carmenized-onions - Tumblr blog

[carmenized-onions]

Okay so I needed time to let my thots on the carmy pov percolate in my pea brain for a bit before I sent you my thots but FEAR NOT !! im here to send them to you (idk you may not care but I CARE)

N e way these r disorganized bc its been a bit since I read it BUT BUT BUT

Like okay Carmy is me I am Carmy but I am also Tony like I take care of everyone religiously so i feel her pain but I also think everyone hates me and just tolerates me being there and like the fill in line abt Carmy like, wondering if he was just a sub in Mikey absolutely SHATTERED ME like

Also I love the parallel bc like, idk if you did this consciously (im sure you did) but like from Carms al anon thing (one of them, i think from his lil monolog in s1) he said how he thought mikey was his best friend but it turned out he was everyone's best friend and hes realizing Tony isn't just his guy, she's everyone's person, ans like, that would GUT ME

Also also also

Like them sharing spoons is so cute

ALSO TONY REMEMBERING CARMY'S FAV FLAVOR BC MIKEY TOLD THEM THAT IS SOOOOOO

IM SICK IM SO SICK YOU MAKE ME SICK

Anyway as always i am obsessed w Chicago's Finest and with you 🫶🫵

I FEARED!!! I FEARED A LITTLE BIT!! But I'm so glad you're here now. I will literally always care to hear your thoughts.

And yes, yes yes yes. I think a golden not rule but like... Known adage with writers is that with every character you write, you put at least a part of yourself in. And like, listen. I'm the youngest of 3 pursuing a career in the arts that no one understands and I have a heavy inferiority complex.

I am. The bear. So when I write in Carmen's perspective, there's very much a lot of me in there. SO I TOTALLY GET IT. Tony's got the more nuturing side of being the one that takes care of people; Carmen's the aftermath of being the one that takes care of people. Two sides of the same fucked coin.

AND YEEAAHHHH BABY!!! It was like his whole little spiral with like, realizing that you were actually Michael's friend was very much also a part of that. Like, he had finally figured out the fact that Michael was everyone's guy-- And then you show up, and he figures out, oh-- you were Mikey's guy, like, he DID have a best friend, at it was fucking YOU.

And that's where the whole 'he'll never be as close as you two were' comes in, cause you're also everyone's guy, so that really only leaves, two people that are everyone's must also be each other's key guy. Ohhhhh I'm sick. I've made myself sick. I'm tortuous.

THE SORBET WAS VERY CUTE I was sitting staring at default italian ice flavours for a bit and going like,,, hmmmmmm ,,, which one feels right,,,,,, And I feel like black cherry fit best-- But also maybe that's because I fuck with cherry flavours.

ANYWAYS THANK YOU AND I ALSO DIDN'T NOTICE UNTIL RN IT'S KINDEST NOT FINEST!!!! IT'S SO EASY TO MIX UP I DON'T BLAME YOU!!! but whenever the mix up happens i do have to give a little punch buggy ACAB or it's bad luck.

[carmenized-onions]

Okay babe, I can't even explain what the fuck this story is doing to my brain ahhhh really omg I'm so glad tumblr put your work in front of my eyes! Like, I spent the whole day reading it, and now I can't wait to know wtf happens on -Friday-.

I just finished the Carmy's pov chapter and man... I cannot express how my heart was tight reading it... look at you, making me feel things ajhajajahajakka (i died at the thought of him wanting to give Tony everything)

Ps.: just so you know, English is NOT my first language, so yeah, your writing is helping me a whole fucking lot on the process of learning more and more of it!! It's like... You make it easy, like i could spend hours just reading forever (i just told you i did spent the whole day reading hahahah) Thank you so much 🥹❤️

Pss.: Its kinda hard for me to express myself over text in another language, so go easy on me if anything sounds a little off okay hahahaha

Ah!!! I'm also so glad it got in front of your eyes!! Thank you for giving me your time (AND WORDS!!), it's really a gift :')

IT'S SUCH A HEART TIGHTENING CHAPTER FR, It's all ike yeaahhhh I get why you'd feel like that Carmy but also she loveess youuuuuu.

I love the 'He'll give you anything' because it's so fucking quick, like they're just in a car, she's nervous but she's not having a full crisis and he's still already like, i will give everything to you literally right now, okay time to clock in for my shift <3

ALSO THAT'S CRAZY!! Not to be a nerd, but I fucking love like, the process of learning English-- It's my first language, but it's like, god what a stupid language but also what a cool language. I know it gets dunked on a lot for it's stupid rules (deserved) but like, I kinda love the semantics of it all.

I'm so glad it's digestible though!!! I imagine reading the dialogue with all the apostrophes when english isn't your first language either makes everything easier or everything so much harder. I'm happy to hear in this case for you it's the former hehehe

And you speak great!! or type great, rather, and it really means the world to me that you'd take the time and effort to write this out, so thank you babe!!!! ahh!!! I hope you continue to enjoy hehehehe <3

[carmenized-onions]

LISTEN THE FILL IN LINE - I COULDN’T EVEN TALK ABOUT THAT MF BC THAT WOULD JUST BREAK ME. that boy is SPECIAL and him being sure he’s un-special and a replacement makes me wanna 🤺🤺🤺🤺

so yeah just know that when you drop things like that i can’t even give them a reaction because my heart is just genuinly broken and idk how to deal with that let alone write something semi-coherent about it but TRUSTTTT it was felt

Honestly so real and so fair-- That makes much more sense than what I thought which was 'oh maybe it's one of those lines that just text wise is easy to gloss over' , but no, it was bolded and on it's own line-- It just is impossible to digest and unpack-- TRAACCCKSSS

And listen, with no intention of scaring u,,, if you that broke you into silence we're gonna be on fuckin MUTE for chapter 10 LMAO.

Anywaysssss

"Masterpiece" bro my heart is in your hands. PUT IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!! But yes, take a shot every time they share utensils I belieeeveee it's only twice but I could always be forgetting my own fucking chapters.

GOTTA TAKE THE CRUMBS WE GET MAN, GOTTTOOOOO

I do not think sommefuckingbitch will make it into the actual draft but we can dream. You have no idea how many darlings i've murdered (and neither do I, they're deleted from the doc and also my brain). Chippy x Richie collab sounds like they have a clothing line dropping and that thought does make me giggle. Truly though nothing is making me happier than fucking finally getting some dialogue with Tony and People Other Than Carmy--

I know it's a Carmy fic, listen, I fully know and hear and understand that, to have romance, we need some one on one time, i gettit, no one says i love you on a double date-- BUT FUCK COME ONNNNNNNNNNN I MISSED MY CREWWEWEWEWE

It's been good to have them back, and I hope when the next two chapters are finally posted, you will also think so. hehehe.

[carmenized-onions]

Okay first off LOVE whiny Carmen oh you don’t need to up and just being pouty he doesn’t have her attention.

but then Tony taking him to breakfast and the Italian ice im!!! Him getting a reminder that mikey did love him was proud of him and that he did in fact remember his fave flavour and thought of him whenever tony ordered one. AND THE TABLE CARVING STORY

The whole but he’s pouty about the hot plate sharing coz no he should be a little more special the confidence with which he wants that!!!! he really is falling freely

also the while I could make it better for food love love love

Before we chat, I have to note somewhere, because it made me laugh internally. The beat sheet for Friday-- Like, the rough outline, alone, is 3k. That's so. I'm so pleased, with my stupid self. I am excited and scared, for however long this is going to be. I don't think I've ever written a single chapter that was more than 8k. Who knows if this'll be the record breaker, we'll find out together.

