caranox

[caranox]

"how can m/f ships be good-" first of all through the power of bisexuality anything is possible so write that down. second of all if we start othering ships based on gender and nothing else we're no better than the opposition. third of all you need to watch more addams family

[caranox]

obsessed with characters being saved against their will. being knocked unconscious and carried away from a danger they won't stop trying to fight. being shoved through a portal somewhere far away and safe right before it closes. trying to self-sacrifice only to have the exact person they're trying to save swap their places at the last second. getting the only cure to the disease or curse bc the person administering it loves them too much to give it to anyone else, including themselves. being thrown to safety right as they had accepted dying. someone else they thought had gotten to safety running back to drag them out of danger. it's so fucking tasty

[caranox]

hello fellow non-Black tumblr users. welcome to my saw trap. if you'd like to leave, please name one (1) Black woman author who is not Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, bell hooks, Octavia Butler, or N.K. Jemisin. bonus points if she's published a book in the last five years.

[caranox]

it's almost pride month again. what a great reminder for Please Be Normal about these people:

- aromantic people who aren't asexual.

- asexual people who aren't aromantic.

- cishet aromantic and cishet asexual people.

- aromantic men in general.

- intersex people who are trans.

- intersex people who are are cis.

- intersex people who are cistrans/tris and those who are neither.

- intersex people who are cishet.

- intersex people in general.

- nonbinary people who don't personally identify as transfem or transmasc.

- nonbinary people who don't want to be androgynous.

- cis people who use neopronouns and/or xenogenders while still feeling cis fits just fine.

- people who feel gender dysphoria or misgendered when referred to by they/them, especially after telling you not to use they/them.

PART TWO.

⚠️ Do not use they/them if talking about me to others in reblogs/comments. I have neopronouns in my pinned post ⚠️

[caranox]

I'm going to try to fully participate in pride book fair this year on bluesky, but I'll probably be queueing many of my posts to focus on revisions for FAMILIAR and writing more NOVA RICHE.

Last week was also... really rough. The week before that was my birthday, and I've disliked the event more and more as I've aged because it's like a countdown timer for me. Like there's not enough time to do everything I want to do and I'm stuck spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.

I guess I'm sort of in limbo for my third-of-life crisis in a way because I'm planning on finishing what I started in college: learning to fully read, write, and speak Japanese at a native or near native level (N1 or N2) by doing some Potentially Dumb™ money moves (in some people's opinions). I'm going to language school in Tokyo. I refuse to compromise again due to fear and family trying to keep my in this god forsaken country.

But enough about that. I need to talk about last week to sort out my thoughts, even if it's just for myself. I hadn't realized just how little was keeping me going until then.

tw/cw: suicide, (chronic) depression, anxiety, autism + rsd (rejection sensitive dysphoria) wombo combo, pcos + weight gain + health conditions

I guess the best place to start here is with the actual incident and then unravel my tangled thoughts because I don't know of any other semi-coherent way to start this.

Like a person who has finally gained some self-respect, I took the entire week of my birthday off, which, as per usual, somehow bleeds into Memorial Day (a US Holiday like Independence Day Lite™ to respect those who have served in the US military—one that's turned into an excuse to shoot off fireworks and has become a commercialized deal hellscape to sell things like mattresses).

I went back to work that tuesday, dreading the mess I might find in my email about one thing or another that'd ended up slipping under my radar before my manic escape.

But I found a different sort of email near the top of my inbox.

One with a subject line for a memorial service for a name I recognized as one of my agency's clients—a guy in his 50s or 60s that was in the process of transitioning departments within his company and I'd met with for a project I'd worked on and off with him for the past five or six years. A guy who was bubbly and boisterous and had the voice of someone meant for radio. Someone who was immensely enthusiastic about working on new things because he was a dreamer.

His name was strung together with a woman's—his wife, I assumed—and, along with that assumption, my mind went straight to the logical explanation: an accident. Probably a car accident. Something tragic and saddening because neither were that old, and I'd truly miss working with him. I do miss working with him.

That's, well... not what happened.

His wife had cancer—emphasis on had—and he couldn't live without her.

That honestly took me by surprise, despite my own struggle with chronic depression and constantly putting on a friendly facade online or coping with my dark, sarcastic, dry-ish humor in real life. To say I'd contemplated suicide at least once would be an unfortunate understatement.

After I'd learned the truth about this guy, who had adult children and a wealth of connections and friends—who had fooled me with his cheerful can-do attitude and personality, I had reality slam into me like a brick wall.

