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[caretheburger]

Sometimes it’s hard to remember I’m far away and safe. Sometimes it feels like less than ten miles is way too close. Sometimes it feels like our paths could cross. Sometimes I wonder if you would recognize me happy. Sometimes I wonder if I would recognize you as a human. Sometimes I wonder if I really ever even met you. But then I hear a specific song and I realize I wouldn’t know the words of I didn’t meet you.

The thought of you always makes me want to throw up. You were such an ugly person full of so much hate and I can’t believe I thought I deserved that. I can’t believe I never left because of the terrible things you said about my family. I can’t believe I never left because of the terrible things you said about me. I can’t believe I never left because of the terrible things I said to you. I can’t believe I climbed out of a fucking window to leave you.

Sometimes I wish I could forgive you and feel warmth when I think of you.

But then I just feel cold, and hope you find peace (but also kind of rot in hell??)

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I weigh LESS THAN 150 and it makes me outrageously uncomfortable

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I can not explain the pit I feel in my belly since leaving my ex. Makes me want to throw up.

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I miss the guy into my bones.

It’s a cold and uncomfortable feeling. Lonely.

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Happy birthday.

Even if I can’t say it to you and I’m a day late

I couldn’t figure out how to say it.

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HELLO AND FUCK BEING SAD IM POSTING GOOD NEWS FOR MYSELF TO LOOK BACK AT

Dude. The first time I weighed myself since going back to the gym (around 2/17) I was 143. I’m 147 now, and I feel FUCKING FANTASTIC. I have no idea how much I’ve actually reconstructed my fat into muscle, which is really all I want to do, because I know I have a warped view of my body. And although it sucks, at least I know it so I refuse to let it control me and what I wear. Many times this comes out as me needing validation, but that’s okay too. I’m working on things and I’m happy and excited and proud.

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I’ve got a FUCKED UP relationship with my body. My dad thinks I’m still too skinny, I’m getting self conscious because I feel like I’m getting fat, and all I solidly know is I weigh in somewhere between what I was when I left the apartment and where I was when I started going over there.

Here’s why this is annoying and a big deal. So we used the tv for Netflix and had my laptop plugged into the TV for YouTube and whatnot. I usually woke up before ryan, and I had gone to the tv/laptop to start watching whatever and he had googled some Reddit porn girl and didn’t delete it. So when he got up I’m like “hey man, make sure you delete it because it makes me insecure” or whatever excuse I used but that’s what it was and he comments about how hot she is. So he, at some point later, is telling me basically how much hotter that girl and some others we knew were than I was and that’s petty much when I decided I was going to lose weight and get hot 🤷🏻‍♀️

So I started eating way less. I started walking. I made it a mission to lose weight. And the stress definitely helped it melt off.

And I was his most prized “work of art” because of how quickly “with his help” I was able to lose it.

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Instead of a memory, we’ll go this route for this post.

It’s really fucking difficult to allow the fact that I don’t REGRET meeting ryan or being with him or anything. That situation was a fucking hell hole and it damage me way beyond what I realize even now, but I believe that the situation and how I handled it says a lot about me and the way I love people. It’s not necessarily a good thing, I’m not saying that, but I made a decision to love someone and stand by them. Although I left, I don’t think there was any other choice, and I loved him to the best of my ability. I tried to stay calm and not lash out back at him. Most of that came from the idea that I believed (and somehow, in some twisted way still do) that those moments weren’t him. Like in the movie split when they talk about who is in “the chair.” My perspective was ryan is on the back burner. He always told me that the idea that alcohol is truth serum only works on “people like me” who aren’t alcoholics. “When someone drinks to the extent I do, it becomes something that allows us the capacity for evil.” (Meaning he (and other addicts) is a good guy and their addictions are what lets them do these terrible things) which I’m having a REALLY hard time sorting through, and the idea that I left him.

In reality, I still WANT that happy ending, although I know that can’t happen in this life. But who doesn’t go through that in a break up? The idea that you didn’t just leave the bad, you left the good.

And the potential.