ANYWAYS. :))) I love writing lil moments of Tony knowing Carmen through Mikey because it becomes like, an irrefutable acknowledgement that Carm's brother loved him enough to talk about him enough to the point where he was memorable-- And that's just rrrrrrrraaagghhghghgGGGHHHH it's fun, it's fun for me.

He was so troubled, this chapter, really went from being cute pouty to absolutely distressed and bothered over being irrelevant pouty-- Feel like pouty is too weak a word, by then.

Listen, I feel like I sound like I'm complaining, when I say this, but it's not that, it's more like me yelling at the audience behind me in the theatre when no one has a reaction to a thing I had a reaction to and I'm wondering if I'm a freak.

THE HE COULD DO IT SO MUCH BETTER? AND YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE SAYIN ANYTHING ABOUT IT???!?!?!?1 (I really appreciate it, I do, it makes me feel less freak like)

I do get though that that line came right before he derailed into a full mental spiral about Tony and Mikey, so like, I get it, but likeeeeeeeeeeeeee i'm just sayin

ANYWAYS AS ALWAYS THANK U FOR SHARING YOUR THOUGHTS I LOVE TO EAT THEM <3

[carmenized-onions]

Listen I’m literally opening tumblr everyday hoping u have updated. Your world building is fucking immaculate. One thing I can’t still figure is if Tony is actually her name or a nickname. 😘 love your writing

Thank you so much!!! I open Tumblr constantly to check on my inbox, it's an equivalent exchange, truly-- We're both obsessed. I twy my best with da world building hehehe

Also HA. I try to make it clear but yes, it's a nickname hah. There's a couple times where I write that they say your name or that your name's written on the table-- And that's kinda my way of skirting past Y/N, but in those moments, they are in fact, saying your real name-- Or carving it in booths, yknow.

I think Carmen and Syd are the only ones that have done so, so far. Everyone's kinda gotten a designated nickname, for you. There's really a big list-- Quite frankly, it's only going to get bigger, I came up with a new one this weekend i'm so sorry

But the list goes

Tony/Tommy/Terry/Fridge Guy

Chip/Chippy/Cap'n Chip

Jack, as in Jack of All Trades, IT'S ON DA BUSINESS CARD BABYY

Cara (Mia), isn't a nickname, it just means y'know darling or beloved but like , yknow, that's something

And it will only get longer, be excited for this <3

[carmenized-onions]

okay i’m usually not one to leave messages but i feel like im going INSANE– so please feel free to ignore this vomit of words but i need to talk my shit so i can have PEACE😭 YOU’RE SO TALENTED, ITS SICK🫵🏾okay but seriously, i haven’t felt so feral over someone’s writing in a longggg time so im feeling a lil crazyy

AGAIN PLEASE FEEL FREE TO IGNORE ME but that latest chapter with carmy’s pov had me rolling!! he’s so real, feelin all jealous of tony but also of mikey because ngl i would too! like whatdoyoumean im late to the party and everyone has already built in life long memories with this person??? BUT ALSO, im not special?? crazy. like the thought of realizing that your person might just be everyone’s person (does that even make sense idk)?? yeah i would feel sick and twisted too😀and and it makes me feel more insane when he had that subtle thought of being mikey’s fill in, LIKE??? plus tony’s mysterious ass past with rich and mike?? i’ll never be free omggg

i wish i could articulate my point better in way that makes sense but im running on 2 hours of sleep and goldfish so i’ll spare you the rest of my delirious spiel– GOOD NIGHTh🤙🏾

I need you to know so bad, I WOULD NEVER IGNORE THIS!!! This made me so happy to read last night, and as I read over it again, with shattered wrists from CPR/First Aid training, eating an overpriced pizza in my grandmother's bed, this is like, such a balm to the soul bb. Please please please continue to yap in my inbox, i cannot define to what end how happy it makes me (and frankly, not to guilt trip, but how sad it makes me when people like but don't say what they thought ;-; but i get it, i lurk too)

BUT ANYWAYS, TO THE MEAT OF YOUR WORDS

YES!!! I'm so happy to hear someone say they also vv much get Carmen's point of like fuck, i missed this. It's such a tough emotion because it feels like-- You shouldn't be allowed to feel that way? AND SAME WITH THE YOUR PERSON IS EVERYONE'S PERSON-- EXACTLYYYYYYY

It's like, I can't be mad that everyone else also knows how incredible my person is-- But like, they're my person-- What do you MEAN they were your person first??? I'm gonna EXPLODE!!! Sick and twisted, fr.

THE FILL IN !!!! THE FILL IN LINE!!!! WHY IS NO ONE YELLING MORE ABOUT THE FILL IN TBH I THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING TO GUT Y'ALL LIKE FUCKIN FILLET O FISH MF--

Ahem,

I mean, I agree, yes, quite.

Please please please, continue to send in thoughts!!! But also GET CONSISTENT SLEEP!!!! I'm not one to talk i really need to go to bed now i'm already looking at 6 hours square in the face but i didn't get to WRITE TODAY and i'm gonna be GRUMPY if it STAYS THAT WAY!!!

[carmenized-onions]

yooooo, the snippetttt, you've got richie so figured out! i'm rewatching the bear and that dialogue could be in the script and it would be so in character??? love myself a fic where i can imagine the characters talking 😭😭😭 like i read that snippet with his voice and all, even the gestures 😭😭😭

Thank you!!! I don't always feel 100% about Carmy tbh but Richie I know for a fact I have down. I know that man, deeply. Or at the very least, his speech patterns.

Mostly because he's just what I act like when I do a boston/chicago accent to make my friends laugh/my own dumb fuckin voical stim. But y'know, it's actually totally because i'm soooooo good at diallogggueeeeeeeeee

(i'm fine, i do fine)

BUT THANK YOU REALLY MEANS A LOT TO HEAR, I fuckin' love writing Richie dialogue because he has no filter so I can just say whatever I want <3

[carmenized-onions]

CHAPTER 8 WOOOOH

i ADORE that it’s his pov, let us into your mind pretty boy!! they’re so cute, he’s down bad and i’m obsessed

Adorable in the literal sense!!! = my heart beating faster in the literal sense

GRUMPY CARMY HE’S SO CUTE I CAN NOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH

he’s happy about her wearing his jacket :’)))))<3 like ofc he is but the fact that it’s written out clearly is just 💓💓💓

“God, you’re perfect”- i i i i i i i i i i i i *malfunctions*

Carmen likes that idea. Your man. - 🥹🥹🥹 THERE ARE MORE PEOPLE WHO LIKE THAT IDEA 😁💃

You didn’t make it. Therefore, it’s just fine. - BEIDKFKRIENEDODN???? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE THIS

