cassluvsturn - Tumblr blog

cassluvsturn · 7 months ago

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could you write a blurb on horny reader touching herself in the car, while matt is sitting next to her, driving, and he talks her through it and like instructs her and shit?

(if this is a bad idea please ignore🙈)

Literally not a bad idea at all! I took your idea and spiced it up a bit. 😇 I hope you like what I came up with. 💖

Matt talks you through touching yourself on a long drive...

It had been a long drive. You were several hours in and still had a few more to go, your boyfriend's playlist looping for a third time on the speakers of the car.

You looked over at Matt, who looked incredibly good today. You weren't sure if it was his most recent haircut, maybe his grown out stubble, or maybe the way the veins on his hands really popped when he gripped the steering wheel.

It could have even been the small bumps in the road or the vibrations of the car, drawing your attention to the throbbing between your legs. Either way, you couldn't help the wet spot that was beginning to form on the front of your panties while you studied your boyfriend who looked concentrated - and a bit bored, granted you had been on the same stretch of road for fifty miles now.

He let out a big, long yawn, wrinkling his nose and rubbing his eyes. "You doing alright?" You asked him. "Yeah, just getting tired. You mind talking to me a little bit to keep me awake?" He wondered. "I actually have a better idea to keep you awake," you said, smirking and narrowing your eyes at him as a diabolical plan took form in your mind.

You were horny, and Matt needed something to keep him alert. Why not solve both your problems at once?

"Oh, and what could that be?" Matt flirtatiously asked. He could tell by the tone of your voice that you were about to suggest something naughty. Without saying anything, you unbuckled your seat belt and pulled down your shorts along with your panties. Matt's eyes widened as you took your purple laced thong and hung it from his rearview mirror.

You pulled your makeup mirror out of your purse, propped your leg up on the side of the door, and hooked your arm around your thigh with the mirror in hand to give Matt a look at your wet pussy. "Why don't you do the talking, and I'll do whatever you tell me to?" You asked, grinning over at Matt.

His gaze was locked on the mirror that was reflecting the perfect view of your cunt back at him, and his lips curled into a smile after he wet them. "Spread it open for me, baby," Matt requested, his blue eyes dancing back and forth between the road and what you were showcasing for him, focusing just a bit more on the latter.

You took your two fingers and slowly spread your lips to reveal your intricate folds to him. "Mmm. It's so pretty, baby. Why don't you start rubbing your clit in circles for me?" He cooed, his cock jolting awake at the sight. You took the tips of your fingers and placed them over your bundle of nerves, moving them in a circular motion. You sharply inhaled at the sensation.

"That's my girl. Do it just like that for me," he encouraged you. He loved watching you, and he adored how spontaneous you were when it came to these kinds of things. "Why don't you go a little faster?" He said in a low, sexy voice, getting turned on by the way your pussy drooled onto his seat. You did as he said, drawing tighter circles and biting down on your lip to keep a whimper from sneaking out.

He adjusted the volume dial, turning his playlist into nothing but quiet background noise."C'mon. I know you're not shy. Your panties are hanging from my rearview. Let me hear you," he leaned over, purring into your ear. Your head fell back, and you let out a moan at the way Matt spoke to you while you played with yourself based on his direction.

"Put them inside and fuck yourself with them," Matt smirked at you. You listened obediently, your eyes rolling back into your head as you did. He looked into the reflective surface at how you stretched perfectly around your fingers, coating them with your juices, slowly moving them in and out of your hole.

"Give me a taste, baby," Matt requested, and you pulled your fingers out just long enough for Matt to grab your hand and suck them clean while he looked into your eyes. "Mmm. Good girl. Now keep going," he told you, his glance flicking back over towards the road. You put your digits back in, and when he told you to add one, you did. "Faster," he whispered, admiring you.

He couldn't get enough of the sounds of your playing with yourself, your needy whimpers and the way you squelched around your three fingers as you vigorously pumped them deep into your cunt. "Pretend it's my cock," Matt purred, knowing that's exactly what he was imagining, desperate to watch you cum all over your fingers. You curled them, hitting your sweet spot with every thrust, nearing orgasm while you imagined it was your boyfriend fucking you.

Matt was completely hypnotized by you and the intimate show you were putting on for him. You started to get close, and Matt could read it in the pleasure written on your face. "Come on. Be a good girl and finish all over those fingers for me," Matt cooed, giving you permission to cum.

