carionto

[carionto]

Ultimate preparation

There comes a time in every alien's life when a Human asks them this simple question:

"Wanna hang out over the weekend?"

This may seem like a casual, innocent, even good-willed inquiry, but do NOT be fooled. Your life is in danger now.

The safest thing to do is to politely decline using one of the numerous pre-designed excuses:

"I have errands to run."

"My olfactory sensor needs a manual checkup."

"The renovators are coming over then."

"I've contracted gout."

However, due to cultural differences, make sure to consult your local veterinarian for more relevant anecdotes to supplement your avoidance success rate.

For those that feel they have become friends with said Human and cannot reject their offer we strongly advise to read up on every nearby "amusement park" and "thrill ride" avenue and acquire the best safety equipment and life insurance policy.

Next, learn everything you can about the Human who asked you to "hang out." Decipher their mental maturity through everything they post on social media. Analyze any photos they share of times they describe as "fun" and isolate all potential hazards they interact with. Look up their medical history for blunt force traumas and accidents. Surveil their every move and discover how much of a threat they are to others and themselves on a daily basis. Make them fill out the psychological profile survey disguised as a quirky "Which Trek Wars character are you" in the Helpful Resources section.

"Hanging out" with a Human is certain to involve at least one of, typically several, if not all, of the following:

Imbibing toxic/poisonous substances (alcohol, drugs, chocolate)

Extreme physical activity (rock climbing, skiing, yoga)

Psychological stress (theme parks, horror movies, comedy game shows)

Emotional/intellectual damage (talking about their failed relationships, ranting about politics, explaining an OC)

Always ascertain exactly WHAT your Human intends to do during this "hanging out" session. If the answer is vague, and after taking into account everything above, use your best judgement to decide.

But remember - safety first. Not only is your life at risk, but so is the Human's. They can be incredibly empathetic, so if you choose to go along to avoid hurting their feelings, but get hurt yourself during the "hang out", this may result in great emotional harm done to the Human as well, and physical as well if they attempt to save you from the harm they inadvertently put you in.

Be smart, be prepared.

[carionto]

I refuse your reality and substitute my own

Terraforming!

One of the most complicated and delicate operations in the universe. To turn a planet into a habitable and even comfortable place for your species is an undertaking only few can afford, and even fewer still live to see come to fruition.

Ayolis Dresmon believed different.

He loves living on Earth, but knows there is no saving it. (context 1 2)

For the past few years he's been trawling through the Galactic Coalitions planetary archives, commissioning exploratory vessels, and preparing everything he would need to... make the right adjustments for when a suitable candidate appeared.

There were quite a few likeminded individuals alongside him, but the resources were split. Far too many other exciting and promising endeavors already underway, and the governing body was not swayed by the idea of Earth 2.0. But there were enough silent sympathizers to get Ayolis what he needed most - a planet cracker!

With such a powerful tool and some modifications and precise use, once he finds a planet that is just a few trillion tons smaller, he'll get to work:

adjust the composition to more closely resemble Earth (throw iron and water rocks at it)

adjust the clock (change its spin to be 24 hours exactly)

get the temperature just right (yank it into the optimal orbit)

give it a friend (steal a moon (maybe THE Moon?))

make it lovely (dump genetically engineered plants on it (and probably some special algae too if the ocean isn't blue))

Sure, the environmental apocalypse this is sure to cause may take a while to settle down, but with a big enough shielded dome, he WILL enjoy his retirement on an ocean-front property, no matter what!

[carionto]

Humans like being emotional

Alien: Human George, you are leaking from your oculars. If I recall, it is either an irritant in the air or a feeling of distress.

George: *sniff* What? Oh... yeah, I was just... reading a thing, the ending got to me more than I expected.

A: I see, so it was psychological damage.

G: *sobbing* YES! God, I just want to crawl into a corner... that last letter from her late love just hit me so hard. Brought together all those previous scenes I didn't think were that interesting at the time, but now that they'll never be able to spend time together like that again, it's just, just... I can't

A: The expression, you need a minute, applies here, yes?

G: *trying to collect himself* uh... yeah, I guess I do... um... uhh *looking for the approved contact words* can I. uh.. initiate platonic contact... for... the uhh, release of internal biochemicals that... relieve?... the distress...? *George hurt himself in his confusion*

A: Yes.