Un-special. - NOOOO BABYBOY ILL CRY

You grin, he has no come back for this, you’re perfect - 💓💓💓

He wants to be your man. He wants to have been your man. If he had been, for the past three years, you would probably be talking about moving in together, by now. - i’m gonna sob now, probably for a good amount of time tbh

He misses the fact that you usually share utensils, since you’re always trying something. But he’ll survive. - THEY SHARE SIDNFIFNFIFKF COUPLE *WHO ARE NOT OFFICIALLY A COUPLE* GOALS

So good. You’re so good - ✨🦋✨🦋✨

Like Mikey did, though, not in the same way, obviously. - CACKLE. I CANT EVEN

Carmy does have to give you hints, but he prefers it that way, prefers to be needed by you for a change - 🥺🥺🥺 they’re so wholesome i<3

but maybe on the underside? Only you and him would know it's there. - PLS LET THAT HAPPEN BUT IT’S CARMY WHO DOES IT 🥺🙏🏼🫶🏼 am i being bold coming with requests/hopes? absolutely yes but also you kinda set this up so i’ll blame you actually~

Name it. Name anything. He’ll give you anything. -😭😭😭 HE IS PERFECT

the quick kiss before work - THESE TWO ARE MY FAVOURITES EVER

cara mia - 🥹🥹🥹 yeah that’s just yeah :’)))))))<3<3

Pretty boy OPEN UP!!!! It was very fun, writing his POV, and a fun challenge, to be like-- Well, okay, what would he think about this?

I FUCKIN LOVE thinking about words a little more intensely, like adorable, like, bro the etymology behind it is being worthy of divine worship-- It's so deep. It actually is that deep, if u think about it. No i'm not fucking delusional YOU SHUT UP!!!

Grump carm is fun, i was equally as grumpy to leave that scene, honestly, as a breakfast lover. I've curated the perfect breakfast for people when they sleep over. If that was ruined for me and also I woke up to a phone call, i'd have a straight up meltdown. But also he's just a clingy sonofabitch so wear his jacket and suddenly everything's right as rain.

So many down bad lines we can hardly summarize em all!!! But the your man spiel in particular holds a place in my heart and also breaks it. (Also his whole coffee thing. Mf is not over the one time Tony made coffee and a peach wine)

As does the everything about him feeling un-special. I only know of one D20 watcher in my following, but if they're reading this, I was vv much going for a Kingston Brown/Liz Herrera relationship. Hard to feel special, when you're dating a hero.

YKNOW WHATS FUNNY, NO ONE HAS EVER NOTED IT, BUT I HAVE ALWAYS WRITTEN THEM TRADING SPOONS/FORKS WHEN SHE TRIES SOMETHING, AND NO ONE HAS EVER NOTED IT UNTIL I MADE IT SO CLEAR HE DOES IT ON PURPOSE LMAOOOO

"Like Mikey did, though, not in the same way, obviously. - CACKLE. I CANT EVEN" listen, i didn't know how else to make it clear that he does not think tony is actually his brother and also simultaneously does NOTT feel a type of way about his brother. But like . Yknow. SAFETY IN A PERSON OR WHATEVER OKAY!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!! jkjkjk.

As for underneath the table request, i plead the fifth. I don't know what the fifth is. But as for Cara mia-- I doubt this mf will ever say it again, but he definitely felt like he was getting his heritage challenged in that diner and he had to claim it for himself before The Actual Tony could. He's gotta have SOMETHING original in this bitch.

Anyways, anyways, I wrote like 1200 words of beats for the chapter after the next chapter, so here's a poorly cropped snippet from that to avoid spoils, because idk, maybe you like rough rough drafts. It's really honestly just the place i write jokes that will not make it into the final to make me laugh.

sommefuckingbitch indeed

ALSO FUCKING POPPING YOUR OTHER ASK IN HERE SO I DON'T DEMOLISH PEOPLE'S HOME PAGE LMAO <3

YEAH!! yeah to all those things. But listen, if it wasn't in-between the lines clear enough, of course carmy is wondering about that first point, too, so it'll be made very clear what the FUCK happened dontchu worry your lil head. Your lil hair washed possibly moaning head.

[carmenized-onions]

DAMN IT WHY DOES EVERY ONE OF YOUR CHAPTERS LEAVE ME PANTING LIKE A DOG

How is it not Friday yet in their world?! I am dyinggggggg over here, the slow build is so delicious and I LOVE seeing the vulnerable inside of his head. The way you wrote the part about Tony making it safe for him to want things… god that’s just beautiful and it’s really TRUE, the way someone can make you feel safe like that.

Uh anyway I’m super normal about all of this. And I still have no decent guess except that on (their) Friday, it’s going to be revealed that they slept together and Carmy’s going to lose his mind. Thank you for this, I love this story and you are killing it!!!

Just gonna add all of Sir Chloe's I am the Dog to the series playlist one sec....

I REALLY DID SLOW THAT SHIT THE FU C K down. I'm very mean, for that. But I promise next chapter picks up the pace-- And in fact, just 4 u, I will give you a lil snippet of the next chapter, because it's fun to do that. BUT NOT UNTIL THE END!!!

And YEAHYEAHYEAH!! Perfect wording, the safety of a person. I'm also so normal about this. Now in other more mind boggling words--

WHO SLEPT TOGETHIHR???!?!?!

MIKEY AND TONY YOU MEAN???? OH MY GOD??!?!?!?!?! That would be fucking crazy. What a loop. I'm picturing the fantasy, the fantasy is certainly there. Gee whiz. Not at all a bad idea-- Or I guess, a super bad idea? Which makes it,, ,a great idea??? I've lost the plot.

Anyways, I'm fucking loving hearin' the different branches people went on, with this chapter so far, and i hope to hear more. Perhaps,,, if I receive more nice little theories and things in my inbox,,,, i will provide more snippets,,,,

The next chapter is finished, funny enough-- It's gonna need some edits, and I'm gonna need some breathing room, between chapters-- esp so I can work on Friday with less pressure, but it really fuckin' flowed like water. Which means, I've got plenty to share. Anyways, here's I think probably my favourite snippet from it, 4 u. Don't mind the red lines MICROSOFT WORD HATES CHICAGO!!!

i've had fun, writing mostly tony/carmy, but fuck did i miss all the other characters, thank god they're back. get this romance out of my mutual pining fic already, what the FUCK.

[carmenized-onions]

SO SO EXCITED FOR THIS PART

I'M FUCKIN DYIN' FOR YOU TO TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS I REALLY AM!!

i really do need to start doing a taglist don't i,,,, i'm just too needy for people to read and comment immediately,,,,,, i could die about it,,,,

next chapter, next chapter, tag list i'll do one, TWIST MY ARM WHY DON'T U

[carmenized-onions]

Carved In. | Secondary Invoice

logline; Carmen begins to realize, that before you were Tony to him, you were a lot of other things, to a lot of people.

[!!!] series history, this is the eighth; First, Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh

Spotify Playlist, if you like to listen while you read. I listen to it when I write :) Constantly gettin’ added to. Link was broken last week, spoofy fixed it, we ball.

portion; 4.6k

possible allergies; uhhhh, carmy pov this time, so a bit of a warped and screwed perception of self and the people around him, yknow. Some Italian shit is said, I do not fucking speak Italian, I cross-referenced to the best of my abilities if I fucked up, my BAD.

pairing; Carmen ‘Carmy’ Berzatto & Fem Reader

i really like this one, feel like i'm reentering the groove now. hopefully you do too, and if you do, you better pop an essay in my inbox mf

It has been three weeks since Carmen met you in a freezer.

