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“No one is more arrogant toward women, more aggressive or scornful, than the man who is anxious about his virility.”

— Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex

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26

Welcome back, world! It's me, writing the long overdue love letter to myself. It's September and I guess it's the holy national month of melancholy because, unfortunately, I am sad again. Even though I just turned 26 a few days ago. Our hearts are unpredictable and our minds are just restless. The last time I've been this restless was approximately 6 years ago. I was sad, depressed, suicidal, and lonely. I can't believe I got out and went back full circle today! I got older and I come back to the same old dark loop where life seems impossible and my body just refuses to be alive. That's the one thing I learn--you can get older and get depressed again, but also, please do believe that you will get out because you actually did get out once. You'll do it again, effortlessly!

Sometimes I just wish I don't have to be depressed. I wish I can just do things, go to work, live life, without ever questioning my worth or be unhappy about where I am--but at this point I think it's a just a 'me' thing to live that way. But don't worry, we'll find a way out.

This message will be the most blunt and ruthless I'll ever write, because that's just the thing about being 26! You make a joke out of your misery and you just roll with it as quickly as possible. I just hope I can go to sleep early tonight and wake up super early to catch up on all the work I left behind today because I was just too depressed to do things.

At 26 you also find out that one of the phase of moving on is feeling tons of anger and hatred towards your ex for deleting the cool photos on our shared google drive from your old camera. I just wanted to find cool pictures of me at the beach, but he deleted the folders! Then you cursed on his name and you removed his access from all of your shared google drive files. At the end of the day, I still love him and I think I will always love him no matter what. I just have to live with that fact, move on in life, and find happiness in someone new because I knew that love had grown between us because I was capable of loving someone so genuinely and wholeheartedly--and I will do it again!

The next thing I know, I stalked a guy I know from college and I found out he just graduated from his MBA degree earlier this year. I found myself reading 84 pages of his thesis and it helped me to get overly motivated on becoming as cool as he is. Oh, and news flash: I actually have a crush on this guy, it's just that I don't know what to do to actually make things happen! So I do nothing and I just see him from afar. I think this crush feelings will pass anyway. But it's fun to get yourself motivated from someone you once knew! And another fun fact: he is a virgo and at least 180 cm tall.

Other than that, I am actually contemplating on switching my career sometimes next year. No, I'm not considering it--I am actually on my way to achieve it. Yes, I plan to chase it and make it happen because I am kind of worn out on my current job. I have no passion, no drive, I gave it a chance for four years long and I still struggle so badly on finding that "sparks" in my job. I cannot live that way for much longer, I have to make a change. Hopefully, CPNS will be the ticket to get me out of this loop and change my life 180 degrees for the better! Aamiin.

I don't have much wisdom to share, I just have updates to write. But maybe if I really have to sum up something, it is that life is really a rollercoaster and you just have to find your grip to hold on to while you ride the ups and downs. And for me, it is my prayers, trust in God, and hopes for the better future. I guess that is all that I can share! Anyway, happy birthday to me!

With love,

Dea

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confused, hungry, and sleepy :)

I am going to be unserious here because I think I am overwhelmed by all the feelings I'm currently unintentionally processing. And I consider my self a writer, not professionally, more in a reflective casual unserious way. I warned you before, that this is very unserious that you probably won't learn anything from this article at all.

I turn 25 years old in one month and it's a big deal for me. First and foremost, 5 years ago I didn't know I would survive this far in life. Second, more than a decade ago I created an image of my 25 years old self that may or may not happen in factuality. The only fact I know, in one month, my brain's frontal lobe will be fully developed and I can expect less noise and unnecessary thought happening inside my head. If it doesn't happen, I blame the internet for that.

I am not terrified. I am excited. I am instead, in many ways, terrified that I am more excited rather than scared of facing this new important age. Shouldn't I be scared? I don't know. Friends who are older than me and are already there had told me many stories about the whirlwind of turning 25, 26, 27, and the journey of fully absorbing themselves into the real adulthood starting at this age. But I won't budge with what I was supposed to feel, and instead I will accept what I feel as it is. And yes, I am excited.