G: *glomps onto the alien* *cries a lot more*

*this goes on for a minute*

G: *unglomps himself* Thanks... I really needed that.

A: Your pheromone levels have lowered to closer to normal now.

G: Uh, sure.

A: While you were occupied, I looked into this and it seems this author has several additional books released.

G: REALLY!!!

A: Hmm... your excitement levels have gone up all of a sudden. Are you not going to avoid those works?

G: What? I'm gonna buy those books right now. Hadn't felt that sad in years, and I want more of that fluffy doomed romance. I'm not gonna read them right now, I think I need a dose of something dumb, maybe rage inducing while this story settles in my brain.

DAMN! Now that first scene with his parents makes so much more sense. God, I need to reread that bit! Knowing how it ends seriously changes everything now, fuuuuucckkk that's some good writing.

A: You... want to feel these heightened distress levels?

G: Of course. Life's too boring otherwise.

A: But you literally work defusing ancient battlefields.

G: Bah, that only tickles the survival and body horror parts, I need my gooey lovey dovey AND sad depression kicks too.

[carionto]

off-topic unrelated rant

this has nothing to do with anything i've written before, so feel free to ignore, i just don't use any social media, but every once in a blue moon i need to rant in a public space about something stupid and pointless but the thought lingers so I need to throw it out into words in the void that is the internet

The phrase "[gacha game character] come home!" is so fucking weird and possessive. Any of it's iterations and related proclamations too.

Like, I get being infatuated and obsessing over fictional characters, there's plenty of reasons that happens and generally we all have favorites etc, but what irks me is the implications of such word choice.

'They came home!" implies like this fictional entity belongs with you, and while on a purely innocent level there's nothing wrong with being happy that you got the character you like in your roster, I've seen the internet - YOU know how intense people can get and how blurred the line between fact and fiction is for some.

It's the same as how people have waifu's and husbando's and whatever other gendered or ungendered term may exist that I haven't yet stumbled across. It's just a new way of saying it, but somehow it just feels more wrong.

Like, presumably, these fictional characters have a life, a home, a family, etc within this fictional world they're from and that the player is interacting with through an avatar.

These characters through plot/story or whatever become acquainted with said avatar, who typically is their own person and not a direct player representative, and become friends and choose to join their team whenever they're called for.

They don't uproot their lives (usually) for the sake of the player avatar. And I'm talking about the more actual plot and game type of these gacha games, mainly stuff like Genshin Impact, not the dedicated waifu simulators, those are different things, I know from experience with both types.

To me, it's an unhealthy blurring of fiction into your factual life. Or more, cuz these are unfiltered words right now, I am not drafting and making this coherent later, I guess a sense of entitlement? Like those characters 'belong' with you.

I'm stuck on the specific word choice, because it does matter. Words have meaning and that meaning will influence how you think about stuff, even if initially it may have been used more in jest or as just a fun thing since that game does have an actual in-game house pocket world you can invite those characters into, but the way I know people within fandoms can get, I have no doubt some use that phrase or simply feel that way in a more direct personal way.

Maybe I'm fundamentally unable to understand because I've never been a fan of anything or anyone to a strong degree and it's totally harmless, but I can't convince myself to believe that fully either.

To put it simply, fandoms are weird, the things they say creep me out, I like the fanart side of them, but fuck they're too weird and fight about stupid things and get so obsessed with the game they chose to spend time and even money on to the point of being unable to see or acknowledge any flaws and look down on any other entries that are good but they can't accept that idea and it's just so idiotic and why I will never visit any fan sites or reddit or even the official sites for those games.

The only thing, aside from fanart aggregate places, I only care about what is in the actual game itself and nothing more, if I miss out on stuff then so be it - i'm a casual enjoyer

Like, just play your game, enjoy the good aspects of it and have fun, but don't ever forget it's just a game or any other piece of fiction. It's fine to be a fan, but at the end of the day, the book will be closed, the monitor will turn off, you'll need to go to the bathroom, and you will fall asleep

[carionto]

Human tolerance

The research vessel 'Humbly Mad At A Gas Car' was welcoming a new associate today. Arvandal hailed from a civilization that recently entered their intergalactic era, and as part of one of the initial treaties about working with and potentially joining the Galactic Coalition, they were sent for cultural and technological exchange.