Six days since you were at his apartment. Ish.

Roughly forty-three weeks since the worst day of his life. Doesn’t feel like it.

There are five days, until the third or fourth worst day of Carmen Anthony Berzatto’s life.

But today is Monday, and he doesn’t know what’s coming yet. Though, he feels it, in the air, like static thrumming before lightning inevitably strikes him. But he doesn’t know what it is, where it’s coming from, or how to stop it.

He doesn’t need to, right now, because he’s very comfortable with you in his arms. So why are you ruining it right now—

“I gotta take this, Carm—” He’s holding you down. “If it’s an emergency they’ll call back.” And will continue to do so.

“Baby, they’ve called like four times.”

“These aren’t your business hours.”

“Sweetheart, I don’t have business hours. That’s kind of my whole thing.” He knows that. He knows that better than anyone that you’re on call. But, on-call for him. Selfish, he knows. And also, not correct, you’re a business. He doesn’t super care, right now, though.

You manage to wiggle your arm just that extra inch to grab your ringing phone off the bedside table. He’s grumbling as you pick up the call, face in the crook of your neck.

“Chicago’s Kindest, fixers and co— How can I help ya?”

It’s nice, to see another new side of you, the business side, despite the fact that he didn’t really want to see it, right now. It’s so early. It’s six thirty, you’re supposed to be doing puzzles with him and then forcing him to go back to bed. This is wildly unfair. The man speaking to you with the thick and panicked Italian accent over the phone is doing this on purpose, to spite him specifically, Carmen knows this for a fact.

“Oh fuck, yeah that’s not good. You’re okay though, right? Like no one hurt?”

He hopes they’re okay. If only so it’s one less thing for you to take care of, for whoever this is. He wonders if this guy called saying his sister was giving birth, if you’d rush over, first thing. You probably would, you’re you. That’s what you do. He shouldn’t think like this, but for some reason, this phone call is making him feel wildly un-special.

“Mhm. Well, that’s good, at least.” You nod, a pensive look on your face. Carmen stares at you, not that far from your face, you break character to stick your tongue out at him. Adorable. In the literal sense. Nothing short of adored.

“Yeah, I can come take a look at it, I have a feeling what it might be. Not a hazard, don’t worry.” No… This is a nightmare, this is his personal hell… Tell your dad to come out of retirement this one time, please. Arthritis is probably fake anyways, his hands seize during prep all the time and it’s fine—

You hang up, putting your phone down somewhere on the pillow, it will inevitably get lost into the ether despite being right next to you. You look down to Carmen, who’s laying half on top of you. He is… Displeased, certainly. His hold does not ease up.

“Diner’s flat-top broke.”

“And?”

“They specialize in breakfast.”

“And?”

You laugh, throwing your head back. “You would be so mad if your fixer delayed your whole breakfast rush just so she could spend a few more moments with the hot guy in her bed.”

He’s honoured, that you’d be willing to give him the adjective hot. “I would be so mad if my fixer had a hot guy in her bed.”

This flusters you, immediately, so you just push his face away with the palm of your hand, forcing him away. He kisses the palm of your hand upon contact. Too sweet.

“Shut up, you’ll come with me, I’ll get you breakfast there.” This is more a punishment than the gift you think it is. If someone other than him needs to be the one to make you breakfast, then at least let it be one of his cooks doing so.

“Them and what stove?”

How many versions of your work uniform do you have? Navy cargo pants, again, and a navy sweater this time. Perfectly fitted, Chicago’s Kindest logo embroidered into the top left, bright white, nearly glittering. A large flannel tied around your waist with all the same patches from your jumpsuit on it. Also all the same oil stains, virtually. It was your dad’s version of the patch shtick, you explain. Most of your jackets seem to be from your dad. Plus Carmen’s. Of which you don over your sweater in the Chicago winter weather. He’s trying to not look as happy as he is about this.

According to the overview you gave him in the car, this is your second favourite place in the area. Second favourite diner, to The Beef. Now that it’s The Bear, this place might take first place in your list of favourite trashy food spots. La Mattina Dopo. The Morning After. Carm wants to make a joke about this, but debates whether or not that’d be creepy for so long that the moment passes.

Carmen’s shocked he hasn’t been here before, it’s extremely up his alley. Literally. It’s like, two blocks down his alley.

There’s a big light up sign for Italian ice, and a burly older Italian man, up front, waiting for you. Carmen stands behind you, holding your tools, because he refused to let you. He’s a gentleman, alright? His mom didn’t teach him much, but he got that part down pat.

This fellow restaurant owner practically shrieks in relief, upon just seeing you. Groaning, “Oh, grazie a Dio, cazzo...” It’s clear this isn’t your first job here. And now that Carm’s seen the logo of the diner, on their obnoxious neon sign, he can match it to one of the patches on your flannel.

The man’s hands dwarves your hand, when he shakes it, hugging your hand with both of his. He’s deeply thankful that you’re just here, before you’ve even fixed anything.

You were right, Carmen thinks, you always are, but you’re especially right right now. Getting fucked by broken equipment is a nightmare, getting fucked during a rush? And it’s fucking rush hour breakfast? Fuck breakfast.

Carm can imagine, and also see in real time, how much ease you bring to every space you ever enter, with your stupid little logo on your stupid twenty-million pairs of clothes with it. God, you’re perfect.

“Sit, sit, sit, sit!” You’re grabbing your bags from Carmen as soon as you step inside the greasy spoon. You trade your tools from his arms with his jacket from yours. Shooing him off as you rush to the back of house. “I’ll be so quick. You won’t even miss me.” Not possible.

Carmen picks the farthest back booth in the corner, by the window. These leather seats are the least worn in, the sun comes in but not so much that it’s blinding, it’s objectively the best booth. He fiddles with his fingers, tracing his own tattoos. The place is relatively empty, since they’ve got a sign on their window saying ‘Griddle’s Fucked, BRB’. Classy.

He watches you through the serving hatch, working in the back. Good grief, you are so pretty when you work. It’s disrespectful, he needs to see you as the working woman you are, but it’s kind of impossible. You make it impossible. The golden hour of sunrise is hitting you just right. God, why do you have to be here and not at home right now?

“Can I get you a cup, Jack?” Jack? You’re Tony. Well, not really. But you’re Tony. Who’s this guy think he is, calling you nicknames Carm’s never had the honour of hearing, that you’ve probably had years before knowing him?

God, Tony is a new name for you. That’s weird. That’s so weird. It's one of many.

“At least some ice, c’mon, it’s boilin’ here.” It’s true. Sweater was a bad call. But it’s so cute.

“Ah, I’m good f’now, but ‘tuh—” You nod to Carmen through the window, grinning when you catch him staring. He’s finally honoured rather than nervous about this. “—Can you get Boss a coffee? He takes it…” You lean through the hatch, calling to him. “Uh, Carmy, how do you take it? Black?”