Your legs started to tremble, your core started to shake, and your pussy throbbed around your fingers. Your urgent moans filled the car, drowning out the soft sound of Matt's playlist coming through the speakers. Matt intently watched, his cock twitching in his jeans as you squirted all over the mirror, splashing some on his seat and coating your hand with your juices.

He couldn't get enough of how hot it was that his girlfriend could squirt, and he loved it anytime you'd show it off.

"Holy shit, that was hot," Matt whispered, taking in the view one last time before shifting his eyes back to the road with a newfound alertness. "Well, I'm awake now."

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cassluvsturn · 7 months ago

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STURNIOLO TUMBLR AWARDS 2024⭐️🏆

presented by yours truly

all dividers by @bernardsbendystraws

hello! welcome to sturniolo tumblr awards 2024!

i thought i would host this because there are so many amazing writers and accounts on here that we should give more recognition to!!

below will be the categories!

please click on the category and write the username of the account you would like to nominate for each category🙏🏻

make sure you respond to all categories and not just one so we can go forward with the voting stage!

-best writer

-best matt writer

-best chris writer

-best nick writer

-best smut writer

-best fluff writer

-best angst writer

-best chris au

-best matt au

-best nick au

you will have until early on sunday the 8th of december to submit your nominations for each category!

please only submit your answer for each category ONCE

once the submissions have been closed i will count how many nominations each account got and the most popular FIVE from each category will continue on to the voting stage! i will post a form on monday the 9th of december and you can then VOTE for who you think should win each category.

please like and reblog so everybody on sturniolo tumblr can see and participate!!

random tags: @bernardsbendystraws @colorthecosmos444 @sturniolosiphone @issysh3ll @muwapsturniolo @soursturniolo @x0x0bunny @snowysosturn @aokay1 @tayabrams13

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cassluvsturn · 7 months ago

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I swear my pants were just on

જ⁀➴ᡣ𐭩 content warning: smut, use of vibrator, degradation, unprotected sex, dumbification, size kink, threesome, dom!matt, dom!chris, sub!reader

જ⁀➴ᡣ𐭩 author's note: this is the second ending i wrote for this fic. enjoy! 🤍

જ⁀➴ᡣ𐭩 summary: chris and matt find a flaw in the bet you made with them, meaning you submit to them.

love potions part two (second ending)

Chris was using your vibrator on you, the same vibrator he'd just found you using on yourself as you laid completely naked downstairs on their couch.

જ⁀➴ᡣ𐭩 Day Fifteen

"I'm tired of you being such a little slut all the time," a shirtless Chris smirked down at you while a shirtless Matt was pinning your wrists above your head.

They had just woken up and come downstairs for breakfast to instead find you, practically begging to be fucked by them both.

You had been getting annoyed at how disciplined the two of them were, ignoring your teasing and not giving into you. It was halfway through No Nut November, and you were doing everything in your power to get into the two boys' heads and make one of them cave on the bet you'd made with them.

"I bet you're both gonna have to go touch yourselves after this, aren't you?" You asked, giving both Matt and Chris a devious smile. You peered down at the way Chris' cock was straining against the cotton fabric of his pants.

"Why would I touch myself when I could just fuck you?" Chris wondered aloud. "Because then you'd lose the bet, and you'd lose No Nut November," you replied between whimpers as the soft buzz of your toy stimulated your clit.

"Well, there's a loophole in the bet you made," Matt replied, tightening his grip on your wrists. "If one of us loses the bet because they fucked you, then the other gets to fuck you after. And so did either of us really lose?" Chris asked, sneering at you.

"I like the way you guys think. Not as dumb as you both look," you responded smugly. "We might both look dumb, but not as dumb as we're about to make you on our cocks," Chris shot back.

Chris turned off the vibrator he held in his hand, tossing it off to the side, and he started to pull down the waistband of his sweats. You watched as his cock sprung out, letting out a gasp at how big it was.

Before you had much more time to react, he was gently running the tip up and down your slick folds. "I knew you wouldn't be able to go a whole month without nutting," you scoffed at his lack of self-control.

"Doesn't matter, sweetheart. I'm still getting what I want," Chris told you as he rested the tip at your entrance and without skipping a beat, he thrust his hips forward, stretching you out as he entered you inch by inch.

You gasped and let out a squeal while you peered up at him wide-eyed. "You love how big it is, don't you?" Chris asked in a sweet voice. You nodded.