After two weeks of remote acclimatization and communication adjustment within a separate section, as well as just getting to know everyone they'd be working with, if only through Fwoom calls for now, they were ready.

Well. They thought they were. Documents had explained that Humans could get rather... eccentric in a variety of ways, moreso than the majority of other species present in the Galaxy.

And both formal and casual conversations with the non-Human crew had given more concrete details about how touchy some of the Humans aboard like getting, how some others need to be always reminded about basic protocols, and how... smelly the Human area can get. And loud.

While Arvandal's centaur/mermaid-like(but not really, more like a... sorta dragon... baboon... kraken... jigglypuff?) species was surprisingly compatible with Human adjacent environments, the moment they got close to a Human and they spoke - Arvandal was struck with dizziness, their olfactory organ was overwhelmed, and they almost passed out.

A medical quickly appeared from a fake wall and attended them. Turns out Arvandal hadn't equipped their environmental hazard suppression micro-devices. Upon hearing this, one of the Humans couldn't help themselves and with a smirk let out a a single word:

"Pride."

A brief comment drowned out by the multitude of other words of worry and commands of action, but Arvandal remembered it well. They had never met before, maybe spoke only once during a call, but this Human had, somehow, struck the most important nerve.

Arvandal soon learned this Human was called Ophelia. They were intent to prove that it was not blind hubris, but a deliberately earned consequence. Pride is attained by overcoming all obstacles and difficulties, and one must first experience utter failure to know where the bottom lies and what to grab unto on their way up.

The math and science was on Arvandal's side - by all measures, they did not need any handicaps to interact with Humans, aside from the universal translator. Vocal cords were a total incompatibility. But the rest? On par for the most part, superior perception, inferior (for now) certain physical attributes, and mental faculties are always greatly varied by every individual, so an irrelevant metric, except for results.

So the work began. The Humbly was, on paper, focused on bio-electric-engineering, but that was a decade and five department heads ago, now, among every conceivable area of study, it even had a group allegedly working on trans-spatial digitized miniaturization. The 'scientists' working there called it a Gym and wore strange badges and called each other Trainers. Everyone silently agreed to leave them alone.

Except, Ophelia was one of them. So, on off-days, Arvandal became their newest member. At first it was... baffling to try and comprehend what they were even looking at. Strange, small creatures littered various pens and cages. Technological marvels being tortured and misshapen to fit inside a tiny spherical form. Advancements in cellular reconbobulation. Any of these would be hailed as scientific breakthroughs back on their homeworld. Here, for this Human and her colleagues, it was a means to a ridiculous end.

No matter, if this is the sort of caliber one of the Coalitions most renowned and talked about species is like, then Arvandal will simply catch up and surpass them. After all, while the Coalition is overall a cause for good, it has many flaws, and part of this exchange is to decide if it is worth joining them, or working to establish their own foothold in the Galaxy, and maybe beyond.

The effort was grueling however. At first, Arvandal was barely able to maintain consciousness whenever a new entity 'hatched' and the 'Trainers' shouted in glee. Why are they forcing everything to form within an egg is something Arvandal accepted as being beyond their comprehension. One of the few concessions they will allow.

However, over the coming months, they learned to find joy in how joyful Ophelia became with every new achievement. The pure bliss shown and prolonged song of joy when one of the eggs hatched a yellow rat is a memory Arvandal will not soon forget.

How fascinating it was. Here Arvandal was - one of the brightest minds on their planet, watching one of the most brilliant minds in the Galaxy getting on the floor and repeating a single word in many variations while hugging a literal lab rat. She could comprehend the Universe, change it to her will, and instead was here doing something essentially pointless.

And she was happy.

Happier than Arvandal could understand. But they knew she achieved something very few individuals ever can. Something that entire empires fundamentally never can.

She fulfilled a dream.

Later, near the end of the exchange period, Arvandal was packing up and going through The Humbly one last time. They observed the other researchers, no longer themselves bound to any project here, and looked at them closely. They were all pursuing a dream. Many failed, some gave up.

Mostly it was - they each have a dream, but have allowed the constraints of reality to keep it confined as a... framed picture in their minds, while practical results and real world goals drove them forward instead. It was clear to Arvandal that not everyone was happy, but most were content.