This may or may not happen because of certain things that had happened to me in the first half of 2023. On a more important note, I usually write self reflection article at the beginning of a new year. This year, however, I didn't. And to make up for that absence. I can say my first half of 2023 was a little bit of everything happened all at once. I was happy, I was depressed, I was excited, I was angry, I was sad, and back to square one, I was happy again. As a believer, I think it probably happened that way because god was giving me some kind of a test so all roads will bring me back to Him. And it worked.

24 is a messy age, for me. I'm doing a job that I'm not satisfied with. I have been holding on for a year, because I still think I have to ace this test--I have to learn how to be comfortable in uncertainty, dissatisfaction, and grow to become resilient. Until my mind and body just couldn't do it anymore--and I turned to god to pray for a way out. At 24 too, I was preparing masters that I fortunately will postpone to 1-2 years later. I am explaining this because this 2 things had become my only source of overthinking and anxiety for the past year. I was so scared of not excelling and not being where I want to be that I was chasing everything at the same time. Until I realize, life is not supposed to be this difficult. Why can't I just let it go? I am 100% sure it's not the right time and I don't have to force myself to do it now!

Anyway, 24 was a horse race. It was a car race. It was a heist. It was a car chasing moment between me and the uncertainty of the future. Then it hit me--I wasn't able to fully be dependent on god and trust in Him more fearlessly. I am highly spiritual and I should have mastered this a long time ago. But life happens and sometimes we go back to being human; which is forgetful and egotistical. Thinking I could solve everything. Thinking the answer is all within me. Sometimes, it's not. In most of the time, I don't have the answer.

At this age too I discovered that I am not the independent girl I thought I was. In terms of relationship, my codependency is uncontrollable. This is my highest dilemma too, because I value my devotion, my empathy, and my ability to love. I am selfless, I am loyal, and I am understanding. But, where do I draw my boundaries? I had my first ever relationship last year and it ended very recently. It broke me to a thousand pieces because throughout my life I had always thought once I have a boyfriend, he will be the one I marry. That's why I was never in a relationship. I was saving my heart and devotion to the one special person that I choose to open my heart to after long observation & consideration. I did it at 23. But again, life happens. Sometimes, it doesn't go the way you had planned it to be. Back then, it would be hard for me to process it, but now it's kind of easier for me to come to terms with acceptance.

One thing I learn about the whirlwind of my early 20s (those age before 25, I mean) is that all of these hardships had brought me to the other sides of me that I had never seen before. I know my self better because of these rage and tears. I never knew I was, in fact... whole. All this time I was sure that I was broken inside, that I always needed help, that I always felt miserable because something inside me is not right. But to be honest, that is the process--and that in many ways is definitely not the condition.

I am actually stronger than I thought.

I was broken when my parents got divorced 5 years ago. I was depressed and suicidal for several years. I really thought I was going to die when I felt like the whole world was against me. But today, I am very thankful for all of that. I earned a very valuable lessons. I became the strong older daughter that my family lean on to now. I became that friend who is willing to share everything she has and she knows so that everyone around me can take pieces of me that are positive to their growth--my existence is not a waste and I believe it now.

I am an independent thinker. I am an independent woman who understands her right to be whoever she wants to be. And I choose to be the kind of person who is not afraid to give. I was clammed up inside a seashell when I was younger. Because I knew I liked to give, but I was constantly getting disappointed by people's disapproval of my giving. I thought, I was just being nice... why can't you accept me and what I want to offer to you? Now I know, people have the right to accept whatever they want to accept. I have to be smarter on choosing who I want to give compassion and love to, and those are the people whom I call my close friends now. Those people who keep telling me and reminding me of my worth. And I think in terms of romantic partnership, that is the key quality that I seek too.

I value friends and romantic partner who can acknowledge my worth and never gets tired of seeing the best of me.

