carnalconcinnity

[carnalconcinnity]

good afternoon

[carnalconcinnity]

the advice "just let them know beforehand that you're about to disappear" is such a shit advice bc you do get i always fucking disappear. it's chronic. it's not 2 times in a year occurrence. unconsciously i keep searching for ways to get out and ways to not show up everytime i'm expected to do that, and even if i make myself show up – the more i make myself do it, the quicker the bomb goes off and i disappear off the surface of the earth. it doesn't fucking help bc every 2 weeks i'll be texting that "sorry i'm about to disappear" and what kind of relationship could sustain such behavior anyways? it's just that texting and showing up is not me. is not something i do. inherently. you have to first face that i'm not here for you and i'll never be, and that should always be the starting point of wanting to know me.

[carnalconcinnity]

Today on Amari doesn’t get a break.

Been back at University for not even two days, a guy from maintenance bursts into my room without knocking expecting me to be out, little does he know just the type of person that inhabits the place.

He ends up walking in on me half naked replaying project diva in what could only be called a degenerate autism nest for a bed.

I’ve never seen someone regret barging in as fast as he did.

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i absolutely have to watch the dmmd anime after i replay the game 😭

i can already feel the dmmd disease spreading through my veins

there is no coming back, only coming

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instead of worrying abt whether or not yr scaring the hoes y dont u find some hoes that dont get scared, brave hoes. indomitable hoes

[carnalconcinnity]

Leaving my room to travel home on a train and I’m not a religious person but considering my last few trips were more hassle than I could ever bargain for, I might be praying a little.

Last time I had to travel down, there had been a delay so the time to change trains had gone from 20 minutes to about 5 but I got there in time, everyone’s trying to get on board and I’m behind a man who’s struggling a bit and just needs that space to get up.

I give him the time he needs until this woman behinds me starts to get snappy, saying ‘Hurry the hell up, get on already’. Bearing in mind there is another completely free entrance not too far away. She gets more and more pushy and eventually I decide I’ve had enough.

So even once that man is done I decide to take my sweet time getting on, by the time I’m done the doors are closed and I turn around to look at this woman who has murder in her eyes, I’ve never seen someone want to kill me more than her.

And I give her the most shit eating grin while waving goodbye to her as the train started moving.

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It’s gotten worse, now someone who has a similar appearance to me (unique enough to be easily recognised) got caught doing a n*zi salute in the campus nightclub last night. Someone made an anonymous confession about seeing it and I’m now being asked if I’m that person.

Today has been strange.

I found out that the uni cafeteria nicknamed me after I keep showing up at the times I know nobody else is there and ordering like one single thing to takeout.

I’m now “Takeout Girl” and if anyone tries to put my food on a regular plate the other chefs get mad.

I fear that trying not to be perceived has done the exact opposite. Fuck.

[carnalconcinnity]

I found out that the uni cafeteria nicknamed me after I keep showing up at the times I know nobody else is there and ordering like one single thing to takeout.

I’m now “Takeout Girl” and if anyone tries to put my food on a regular plate the other chefs get mad.

I fear that trying not to be perceived has done the exact opposite. Fuck.

[carnalconcinnity]

Amane should have always had an innocent T1, guilty T1 was game over no matter how you look at it, her voice drama from the first trial had subtleties in her character that indicated a forgiven verdict being a far better outcome.

It’s why it drives me insane when people pass off her outcome with ‘well we didn’t have enough information in T1’ and think that’s sufficient enough of an explanation.

Okay so.

Let's talk about Amane.

Cause the discussion around her is so black and white, it kinda infuriates me???

There's the people who think she's the fucking devil himself, and there's people who think she's an angel who's done absolutely no wrong ever.

And.

Please

I beg of you

Both of you

Shut the fuck up

I'm going to die.

So let's get one thing out of the way before I continue

AMANE WAS, IS, AND FOREVER WILL BE A VICTIM.

Ok?

Everyone understand that?

Ok, good.

Now.

With that in mind.

I REALLY don't think Amane should have been voted "innocent" the second time around.

Listen.

I tried so hard to be on the inno side. And I held out hope, right?

Surely it's the right thing to do, she IS a kid afterall.

And she is!

And in all other circumstances, I think voting her innocent would be the right thing to do.

But here's the thing.

I think we fumbled the whole "What is the prisoner gonna take from this?" Aspect of Amane's trail.

I think we were so blinded by the abuse she's shown to suffer that we didn't really... THINK about what's actually going on in her head.

That sounds whack as fuck BUT LISTEN, RIGHT

HEAR ME THE FUCK OUT.

Since she was voted guilty the first time, the result was that cracks formed in her world view, and it began to shatter her mental health.

When she next spoke to us...

Amane was not presenting herself as just herself.

But rather as herself AND her religion.