He takes it how you make it, lavender and maple syrup. Black coffee, no milk, but foam on top. Dried lavender, lined down the middle of the foam as garnish. It’s the best coffee he’s ever had in his life. Better than any bodega he ever stopped at in New York, better than anything anyone handed off to him at the French Laundry, better than Luca. That’s how he takes it.

“Black, yeah.”

He can’t tell if he likes when you call him boss. He thinks he does. That might be problematic. He's too distracted by the thought to notice you flinching when you realize where he's sitting.

You nod, smiling big, then turn back to the owner. What’s this guy’s name, even? “Black, for ‘em. Big fuckin’ thing of black cherry for him too, we’ll split it.”

How’d you know he likes black cherry? Lucky guess? Is it just your favourite, coincidentally? Probably.

The man claps your back, “Anythin’ for you, cara.” He calls out your order— Or is it Carmen’s order? —To a nearby bus boy.

If this man wasn’t old enough to be your father, and is clearly just acting like a father figure, Carmen would probably maybe a little a lot be freaking out. But you’re fine, so he’s fine. You duck down where Carmen can’t see you, presumably to the ‘Fucked Griddle’.

“So, what I was thinking it might be is—” Carmen has to strain his ears to hear you from this distance as you stop projecting your voice for him, but he manages just fine. “So— Basically, the fire wasn’t the problem, it was the sprinklers. They flooded the inside wiring here, which, they’re insulated so that’s fine but—”

Is this what he sounds like when he explains a dish to you? The mechanics of things was never really his forte. If it works, it works, and you make something with it. And hey, even if he was stuck, he has you to know for him, now. You know the wiring, the plumbing, the everything. Carmen has no fucking idea what you’re talking about, but he likes that you’re talking.

“Yeah, so see here?” And you’re willing to teach? Aye, Marone... “That’s what’s fucked, your thermocouple. It’s like, essentially a temp sensor. Makes sure shit’s cold when it needs to be cold and hot when it needs to be hot. If it’s broken, whole thing won’t turn on.”

“And is broken?” Says the man squatting down next to you. Carmen can’t see you nodding, rubbing your hand over your face, tiredly. “It’s broken.”

“You fix?”

“I would. Or I will, but—” You stand up, ah, like the sun, you have once more risen for Carmen to see through the hatch. “It’s like, the one fuckin’ part I don’t keep stocked up on. I’ll have to call in an order, I know a guy, I uh…” You kiss your teeth. “I can probably get this done by like, Wednesday, at earliest?”

The man next to you groans painfully, Carmen can feel it, in his bones. Flat top broken for two fucking days? And it was because of a fire? Or no— Not a fire— The fucking sprinklers? He’s getting punished for safety? Surely there is no Just God. But the man nor Carmen can be mad, looking at your guilt-ridden face. Most repairmen would be lying through their teeth, right now, but both men can tell, this really is the one part you don’t keep stock of, and you really do have connections— You’ve got your phone out, and you’re texting a million different people asking for help. They’re all just not nearly as giving as you are. It is impossible to be mad at someone trying to help this hard.

The bus boy finally comes up to Carmen’s booth, “Black coffee and black cherry for the man.” The way he says the man, is like, the verbal form of wiggling eyebrows. Your man, is what he means by that. Carmen likes that idea. Your man. The one you brought to tag along with you on a job. He’s your man, to these people, at least.

“Thanks.” He nods, the bus boy smiles and walks off. The black cherry Italian ice is big, as you requested. Definitely dished out in a bowl meant for a two-person sundae, two spoons already in it, for his convenience. He doesn’t dare touch it without you. He takes a sip of his coffee.

It’s fine. It’s just fine. Well, maybe it’s great. It could quite frankly be the best cup of joe in the entirety of Chicago and Carmen wouldn’t give a fuck. You didn’t make it. Therefore, it’s just fine. He’d take your hot chocolate with the shitty pre-packaged mix over the best cup of coffee, any day.

More notably, to Carm, is when he puts the cup back down on the saucer, he notices it for the first time. Your name. Shoddily carved into the table. He seems to have inadvertently stumbled upon a relic of you. Was your name carved in at The Beef’s old tables? Has he gotten rid of you, before, without realizing?

You rush back to Carmen, after sorting some things out with the Head. You speak hastily as you speed towards him, tucking your phone in your pocket. “I’m gonna be right back, doll, I just gotta give ‘em my hot plate, thank God I was lazy and left it in my trunk all week.”

Getting called doll is a decent salve to the fact that—“Oh, you just give that out to everyone?” He’s joking, but he’s not. Un-special.

It’s selfish, but he wishes that extra 10% you give out unabashedly was reserved for him. You roll your eyes, messing with his hair, and give him a kiss on the top of his head. This is an acceptable answer, but once again, you go above and beyond.

“They need something to tithe them over ‘til one of their line cooks gets back with a rented out flat-top. And I said I’d get you fuckin’ breakfast, didn’t I? They need to cook it somehow.” You grin, he has no come back for this, you’re perfect. “They make good fuckin’ smash burgers, here. With the perfect over medium egg. You’re gonna love it.”

“…M'sure I will.” He’d do it better. He could do it so much better.

…

Why did every thought in his head just get so tantrically sexual, Jesus Christ. La Mattina Di, more like. Relax!

“This you?” Carmen coughs, quickly. He doesn’t need to have cover, you’re not a psychic— Probably— and yet he still feels flush about it. He points to your name, carved into the table. You blink, looking at it. You swallow and nod. He cannot tell which emotion comes first, joyful nostalgia or trepidation. But he knows they both come.

“My name,” You nod. “But not my handiwork… Mikey did it.” Oh.

“Oh.” He doesn’t know how to react, and to you, that comes off as just simply unreadable.

“Yeah,” You nod, smile returning, though it’s sheepish. Hesitant. You pat his shoulder, already half-stepping away from him. “It’s a funny story, I’ll tell you about it in a sec, just gonna get that hot plate, Bear.”

You walk off, quickly, heading out to your car parked on the side of the street. He could watch you through the window, instead, he opts to stare at the carving his brother did.

Forgive the man, he’s a bit dense when it comes to these things, or maybe he just has selective hearing— But. Whenever you had talked about Mikey, he took it in the way everyone talked about Mikey. Everyone was friends with Mikey. That’s just how he made people feel. Everyone loved him, he made any person in the room feel like the light of his fucking life; it’s a talent you have in common, with the dead man.

So, it really hadn’t occurred to him, until this very moment, staring at the shaky lettering, that not only was Michael Berzatto your best friend, you were his, too. He let you in. Mikey’s name isn’t carved in here, he didn’t do a fuckin’ ‘Besties’ or both your names in a heart— And for some reason, that makes this feel worse. Mikey didn’t do this as a show of affection or to make you feel like the center of his universe, he carved your name in this table because he wanted to. And that is more tender than any fucking ‘BFF’ tag could be. For his brother, at least.

Carmen can’t tell who he’s jealous of, right now. It’s definitely both, but he’s not sure which one is the more predominant. On one hand, he didn’t get to be friends with his brother the way you did, apparently. You got to know a side of his brother that he simply will never get to know, at least not first hand. And that’s fucking gutting. But it’s also in no way your fault.