Talking about romantic partnership too, at 24 I witnessed a lot of my close friends getting married or finding the one and planning to get married next year. I am beyond happy for them, and I truly genuinely become happier too when I see their best smiles on their wedding day. I get to be close friends with their husbands and partners too, and I was somehow glad that all of my girl friends end up with good men. And of course, as a confused, hungry, and sleepy 24 years old woman...I often ask "When is it going to be my turn?"

A very unserious question that is, of course I know I will have my own time to shine, and of course knowing how highly I value my ability to love, it's going to be hard too to meet and choose my future husband. And me being picky is not an obstacle, it is a gift. I understand my value and I understand that not everyone has the ability to receive the kind of love that I have. When I love, I love hard. And so yeah, I am patiently just continuing my life while keep praying for the best to god. I am not a casual dater. And knowing the difficulty of life ahead of me, I truly wish that I will be engaged this year and get married sometime next year in 2024. I don't know. In terms of romantic partnership, this is my wish and I can't think of anything else.

It may seem like I am over-explaining my goals and personal confusions, but this is just my way of processing everything. Again, a very unserious article that you probably cannot learn anything from. I am simply just pouring out my thoughts so I can sleep well tonight (Fact: I have been having acid flux this week because I've been drinking 2 cups of coffee everyday because I was always sleepy during the day and it happened because I've been losing sleep every night!)

So this is my piece. I am currently just so excited counting down to my 25th birthday. I only started to feel excited for birthdays when I was 22. And I think it is an achievement for me, to finally not being ashamed of feeling excited about something, and also to finally being able to feel excited about something. I have been planning for travel with friends, hiking trips, road trips, deciding what to wear for Taylor Swift's Eras Tour next year, strengthening my faith through learning and practicing, planning for masters, and planning for my wedding that I don't know when will happen.

I am counting down to 25 doing all these things that I am excited about. Doing all these things that I never got to do before. And most importantly, I finally get to do these solely for myself and because of me. No one is there in the agenda. No one inside the frame that I intentionally try to impress.

For the first time in my life, I do these things for me and me only. I am finally a hundred percent content with myself and I am at peace.

With love,

Dea

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“People are always angry at anyone who chooses very individual standards for his life; because of the extraordinary treatment which that man grants to himself, they feel degraded, like ordinary beings.”

— Friedrich Nietzsche, Human, All Too Human, 495

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Clarence River Floodplain, Northern NSW Australia [OC] 2587 x 3449 - Author: Stu_Murphy_Artist on Reddit

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October fullmoon.

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welcome back, again

Hello, I'm officially welcoming my self back to the art of writing (and consistently publishing blog entries on this page) after ditching it for too long. Some nights ago, it hit me how my mind has been messy these days. And I know I've had it worst before, and I asked my self "How did I do it? How did I survive the worst of me?". I knew the answer to that, I always did. I just have to write, and keep writing.

I loooooove writing. However, and I guess this is the only way to justify my absence, I got tired. I was tired of life, I was tired of work, tired of responsibilities, tired of expectations, tired of questions, tired of assuming and anticipating, basically I was tired of most of the things in my life. I don't even have the energy to relax or to find bliss in leisure. I might sound like a pessimist, in which I am not and I always wake up with much.. much optimism, but I just got tired--from being my self.

Is it even possible that you get tired for being yourself? Aren't we supposed to live easily and find happiness when we become ourselves? I have been myself for years, and I grew tired of me.

There are some parts of me that I just can't comprehend. I accept my flaws, but I can't completely understand why. Why those flaws and all the things that grow from those flaws just keep on creating mess, chaos, and confusion, and disorganization all the time? It just...kept happening, and I feel trapped. I am trapped because how is it possible that you get out of yourself? Your own mind? Your own soul? Your own flesh and blood? You were born into it and you ought to live with it.

Some nights, I wish I was easier to handle. But I can't change it. I will always be that person who seeks perfection, who has impossible standards, who wants many things in life. Sometime, I wish I could just feel enough by breathing. It's just crazy that I don't feel fulfilled by just being human. And it is so dangerous when you don't feel fulfilled, you tend to seek those fulfillment from somewhere else--to make you feel whole.

