capnbenny

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Funky concept - your height reversed is how tall you’d be as a cryptid/fantasy creature   ✌️

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That was not how tonight was supposed to go. I no longer wish to be perceived, thanks. 

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my wife can stab me a little bit i dont care

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Why do I feel like Cora is going to wake me up early on my sleep in days while mom’s in Europe???

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she always got her collar on, she always fucking calling me. what she call me senpai for? don't call me that i'm not a weeb. she like the way i look at her, she like that i am hard to please. i cannot fuckin' help it bro, these cat girls always fall for me.

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i’m not sure what makes people feel older, the fact that i’ve been calling myself esports grandpa all day or the fact that my child broken blade was born in the year 2000. ive gotten equally horrified reactions to both.

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i know it’s not the best for me. match made in hell, she stuck a knife in me. 💌🗡

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Texas too cold for hockey????

Ironic

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i love all you little people living in my phone <3

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tag yourself (x)

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Preparing to absolutely woo @champagneprblxms tonight.

Happy Valentine’s to everyone else. Hopefully all the lonely hearts on the cruise are pairing off and being less lonely

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I’m truly wounded—

After that joke, I am no longer claiming him as my brother. 

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i woke up tired like 8 years ago and I haven't recovered since

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Well. That game was a rough one 🙃

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Okay. I won’t quit my day job to be a comedian. Message received