Guess Who's BACK?:
Auradon's Hottest Reality Show—Dr. Jiminy!
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Summary: In which Jiminy Cricket has a show like Dr Phil that also does paternity testing.
Trigger Warnings: Implied Child Neglect/Abuse, Implied abuse of power, baby mama drama, implied cheating, etc.
LMK if I should add more to the list.
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Dr Jiminy: Now Gaston, is it true that you refuse to claim little Gemma here as your own?
*a video of Gemma pops up on screen*
Gaston: Yes, because she's not mine!
Crowd *boos and starts throwing stuff*
Crowd member 1: YOU SUCK!
Crowd member 2: YOU STINK!
Enchantress, Jumping up: THAT'S A LIE AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT! SHE HAS YOUR FACE! YOUR EYES!
Dr Jiminy: Ma'am calm down. Now, Gaston, why do you think Gemma isn't yours?
Gaston: cause no girl could be a child of Gastons! It's impossible! My family can only create boys!
*booing gets louder, gagging can be heard. Steam is coming off of the Enchantress*
Dr Jiminy in disbelief, waves a paper in the air: Well, this DNA test will prove whether or not that's correct. Drum roll please!
*drum roll starts*
3...
2...
1..
Dr Jiminy: Gaston..
*Gaston, arms crossed, looking smug*
Dr Jiminy: You ARE the father!
Crowd *starts screaming*
Gaston *jumps up* LIES! This is RIGGED!
Dr Jiminy: Now, Gaston, I understand that you're upset but--
Gaston *starts throwing chairs and destroying furniture *
Gaston Jr, backstage *Covers Gemma’s ears* So, who’s gonna tell him that the Enchantress’s little boy ain’t his?
Gaston Third *glares* No one.
Gaston Jr *rolls eyes* I was just kidding, sheesh.
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Dr Jiminy : Queen Leah, is it true that upon seeing your 18 year old granddaughter's ex purpose to his new girlfriend, you said and I quote "A lifetime of plans. Gone. Our family status gone. Audrey, you were supposed to be his queen, and you let him slip through your fingers. Your mother could hold on to a prince in her sleep."
Crowd *gasps*
Queen Leah: yes but—
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!
Person in the crowd: YOU STINK!
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Dr Jiminy : Is it true that you gave your daughters the Cinderella treatment--
Drizella *stands up and starts yelling* No, That would be my bitch of a mother and MY children wouldn’t have had to work their childhood away if WE HADN’T BEEN SENT TO THE ISLE!
Dr Jiminy: Ma'am, calm dow-
Drizella *being held back by her husband, Hans* I AM CALM!
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Dr Jiminy: Hello, all my crickets. Today we have two very special guests. Mulan..... and SHANG!
*Mulan and Shang enter from behind the curtains and take a seat on the couch*
Dr Jiminy *shakes their hands* How ya doing Shang? Mulan. Lovely to see you again. Now it's come to my understanding that you want to do a DNA test on your youngest, Lonnie?
Shang: That's right.
Mulan *nods*
Dr Jiminy: May I ask why that is? You both seem rather calm about this considering most people only come for DNA tests when the topic of cheating is involved.
Mulan: Oh no, we're not here because he thinks I cheated.
Shang: Which, for the record, I don't believe.
Dr Jiminy: oh?
Mulan: Yeah, we're actually here because we want to shut down the rumors and weirdness around people not believing that Shang is Lonnie's father.
Dr Jiminy: O-oh. *mutters* Well, that's a new one. *speaks up* Well, I have the results right here in this envelope. Are you ready?
Shang *grumbles* as ready as I'll ever be.
Mulan: More ready than I have ever been for anything else in my entire life.
*picture of Lonnie in her pjs in the kitchen, smiling pops up*
Dr Jiminy *opens the envelope * In the case of 16 year old, Li Lan-Lei (Lonnie), Shang.... you.. ARE THE FATHER!
Shang: I KNEW IT!
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!
Mulan: WE TOLD YOU SO!
Crowd *looks sheepish*
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Dr. Jiminy: So, Mulan. Shang.
Mulan and Shang *exchange a tired look*
Dr. Jiminy *Doesn't notice and continues* We are here today so you can answer a very important question.
