carmo-lie - Tumblr blog

[carmo-lie]

Little update, ik noone's gonna see this but still fine.

D-2 prom.

It is my last year of school.. Bc of this fucking exam i promised myself that i won't enter this acc and not gonna think about my weigh anymore. (just before exam-)

Whatever i don't feel fine. I don't feel sick either. I am missing those days that i feel like 'i am getting better' while working out till the point my vision goes off.

For real, it has been 4 years and finally I could eat things I want..

Idk, last time I went to hospital I had to check my weight before going to doctor's room and so yeah I cried for days after seeing the numbers on scale. 😌

What I'm gonna say is, I gained tons of weight but don't really know how much it is.

There's just 32 days left. I have to be strong enough for that. I feel really sorry for myself about feeding that much.. Actually very veeery stressful time tho.

I should just study till this shit is over and then whole summer is mine. It will be fine.

I am gonna make it fine.

[carmo-lie]

i see all my imperfections dont lie to me

[carmo-lie]

Hell fuck yes

Manifesting getting to my ugw before my birthday

[carmo-lie]

I- just wow 😳

[carmo-lie]

Questions to consider when mentally ill (in your head, over and over again)

[carmo-lie]

DONE

Not really limited like it should be but still I've lost. I weighed myself yesterday (day 10's morning), result: -4.6 kgs

I'm not satisfied with it. I hit this weight after months or years maybe idk but I want more. I'm still fat.

Today I'm starting abc diet. I will just eat what I need for real and exercise. Till end of March I should lose like at least 6 kgs.

Wish me luck. ㅡㅡ

I'm starting today '10 day lose a stone' diet.

And then abc.

Lots of fasts and stuff but I have to survive(?), as long as I have that much fat i'll be alive anyway.

[carmo-lie]

You wanna know what happens when you're starving?

Your hair gets thin and limp. Noticeably. You don’t have enough nutrients to help it stay healthy.

You get so. Fucking. Cold. All the time. People don’t want to touch you, because you’re so cold. You’ll be shivering under a blanket, in a hot tub, by a fire, wherever you are.

You’ve heard that seeing food will be upsetting? You have no idea. Even if it’s nowhere near you, or on a screen, or in the hands of a stranger, you’ll resent it because you want it. Some nights you’ll start crying because you miss it so much.

Everything will become numbers. You aren’t just walking your dog anymore, you’re counting the minutes and calories you’re burning. You aren’t enjoying a warm day, you’re trying to figure out if the higher temperatures are making your heart rate go up so you burn faster.

Your social life will die. You’ll be skittish and avoid people when they have food in case they offer some. You’ll say no to parties and dates and meet-ups because you think there might be food. You’ll grow paranoid, terrified of people finding out. You’ll start to despise people who love you solely because they want to help.

You’ll hurt. That pang in your chest? It’s probably because you’re not eating. Your stomach? Say goodbye to its silence. Your butt? It’ll hurt whenever you sit down. You’ll get headaches, heart pains, even breathing will eventually become exhausting.

And eventually, you’ll die. Maybe you ate more than usual and couldn’t handle the thought of gaining, and exercised so much that your heart overexerted itself. Maybe you actually did gain, and that enough was enough to make you swallow a handful of pills. Maybe your blood pressure lowered to fatal levels, or maybe you passed out and hit your head on a table.

It all ends the same.

Don’t let the “pro ana’s” fool you, this isn’t a glamorous lifestyle. This is a deadly and painful illness.

I feel like a lot of people need to remember that before they skip their meals.

Don’t do this to yourselves, you gorgeous humans. You deserve to live. You deserve friends. You deserve love.

You deserve to eat.

[carmo-lie]

Her acc is full of thinspo, can check when want to trigger

[carmo-lie]

I'm starting today '10 day lose a stone' diet.

And then abc.

Lots of fasts and stuff but I have to survive(?), as long as I have that much fat i'll be alive anyway.

[carmo-lie]

Random ED things nobody really talks about

Being jealous of friends or people who have been severely underweight/ hospitalized

Hundreds of awkward angle body checking photos

Looking at the size of your legs/body in every mirror, reflection, shop window

Being disgusted at watching people eat

Comparing people’s body size and weight to yours before noticing anything else about them

Being obsessed with cooking/dieting/food programmes

The pain of hitting your hip bone on a table

Hating yourself for judging anyone who is healthy or overweight

Being proud of your lowest weight once recovered/weight restored

Eye rolls when anyone without an ED discusses their new diet/weight loss

Eating every tiny bit of a specific calorie portioned food because damn if you’ve counted those calories you are gonna enjoy them

Feeling embarrassed for eating ‘unhealthy’ foods because people assume you eat nothing/survive on lettuce

‘Wow you’re actually eating’ kill me

Not enjoying excercise or wanting to work out

Alternating between being scared of all food and wanting to consume everything in sight

Really horrific awful bad breath (like seriously bad)

One day you’re too scared to eat a tomato the next you eat chocolate without worrying about it

Looking in the mirror after eating and feeling like you gained 20lbs

The anxiety and embarrassment of buying laxatives/diet pills

[carmo-lie]

I want to kill myself even more with

Consuming every little piece of food

Every thought about food

Food.

[carmo-lie]

The way she triggers me is unreal

Jang wonyoung (Iz*one) Bmi: 16

[carmo-lie]

You know that feeling when you’re so disgusted with your body that you want to grab the fat on your body and tear it off your bones. It’s an actual burning urge to just rip the fat right off and throw it away but you can’t. So you just have to sit there in complete discomfort squirming and fighting back tears and just wanting, needing to have all the fat gone.

[carmo-lie]

listen. i don’t “talk to people first” i simply sit around forgetting that i’m a person until someone texts me and i’m reminded that people know me

[carmo-lie]

281020

~

Being able to vomit is so fucking impressive rn.

Just 1 in 2 whole weeks. What am I even fucking trying for? Open your damn eyes. Even if you got slimmer by exercise, YOU STILL MUST LOSE.

Please just do not keep living like a bitch. Don't you want to be attractive? Okay then it's all I want. For some fucking self-love. If you want it that much, why do you keep seeing everything like a play. Just don't fucking eat. Just consume what you need. Not much. Not less.

Or I'm going to fuck up with your vocal chords. Is it what you want again?

[carmo-lie]

Self harm is :

•making yourself sleep deprived •making yourself cold (not wearing warm clothes in the winter, sleeping without a blanket etc) •not eating •not drinking •eating too much •not looking before crossing the street •scratching •letting your skin be dry & break easily •picking at skin •over-exercising •substance abuse •over-working yourself •making yourself go out and do things even though you’re exhausted •putting yourself in anxiety-inducing situations (even if you have a choice to stay out of them) •triggering yourself •purposefully angering someone who you know will yell at you •entering relationships you don’t want to be in/being around people you don’t want to be around •having sex when you don’t want to •setting yourself punishments •not giving yourself time •not letting yourself spend time with the people you love & know will be good to you •yelling at yourself inside your head •pinching or bruising yourself instead of cutting •cutting •holding everything in even when you have the option of venting •over stressing •over thinking •staying in abusive relationships (friend wise or romantically)

STOP assuming that self-harm is visible and easy to notice. It’s NOT. Self harm isn’t always physical, it can be emotional, and mental as well

[carmo-lie]

The less I eat, the more I lose

The more I lose, the thinner I get

The thinner I get, the more I accept myself

The more I accept myself, the happier I’ll be