SHE TELLS US THIS, EXPLICITLY

Even if it wasn't a case of "this is Amane and her alter" like Es said. Even if it's not REALLY her religion speaking to us.

She's speaking on BEHALF of the religion.

Do you understand what I'm saying here?

By voting Amane innocent, we didn't just deem HER innocent

We deemed her religion innocent.

And yes, the state she was in at the time was absolutely awful. But, as it stands. It was progress.

This voice drama wasn't a defense of her. It was a defense of her religion.

She was shaken, because who wouldn't be shaken after having their world view challenged?

And instead of being firm. Instead of saying "Your religion is flawed. You were abused."

We backpedaled because we felt bad for her.

And I went along with it because of the pressure on all sides... But now that we're seeing the results, I definitely don't think this was a good decision.

She's not taking her innocent verdict as

"I'm innocent because I'm a victim of abuse and my actions are justified"

She took her innocent verdict as.

"I'm innocent because my religion is correct, therefore my actions are justified"

HELL.

SHE EVEN SAYS THAT SHE'S GOING TO GO ON TO CONTINUE PRACTICING HER RELIGION IN THE START OF HER TRAIL 2 MUSIC VIDEO

She wasn't a depressed husk because we told her "You shouldn't have defended yourself. Your abuse was justified." She ALREADY thought her abuse was justified.

She was like that because we told her "Your world view is wrong. This religion isn't what you think it is. It's not sunshine and rainbows. This is abuse."

She was like that because we put cracks in her world view

Don't believe me?

Compare and contrast her music videos themselves.

Notice how the first is cutesy, sunshine, rainbows, the works?

Now look at the second one.

She's on the defense. And the cracks are starting to form.

Compared to the first video, where her "punishments" are shown in cute little montages, in the second video, we get raw, unfiltered glimpses into what she endured.

She was starting to see what her religion truly was.

And here's where I think we failed as voters.

We were so caught up in "She's a child! She's a victim! She didn't do anything wrong!"

That we COMPLETELY overlooked what was being judged in Amane's eyes.

We were so shell shocked as viewers, and we felt so sorry for her, the person, the child, we didn't see that in her eyes we were judging her faith.

Essentially.

We were SO blinded by our own morality...

That we ended up telling Amane that the cult that abused her was innocent, and that the abuse she suffered was justified.

We didn't tell her what she needed to be told

WE know she's a child. WE know she suffered abuse.

SHE didn't.

She needed to be told as much through a guilty verdict.

Basically

Our INTENDED message wasn't the RECIEVED message.

We did a complete 180°

I think, if we wanted to go the whole "she's innocent cause she's just a kid" route, we shouldve voted her innocent from the beginning, then kept going with the innocent verdict.

But it was too late for that, she was voted guilty, and our backpedaling did some real damage.

When she was voted guilty, she started to have cracks in her world view. She started to have doubts the religion was wrong. But then we backpedaled and told her it was right.

And instead of sticking with the "your religion is wrong" we turned it around.

While what we were SAYING is "you're not wrong for killing your abuser" what SHE HEARD was "Your religion is not wrong, the rule breakers needed to be punished"

SHE EVEN SAYS AS MUCH HERSELF

"I am thankful for the fact that you have forgiven me. For I was able to follow through with my faith due to such. And at the same time, I have also realized my mistakes."

So by voting her innocent, because in her mind we were judging her cult and not her. We accidentally told her that her abusers were right.

Does that make any sense?

Obviously in a traditional sense Amane is innocent.

But BY NO MEANS is this a traditional case!!!

The suspect on trial wasn't Amane but her religion.

We failed to see that.

And

We.

Fucking.

FUMBLED.

And because we told her that, blinded by her brainwashing, she's a victim, yes, but now she's a victim who's perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

And don't you DARE tell me she's not perpetuating the cycle.

People got hurt.

Shidou is obvious, but let's talk about Fuuta.

Obviously, Fuuta isn't dumb for falling victim to the cult and seeking comfort in religion after all he's been through.

But I think it's a bit stupid to say that he hasn't been brainwashed as well.

And I think it's REALLY stupid to say Amane is just... y'know okay for doing this?

She indicates in her new lines that her religion won't be flawed, because there won't be any who break the rules (or oppose her)

"I was mistaken. The religion I believed in was incomplete. That's why there were people who broke the rules. Those who opposed it. Milgram cannot be depended on either. In that case, I could just make it! My own original! Ahahahaha..! Hahahaha!”

If someone breaks the rules, she is most likely going to punish them like she was punished for breaking the rules. If someone opposes her religion, they'll die.

And thanks to us, she thinks that's okay

So in conclusion.

Y'ALL WE MISSED THE WHOLE ASS POINT OF AMANE'S TRAIL, AND NOW WE'RE PAYING THE FUCKING PRICE.

So yeah

She should've been voted guilty for her own sake.

Idk I feel like I'm gonna get flamed.