Shang *Impatient* Which is?
Dr. Jiminy: Why exactly did you name your kids Li Shang Jr and Lonnie instead of some more culturally appropriate names?
Mulan *side eyeing them* We did.
Dr. Jiminy *taken aback* What?
Shang *irritated* my wife said we did. Which you would know if anyone used their proper names.
Dr. Jiminy: What do you mean by that?
Mulan *also now irritated* Our children are named Shaiming and Lan-Lei. Not Li Shang Jr or Lonnie. That's just what their classmates and teachers call them.
Dr. Jiminy: Oh..
Shang *getting up* We're leaving now.
Dr. Jiminy: Wait. What—don't go—
Shang and Mulan *leave anyway*
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Dr. Jiminy: Is it true that you and Yao's daughter, Yi-Min, was actually born out of an affair?
Princess Mei *starts crying due to personal reasons*
Crowd: ooo-
Yao *takes off his shoe and lungs at Jiminy Cricket* why you no good son of- *the shoe flies out of his hand, hitting the camera and causing it to turn off*
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Dr Jiminy: Lady Tremaine, is it true that when you found out your grandson, Anthony, was dating Harriet, you called him a moron and her a hussy?
Lady Tremaine: It is and I would do it AGAIN!
*crowd gasps*
Harriet* runs out from behind stage* SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU BITCH!
Dr Jiminy: Uh oh. SECURITY!
Harriet *lunges*
Anthony *back stage, mortified and covering Dizzy's eyes* Note to self, never invite grandmother to Holiday gatherings.
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Dr Jiminy: Now, Queen Aurora. King Philip. What do you have to say against the accusations that have been leveled against you by your daughter?
Philip, defensive: Okay, so we weren't the most attentive parents but we aren't neglective!
Aurora, quiet: Neglective is a rather strong word for it.
Dr Jiminy: Then what would you call *checks notes* only seeing your daughter during holidays and big royal events?
Philip *dryly* Being a busy royal.
Crowd *starts booing*
Philip *stands up* WHY ARE YOU BOOING ME? I'M RIGHT!
Aurora: She was with family!
Dr Jiminy *looking disappointed* that doesn't make you any less neglective for not playing a bigger part in her life. She's your only child.
Crowd *booing louder and start throwing things*
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Dr Jiminy: Mr Clayton. Is it true that you shot at your son six times last month?
William Clayton: He's being a baby! It was only 3!I wouldn't waste that much amo on him in a month.
Clay *yelling from behind stage* You shot at me six times in one day once!
William: BECAUSE YOU WERE BEING ANNOYING! EVEN YOUR YOUNGER BROTHERS AREN'T THAT ANNOYING!
William's sister, Lady Waltham, busts out from behind the curtains: YOU WHAT?! I'LL KILL YOU!
William: oh shit *bolts*
Lady Waltham *chases him* GET BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT LIKE A MAN!
Dr Jiminy: Oh dear.
Cash Clayton, 10: Should we stop her? Could we even stop her?
Clay, 18: GO AUNT MANDY! GO! KICK HIS ASS!
Wilson 'Will' Clayton, 12: I'll take that as a no...
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Narrator: Next time on Dr. Jimny, we will be finding out whether the rumors about Pinocchio and Alice's children are true—
*Photo of 13 year old Ally and 12 year old Pin flashes on screen*
—Whether or not Romeo 'Lampwick' Rossi, husband of Chief Tiger Lily, can be jealous and controlling—
*Audio-less video of Lampwick punching a guy flashes on screen*
—and whether or Queen Eilonwy Bluefairy of Llyr is cheating on her husband, Alexander Bluefairy, with Coach Reese Jenkins and her royal guard, Taran.
*Three separate photos of Queen Eilonwy with each of the aforementioned men flash on screen*
But until next time, this has been, Dr. Jiminy!
*Music starts playing* Guess who's back, guess who's back, Jiminy's back! Hey! *screen goes black*
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30. " im sure ___ was trying to protect me " with Tulip, Tiger Peony , Blue Veronica and their dad Lampwick
Tiger Poeny:
"So, Robert was it-"
"Actually Bobby is short for something else-"
"So. Robert. What are your intentions with my daughter?"
