cappyqueen

[cappyqueen]

Your standards and boundaries should be non-negotiable.

[cappyqueen]

Accountability only works when both parties share the same values.

[cappyqueen]

Keep enforcing those boundaries you’ve set. Your future self with thank you.

[cappyqueen]

“Black women: The prototype. The trend. The Blueprint.” art by Faithe Bey

[cappyqueen]

Power to She

[cappyqueen]

Friendship Part 2- Your friend’s other friends

As social beings we tend to form alliances and friendships with multiple people. Most of the people we meet are usually friends of friends we already had. Now these types of relationships are very complex. I for one find them very tricky to manage.Tricky in terms of female friendships. I refer to female friendships; one because I am a female and two because I have experienced so many of these within my close friendship circles. 

Your friend’s other friends type of friendships starts of quite simply, you meet at your mutual friends birthday party/ a different event. You then bump into each other severally and are now acquainted. You start to see each other often and hang out then you become friends. Now for most people this is where everything goes left. You might find that you actually have more in common with your friend’s mutual friends than you do with the person who brought you together.

This now brings forth conflict as your friend feels betrayed and in most cases feels like the topic of discussion is them. Slowly you start to pull away from each other but you get closer to your new “friend”. In which case solidifies your friends suspicions. But this is not even the worse case scenario.

There’s another scenario, and this is the jealous friend. The one who doesn’t like the relationship between you and your so called best friend but she is still friends with your best friend. This is usually a long time friend that she has known for a while but doesn’t qualify to be a best friend as she is very seasonal and what she offers mostly is comfort when you and your best friend are not seeing eye to eye. Now to be quiet honest I don’t like these friends because they’re the type to hate you for no reason or start drama when you all meet.

Most of the time you don’t understand where the animosity is coming from but I will explain where it comes from. 9/10 times it’s because she has heard your so called best-friend vent about you and your “unfortunate bad behavior” and feels like you are not a good friend. So when she meets you for the first time she is not too friendly because all she’s been fed with is bad things about you. The other scenario is that she would like to be the friend you are to your mutual friend. Your friend has probably expressed how much she cares for you, she sees you taking pictures together, posting them all over social media and doesn’t feel like she gets the same treatment. 

Then the final one is the friend who inherits you as an enemy. Most friendships just end some with valid reasons, some misunderstandings and some just grow apart. Now some of these mutual friends as a sign of loyalty, tend to make you an enemy after your friendship is over. They might be seen hanging out all together to make you feel jealous. Drag you on social media, follow you just to keep tabs and compare how well you’re doing as compared to your ex-mutual friend. These are the worst types of people because they never have a valid reason but their “loyalty” makes them act like that. Mean girls mentality the only thing that holds their friendship bond is their mutual hate for you.

Whichever the case you are struggling to deal with at the moment is really nothing to give much energy to. You can not make people like you and it shouldn’t even be something you should be trying to do. Choose people who choose you and let go of people who do not. Sometimes how your friend’s friends treat you is a reflection of their inner struggles to be in control and puppet you. You have to find it in you to walk away and make meaningful connections. Who wants to be part of the mean girls club anyway? Go where you are wanted and stay where you are appreciated and loved.

[cappyqueen]

[cappyqueen]

Calm yourself 🍃

[cappyqueen]

Let’s talk about Friendships Part 1-Fall Outs

Over the past few years of my life I have met and experienced a number of people who have made a huge impact in my life. It has been a roller coaster for me as I have never struggled to make friends but keeping them has been the challenge. 

I have had two major falling outs and its not the typical “he said, she said” or we like the same guy type of scenario. My fall outs are a combination of harsh truths and a lot of misunderstandings. The “break-ups” are usually very random and before we can even get to the root of it everything seems to blow up. Intentions get all jumbled up, it becomes a war zone then boom we go our separate ways.

If I’m being honest for the most part I never really understand how something so minor turns into a whole scene but that’s just how energy works. When you choose to engage you become part of the exchange. If its negative energy given off and you choose to respond it all becomes a disaster. On the other hand if its positive energy then it just happens to be rainbows and sunshine in the end. 

So these 2 major fall outs are with 2 people I really care for and love. Clearly there’s something I didn’t learn from the previous one that the universe felt the need to bring it up in this second friendship. The initial one was bound to happen as I felt like everything in that moment just fit right in that box. I was harboring so much and I went in with some really bad energy. When it all played out I felt no emotions for the first couple of months but as time went by I got sad for a few weeks and then felt relief in the end.

I know you’re thinking “relieved that it was over” ? Yes I was relieved, for some reason I felt like a huge boulder had been lifted off my back. I was so used to her being around me and when she wasn’t there anymore I got to be honest with myself and found out that I never really knew myself. I ate at restaurants she liked which I hated, her other friends didn’t like me(we all know how this works, you tell people negative things about someone and when you finally meet them its just bad vibes) and finally I just realized I had an unhealthy attachment to her because I was not used to letting other people in and she was my only friend for years. Don’t get me wrong I cared for her but I’m pretty sure the version of me she knew was me trying to fit in her box which I did for a long time as expected from someone who had an identity crisis. From this I learnt how to be alone and that sometimes friendships can be a burden when boundaries are not set. We tried to work it out but I felt like I had outgrown her another harsh truth I had to accept and let her know.

Now fall out number 2 was more intense and more hurtful.  This came a few years later after I had rediscovered myself to the capacity that I was at. I remember I cried for two days and kept on replaying the mean things she said to me over and over again until I felt physically sick. Words mean a lot to me therefore this was painful to say the least. Honestly felt like a bad break up from your significant other. She embarrassed me and gas lit me throughout the whole argument. I remember she kept on shouting “You don’t know me” for the most part. I guess she was right because the way I was treated in that moment that was definitely not the person I thought I knew.

Anyway after I was done throwing my little pity party, I really dove into my emotions and thought about the whole situation and I realized that I was ok with being the villain in her story. I was so comfortable being the bad guy that to date I always respond to the “why don’t you and x hang out anymore” with “I prefer if you would stick to the story she told you or I don’t know, people just grow apart”. I of course apologized for making her feel the way she did because I make mistakes too, constantly. I do value peoples emotions and how I make people feel, matters to me.So long story short she never responded but I was fine with that because I just wanted her to understand that I did acknowledge her feelings and I take full accountability for my part in the whole ordeal.

Situation number 2 taught me some very valuable lessons in one of the most painful ways I have ever experienced. First and most important lesson, never try to justify your intentions. That’s not your job, the universe knows and that’s all that matters. It may hurt but you need to let it go. Second, when they’re so quick to disrespect you, that’s your cue to leave and never look back. An argument is just a cocktail of misunderstanding and disrespect. The disrespect is usually very unnecessary and usually the determining factor in whether the friendship can be resolved or not. The final lesson is that you have to be ok with being the villain in someone’s story. Take your “L”, learn from it and move on. Your tribe awaits you somewhere along your journey.  

Love,

Evolve

[cappyqueen]

BE YOU

Having yourself to blame for everything leads to destruction. If you did something wrong all you have to do is apologise sincerely,and move on. No one is perfect. Life sucks sometimes its all about being yourself and not being ashamed of making tiny mistakes. Don't be afraid of being you.