What the fuck was I doing with my life?

Was this it? Was this my fate? To trudge along at a job dishing out layoffs because I can't afford to quit and anyone that wants to interview me is either a company that scams others or touts "work-life balance" with a schedule that squeezes out 81 hours of work over two weeks instead of the standard 80?

My books only hit $100 in sales for a month this past April (2025)—the four of them breaking a record that's not much more than a drop in the bucket to allow me to cover costs to publish another. Probably another book that'll be scraped by AI and ignore my US copyright, so what's the point in paying $65-70 for it in the first place?

My side business dream, where I wanted to curate and then drum up enough business to design my own stationary, died earlier this year with the volatility of tariffs. My one hope of escaping corporate life died with it, so I'm just selling what I can to funnel that money into more books—I'm sure you're seeing the pattern here.

I've been holding out for my sister and her boyfriend, who is someone I believe matches her level of unhinged weirdo, to save as much as they can this year to find a place so I can sell my condo and maybe pull from my retirement as a last resort.

And I've been holding onto a dream to finally let myself stop compromising for everyone around me and return to Japan—for language school this time, with the plan to network and transition into a job there. (I've done my research. I know what I'm getting into, so I'm not here to argue this point.)

But even with all of these plans and thoughts in motion, I shut off. That night, I numbly put together graphics for a book event and stumbled on the rating numbers (stars and total) for the book I submitted for the event on Goodreads (likely due to giving away free books for newsletter subscriptions and sales without a reasonable foundation of support system reviews; mainly because I'm often passed over since I'm not chronically online and I'm mega weary of people's intentions on social media—plus I'm honestly not very social, in general).

I fucking spiraled.

Back in 2019, I'd finally committed to writing a damn book after a decade and a half of wild ideas I wanted to put to paper. Those books and the two I wrote after that haven't even brushed the numbers of my peers and it's been heartbreaking. I know my shit isn't for everyone. Its for those who hold my brand of weird close to their heart—those anime-inspired, JRPG-infused, sci-fi'd fantasies and fantasy'd sci-fis that don't quite fit in one section or another.

Do I believe that book is my weakest piece? Honestly, yeah. A bit. I've told myself that. I said that to someone when I found out it was scraped by AI.

I considered pulling it completely and scrapping the rest of the series. I contemplated vanishing from the internet as my author persona. I thought about the point of my life without writing, and I was suddenly in an endless, joyless void.

I would be simply existing. Working. Watching videos. Not having the energy to play games or take a walk to try to better my health. Stuck eating calorie-counting foods to try to shed PCOS and stress weight my body stubbornly holds onto and stresses me more because I worry about my health but nothing seems to fix it. (Also: don't talk to me about this. It's so much more complex than what I'm discussing here and I don't want to get into it.)

But, ultimately, for the first time in a while, I thought about ending it.

I didn't, obviously.

My sister came home from work and I trauma-dumped this tale on her in short form. Some of you might've seen me telling myself to get myself some grace and that three-star reviews are okay. I confessed this to my closest author buddy, who writes along the same lines I do for their works—one of the rare unicorns I've been lucky to write alongside or else I would've probably given up a year ago.

Things are bleak. The next installment in that series is bleak. But when I wrote the next chapter this past week, I remembered why I'd started writing the series in the first place: a challenge to myself and an exploration of my depression, anxiety, autism, limitations, and a bit of spite toward tradpub (specifically in spite of a single individual that has been suspected as an industry plant with books that make absolutely no sense and yet people read).

My writing, my books, my stupid little thoughts and characters that have held me together during adolescence and grew alongside me—that's what has kept my head above water.

"What about your family? Or your friends?"

My brain refuses to believe they'd be affected by my loss. It's hard to say that's a reason when I don't think it's true. I could blame it on the autism or something else, but I don't know why that is. They're not with me all the time. They have their own lives and experiences.

My stories are always with me, though. Stuck in my head on loop until I type THE END and lean back in my chair before pulling up another brainstorming document. It's a cycle that keeps me going.

If that fails, my brain tells me I've failed.

I've tied my worth to helping people, to making myself useful by filling in niches I wasn't meant to fill, to success in the form of money or gushing reviews—all the things that will eventually break me.

Even if it's just to publish another book to put on my own shelf, I've come this far that if I stop writing, I've given up on living. I don't care if it sounds dramatic.

I write to live. Not in the sense that the money will sustain me, but in the sense that if I stop, I'll lose a piece of myself I put on hold for everyone else.

