carlenebandy

[carlenebandy]

nothing fancy

in my life, be lifted high

in our world, be lifted high

in our love, be lifted high

it's you we live for. you are our breath.

[carlenebandy]

here’s your bed, take a nap

a little something on this mindful heart:

i’ve always found (much too much) comfort and protection in sharing my life with others. i crave that external affirmation. i’ve actually gone so far as to feel that i can’t make a decision without someone’s input. people who i don’t even want to follow have helped create the trajectory i set my life upon, and it provides me due security. i want to know that i’m in the right (in their eyes). and it provides no stability in my own.

and worse yet, every time i share something on my heart, it’s coming from my own perspective wherein (surprise, surprise) i look like i’m in the right. an enneagram 3 trait, i’m told. 

but here’s the thing: now i can’t afford to change my mind. i can’t go back or switch things around without causing a stir. and regardless of the decision that’s right for me, people will have their opinions and feel like they should share them. i’ve let so many people have a platform of counsel in my life that there’s no wonder. but these are the deepest, most tender parts of my journey.

and i don’t want them to speak on it anymore.

i will have to make decisions that rock the boat of my spectators. 

and it’s the bed that i made.  

[carlenebandy]

ohhhh jesus, pave the way. 

awaken my heart again to your spirit. 

[carlenebandy]

a most sweet, most painful litany

learning to be humble, but so, so far from it. a dangerous game, praying for something you don’t even really want to begin with. but knowing that you need.

i’m learning to love someone else better than i love myself - or at least i’m learning that i’ve put myself first, over and over; and i want to change that.

to want to know and love, not just be known and loved

i think this might be my greatest struggle. in the innermost of my heart i can tell that this battle wages on. 

blame it on a personality type, zodiac sign, childhood wound - but i know it’s the flesh. it’s a personal desire for acknowledgement and affirmation. a way that i can be certain i’m noticed and loved. a stealthy cry for attention that not even the closest ones to me can tell. but i see it in everything i do. this lust to be seen.

and while it’s a beautiful gift to be fully known, my true heart, the heart of flesh He has give me, has a deeper desire

change me God. come in and change me

[carlenebandy]

& all i ever wanted was to be close to You

heavenly father,

all i ever needed was to be here in your love. you are beyond my wildest dreams, i know. i’ve seen you work, i’ve seen you act. i’ve watched as holy spirit has come before me and changed lives. i’ve gotten to participate in the magic you create. and for that i am so endlessly grateful. 

i do feel like there is more. and i do feel burnt out. sad and discouraged. knowing that there is more of you and feeling like it’s untouchable, just out of reach. watching from the sidelines as others get up and play the game - experience a goal for themselves. get the ball, land a breakaway, score. the look of victory on their face is enough for me to believe. and trust me i cheer with heart in this crowd. but i know that you created me to play, not just to watch. and not to be mistaken, i don’t want to pursue the gifts or understanding more than my own father. i only need to be here, with you. but i believe in a god who is strong enough to set me ablaze by a personal touch. he already has through showing me. but now it’s time to play.

[carlenebandy]

so. what if ‘if you think there’s more for you, there is’

is more for me than i ever thought it was? 

[carlenebandy]

what glitters IS gold

what if some things are meant to be taken at face value? what if you didn’t look too deep into everything? what if some things were just appreciated, period? loved as is. taken for what they are. 

let it be, let it happen. don’t brace yourself. live today, live tomorrow. you are held and loved and chosen. you are secure. you are enabled to love freely and courageously. love boldly. live with exclamation. car, you don’t need to see everything through a realistic lens. you don’t need to find the catch to everything that shines. some things can glitter, and they can be gold.

[carlenebandy]

to sit in the stillness of your reality. and to notice things outside of yourself.

it’s wild what you can accomplish when you don’t have an objective. 

you’re doing okay sis. you’re not crazy. and you know what you’re doing.

[carlenebandy]

‘both have their burdens’

ever feel like doing the ‘right thing’ is heavy?  it’s cause.. it is. 

the burden of saying no. of not getting to experience that which your flesh desires because you choose trust in a God who offers “a better way.” or even - just not that. choosing jesus means humbling yourself and relenting control: you are not your own master. a new way of thinking, really. antithetical to freedom as we know it. and this freedom can feel burdensome.

but there’s also the burden of saying yes. regret is a heavy load to bear.

when the burden feels extra heavy, remember he promises an easy yoke - so ask him for it.

[carlenebandy]

my god there are GOOD people. with beautiful hearts. absolutely breathtaking. who keep me fascinated and confused and interesting in this big vast universe i have to be part of. that i get to be part of. 