I think, and I can confirm 100%, I am toxic like that. And... all I know is that I don't want to be the poison to anyone or anything that grows to love me.

I am a pile of contradictions. Someone who expects people to understand her but finds it difficult to understand people in return.

Maybe this is just something we tend to experience once we are on our way to leave youth. We are always a step closer to that era where your life only revolves around responsibility. No more self expression, no more rebelling against expectations. You are who you are expected to be.

Just yesterday I found myself surrendering to the fact that I cannot have all the things that I want. I am a 24 years old woman for god's sake. That is a fact that I should've known from years ago, but I had just come to terms with it...now.

And that is why, I come back to the cycle of self hatred. I feel like I grow apart from the person I was before adulthood happened. And I liked her very much--the inner child in me. I feel like I cannot let her go. She had saved me from 'everything'. From the bullies at school, from self loathing, from my parents divorce, from the experience of heartbreak and finding love within. But each day I just grew further from her and I am afraid.

I am afraid that If I find her again, will she be proud of who I become? A demanding difficult person, a bossy woman, a greedy and ambitious person who just never feel enough. Would she think of me as a friend or as the villain? and that is why... I never write anymore.

I am scared to get in touch with my self. I hate a part of myself, and I am scared that the other part of me will be disappointed with the person I am now. Is it normal to feel this way? At this age? At this time around Shouldn't I be that person who has everything figured out by now?

How pathetic it is that I don't.

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you've got a friend in me

There are things you learned sooner than everyone and sometimes, it has everything to do with how your natural upbringing just aligns with the trauma you faced. Life really does have been difficult to me, but all and all I somehow managed to bounce back and escaped the hell all the freaking time.

If 2020 was about how I found light at the end of my tunnel, then in 2021 I found something different. I have never felt like I needed someone so much before, or even anyone. I was raised by strict hard parents. The twist and turns in my past forced me to be independent. I liked my solitude, I liked being on my own. I liked how I never had to compromise with anyone because I make my own wish and I make my own decisions. I enjoyed being self sufficient because being dependent on someone else always brought me disappointment, and I never liked that.

I was an anxious kid, never seemed to relax, didn't know how to chill out--I was always focused on the next step and how to shape the best plan for my future. I was that independent girl you often see in movies.

However, those things have changed. If I have to sum up 2021, it was about finding the truest companions that suit me best--who are able to understand and tolerate me. And somehow, these findings had a tight relationship with late night road trips and the city of Bandung. I visited that beautiful city in March 2021 with the person I can call my best friend now.

During that trip, I became transparent to her and for the first time in my life I could unfold all the layers I had in me. I told her everything about me, the things that make me happy, the things that make me sad, my trauma, my pain, my past, and my future. It was the first time ever that I opened up to someone and that person didn't hurt me nor she disappoint me. She stayed there, she listened to me, she understood me, she agreed with me, and that was how I knew she was someone whom I can trust entirely.

It was a beautiful trip, because I learned that when I open up to that specific one right person, life is not scary at all. You feel safe, like you finally have a place you can call a shelter. While I knew she too has her own pain, I was willing to fight and be her shelter too. I was willing to be a better person and a better friend. Maybe people got confused as to how she and I could become close. I think it was not because of our personality at all--it was because we were willing to understand each other's perspectives and found something in common throughout the process. For the first time ever, I liked having a friend. I liked having a companion.

So that was how I began to contemplate about the meaning of having someone by my side. They don't have to change me, they just have to be there and be a good supporter. They just have to listen. They just have to sit next to me and share their warmth. They don't even have to do the extra mile like giving me gifts and all--it was really just about being there by my side.

With all the past trauma I faced, I knew I never wanted to go back to feeling like that again. I am scared that I don't even want to remember how I went through it all. I am just glad I got out. However, life is inseparable with sufferings. Well I guess sometimes life is all about suffering and only about that. We just have to enjoy the ups and downs, and slowly learned how to depend on god as our creator and the source of all power. So I figured, I do not want to face future sufferings alone. I refuse to do it all alone because it literally took all my weight to survive. So in 2021, I decided that I don't want to live alone anymore.