They hadn't noticed when it happened, but as they said goodbye, Arvandal was hugging their Human counterparts, completely undisturbed by neither their loud farewells or the countless odors their bodies exuded.

What even was Arvandal's original purpose here? They couldn't quite remember now. All the reports they wrote have all sorts of answers and results and proposals about this and that and so many things.

But...

Looking back at The Humbly as it grew into a mere dot in the distance, Arvandal thought one thing:

They want to go back to the family home and start working on that long forgotten dream of their youth.

[carionto]

Hey, can you help me get Frank Sinatra's DNA? -Why? Because I want to be Frank with you, Nancy. -I'm Hilda though... Not anymore! *slaps down court documents with forged signature* -*runs away*

[carionto]

Nothing personal, just don't have the, you know, energy or something

Alien Huk-Tal Nakhu is observing Human Terry on a daily basis. Not for any scientific or stalking reason, just curiosity after noticing Terry started to linger outside the interaction range of his typical work colleagues recently.

One day Huk-Tal was engaged in conversation with some of them, and asked if Terry is being anointed and pointed in his direction. Confused, one of them, a newer Human hire named Connor, gasped:

"No way! Haven't seen Terry since he gave me a tour of the place when I first arrived. Hey Terry! C'mon, get over here!"

Looking to the side and seemingly saying something, Terry gradually approached the group and engaged with the rest as normal, and they all also helped clear up the apparent mistranslation of social distancing in Huk-Tal's particular native dialect.

The next day, a rather timid Terry approached Huk-Tal in private:

"Hey, um, I know you mean well and were just concerned, but the thing is, uhh... how should I put it..."

Possibly grasping the intent, Huk-Tal offered a clarification:

"Are your actions of avoidance deliberate then?"

"No! Well, not in the sense of, uh, like... I don't dislike them or anything, it's just that Connor really likes to talk. Like, a lot."

Thinking back, Huk-Tal does seem to recall that Connor delivered about 47% of all words spoken in that casual group chat.

"But his words did not seem irrelevant or be artificially increased for word count alone."

"I know, but it's just, it's too much for me. I don't know, I have this social battery I guess. Like, I don't mind answering his questions and stuff, but I just don't want to deal with that every day."

Rather perplexed by such a concept, Huk-Tal, seeing Terry's clear anxiety and hesitation, decided to not press further currently:

"Alright, I may not fully understand the reasoning, which come to think of it is often the case for Human behavior, but that's beside the point - for your mental well-being, you wish to have limited and primary self-selected interactions, particularly with Connor."

"It sounds rather... unpleasant when you put it that way, but... yeah, I guess that's the long and short of it."

"Understood. I shall keep this conversation confidential. However, when you are willing, I'd like to hear more about this condition of yours."

"Hey, I'm not sick or anything, it's just how my brain works, always has."

"Apologies."

"It's fine, sorry I got angry. And yeah, sure, one day when I feel like it, I'll talk to you about it more."

[carionto]

Could we borrow... another moon, please?

Alien 1: What did you do this tim-

Alien 2: Wait, it's a trick! Humans don't ask for permission to take our moons anymore. What are you distracting us from this time?

Human 1: Darn, they're getting smarter. Activate Plan C!

Human 2: Hold up, are we skipping Plan B?

H1: No, Plan A was stealing moons outright, Plan B was distracting them while we replace their star with a binary system, Plan C is to throw the party of the century!

H2: Oh sweet, I love parties! There's gonna be gluten and vibes!

A1: Ohh, I like vibes

A2: Stay focused! What was that about a binary system? How crazy are you???

H1: Hey!

H2: To be fair, that is crazy. Why did we want to do that anyway?

H1: SCIENCE!

H2: ok

A1: I would still request the party to commence.

H2: Yeah, me too.

A2: I'm leaving this galaxy.

[carionto]

So, don't know where to go with this thought, but in a setting where Humans are Space Orcs / Deathworlders /etc, it is generally accepted that Humans are tough as hell and you shouldn't mess with them cuz you'll probably die if you do.

It's then that - defeating a Human, and even killing one in 'proper' combat (whatever that may be for each different alien / culture / other rule sets) is seen as a significant accomplishment, a feat of prowess and strength or cunning. In other words - gaining a reputation.