On the other hand, Mikey got to know you. Got to watch you quit being a paramedic, maybe console you about it, even. Got to drink your cups, before Carmen did— Hell, you probably tested recipes on him. Carmen knows their coffee machine is fucked, you absolutely had a shit ton of practice with it in order to make anything brilliant let alone edible.

Mikey got to have you, got to go to diners with you, carve names in booths with you, neg you for not smoking with him, probably give you his jacket on cold nights, come in for late night fixes— For years before Carmen got to even meet you. And you knew Mikey, when’d you say? Two? Three years ago? Give or take? After that Christmas, probably. After he went to New York. After he and Mikey just… Fully stopped talking. You said it yourself, you knew Mikey when he wasn’t letting people know him.

Carmen is so new to your life, but his life isn’t new to you at all. You’ve been in his universe, forever. You’ve been friends with Syd since you were kids, on the same block. You’ve been friends with The Beef before he was. You know Uncle Jimmy. Fuck, you were even friends with fucking Richie, during his worst era. And actually, matter of fact, who cares about Jack— What the fuck does Chippy mean?

The first time Carm heard it was while Sugar was in fucking labour, he didn’t have time to ask. Why’s Richie got a personalized nickname for you? Of all people? Why do these aspects make him feel nauseous? They shouldn’t. They really shouldn’t. It’s a blessing, it’s like, probably what it feels like for people with normal families, when your girlfriend gets along with your parents.

But it doesn’t feel good, right now. It feels hollow. Like he missed out, on getting to experience so much with you. With his brother. With The Beef. He should’ve been here. He wants the old nicknames, he wants the claimed booth, he wants the permanence. He wants to be your man. He wants to have been your man. If he had been, for the past three years, you would probably be talking about moving in together, by now.

Okay, now he needs to pivot back to carnal thoughts because this is so much crazier. Objectively, you would make a good roommate, though, and that should probably be said—

You’re back. You’ve handed off the dual burner to the kitchen, put your orders in, and you’re back, sliding into the booth with him. You’ve already grabbed your spoon from the bowl. 

“I ordered for you; that okay?” You ask before unceremoniously shoving the spoon full of black cherry Italian ice in your mouth. Carmen nods, picking up his own spoon. He misses the fact that you usually share utensils, since you’re always trying something. But he’ll survive.

“Black cherry’s my go-to.” He mumbles, sorbet in his mouth. When’s the last time he’s had a food he considers a favourite? It’s always new, not nostalgia.

“I know.”

“You know?” Carmen squints. Your nonchalant expression changes, realizing that he’s not in this memory.

“Ah. Mikey.” You lean back in your booth, realizing. You nod to the bowl. “Uh, black cherry is also my favourite. And uhm, he’d— I’d order it, and he’d go ‘Aye, that’s Carmy’s’,” You do your best impression, you and Carmen cannot help but chuckle. “And I’d go sure man, and he’d do that a solid— Every fucking time I ordered black cherry.”

You laugh, it’s practically an inside joke for you, only you, at this point. Carmen’s stuck wondering how many things you just inherently know about him. Is that why you’re so good with him? Or are you just like that? It’s probably both. It’s definitely both.

“So, just hard to forget, out of repetition at this point.”

But also, Mikey paid attention to that stuff? Retained it? Told people, about him? About his favourites?

Carmy smiles, “Y’know any other favourites, of mine?”

You think on it for a second, taking another spoonful of ice, eyes looking up to nowhere. “You’d never be so pretentious to ask someone their brand, but you smoke Red 100s.”

So good. You’re so good. “Yeah, yeah I do.”

You grin, overjoyed to be right, so good— You knock on the top of your head. “Like a steel trap, this memory.”

The silence collects between you two, comfortably. And then, Carmen taps his knuckles on your name on the table. You jump, not flinching, just remembering, ironic. “Oh! Right!”

You trace the letters with your free hand, eating sorbet with the other. “So, Mikey and I typically eat—Ate, here a lot, practically own this booth, and I’d made some joke about claiming it as ours, making like, a plaque to put above it. And he said we don’t need no fancy-shmancy plaque; we can just mark it.”

You grab one of the butter knives from the caddy on the table. “He picked up one of these, as a joke, initially, but then I said that there’s no way you can carve into wood with a fuckin’ butter knife— And this, of course, incensed him— Practically a double dog dare, to him.”

You’re good at daring people without daring people. Or at least, Berzatto men.

“And so, he was like, oh yeah? And proceeded to carve my name in—Painstakingly slowly, obviously, in—” You do air quotes, “‘My honour and shame’, for being so wrong.”

Carmen smiles, slightly, because that seems like probably the appropriate reaction to have. He takes a long time swallowing the black cherry ice, so he doesn’t have to speak. Is he bothered, by this story? He thinks he’s bothered, by this story. He’s jealous of both of you. He’s infinitely jealous of both of you, and insult to injury, you and Mikey are so… Similar.

Sugar said it best. The air. The temperature. You control it, you make it so easy for him to be bold, be wanting, and express that. Like Mikey did, though, not in the same way, obviously. Mikey did it through pissing him off. But— You both make it possible for him to feel like he’s above water.

The similarity between you—Carmen imagines in these few brief seconds before it’s his turn to talk again— must’ve brought you closer together. Closer than Carmen could be, to you, ever. He’s too sharp, jagged, compared to Mikey. He will never be able to fill the gap where his brother was.

Hold on.

Is he just filling a gap, for you?

It’s his turn to talk. “Fuckin’ sounds like ‘em. Didn’t do his own name, though?”

You shake your head, thank God, you didn’t see this play out on his face, “It was objectively hard to carve with a butter knife, he was determined to get me down and after that it really didn’t matter. We would’ve been there all fuckin’ day.”

The bus boy soon arrives with your orders. Smash burger with cheese and a fried egg for Carmy, B-E-C on sourdough for you— “Your usual, Jack.”

“What’s with Jack?” Carm asks, once the waiter walks off.

“Oh, it’s like, classic nickname for me— M’Dad calls me Jack, work calls me Jack, it’s cause of, uh, Jack of All Trades, master of none— All that. It’s corny, but it stuck.”

“But I like Tony,” You add, shrugging, “It’s a cute change.”

Carm nods to the owner in the back, that he still doesn’t know the name of. “What's boss' name, by the way?” You laugh suddenly, shaking your head.

“You're gonna laugh.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Know why?”

Carmen tilts his head, a genuine smile crawling up his face. You speak at once.

“His name’s Tony.” “His name’s Tony?”

You nod emphatically, giggling. God, you make things fun. You make 8 am breakfast fun. He could seriously make a better smash burger, though, you need to be taught better standards. You also need to be taught NYT Connections as you do it for the first time over breakfast together. You’re kind of getting better. Carmy does have to give you hints, but he prefers it that way, prefers to be needed by you for a change. The idea of being a seat warmer completely leaves his mind, for now.

The meal is comped, despite both of your reservations about it. You assure Tony that you’ll be back on Wednesday to fix his flat-top first thing that morning. Everyone knows you mean that.

Carmen could more than easily walk to The Bear, but you drive him so you can squeeze in that little extra time together before you’ve gotta do… Tasks or whatever it is you do. Very important things, he imagines. Please don’t have a shift at Eden’s tonight, he’ll explode.