"Say it," Chris demanded, dying to hear you compliment the size of his cock. "I love it, Chris. I love how big you are," you whimpered. It had been so long since you'd been properly fucked.

"Take this big dick, you little slut," Chris panted, relishing in the way you gripped around him. He quickly picked up speed, moans pouring from his lips while he plunged his cock into your drooling hole, bucking his hips back and forth and watching the way his member moved in and out of you.

"Fuck," he groaned under his breath, admiring the way his length looked coated in your arousal each time he pulled out before pushing it back in again.

"You like being used by us, don't you?" Matt cooed, running the back of his hand delicately along your flushed cheek. You bit your lip and nodded. "Use your words, princess," Matt softly ordered you. "Yes. I love being used," you whined.

Chris slammed into you over and over, both of them studying the way your tits bounced and admiring the metal jewelery that decorated each of them. Chris reached down and cupped one of your breasts. "So fucking hot," he whispered, running his thumb over your pierced nipple, drawing more pornographic sounds from you as he teased you.

Chris could usually last a long time in bed, but it had been weeks since he'd cum, and it had been weeks of your relentless teasing. He could already feel that familiar feeling in his lower belly quickly building. You could feel the way he throbbed inside of you, begging for relief.

His pretty blue eyes were locked on yours, his expression softening, and the prettiest moans you'd ever heard falling from his full, pink lips. Before he could even make the conscious decision to finish, he was injecting you with his milky, white fluid, his cock twitching as he filled you up.

"Oh my god," he softly whimpered, looking down at the mess he made in your hole. A satisfied smile formed on his fucked out expression as he delivered a few final thrusts, pulling your climax from you as well.

You started to clench around him, your legs shaking, and your eyes rolling back into your head while Matt held you down against the couch, watching the whole scene unfold.

Before you could even recover from the incredible sensation, they were switching spots. Chris' grasp around your wrist was tighter than Matt's had been, and it immediately turned you on again to have him handling you that way.

Matt positioned himself between your legs, pulling out his poor, neglected cock. He wasted no time before he drove his hardness into you, stretching you out once more.

"Oh, fuck," the words passed through your parted lips as Matt rocked his hips back and forth, quickly gaining momentum and chasing sweet release as soon as he entered you.

Matt placed both your legs on his shoulders to gain deeper access, and you both moaned louder as he orchestrated himself further into your pretty pussy. His hands wandered towards your breasts, and he gently squeezed each one.

"You like taking us both, one right after the other, don't you? Fucking slut," Chris smirked down at you. You didn't need to answer. The desperate look on your face said it all.

Matt's cock was extra sensitive after being neglected for so long, and he was already on the tail of his climax after only a few more minutes. His fervent moans filled the room as he peered down at the way he slipped in and out of your drooling slit.

It was too much. He couldn't take it anymore. He started to pulsate inside of you, pumping you full of his seed. His expression was steeped in pleasure, his brows drawn together in an almost-concerned-looking manner, his cheeks flushed and pink, and his jaw hanging slack in awe.

His hooded blue eyes were fixated on your pussy and the way you started rhythmically tightening around him as you finished as well. He studied the mixture of both of your fluids that varnished his pretty cock as he pulled out of you, nearly collapsing from how intense his orgasm felt.

"Fuck," Matt breathlessly whispered, wiping a bead of sweat from his forehead. "We both got to tag team you, and didn't even have to wait until November ended," Chris chuckled, amused with himself for being the one who found the loophole.

You laid beneath them in a puddle of cum and drool after having the sense fucked out of you. You could barely form a thought or a sentence, but you finally mustered up the brain cells to utter the words, "Well played."

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cassluvsturn · 8 months ago

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SLUT 🫵 SLUTTTTT 🫵

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cassluvsturn · 8 months ago

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Holy dickens

SORRY?!?