And reputation is influence, power, wealth even.

Therefore, it stands to reason that there would be those who specifically seek out to gain such benefits through provocative action. And if they're in some far flung area with little to no Human presence, who's gonna know if you embellish or outright lie about being 'able to kill' Humans.

The trouble is that Humans are space cockroaches - everywhere, and you don't even know it until it's too late.

Maybe you'll get lucky and it's merely a foolish tourist or researcher with the toughest record to their name that time they weren't chosen last for dodgeball in PE and you can turn those lies into reality.

But shady locales for alien 'tough guys' will eventually gain the attention of a proper hard as nails bastard, and then, well... will the alien's pride make them take up the Human's challenge and potentially die, or admit to the lies and risk everything but their life?

[carionto]

The terrifying sound of silence

"Where is the Human?"

A question that incites dread across the Galaxy. And no greater when the Human in question is an engineer.

For weeks after her arrival aboard the Coalition joint exploration vessel Ulmanar's Resilience, the Human Jenna had been pestering everyone about the technical specifications, tolerances, build schematics, design philosophy, power outputs, and countless other microscopic details.

At first everything seemed normal, Humans are known to be curios, especially the technically minded ones, and her job would entail managing parts of the vessel's systems, so everyone was as helpful as they could.

Then Jenna started tinkering.

'Optimizing' is how she described it.

Admittedly, most of her modifications resulted in marginal improvements to energy distribution and mechanical motion efficiency. Although the fact the power reactors started to make audible noise was... unusual, but the readings said everything was fine, and the fact a day passed without explosions put everyone at ease - this was partly why a Human engineer was brought along in the first place.

During a short stop at a supply station before our first descent onto an uncharted planet, Jenna was the first to rush off with several cargo drones in the direction of the shipyard district. She was the last to return mere minutes before the scheduled departure, all covered in dust and oil, and the drones straining under the weight of everything she had procured.

"Don't worry, it's gonna be awesome." she declared.

It had been a while since our training and none of us had encountered other Humans in the meantime, so all of us had forgotten to immediately be alarmed by those words and question everything she was doing.

The following weeks of transit to our destination were marked by a severe lack of Jenna interactions or even sightings. The shuttle bay was a mess of disassembled craft, loose parts flung about, and sparks and rattling noises coming from the bowels of whatever was going on.

Unbeknownst to us, for the idea itself was ludicrous, Jenna was only within the vessel half of the time during this period. The other half she was in her spacesuit tinkering with the exterior of the vessel. Laser cutters and cold welding, not to mention the vacuum of space, make for a very silent work environment.

Perhaps it was instinct for most of us to avoid the confusing actions of a predator species descendant, as once we arrived to the designated planet, we learned we only had two surface shuttles left. Out of sixteen.

"This baby can land now!" Jenna happily said.

Confused beyond measure, we asked: "What do you mean 'this baby?"

"The ship, you know, Ulmanar's Resilience. We can land the whole thing now instead of doing this boring shuttling down thing. Plus the terraforming bot wouldn't fit in a shuttle anyway."

"The what?" our confusion continued.

"Yeah, we're gonna terraform this planet, right? That's what I got from the briefing back before joining you guys." she explained with innocence in her eyes.

There must have been some miscommunication, but the work had been done, and as far as our own technicians (who were scolded harshly for not keeping track of such grand changes to the entire vessel) did confirm that, as far as their understanding of mechanics and physics went, Ulmanar's Resilience can now indeed endure descent and commence takeoff from up to a 6G world.

So I guess that's what we're doing now. Preliminary surveys from past unmanned missions had suggested this world was once in the past and potentially now habitable again, and we suppose the Humans had decided to just set that in motion before more detailed analysis had occurred.

"Oh yeah," Jenna interjected, "if it turns out this place is, like, super dangerous and a threat to the Galaxy if we accidentally wake something up, I modified one of the scanning dishes to be a deep drill laser. Two hours of firing it at the core of the planet and it'll go boom."

...

"The planet, not the laser dish. That will explode if left on for more than three hours."

...

[carionto]

Houston, we've had a problem...

This is an emergency broadcast from the bowels of the banned extranet.