BUT FUCK IT

WE BALL.

[carnalconcinnity]

No idea if this had been suggested before but Milgram with everything the same except they gave Fuuta his phone and he liveposted everything, there’s a new bunch of timelines made and it’s just his tweets.

Imagine his run in with Kotoko after T1 results and the timeline update is just this:

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I’ve always seen ‘you can’t vote someone this or that way they need help not punishment’ or ‘we need to vote this way to show them this’ underpinning a lot of votes and judgments on characters.

Milgram is not a rehabilitation institution in the slightest, it’s a punishment institution. Forgiven or unforgiven, they aren’t getting ‘help’ or therapy or de-programming if we vote a certain way.

It isn’t innocent or guilty as we know it. It is forgiven and unforgiven. Affirmation or rejection of their mindsets in each song and voice drama as they’re shown. To them it’s a raw ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to their beliefs at that moment with almost no reasoning as for why.

It’s purely psychological, we cannot communicate with them, they just interpret the overall result. We aren’t judging their physical ‘crimes’ but rather what we are seeing in their heads.

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Milgram voting really is like

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Isolation after a far too social month, the peace and the callouts for not being healthy it brings

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There’s something fascinating about Fuuta’s T3 sprite and the way him turning to religion has rid him of his individuality entirely.

He’s taken his hoodie off, his tracksuit bottoms are swapped out for what look like grey slacks and his shoes have gone from unique trainers to something way more simple.

Uniforms are often considered a clean slate and an identifier that you belong to a group. Cults can also enforce uniform to discourage independent thought.

It shows that Fuuta isn’t thinking independently anymore, he’s turned his back on all of his old ideas including the gratitude he once had to Shidou. He’s no longer panicked about the voices because ‘the standards have changed’ and it’s true. His standards have changed.

Right and wrong to him now follows the doctrine and I think the relief of being ‘absolved’ of his internal guilt and denial has led to the manic expression he has in his sprite. An extreme high over what he thinks is the end of his problems.

Also, to those victim blaming Fuuta (although I haven’t seen much on this app compared to others), cult mentality has always been a big part of his story.

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Redownloading the app formerly known as twitter onto my phone to look at what the milgram fandom is up to over there and subjecting myself to the absolute shittiest takes imaginable

I also think now is a good time to mention that if you’re gonna associate yourself with a character so strongly that you get viscerally upset and lash out at very real people when bad things happen to your very fictional favorite, it’s time to log off and maybe distance yourself from this project for a bit

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It’s been difficult to revisit Milgram for T3 and see the sheer amount of people surprised by Amane when they forgave her cult ideologies in T2.

Amane isn’t inherently evil, she’s a young victim to her circumstances but a lot have brushed off that her overall reason for killing was ‘violating the cult beliefs’.

This is not a motive of self defence. This is a punishment motive. Child or not (which in my opinion has been a swaying reason for the fandom far too much), Amane knew she was killing and even expresses outright ruthlessness in Purge March.

The fandom however forgave this mindset. So when she felt Shidou was violating cult rules, she felt entitled to kill him. I’ll say it again she has been allowed to feel entitled to kill Shidou.

There’s never a perfect victim and honestly I think the voting got screwed up before Amane’s T2 but I just can’t stand those who participated and have now seen Amane’s (and to a small extent Fuuta’s) current state and Shidou’s death and been shocked.

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It's so humiliating for me to engage in real life melodrama.

And life is very dramatic, of course, but responding to that drama with drama has always been regrettable for me, even if it is somewhat justified. I can't take myself seriously like that, looking back on certain situations where I had once participated in it.

Even in poetry I've written, using artistic language to describe my experiences, to paint a more understandable picture, makes it so much more difficult for me to read my old poetry. I can't read my old journal entries either from times where I was particularly struggling. Even when things are overwhelming and I'm feeling irrational, I never truly think irrationally. These moments that people describe as emotions producing uncontrollable impulses and actions I never experience, but I experience those dramatic dreadful feelings.

I used to think more often about these ideas of "fate" or moments where something could be special to me or something mattered more than it did, and I look back on those with humiliation, especially knowing it wasn't something I actually cared about. By injecting these melodramatic ideas into situations, it was a method of trying to make me feel something more than I was or to make something more significant to me.

Alexithymia makes it more difficult to experience and describe my feelings. Upon receiving some type of news or something similar, I have to sit with it in order to interpret how I actually feel about it. So often my feelings are shut off in the moment and I can't actually respond with how that makes me feel. I'm never in a state of mind where my emotions are fully active to react to anything. Of course as a child this was very different, and sometimes it feels as though my emotions were squeezed out of me gradually as I grew older.

So being melodramatic and trying to make my life have some sort of meaning was a way to try and experience that sense of self importance that I saw other people having. But it was never really genuine and was really just embarrassing, especially considering I never truly resonated with what I tried to make myself feel and believe.