carbonshells

[carbonshells]

all that haunts me

there is a part of me that wrestles with the idea of sharing this. i’ve only explicitly done so a handful of times scarcely with those inside the Church. there is an unfortunate and anti-Gospel stigma in certain pockets of Christianity that holiness equates to feigning perfection, whitewashing our histories, and trivializing brokenness. but at the end of the day i have to come to terms with the fact that any fear i have in sharing this is actually rooted in self-seeking pride.

in 2 Corinthians 11:30 Paul makes this ego-crushing statement, “if i must boast, i will boast of the things that show my weakness.” who in their right mind would want to boast about the things which most embarrass them? but, i believe it's in these places where healing is found and, most importantly, God is glorified. Switchfoot writes in one of their songs "your wounds are where the light shines through.” guarding our weaknesses suppresses God’s glorification because it is ultimately through His wounds where the Light shines through. i pray that God would make me less and less self-preoccupied and more and more vulnerable for His name’s sake.

as a teenager in high school i was one of the most conceited people you could meet. i feigned humility but my humility was about as real as the las vegas eiffel tower. i thought i had the biggest head and biggest heart. so, when i first started seriously struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts i quickly had to come to grips with the reality: my mind and heart were sick. but far beyond that, they were utterly broken.

depression often gets portrayed as a cloud. there’s a certain thickness to depression and a constant haze of emotion that’s hard to escape. it’s thick as molasses and in the end, bitter as gall. but for those who have never struggled with depression there’s a temptation to think of it as a fluffy seasonal cloud. depression is not a bad day or even a bunch of bad days. depression is addicting, ominous, persistent, and demanding of the soul. and, there is no light breeze which will whisk it away. the only wind that can truly push it away is the breath of Grace Himself.

there’s a certain dependency between low-self esteem and pride. when we are confident in ourselves and in our abilities we are always forced to come to the overbearing truth that we are pinning our hopes on straw men. that’s why the remedy for low-self esteem cannot ever be self-love. how can loving what we know is empty and devoid of value (apart from God) ever create value? what reason would there be to treasure the meaningless? apart from God we are chemical machines. a complex collection of molecules. mere carbon shells. apart from God the collection of molecules we call ourselves is no more valuable than the collection of molecules that form the dust beneath us. we cannot assign ourselves value any more than a dollar bill can assign itself a value greater than the valueless ink and paper which constitute it. when speaking of humility CS Lewis wrote, “humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” similarly, the answer to our questions of self-esteem and value are not found in thinking or loving ourselves more but in thinking less of ourselves and loving God more. God is the only One who can give our lives meaning, purpose, and value. it’s only through God that we can recognize that in fact “these carbon shells, these fragile dusty frames house canvases of souls."

however, in the fog of depression these truths are absent and distant. i remember, day after day, hopping in the car on my way home from school and one of the first things to roll off my tongue was “i wish i had never been born.” i cannot imagine the weight those words bore on my parents who constantly suited up to fight the battles of my own head. there is one especially poignant and painful memory that stings when it comes to mind. i don’t quite recall what upset or angered me at the time but in a grandiose tantrum before my parents i stormed to the bathroom where i barricaded myself in. my parents followed behind me and tried to console me through the locked door. i stood motionless and quiet. locked inside myself. my parents kept calling out to me, trying to draw me out. this went on for several minutes with my parents getting more and more distraught from the silence. fearing my state of mind and what i might have done, they frantically unscrewed the handle off the door before rejoicing after discovering that i was unharmed.

my first instinct in recalling that story is to recoil in disgust. but, isn’t it ultimately a wonderful picture of grace? God unbolts and unshackles the doors of our depraved rebellion. God rejoices in our rescue (Matthew 18:13). yes our past/memories haunt us and leave stains but they sing the sweetness of our Savior’s grace. i’m around seven years removed from the thick of the depression and i never could have dreamed of the joy and fulfillment in my Savior’s arms. looking back i’m still mystified and in awe of how God patiently, calmly, and persistently freed me from every lock and buckle of my self-imposed straitjacket. i’m grateful for every song, every sermon, every book, every person, every painful, and every joyful experience which He used to woo me from darkness to light.

for anyone dealing with chains, our God came to free us from them. some chains burn like chaff and some melt like mountains but there is true freedom in Him (Psalm 97:5). darkness will never save. its false prophets have only artificial light to offer. its familiar friends have only fibs to whisper. satan whispers so many lies and half-truths in the midst of depression. i wish i had the time and ability to show how Jesus rebuts all of them but here’s one of the most dangerous ones: depression says it is better to die than to live. Jesus says it is better to die to self than to live for self (Luke 9:23-34). it is when we live for Jesus that we come alive and find a reason, purpose, meaning for our existence. To quote Jesus, “the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”