[carlenebandy]

gentle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AQ6VVFNjNQ&ab_channel=HillsongUNITED

my yoke is easy, my burden is light.

he is better than anything you could imagine. let him be your captain

[carlenebandy]

‘my, god bless you young girl’

to the man i saw get arrested outside of my coffee shop yesterday. your sweaty forehead, greasy hair tucked into your hat, calm composure: you’re used to the rcmp going through your pockets, your disposable mask cast aside; your chapstick rolling off the bench beside you after being taken from your pocket. used to the passerby’s staring and probably even the barista craning her neck and asking her customers if the police were taking you again. you know you’ll be brought to the station and then released in a couple hours. but you won’t be able to go anywhere cause you’re banned from every shop on this street.. besides the pottery one you’ve camped outside of 3 nights this week. this doesn’t work eh? it sucks. and that’s such a lowball acknowledgement. i’m sorry. 

you’re made for a neurodivergent world

He made one for you

and i can’t wait to explore it together 

heaven , come

[carlenebandy]

jesus, light of heaven + lover of the lost

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=youfz19ekI8

woah. i forget so quickly how deeply your heart burns for your people. i get confused and misconstrue my responsibility as proving to you that these people are GOOD people, just lost people. and to them that you are a GOOD god, just god misunderstood. i completely cut out the middle man, which in this case is the author, perfector, connector, lover of their soul. i give thirsty people a snack and talk about how good the water is if they would just try it; vs offering water in the first place. why do i do this??

jesus, light of heaven lover of the lost. perfect Love, you meet us where we are.

grace for me, grace for my friends, grace for your people and exponential + vast love the overcomes all the discrepancies, numerous as they are. thank you.

[carlenebandy]

give us this day, our daily bread

this line has frustrated me since i was old enough to recite it. why would jesus have this request - big, bold, and stand alone - at the beginning of his model prayer for all future believers to participate? he knew many of his followers would never worry about having their basic needs met. and yet others who would pray this line over and over with empty plates. i’ve never feared for my food security. so it’s made me feel guilty - pretentious - praying it, knowing fully it was already answered. i’ll pray to god, but my faith here is arbitrary because i know my fridge is full. 

this week, for the first time, i was able to more tangibly imagine a world without promise of my basic needs being met. where this impacted me, directly. it became personal.

and this week i got a line on why jesus chose to pray this way. so intentionally, jesus upped the anti - this is his model prayer. for all believers (no exceptions). his words very practically compel us to look outside our individual plate and pray concerning our collective one. together, with and for the whole body: a practice in empathy that sets the tone of the rest of the prayer (and that characterized his whole life). 

what if a global pandemic could be used as the biggest tool of empathy in our believers’ history? what if we flipped our response? what was supposed to be leverage for fear is now kingdom ammo? what if we received this with open hands and used it as fuel to foster connection with our brothers and sisters? to recognize that the oppression - hunger - injustice that our siblings face on the daily, has become our own? that we carry that burden together - that we pray just as urgently for their hunger as we do our own? after all, it’s our own body.

and that we would armor ourselves with hope and love and offered peace to a fearful world? because there is strength in numbers, multiplied tenfold by the intrinsic power of the gospel. 

kingdom come in this world, and in my life

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOkppJkTr4c 

[carlenebandy]

high//time

what i can’t comprehend is

that she’ll never know

how much i thought of her.

[carlenebandy]

nothin else

you can be 10 pounds skinnier

or a full point higher on your GPA

you can have all the friends

and have the coolest vibe, nicest hair.

if you work your hardest, you can have a very good standing for yourself. you can be sought after and make yourself look great. 

and it will feel good. but for how long, how far? and deep? 

yes these are things! yes you worked hard and you will reap those benefits! but what will actually fill you? 

i can promise you that nothing will, except for true life.

do you not wonder why there isn’t more? if the world was just meant to be me measuring myself on a continuum on all these different aspects of my desires, i don’t want it. it’s not worth it. i never win! it’s not enough for my mental health. it’s not good enough for the people around me. that life isn’t worth living and you really can’t convince me otherwise. 

but him. the one who makes things new; the one who is who he is; i don’t need to be enough. i don’t need to measure myself on this impossible scale, cause i’m not measured next to anyone else. it’s all him. he’s why i’m living, he’s the only thing i need to concern myself with. he’s full of mercy and grace. he likes to laugh and to be silly. he also cares for the one who falls through the cracks, and that person matters to him. 

that’s the life i wanna lead

[carlenebandy]

i like her.