Bobby looked like he wanted to jump off of a cliff and I really couldn't blame him because I wanted the Earth swallow me whole in that moment.
Because honestly, while I'm sure Dad was just trying to protect me that didn't make it any less embarrassing.
"DAD!"
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Tulip:
I know Dad was trying to protect me.
But couldn't he have done it in a way that WOULDN'T have gotten us arrested?
"So....Who we gonna call?"
"I don't know but definitely not mom."
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Blue Veronica:
I'm sure Dad was just trying to protect me...
"But daddddd. Do I really need all this protective gear?"
But the thick gloves, thick goggles, thick lab coat, bubble wrap, and plastic bubble was all a bit much...
"Absolutely. Don't you know how dangerous chemistry sets can be?"
I looked to mom for help but she just shrugged.
Looks like I'm stuck like this.
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Sunflower:
I reached out to touch the little thing in the wall, giggling.
Only to feel myself being picked up.
"Oh no, you don't wanna touch that Sunflower. It will shock you-'"
"Dada!" I squealed trying to reach for his face. Excited.
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I hope you enjoyed.
Sorry this whole thing is written oddly. I don't do first person often.
Happy early birthday!
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Worries Can Wait.
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Summary: How Alice Liddell first became a mother.
Trigger warnings: child abandonment, technical kidnapping, lying, swearing, etc.
Hazel and Artie are from The Sword in the Stone.
Taran and Eilonwy are from The Black Cauldron.
Marie, Calla, Aquarianne, and Cavin are from Adventures of the Gummi Bears.
Alexander, Pinocchio, and Lampwick are from Pinocchio.
Reese Jenkins is from Disney Descendants.
Alice Liddell is from Alice in Wonderland.
Tiger Lily is from Peter Pan.
Smitty is from Dumbo.
Made for @casinotrio1965 .
A glance was exchanged between Pinocchio and Lampwick.
Then Lampwick and Alexander.
Then Alexander and Taran.
Then Taran and Hazel.
Then Hazel and Artie.
Then Artie and Smitty.
Then Smitty and Marie.
Then Marie and Calla.
Then Calla and Aquarianne.
Then Aquarianne and Cavin.
Then Calvin and Reese Jenkins.
Then Reese Jenkins and Eilonwy.
And then, finally, a look was exchanged between Eilonwy and Tiger Lily until finally, the Neverlandian warily spoke up—realizing that no one else was willing to do it. “Alice?”
The blonde hummed from the rock she was sitting on in their forest ‘hideout’ (which was just a little aways from Auradon University). Not looking up from the small bundle in her arms that had every one of her friends (not to mention her poor boyfriend, Pinocchio) filled with dread. “Yes?”
“Whatcha got there?”
The twenty year old didn't miss a beat. “A baby.”
“ Who's baby?” Eilonwy asked, sharply before Tiger Lily or anyone else, could.
“My baby.”
Pinocchio yelped and started counting on his fingers, only for Lampwick to elbow him in the side.
“We would have known if you were pregnant, Alice. Who's baby is it, really? ” Tiger Lily crossed her arms, just as Eilonwy herself did so.
The blonde shot her a glare. “She is mine! I found her, that makes her mine. She's just as much mine as you guys' children are yours!”
“You weren't pregnant so WHERE did you get it?!”
“ Her. I got her from the barrage, okay?!”
“THE BARRAGE?!”
Alice rolled her eyes at everyone’s reactions. “Yes, the barrage.”
Pinocchio swallowed. “The… the one that brings supplies to the isle of the lost every day—”
“ —and the isle where people like the coachmen live?” Alexander asked, pale.
“Yes, that barrage and yes that isle.”
Lampwick, Eilonwy, and Reese swore. And they were the only ones.
"Alice, what the fuck—”
And Tiger Lily? She lost it. “WHAT WERE YOU—”
Alice shushed her as the baby started to cry.
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It was a story that all of them swore to take to their graves after that day.
And after that day, if anyone asked who the baby girl belonged to, all fourteen of them would give the exact same answer: Alison Ludovica Liddell, daughter of Alice Liddell and Pinocchio Collodi-Rossi-Liddell.
Or, Ally, for short.
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