the one who said it. 

I’d explain if I had some charts and a board pen. 

I’m so, so sorry. Sorry. Please, please forgive me.

Secrets protect us. Secrets make us safe. 

Time mends us. It can mend anything. 

I don’t want to forget.

I need to know if you feel safe. I need to know you’re not afraid. 

You’re the boss.

I’d love to stay and help clear up the mess, but…

The boss. Yep, that’s me. I am the boss. 

I think that was the most fun I’ve had in my whole life. 

I hate the future. It’s stupid. There’s not even phone service.

Why can’t you just leave me alone? 

You think he knows what he’s doing? 

You don’t have to be lonely. 

Sorry, but you’re about to make a very big mistake.

Was your mum deep on puddings? 

I’m a time traveller. I’ve probably time-travelled more than anyone else. 

Are you all right, my love? Can you hear me?

He didn’t even say goodbye. He doesn’t like endings.

Have we… Have we done this before? 

Here I am, late to my own funeral. Glad you could make it.

Have you ever thought what it’s like to be wanderers in the fourth dimension? 

You were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. 

Whatever you’re thinking of doing, don’t. 

If this works, get out of here as fast as you can. And spare me a thought now and then. 

You are always here to me. And I always listen, and I can always see you. 

I thought it would hurt too much. I thought it would hurt me, and I was right. 

It’s hard to leave when you haven’t said goodbye. 

Just this once, just for the hell of it, let me save you.

The name you choose, it’s like… it’s like a promise you make.

What I did, I did without choice. 

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* THE JOINING BINDS US TO THE DARKSPAWN. You know this. If you were to forswear your oath and flee today, you’d find yourself in the Deep Roads or the Blight-lands, given time. You’d seek them out… or they would seek you out. ©

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anyway i know i’m still Not Here but i was reading abt c18 feminist works earlier and it just made me think abt how dissatisfied faith is with her life and nobody is even going to be, like, publicly saying everything she is feeling for decades yet and sometimes she thinks about her lot in life and she wants to scream bc things may be pretty good in her immediate bubble but she goes out into the world at large and it is stifling and suffocating and there is only so much she can do and so far she can go and so much of herself that she can be and i’m sure sometimes she has just cried because she’s so frustrated thank you goodbye 

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haven’t been here in like a month but who is gonna square up and kiss faith 

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sorry for being slow and quiet here btw ! i’ve a bunch of coursework needs doing for uni so my brain is mostly fried and most of my focus is happening over on @oathbroken. there’s gonna be like a two-week window when i’m done with everything and before exams start up where i may perhaps Live but i’m gonna be pretty sporadic until the summer ! 

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timeacross‌ [ @fixedtyme​ ] / doctor.

@caomhnighean​

“ into science, huh? what’s the science like around this time? seventeen-hundreds…that’s stone-age-y, isn’t it? love stones. “ 

     ‘ You’re being condescending again, Doctor. ’ It is a light reminder. Faith almost smiles, after a moment. ‘ I canna say anything that’ll impress you, I’m afraid. ’ 

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ok i’m finally watchin 5.01 and they started saying nice things abt frank and i swear i heard faith shout “fuck offffffffffffff” all the way from the 20th c. 

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it’s called gay rights bc i’m gay and i’m always right

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I just worry there’ll come a time when you never turn up. That something will have happened to you and I’ll still be waiting, never knowing. (rdr)

     ‘ Oh, Mama… ’ Faith sighs, and she wishes, suddenly, that she had not come home. It is a brief and foolish thought, one that makes her feel so guilty for even having had the blasted thing, but… but she always feels guilty when she thinks of her family, of the Ridge, of that whole world she just left behind. She feels guilty for enjoying her life as much as she does, trials and all, and how far it takes her away from this place. It feels like a betrayal. Looking at her mother’s face, hearing her voice, it just… it feels like the worst betrayal. 

     For a time, words fail her. What is there to say? Faith may very well die out there somewhere and, though she’s sure some of Dutch’s boys might do their best to get word back to her family, most of them would not. There are no guarantees in this life. But there is so much out there that she just can’t imagine not being surrounded by it all anymore. 

     After a moment, Faith reaches to cover her mother’s hand with her own. Her smile is sad, and there is an apology there if she can stand to look for it beneath the rest. Beneath the but I can’t turn my back on it, beneath the I will still leave, beneath the I love you, but you are not my whole world anymore. 

     ‘ I’ll write. I always write. ’ But she won’t stay. She wonders, for a moment, when she began to see the Ridge like a cage. She loves her family, loves her mother, but she will not trap herself again. To a life spent wanting and never getting, spent watching everybody else be so happy while she is just so… 

     ‘ And… And I know that you don’t see me as much as you’d like… and that I left it a real long time this time, but… ’ She doesn’t want to say it. She doesn’t want to break her mother’s heart. I am so much happier out there — there is no other freedom such as this.

     ‘ Well, Mr. Dutch says we’re pushin’ west and — and, well, they still need me. But I always write, I do, and — and please don’t look so sad, Mama, I can’t take it. ’ But she still doesn’t cry as she once might’ve. 

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modern faith really taking a 4.5hr train up to scotland all the way from london just to see aoife and flora on the weekends, i ---