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Hello there. There is a day I cannot stop thinking about. I don’t remember how the fight started but I remember thinking “Okay, just kill ‘em with kindness, right? Give him a hug, maybe then he’ll stop.” So I gave him a hug, and I remember the feeling of him hugging me, but whispering terrible things about God knows what. So I decided I was in control, because he isn’t expecting me to act while I’m hugging him. So I hopped up and wrapped my legs around him, made him lose his balance, but I broke his fall (intentionally, because even defending myself I’m nice🙃). So now he’s on top of me, which I did not take into consideration, and I have made a move that acts against him, making him more mad. So he propped himself up, holding my neck (at least at some points, but I’m pinned down nonetheless), and had his right hand wound back ready to punch me. I’m laying there begging him for my life, because the fucker has HUGE HANDS (my fingers ended at his second knuckle, and they’re strong). He’s looking down at me telling me he’s going to punch me in the face. “It’s going to hurt. This is hurting me as much as it hurts you, but you caused this. Look at this fist; it’s huge. When it hits your face, it’s probably going to kill you. I’m sorry. But this this is what you deserve.” It may not have been exactly that but something asking those lines. I ended up using my feet against his shoulders to push him off me. (He always told me “You’re a lot stronger than you look. I wouldn’t want to meet you in a dark alley. And you’re quick, which is just as important.”)

I’m assuming that’s what it was though; because I’m typed that without thinking about it, just letting my fingers write what happened as my brain tells with no filters.

But here’s the thing. People talk about the desire in peoples eyes when they fall in love. That sparkle. Twinkle. Nobody really talks about the twinkle when someone hates you so much they want you to die. It’s unsettling. It’s terrifying. It’s heartbreaking. It brings feelings of worthlessness. It brings hate. How can the person who claims to love me and protect me more than anyone else also be the only person (to my knowledge) who wants me dead?

Not just to go away.

Dead.

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The day he found out I had talked to people on tinder-sometime around Feb. 2020. I had taken my old phone from my moms house to sell (because we were broke and alcohol and cigarettes are expensive) at one of those ecoATMs at Kroger. Because I knew the machine would ask questions, I plugged it in to charge while I was at work so I could go thru it beforehand. He decided to go thru it. He read some messages (from 2016!), saw some dicks. Made some judgements. Then proceeded to batter my brain almost daily, punishing me, for the next two years. God hates me. I’m going to hell. He could never marry me. This was a joke. He was using me. How could he introduce this SLUT to his family. How could he show his face next to mine.

His sober face that is.

But my FAVORITE was when he’d say, “your parents must be so proud. If I were your dad I would put a fucking bullet through my brain!” But that isn’t the point of this. The point is the day he decided on what my past was.

He texted me at work. He told me reading those texts made him need to start drinking again (like he had stopped) and shower. He told me he called people, mostly his family and friends, and (this part is fun and KILLS ME because I still don’t know if it is true) he talked to a girl I knew (A) who is very close with another girl (B) I was once friends/worked with. He said A said “B told me not to get too close to her because she’s crazy. She has mental issues. B told me to watch out for her and stay away. I suggest you do the same.” He told me he told his family and they said “if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, ITS PROBABLY A FUCKING DUCK” (meaning of course he was right). He told me I needed to get out of his life. Then I came home. He screamed, I don’t remember what. Then he called his friend. The friend came over and I left to go get guidance from trusted adults whom I know care about me and love me.

Then I went home. He decided I didn’t deserve him and he should go out to the bars and get laid “because I’m hot and can get ANY girl I want”. He took my car downtown to the bars (with a suspended license🙃) I called trusted adult. Then he came home after about twenty minutes.

He told me I was the only girl he could think about. He didn’t want anyone else because I was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. He was sitting at the bar with a beer, but then he realized that he loves me, but how all I can think about is “how big the last guys dick was” and how I wasn’t worth his time. I tricked him.

Then he told me he actually came home because he took one drink of his beer, ran to the bathroom, and puked.

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My ex was so manipulative, and honestly, I hated my life. I love him, don’t get me wrong, but life was stressful and draining and I wanted to die. That’s much of why I’m doing this. The idea of being without him makes me want to kill mussels so that I can get another try to have a life with him. I don’t believe in reincarnation necessarily, but I’m just desperate to hold on to the idea that somewhere We could have a life together. I am doing incredible now. After smoking since May of 2016 (5 years, 7 months), I haven’t smoked in about 5 days. (Not a huge deal yet, but still). I passed all of my classes after finally REALLY wanting to be in school, despite how difficult everything was since he was still constantly trying to contact me. I stood up in front of my speech cops and declared I am depressed and confessed to having to climb out the window in order to leave and go back to my moms house.

These will often end abruptly, when I just get bored of typing or decide to stop being sad.

[caretheburger]

If you come across this page, I’m using it to help me come to terms with a relationship I recently ended. Feel free to take a look, but be prepared for something’s that could be super personal/difficult to read.