What I want is not a boyfriend or a husband. I've seen how those two could just leave and can probably get me to repeat the cycle all over again. What I really want is a partner. Someone who fits the checklist I have when it comes to being a companion, which is to just be by my side. Easy, right? But finding someone like that is difficult, because it turns people want different things from you. Some want power, lust, love, humor, you name it. Finding someone who really wants a partner as much as I do is not an easy task, and maybe it is not even my job to find it.

While it is difficult for me to fall in love with someone, in 2021 I found that I am close to experiencing that. It was, again, during a road trip in the city of Bandung.

How do I describe it? He is not perfect. He is real. He is the realest thing I've ever seen in a person, and that really comforts me. Talking to him was effortless. All the words just came out of my mouth and he actually reciprocated my messy train of thoughts. Time spent with him felt like heaven, I never wanted it to end. The more I learned him, the more I saw myself in him. I think it's like, we were made out of the same ingredients, we just happened to grow up living different lives and experiences. It could be what they call twin flames, I don't really know. It was more than just finding things in common. It was about agreeing to a certain point of view and understand each other that way.

Well, I felt understood by him. I didn't have to twist my language too much because he understood every word I said. And on the third month we got out together, I realized this was exactly how falling in love felt like. Like for once in your life, you finally didn't think about yourself. You set your ego aside and let him becomes a priority to you. When I saw him, I knew what I want. He is exactly the person I would like to ask to be my partner. He is all that. However I never said these things to him. I never had the chance and courage to say it to him. I think he is not currently in a state where he can respond to this kind of confession. I'll let time tells me when will it be right. I am willing to wait. Someday, somehow, he will know.

Now the problem arise, what if he doesn't end up to be my partner? Will I continue living? Well, yeah I will. And maybe, if it's not him, god will give me someone who is exactly like him. Someone who fits the checklist and be my companion for a lifetime. Even thought it will be hard for me because I am already attached to the memories I have with him, but I will get through it and I will survive like I always did.

In conclusion, my 2021 is all about finding out how I am actually just like anyone else. When I thought I am fine being alone, it turns out, the thought of having a companion doesn't suck that much. And I find myself wishing to be committed to one in the year 2022. The independent bold and self sufficient Dea actually wants to live her life with someone else that isn't her own self. The 18 years old me will be shock (lol). Well I will be 24 this year, I guess it is really the time to start thinking about this anyway.

Happy new year everyone. Hope all of you can live a happy life and find peace within yourself and with the people you love.

With Love,

Dea

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Rage Against The Machine // Killing In The Name

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  My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin? 

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The deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy.

Alfred North Whitehead, Adventures of Ideas (via philosophyquotes)

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Time does not dispose of a question – it only presents it anew in a different guise.

Agatha Christie, The Mysterious Mr. Quin (via freelance-philosopher)

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the pursuit of happiness

2020 was that crazy year where we all tried on new things and engaged with conversations we had never imagined before. I guess if I needed to do a recap of my own 2020, I didn’t have much but a frequent ups and downs between stress and celebration that will be too ugly to share. But most of all, I think my 2020 was not so bad. Compared to what I experienced in 2019, I had more than a thousand reasons to be happy and grateful throughout 2020--despite the on going pandemic that is currently still living within us.

I can say that god was kind enough to give me blessings in the middle of such a hard time. I still managed to finish my university, graduated with honors of Cum Laude, earned my first job right away after graduation, and have found balance between work and hobbies. I began to slowly manage my money and save some to fulfill my personal bucket list. I agree that it all sounds too good, but I must say it didn’t come to me as easy as it sounds. I mean, I had to bleed when I juggled between writing thesis, internship, and campus activities in the middle of a pandemic. I never want to flex because I still have a long journey ahead, but it is important to give myself appreciations for being strong enough to get through it all.