I'm sorry to say that this may be my last transmission, for I have uncovered leaked documents that definitively prove the government is lying to you and everyone!

This will be shocking, but brace yourselves, the bombshell of the millennium is here:

Cthulu is real and is inside the Earth!

I didn't believe it either, but I have the documentation, it's right here, just look for yourself. I'll list them for you and you can find them, for now, until THEY take it down, on my site IntelligenceSquabble.com

Just look for the secret diary entry of a nefarious data analyst

And this damning transcript of our supposed "benevolent overlords"

It's all real, I tell you, all of it. I've been saying it for years, but nobody listened.

Well, now you have no choice.

Cthulu is coming for us all.

And that massive parade of 'fixing the Earth' with the moon?

Yeah, that's the mother of all cover ups. They're not trying to fix our broken planet.

They're trying to wake Cthulu up and turn it into their slave so then the elite cabal of these 'people' who we all know are just secret aliens, have been for thousands of years, can finally reveal their true forms as the masters of the Universe.

But we know their plan now. We know what they're doing. And we can stop it. Get all your war gear and survival supplies at IntelligenceSquabbleStore.com

Remember - resistance is the only true path of a truthseeker.

Your intelligence has been increased, now you know what to do. Spread the knowledge, make this fight not end with me.

I've given you all, my dear listeners, everything you need to keep fighting. I love you. Stay strong. Stay true. Stay intelligent!

[carionto]

The Continued Situations of Bames Jond, Human Activist

context for lack of a better word

SCENE - EXT - ROOF - NIGHT

BAMES JOND enters to contemplate previous scene of memory recollection regarding an emotionally dense conversation with FORMER EMPLOYEE that escalated to utilize sonic weaponry in close proximity (Hank the human intern: 'It's just shouting and arguing')

BAMES JOND approaches the railing that DOES NOT COMPLY with safety regulations (foreshadowing for future scene with the railing almost failing and letting a person almost fall). His face contorts into various unpleasant grimaces and muscular combinations to indicate he is UNHAPPY

Shot of local muscle car musical parade occurring at the street level to CONTRAST JAMES BOND's sadness

Close up shot of BAMES JOND's HAND going into his apron's pocket to retrieve DELIBERATELY OBSCURED ITEM FOR INTRIGUE

Multiple cuts of shots of BAMES JOND's individual facial features to signify importance of MYSTERY ITEM

SUDDENLY a shadow silhouette of UNKNOWN PERSON appears in the background of the last shot of BAMES JOND's chin

The DRAMATIC music goes SILENT, only the rhythm of the muscle car musical parade is heard in the background

Tracking shot of the shadow walking and LOUD boot stepping sounds with echo and reverb effects and slow motion added for DRAMATIC TENSION

UNKNOWN PERSON approaches BAMES JOND and extends their arm towards BAMES JOND with an item in it

BAMES JOND turns around, gripping the MYSTERY ITEM tightly, and stares at the UNKNOWN PERSON without saying anything because he is still SAD

UNKNOWN PERSON says: "Mr Jond, I presume?" they say in a neutral voice on the higher tonal and pitch range, indicating they are of the feminine variety

Rolling shot going from the shadow to reveal not boots but SNEAKER SHOES then green puffer pants then a yellow dress shirt, panning over a nametag on the left side of the chest that says CAROL and finally to reveal CAROL's face with triple glasses (Hank the human intern: 'what?' ; Klodri the alien director: 'You know, the glasses where there are several glasses you can pull up and down to change the zoom level and have different color lenses for analysis' ; Hank the human intern: 'uhh... sure, whatever, fine.')

BAMES JOND says carefully: "Yes, that is I. Who are you, Carol?" he says with a hint of smugness to indicate he noticed her nametag

CAROL responds chipperly: "Oh good, you dropped this at the entrance." and she approaches BAMES JOND to give him the item she was holding.

Shot of BAMES JOND surprised, he exclaims: "My ticket receipt! Now I can participate in the muscle car musical parade! Thank you very kindly!"

