captain-ralonzo-blog

[captain-ralonzo-blog]

Making progress

I feel like ive been slowly making progress, ive kind of been here and there, balancing between a depressed mindset, and a happy mindset for almost the past 2 years. Though I've made a lot of progress in getting back the past few months near the second half of 2024, and barely I'm kind of back on my feet now. Though in that time I fear I've kind of struggled with friends and fam, so I'm hopping to be able to maintain, / repair those relationships, as I take a day and a step at a time. Things feel like there gonna be great, even if I fear things may go wrong all the time

[captain-ralonzo-blog]

Been a bit out of it, but may post here more

[captain-ralonzo-blog]

welp

lol

Silly personality quiz chain anyone?

Supaaanovaa

@that-one-dork @belovedrat @hailberryy @louwitheredaway @ratbagdoo @ghosty-reblogs-0w0 @c00kietin @skrapa-reblawgz @amat3ured1t0r aaand anyone else :3

[captain-ralonzo-blog]

I have lost my mind apparently...

[captain-ralonzo-blog]

a little venting tw:religious truama (sorry if this is a bit of a bummer post)

I think one of the bigest ways my religios truama has effected me is by making me think i need to do specific activities or being told what to do or feeling lost. One big thing was self expression, not feeling like i could express who i was but rather gods version of what i was.

With friends, feeling like i need to do specific things in order not to lose them. or feeling like im not doing enough, that one little slip up, or missing a message one day will lead to the end of the friendship.

In my religion i was afraid of losing my fam for having friends outside the religion, and i was afraid that armagedon would happen, that one day they would die and i wouldnt be able to see them anymore, and i eventualy decided that i would rather die with my friends rather than be in paradise with out them.

But even now a few years after leaving my religion, some days I think my friends hate me becuase I havent messaged them a lot on a day or a few days, and feeling the need to message at a specific time or feeling guilty. Though I know all of these are my own anxieties, and I know this strongly, but theres just one inch of anxiety thats like what if your right.

I have to tell this part of my brain, shut up its fine, and it really is fine. but im afraid it isnt. All these overthinking thoughts I know i must ignore, but sometimes it get really hard too

[captain-ralonzo-blog]

i don’t know why i only recently realized that most kids didn’t grow up with the anxiety of thinking that at some point in the near future they’d have to hide in their basement or attic because the government would hunt them down because their religion would be banned due to ‘gods plan’.

most kids didn’t have to feel guilt at wanting that day to never come even though god said it would happen because they were scared. most kids didn’t have to see real footage of peoples homes being invaded by police in countries were their religion was banned.

most kids never watched a dramatization imade by their religion where in the end police found the basement full of people were it was implied that you better be ready for that to happen to you because there’s a high chance it will.

most kids never watched a music video made by their religion where they were in an open field and police members rushed towards them guns drawn with the implied you better have the courage to be able to face that in the future because it very well could.

most kids don’t have this fear that runs so deep in me because their religion never did that. and hell, maybe it fucking did i don’t know anything about what other kids childhoods were like. but that was my childhood. this is my life.

having nightmares about my house being raided by police and being held at gunpoint.

being terrified of police men or swat members because my only exposure growing up was how in the future they’d hunt us down.

still wondering if i would be able to survive time in prison because growing up we were told we should be ready to serve if it means keeping our faith

this shouldn’t be my normal. but it is. and i fucking hate the watchtower for making it so.

fuck the governing body, fuck all those videos they made for their convention. fuck being raised a jehovah's witness. i fucking hate it

[captain-ralonzo-blog]

as someone with layers of religious trauma, i find easter so strange. strange, heavy, uneasy. for many people, it's a fun holiday full of searching for eggs & celebrating new life. while for us with our past tied to christianity (catholicism in my case), it might be filled with residues of intense guilt tripping and a drastic imagery of torture and death often presented in such a young age. please, be easy on yourself. yes, it was harsh. no, it's not our fault that book character had to die. it's not our fault & it never was

[captain-ralonzo-blog]

Fancy finger spell focus

So i had a Impulsive thought, what if in dnd, artifical finger nail spell focus. So how a person would craft this spell focus is similer to how someone makes the nails, but you use the spellfocus crystal, and add that into the nail creation. So now every time you cast a spell, youre new finger nails, may glow a color everytime you cast a spell, and since every nail has a cyrstal you can also choose what nail to use and glow.

For my character timere, they/maybe he) would have motions of his/their fingers and hands depending on the spell cast,

Example: He/they cast message, one nail glows green, he/they cast chill touch, 5 nails glow and he does an attack motion, and if he casts fear all nails glow as he slowly makes a bear claw like pose as the spell is cast to look intemedating

And then magic item wise you could also have spell imbuded finger nails that work like spell imbued tattoos

[captain-ralonzo-blog]

Hi, Im new to tumblr :D