But that is not the point of my 2020. If I really needed to have my own 2020 recap, the highlight of the journey goes to the spiritual awakening that gave me strength ever since the beginning of the year. I wrote a some kind of self reflection blog entry in the end of 2019 titled “The Theory of Everything”. On that entry, I reflected on how wrong my views towards life had been all this time. And from that on, I started to have a mindset shift not only towards the universe, our world, and life itself, but also towards “me” as a person and what’s my purpose.

Only because of that reflection, I decided to manifest more positivity for 2020 and I started to count my blessings ever since--even to the smallest unimportant ones. I started to take my prayers seriously and believe 100% in god’s plan. I see that nothing is a coincidence and whatever happened or did not happen, it all would eventually make sense as time passes by. I used to think the terms “let god do the rest” was an impossible thing to apply, but once we know that most of the things that happen in our lives are not for us to decide--”let god do the rest” will be the only option we shall have after all of the hard works that we did. When we trust in god’s plan, and when we make Him our only place to come to during happy and hard times, that is when we finally could obtain our inner peace and see the world through a clearer point of view.

Believe it or not, 2020 had changed the way I see myself too. I used to live with anxiety and many insecurities in the past, but the all the self reflection and the sudden nostalgia that I had in 2020 brought me to this certain state of mind where I become more confident with who I am. I become so comfortable in my own skin because 2020 had shown me how interesting life can be. It was surprising to see that life can change people as easy as flipping one’s hand. The people who used to mock you are now living in the different way of life that you’d never imagined. The people who did not believe in you are now standing on the lower ground with regrets. Those friends whom you’ve been taken for granted in fact are the ones who stay with you, and then you realize your mistake for not giving them enough time to spend with.

Overall, those surprises had completely changed the way I see myself and the way I see people. It was almost like, 2020 had teared down the masks that people had used to hide their true selves. And now I see how foolish I was to think that I was inferior because the fact is, we are all the same--and some people are even worse than you thought they would be. So I decided to tear down my mask too and live day by day in my true colors. It is easier for me now to accept love and to give love. It is also easier for me to tolerate people’s flaws as now I see that none of us were meant to be perfect.

I guess, 2020 was that crazy because we all have been adapting to live as if we die tomorrow. At least that highly applies to me, even until now. I learned how to live in the moment and not to zoom out on life too much. I am now comfortable living with the balance of my feminine and masculine energy, and see that people are fluid--they can be whatever they want to be and if we can’t agree with that, at least we need to respect that. I listen to my body and consciousness more and more, and I feed my curiosity with books and informative platforms. But most importantly, the way we live now had taught me how to be grateful everyday for the smallest thing that I have. And I just knew that being grateful could make life a little bit easier in most of the time.

A friend of mine said that I had changed so much lately and I had never felt happier that she actually noticed that. Me, the cold hearted woman who over organize her life because she was so scared of the future is now a carefree hopeless romantic woman who wishes to marry soon and have a comfortable domestic life balancing between ambition and family. It all only happened because I have learned how to accept all of me and live comfortably being me. I now know how to prioritize myself and the ones I care about. I believe being kind does not make you weak, it only makes you and the people around you stronger. And I support my friends in whatever they do and try to shower them with appreciation for their achievements.

This is some kind of a pursuit of happiness that I didn’t realize I had been doing. I can only thank myself for being confident enough to step out of my comfort zone and thank god for letting me have this kind of blessing. I wish a happy new year to all of you who read this and may you find your own pursuit of happiness. Make your peace as your anchor and you shall never feel burdened again. May your 2021 will be showered with love and blessings.

With love,

Dea

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More beautiful than all those things I desired to know is the modest mind that admits its own limitations.

Augustine, Confessions (via philosophybits)

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Naked truth is unbearable to most, and art is our most effective means of overcoming human resistance to truth. The writer has the same role as the surgeon and his handling of anesthesia is as important as his skill with the knife.

Anaïs Nin, On Writing

(via freelance-philosopher)

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Drying flowers on our rarely photographed bookcase

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I see myself forever and ever as the ridiculous person, the lonely soul, the wanderer, the restless frustrated artist, the person in love with love, always in search of the absolute, always seeking the unattainable.

— Henry Miller