BAMES JOND opens his hand to reveal he was clenching his ticket to the muscle car musical parade but lacked the receipt of purchase which rules state one must have to participate legally

CAROL gives him the receipt and smiles, then watches as BAMES JOND HAPPILY walks at a rapid pace down to the parking lot where he enters his vehicle and starts honking the horn HAPPILY (Hank the human intern: 'wait, I thought he was sad for a different reason?' ; Klodri the alien director: 'yes, but he was also sad about this, the other sadness will be brought back later' ; Hank the human intern: 'umm, sure, okay, whatever')

[carionto]

Talking to a hivemind is weird

Human Jim: Hey Legion, have you seen Anna anywhere?

Legion: I am talking to her right now in Cafe 5. She is just telling me not to tell-

HJ: Legion? Tell who? What?

L: I apologize. She is not in Cafe 5. I do not know her.

HJ: Huh? But you just... Oh come one, I already said sorry about last week! Just tell her I'll leave the box in the lounge by the potted fern, okay?

L: Timothy is having a small breakdown in Office 53, no other Human is nearby, you are his friend, how do I comfort him?

HJ: Tim? Wait, slow down. Ugh... um, ask him to explain the lore of Battlestar Galactica, I think he kept talking about it after I I crashed after a bender a month ago.

L: Understood. Also, I now know, thanks to my review of security footage, it was you who misplaced my tablet.

HJ: I'm... sorry? They all have the same clearance in the office and I just-

L: Anna wants to see you. Now.

HJ: Oh, right. Cafe 5, right?

L: Timothy is indeed not shutting up. And yes.

HJ: Okay, thanks, and good luck, and sorry again.

...

Legion on the other end of the Galaxy: Actually, Dave, could you stop and listen to this feed instead, Timothy's version is much more thought out and in depth.

Dave: what

[carionto]

Humans laugh

But what is this thing they call humor?

Why do they find things to be funny?

It is a deeply personal matter as far as we can tell, for what one individual may smirk at, another may be horrified or disgusted by.

One time a fleet beacon malfunctioned and translated our fleet into a desynchronized orientation. Most of the human crew laughed, saying things like "You guys are from down under eh" and "Looks like our frigate is giving a sideways glance to that carrier".

However, a few of them became worried, dismissing the comments, and got to work figuring out why this error occured. "There was no damage, sure. This time. Had one of the other parameters been off, the cleanup crews would need weeks clearing out the debris a fleet of this size would leave."

Still, incidental occurences are one thing, but many Humans go out of their way to create this humor. Most often it is attempted through the spoken word, mainly between Humans though.

While universal translators are exceptionally adept at converting the most complex and culturally specific phrases and even verbal tone and inflections, "jokes" don't seem to function for most others.

The other less frequent method are these "practical jokes". Most result in confusion, some in irritation, and a rare few in hostility.

A Netrethian who does not see in the same spectrum will be befuddled when they accidentally knock over an invisible to them cup made of a very peculiar type of plastic and startled by the obstruction and noise.

But for an Oht'Heivol some of the components of a "mild" stink bomb would be akin to a war crime. The list of controlled items and substances Humans can bring to many places grows each day.

Relaxing and being entertained by soothing colors and rythms, or artificially stimulated is one thing, but laughter in and of itself appears to be an extreme rarity among the species of the cosmos.

What is that near universal Human physical reaction to these near infinitely variable mental catalysts?

One thing that does translate fairly well, however, is intent. Even if we cannot understand why a Human is laughing about something, we can tell if, as they put it, are laughing with us or at us.

[carionto]

Sudden impact

Sitting at their office desks, doing bureaucracy and papers, there was one particular item some of these workers had just below their desks.

Out of the corner of their ocular nostril, Frak'na-Tu spotted another Human looking around the corner at Tu's colleagues. Uncertain as to the specific meaning of the squinted eyes and crouched stance, Tu decided to not question it again. The panic caused by the 'tickling' incident had taught the non-Human employees to just leave them be.

That is, until Tu saw the sneaky Human pull out a large light blue cylindrical object from behind their back and slowly approach Human Allan, who was standing by the water cooler busily rewording a message to their one-sided love interest for the past twelve minutes.

Emily, as Tu finally noticed the name tag on the sneaky Human, was only a few feet away from Allan. Steadily, she pulled the cylinder in her hand behind her back in a striking position!

Tu began to panic - was this about to be a mad assault, or is there something about their relationship that is causing this form of revenge, or perhaps it's just another one of those 'normal' things that seem insane to aliens?