I can't compromise anymore.

For me.

[caranox]

Happy birthday to the Harlow Mystery series! 🎉 🎂 🥳

To celebrate, the Harlow Mystery series' ebooks are 25% off for all of June! 📚

Read "Winner Takes All" (Book 1): https://books2read.com/u/4EL8ro Read "Engagement To Die For" (Book 2): https://books2read.com/u/38Wn7V Read "Bloody Fantasia" (Book 3): https://books2read.com/u/38veQa

I also have the books for sale on Itch.io, where I have where I have a discount sale bundle. This is great if you just want to buy all three books at once!

Itch.io bundle: https://itch.io/s/149182/harlow-mystery-book-birthday-sale-2025

Please note: The sale does not apply to Amazon, but it does apply to all other retailers!

Let readers looking for a new murder mystery know about the Harlow Mystery series and this sale! The sale ends on June 30th, 2025, so don't delay in grabbing these ebooks to add to your TBR list. Thanks for all your support, and happy reading!

[caranox]

"If you use em dash in your works, it makes them look AI generated. No real human uses em dash."

Imaging thinking actual human writers are Not Real because they use... professional writing in their works.

Imagine thinking millions of people who have been using em dash way before AI becomes a thing are all robots.

REBLOG IF YOU'RE A HUMAN AND YOU USE EM DASH

[caranox]

big fan of urban fantasy and similar genres because theres nothing funnier to me than a setting where youve got people fighting with enchanted blades and bows and hopping around doing magic tricks but you can also just hit a demon with your car if you feel like it

[caranox]

being a writer is feeling like a genius and a fraud at the same time

[caranox]

if you would be so kind as to reblog this if you feel insecure about your writing skills.

[caranox]

My CP just got through chapter 18 and I can safely say it's the most bonkers chapter of the entire book.

I don't even know how to describe it without spoilers, but I need you to trust me when I say it's pique comedy.

FAMILIAR Reading + Announcement Team 🎉

Want to help beta read? Nab an ARC? Or do you want to get an early look at the cover and share it around? Good news! Applications are open!

What's FAMILIAR About?

After years of helping his father fight the monsters that killed his mother, Jules is ready to step out of his role of being a glorified errand boy for his dad and his vampire-hunting crew.

But when the idea is quickly shot down for the second time, Jules lets one drink to blow off steam domino into accidentally becoming a vampire’s familiar overnight.

And the biggest problem is that he can’t remember what happened.

With tensions high after his father discovers the possibility of a vampire spy in their midst, Jules scrambles to keep his mark a secret and prove himself to the entire crew by hunting down his vampire, following every clue that feels familiar.

—

This is the first in a series of read-in-any-order mystery urban fantasy books, each featuring a different cast of characters but set in the same universe, called OCCULT MISADVENTURES.

[caranox]

how to outline a story:

write a bullet point list of everything that happens

realize it doesn’t make sense

cry

start writing anyway

[caranox]

[caranox]

me @ me: bro, numbers mean nothing when it comes to review. a 3 out of 5 is a "good" for most people.

i need to let myself be happy damnit

been working on a side project that i want to believe will help other lgbtq+ fiction authors be able to get their books out there, but i have this fear it's not worth continuing because i don't think i have enough of a foothold for it not to flop

just kinda looking at my books and seeing the same thing happen when i believe that maybe *this one* will be the one that puts my name out there and gets me on a good chunk of lists unprompted

(spoiler: it won't)

[caranox]

it may be time for another social media break

i'm disassociating really badly and going back to work today made me question my existence

like, if i didn't write, what would be the point?

been working on a side project that i want to believe will help other lgbtq+ fiction authors be able to get their books out there, but i have this fear it's not worth continuing because i don't think i have enough of a foothold for it not to flop

just kinda looking at my books and seeing the same thing happen when i believe that maybe *this one* will be the one that puts my name out there and gets me on a good chunk of lists unprompted

(spoiler: it won't)

[caranox]

hey, did you know that the world is a better place because of your creations and art and writing, no matter how niche or how many people see it

[caranox]

been working on a side project that i want to believe will help other lgbtq+ fiction authors be able to get their books out there, but i have this fear it's not worth continuing because i don't think i have enough of a foothold for it not to flop

just kinda looking at my books and seeing the same thing happen when i believe that maybe *this one* will be the one that puts my name out there and gets me on a good chunk of lists unprompted

(spoiler: it won't)