When you park in the back, his head is between wanting to kiss you and wanting to leave as soon as possible in fear of saying the wrong thing or learning the wrong thing. You come to his rescue without realizing; you kiss his cheek.

“Have a good day at work, call me if you need anythin’, and if you don’t, still call me. Please.”

“You can come in, for a bit— f’you want.” Carve your name into your favourite booth, maybe. Well, you shouldn't, The Bear is supposed to be classy, but maybe on the underside? Only you and him would know it's there.

You turn from Carm to look at the back of The Bear. You seem… Uneasy? Trepidatious? You’re not scared, he doesn’t think, but he’s also never seen you scared, he thinks, so he’s not sure he’d know what that looks like.

“I’m uh, I’m okay, I got some stuff I need to get done but ‘tuh—” You thrum your fingers against the steering wheel, hesitating, biting your lip. Clearly there’s something you want, Carmy just has no earthly idea what it could be. Name it. Name anything. He’ll give you anything.

“Can you— Can you, uh— tell Richie I said hi?”

Richie? Fucking Richie? Not Syd? Fuck, he’d even take Tina, here. Richie? You want him to say hi for you to Richie?

“Yeah, yeah I can do that—Uhm—” Carmen puts his pointer finger over his mouth, he’ll let this go, for now, but there’s another sticking point that he can’t. He opens the door with one hand, but turns his body to face you. He points at you. “Can you uhm— Like, uh— Next time—”

No, it’s not on you actually, he decides. You look confused, when Carm waves it off, “Uh, Nevermind.”

“What’s up, Carm?” You're cute when you're worried.

“Nothin’, nothin’s up. I— Hm.”

He curls his hand in the air into a fist, he leans forward in his seat, and takes a soft hold of your chin, quick kiss before immediately rushing out of the car, words just as hurried. He does not want to give you a minute to question it.

“I’ll call you after work, cara mia.”

It's hard to imagine a Chicago accent saying Cara Mia but I did feel like it was appropriate to say so--

If it wasn't clear, because most things I say aren't, he didn't love another Italian Restaurant Owner calling you Cara. But also, it's not like he can tell you to tell people to stop saying Cara. That's weird. And also not on you. But he can claim it for himself.

Uhhhh anything of note to say on this one, hmm. OH RIGHT. Yeah that was fuckin' crazy with the whole Mikey spiral eh? It's fun writing Carm's perspective, because he's always just going insane. Me core.

Sewing the seeds of a terrible Friday hahahahahahhahahahahaha

And he finally questioned Chippy! Not out loud but at least internally-- And what's up with you feeling weird and wanting to say hi to Richie??? What are YOU up to??!?!?!?!

Breakfast was cute though. Always is. Is it too late to rename this series the breakfast club? I am joking. Please do not start calling this series the breakfast club.

Anyways, as always, please leave me a gigantic essay of thoughts somewhere I can read them and have a wondaful rest of ya day baby. Have no clue when the next chapter will come out your guess is as good as mine motherfucker.

[carmenized-onions]

OKAY SO SOME RESPONSES

1. It genuinly took me a few chapters to realize chip and mikey were platonic. Buuuut I do like them as both. Like Chip and Carm feels more pure (?) in a way when everything with Mikey was platonic (cause like Chip wasn’t romantic with his bro first) but i also love the idea of Chippy and mikey being cute and romantic - sue me. honestly maybe it’s both!! maybe they were really close friends who sometimes acted a bit closer than what someone who’s platonic would. maybe some light flirting and touches that lingered a bit too long. it’s anyone’s guess!!

2. bro wanting to ruin it on purpose before he can ruin it on accident is yeah…. i’ll lock myself in a room

3. oh yes it’s very clear chips ‘n’ dip only thinks they’re at fault with what happened to mikey. your writing conveys it perfectly i promise!!

4. BEAR IS A FUCKING POOKIE, HE IS MORE WHIPPED THAN THE CREAM ON THE HOT CHOCOLATES AND I ADORE IT

5. A FUCKING SNIPPET IM SO BLESSED. IM GONNA SOB OVER HIM WANTING THE COFFEE JUST HOW SHE MAKES IT (better than luca wow wow wow, biggest compliment me thinks) BUT ALSO INSTEAD OF VOICING IT HE JUST SAYS HE WANTS IT BLACK. PERFECTLY IN CHARACTER MWAH

6. ILL DEFINITELY STILL REREAD AND SEND MORE YAPS.

7. OH YEAH THE HAIRDRESSER THING IS ACCURATE. A BUDDY OF MINE USED TO WORK AS A HAIRDRESSER AND HE SAYS SOME PEOPLE FULLY INVOLUNTARILY MOAN WHEN THEIR HAIR GETS WASHED

8. CHIPPY BEING CLOSEST TO RICHIE AND TINA IS PERFECT AND ILL DEFINITELY HAVE TO REREAD THE CHAPTERS FOR SOME MARCHIPPY CRUMBS.

9. Yeah that thing about bisexual femmes,,, accurate

10. please as a fellow yapper i absolutely believe people can speak many sentences in one go, or monolouge. my biggest enemy when writing academic papers is trying to shorten my sentences cause when i write my first draft i fully truck what looks like three sentences into one oops

Beep bop boop beep I have a rule of clearing out my inbox before I post a new chapter so yee haw!!! After this chapter's dropping hehehehehe

We will get into it story wise, because I did definitely tow a line a little bit, but yes, I agree. I wouldn't say pure but more like-- As a sibling, if a girl that dated my brother then wanted to date me? Hey. No. Hey man? No thanks. Cooties.

IT'S VERY IN CHARACTER TO WANT AND NOT ASK LMAO, it's just so fussy to be granular. also I'M EXCITED FOR EVEN MORE YAPS

WE ALL KINDA WANNA MOAN WHEN SOMEONE WASHES OUR HAIR LETS ALL BE HONEST

Marchippy is so funny, they'll definitely have actual moments in the future, lmao.

And YES TO THE YAP!! Big fuckin fan of commas ova here. I just be sayin shit. Also a huge Dash person, yknow the -- i do all the time? I do them in essays too, i'm constantly interrupting myself, i'm CRAZY!!!

[carmenized-onions]

Connections

Puzzle #353

🟪🟪🟩🟦

🟦🟦🟦🟦

🟩🟩🟩🟩

🟪🟪🟪🟪

🟨🟨🟨🟨

Anyway um I read Chicago's Finest yesterday so the thoughts aren't fresh in my mind HOWEVER when i catch you i stg

I just know the angst is going to be angsting and like itll be necessary for character development and WHATEVER but ugh

Anyway i love carmy and tony i want to put them both in my pocket

I would do this with u but I'm several days late and honestly I SAID TONY HATES CONNECTIONS CAUSE I DO!!!!!!!! (It's fine, I play it usually, but not consistently enough to come on here)

ANYWAYS RICKY WHEN I CATCH YOU RICKY!!

I know, I know, it's gonna be so tough, to see them have a bad friday-- Well, it'll be hard for you guys. I'm really excited actually. This is truly the day I've been waiting for since I began. I love angst. I love fights, I love aggro writing, I love to write pain, it's literally so fun for me.