Before Tu could process every possibility, their co-worker Trevan had sprung from their chair, a similar red cylinder in hand, and already intercepted Emily's strike towards Allan!

Seconds later, nearly every Human in the office had pulled out these objects and engaged in horrifying combat with workers from Emily's department who had apparently been even sneakier than her, as a few jumped out from the opposite side of the cubicles.

The shouting, the stomping of feet, shuffling of office furniture - true carnage had descended upon the Logistical Management Appropriations Office. All non-Human were left stumped and stunned by this inexplicable outburst as the Humans had, in a somehow very organized way, chaotically moved to the far more open lounge space to 'duke it out'.

Strike after strike, as the shock subsided for most and the light bonking sounds from the suspiciously weak and somewhat theatrical movements, the Humans started to 'fall down' but not before saying things like "Avenge me, Michael! Duncan is a douche... bleh" and "Hey, HEY! Watch it! It's a fair strike, but c'mon, manners. Also, 'Oh no, I'm dead, woe is me.'"

After what felt like eternity, but in reality was perhaps seven-eight minutes, everyone but Allan was left standing, who was still holding his phone, one finger trembling over the send button. After a few more seconds, he swiped over and deleted the message, looked at the 'dead' bodies and picked up one of the cylinders.

Then he declared in a dramatic voice nobody in the office knew he could pull off: "Rise once more, my brothers and sisters. Rise! RISE AND BASK IN THE GLORY OF VALHALLA!!!"

As everyone started getting up and engaging in small talk as if nothing had happened, Tu and the rest of the non-Humans were left speechless by this... whatever it was. None of the Humans bothered explaining anything, but when asked simply said: "Julia from accounting accidentally ordered these things some weeks ago, and one stray thought led to another, today just felt like the right time to have some fun with the bonk sticks."

[carionto]

A distant call

The fire alight, cascading a rainbow of blinding light across the vast emptiness of space. A call for help from the depths of despair.

Eons pass and the dim flicker has yet to stumble upon a beholder.

Coursing through infinity, as stars die along its path, the cry becomes one with the background.

_______________________

Pondering his life away while collating the inexhaustible raw data from another satellite array, Julius scrolls through a feed of cute velociraptor-pythons coiling around a moose's antlers for a nap.

The company mandated AI assistant mumbles another string of astral body types and coordinates and whatnot, can't even turn the volume below 5. And the guitar solo was hitting the right spot just now!

"..s her.."

That's not the lyrics, Julius thought putting his phone down.

"Cortana, pause, go back, expand." The archaic software responded positively, then pulled up a dictionary, almost fully understanding his Neo-European accent.

" E x p a n d t h e l a s t d e c r y p t i o n , y o u s t u p i d b o t . "

The virtual assistant finally complied, adding a frowning emoji at the end.

Julius, quietly: "I don't need my hammer to have opinions, thank you very much, Mister Busk." *sigh...*

Pulling up the raw data on one side, Julius began to compare the messy input with what the algorithm had thrown out on the other. Nothing but residual cosmic radiation that you'd have to spend years analyzing to yield a fascinating tale of the history of the cosmos, so at least the bot is good for something.

Julius pauses, looks to the side, rubs his eyes in confusion, and checks again.

"Really? It can't be." But, sure enough, running it through again with adjusted parameters, it was. A message from near the beginning of the universe, unmistakably intelligent in origin, yet at the same time, utterly devoid of intelligence:

"Suck it Mandy, you said time travel was impossible. Well, Killroy is here at the dawn of time, you owe me a dinner date!"

[carionto]

Put a ring on it

Human Geoff: Hmm, we mined out that useless moon around Saturn, what should we do with it?

Alien Jeff: ? Just leave it there? I don't understand the question...

HG: No, but like, it's just a rock now, and I was thinking -

AJ: oh no

HG: Why don't we make Mars pretty?

AJ: ???

HG: It's mass is small enough now, one planet cracker can haul it from here to there, easy.

AJ: Dare I ask what you mean by 'pretty'?

HG: A ring! It's way more brittle now with all the holes we dug in, so even Mars's gravity well should break it apart and create a nice little ring.

AJ: foR thE lOVe of loGIc - wHy!?

HG: I just think it'd look neat...