Sucks for you guys, though <3

I kid, I kid, but I'm sure you'll all also like it, and I mean, it'd be fuckin' boring if they just sailed through life just fine, wouldn't it?

Anyways I gotta get back to work because I am a member of society and I've been slacking for the past like half hour replying to comments but like maybe in 2 hours the new chapter will be up? Maybe? idk , i'll try <3

[carmenized-onions]

STOP NOOOOO I WAS GONNA READ IT WITH MY LUNCH AND TIU TOOO IT AWAY

WHY WOULD I LET YOU READ AN UNFINISHED DRAFT IT ENDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCENE!!!

I am back from work and truly still mortified <3

If any of you were actually able to read that chapter, and did, please tell me-- I need to know if i need to be embarrassed or not by you seeing my draft process

[carmenized-onions]

you fuckers that got in so fast there you got a PREVIEW GAAH

Stop omg I haven’t even processed the last part as you can tell by my ranty reblog but AND A NEW ONE

NO FUCK IT WENT PUBLIC I WAS ON THE BUS EDITING NOOO

[carmenized-onions]

Stop omg I haven’t even processed the last part as you can tell by my ranty reblog but AND A NEW ONE

NO FUCK IT WENT PUBLIC I WAS ON THE BUS EDITING NOOO

[carmenized-onions]

It’s not a limited feature for people you want to kiss. There’s Syd, Richie, …Mikey… - i might struggle with reading comprehension cause the amount of reads it took for me to understand that she in fact does NOT want to kiss all of them i- (wishful thinking who)

HE STOLE FLOWERS FOR HER 😭😭😭

he sidles up behind you and puts his head on your shoulder, hands hovering as if he’s going to hug your waist but simply cannot bring himself to. - I WILL EVAPORATE

he wanted the mug she made, yeah i might explode

“Think you’re gonna realize I’m not as good as you think I am.” - I’m actually crying

He kind of, tugs at you, pulling you closer to him - I’m not okay (i promise)

Carmen can see it, now. The way your jaw clenches, how you’re looking past him, not at him. The way you mirror how he imagines he looked in the walk-in, to you. He decides to take a page out of your book, and hugs you close. “Know so.” - The way he’s the one to take care of HER, yeah that is fully everything to me

“It’s both. It can be both.” - HGNNNNNN [screaming into a pillow]

You’re not ready to risk him no longer liking you. - 👀👀 my interest 📈📈

“But it’s nothing that would make me leave. Nothing that’s not worth it.” - I WANT NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS FOR THESE TWO (challenge level: impossible)

You’re not failing again - NOT HER BLAMING HERSELF FOR MICHAEL, I WILL RIOT AND PROTECT HER AT ALL COSTS🤺🤺

He replaces the Cubs jersey wearing bear in your arms, that night. He hopes he will forever, he's pretty sure he won't. - this simultaneously made my heart swell and break

Carmen never turns off his location, and he never will. - 💓💕💖✨

He takes advantage of the whipped cream on your nose and the severe lack of napkins in your bedroom when he can. - Nose kiss🥺🥹😭

the way this chapter was devastating but you still treated us with small soft moments (head on shoulder, nose kiss, cuddles in bed) was so powerful of you!! also yes as much as i wanted full on smooches you’re right it makes no sense, it was better this way (your talent!!)

I love getting the longest fuckin message in my inbox, nothing makes me happier, you must know this. Let's do list format so I don't fuckin' forget anythingTHREE MINUTES ON THE INBOX TIMER HEY ALSO IF YOU'RE GOOD I'LL PUT A SNIPPET OF THE WIP OF THE NEXT CHAPTER AT THE BOTTOM OKAY??? OKAY LETS FUCKING G O O

I so heavily debated a romantic relationship with Mikey bro, and honestly, as readers, if you'd like to look at Chip and Mikey that way, I wouldn't be able to fault you. They absolutely give that vibe. I also think if Tony was in the canon Bear universe, I do genuinely think she'd be the perfect match for Richie. That stupid fuck. Hated his ass until he got character growth'd into oblivion. And I would like to personally believe Syd and Tony did like, at least a smooch in highschool. To confirm or deny things, for themselves. Yknow. Classic teen girl stuff, right?

NO ONES FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THIS BRO!!! HE WAS HAVING A FULL BLOWN MELTDOWN AND S T I L L KEPT THE SANCTITY OF MIND ON HIS WALK TO STEAL HER FLOWERS, IN THE SAME WAY SHE STILL MADE THE EFFORT TO MAKE HIM HOT CHOCOLATE. I'M SO. SICK. I'M WRETCHING.

Bro fumbles before he can fumble fr. What can I say?

I debated the mug thing for a minute, I was like, he would want the handmade mug, no matter what, but would he have the courage to ask for something he wants? But I think asking her out (kind of) was such a huge step, that the mug was inevitable. He'd do it.

I fuckin LOVE making these two mirror each other so perfectly. There's fully bits of dialogue that I've recalled from the Bear and had Tony say. They just. They take care of each other so well because they both get it. And I love this moment especially because it's very explicitly Him learning from her on how to care. Like, that + the It can be both!! The shared burden!! Taking from learning from Tony and Syd!! I love to see this growth in him

And baby, that interest is gonna STAY piqued we're not at the crust of this CRUX YET!

I want the happiness for them too, I promise, but it's like that uhhh Episode of Bluey, where they fight and they're like awwee fighting can actually be good for growth..... But like, not an episode of Bluey vibe at all. To this one. LMAO

I WANT TO EMPHASIZE SO MUCH, AND MAYBE I SHOULD'VE DONE SO BEFORE-- TONY IS SO NOT AT FAULT, FOR ANY OF THAT-- IT'S TRULY JUST WRITING FROM HER PERSPECTIVE!! Both of them being self-loathing and deeply blaming themselves for things entirely out of their control-- Entirely just their characters and deluded self-perceptions. I'd never say those things about my dear babe tony.

I love lines like They hope this will last, they know it will not. They're so deeply deeply hurtful. I love them so much.

Location and nose kiss!! Gah!!! Bear's a cutie. He tries to not be but he's such a patootie. NOTHING makes the devastating moments more devastating like softness. Like, the couple laying in bed during the Titanic. Nothing could possibly be fuckin' sadder.

THANK YOU FOR THIS ESSAY I WENT WAY OVER MY TIME I GOTTA GO TAKE A SHOWER AND PASS OUT I'VE GOT A REAL FUCKED UP SCHEDULE WITH THE WHOLE NEW JOB COUCH HOPPING BUSINESS. ANYWAYS. A PROMMY IS A PROMMY HERE'S A FUCKIN SNIPPET FROM THE FIRST SECTION OF THE NEXT CHAP (Probably will be revised and edited later a little bit don't YELL AT ME LATER ABOUT THIS!!!)

I write these in word, if it's blurry that's not my FAULT!!!!!!! I AM SORRY THOUGH!!!! THANK YOU AGAIN!!! GOOD NIGHT FUCKERS!!! GO VOTE ON THE TONY/CHIP POLL A COUPLE ASKS DOWN I GENUINELY WANNA KNOW!!