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cassluvsturn · 8 months ago

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Correct

CHRIS NOTICED HIS HEADBAND TURNS YOU ON.[smut, riding, dirty talk, mdni ]

something was up with you clearly.

at first chris was completely clueless, not noticing how your thighs squeezed every time he came home after training and had that goddamn headband on.

but after some time in a row he noticed that something was wrong and somehow he finally thought that maybe his headband was the reason. so he started wearing it more, even when he wasn't training, just wanting to make sure if he was right and when you'd finally snap.

so at some casual wednesday evening when he once again decided to wear it, you just lost it. chris wasn't actually aware of the effect the headband had on his girl until now.

his cock was constantly hitting your g-spot as you continue bouncing on him on an unholy fast pace. his fingers digging into your hips, definitely making marks that neither of you cared about right now, as he looks down at the way your pussy was sucking him in. "holy shit... you really fuckin' love this, huh?" his tongue clicks against his teeth as he makes eye contact with you again, making you moan in response.

you run your hand through his hair, gripping it and tilting his head back slightly so you'd have a better look on the way his headband was fitting him. "you just— look so hot... oh fuck--" another whine leaves your lips as your hand travels to the back of his neck. your legs starting to grow more and more tired, chris catching the way your body stuttered and he slightly starts guiding you while still holding your hips, "c'mon, ma... y're doin' so good f'me... so fuckin' good..."

his words only make you moan more as you grab onto his shoulders to stabilize a little. your eyes roam all over his face, his flushed cheeks, pink swollen from previous making out session lips, the way his headband wasn't keeping his hair from getting messy. he looked so scrumptious, you'd literally devour him if you could.

"goddamn... wouldn't think it'd have such an effect on ya...-" his words followed by a groan as he feels you squeezing around him. chris was in pure ecstasy, completely hypnotized of you on top of him like this with your mouth wide open and eyebrows knitted together. the pleasure on your face was slowly sending him over the edge. "i fuckin' love the way you feel around me..."

"chris—" you moan out fighting with the urge to close your eyes. you just had to be looking at him, seeing his face and how the headband perfectly held his hair. "i know baby... i know." he almost hisses when you clench around him again. he fucks his cock up into you, still holding your hips tight and rolling them onto him, seeing how your legs started to shake.

"such a good girl...f'me, yeah? riding me like this, doin' great job--- fuckkkk—" his head falls back against the back of the couch as your hips stutter again, "'m sorry, shit-" you mutter breathing heavily, your muscles burning from the constant bouncing, but chris continues thrusting into you and guiding your movements. "it's all good, ma, you doin' perfect on top of me like this...lookin' all fuckin' sexy-- jesus.." he groans, his eyes rolling back for a moment. he was getting lost in pleasure and his control literally slipped away completely as he started bouncing you on him hard, making you struggle to keep your balance and desperately gripping his shoulders, "--oh my.... oh my god, chris—" your walls convulse around him one more time and you moan loudly, not being able to keep your eyes open anymore as you come undone.

"shiiit— that's rightttt...my pretty girl..." your head fall down onto his shoulder as he growls, feeling how you milking him and it sends him over the edge as well, his dick twitches and you feel how warm cum spills into you. "fuckkkk—"

you catch your breath lifting up your head, met with his full of bliss eyes while he slowly guides your hips to stop. "holy fuck..." he licks his lips, brushing your hair out of your face, "y'could've told me sooner this shit turns you on... now at least i know what to wear if i wanna make you cum so hard on me."

a quiet chuckle leaves your lips as you take off his headband and put it on your own head, making chris's grin widen. "yeaaah, that's my girl."

@xaristhings @certifiedstarrr @mattsfavbitchhh @lvrsturniolo @chrislovespepsi @r0s3luvr

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cassluvsturn · 8 months ago

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me 25/8 if u even care :3

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cassluvsturn · 8 months ago

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unpopular opinion i'm getting bored of smut they all sound the same

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cassluvsturn · 8 months ago

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close enough welcome back frat bro chris

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cassluvsturn · 8 months ago

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when he's like this I can't decide whether I want to hug or fuck him

annoyed, moody, tired, stressed, fidgety Chris

damn

⬅️ more

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cassluvsturn · 8 months ago

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Tw..

Dripping snot btw I’m so sad but in love with this

𝒍𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒘𝒆𝒓

⚠︎ mdni, mentions of smut, SA MENTIONS -- NOT MUCH DETAIL, angst, crying, panic attacks, and more…

⤷ Get to reading, sluts. No copying. Ask if you’d like to use this as ‘inspiration.’ Fuck off and fuck me, let’s get horny!!! Not proofread.

matt’s favorite toy, Rose

©bernardsbendystraws

༄ The beginning of the end

There was an obvious shift in everything once it happened. Haunting hands made you sit on the shower floor, desperately trying to feel clean as your skin pruned and softened under the water. Even the warm water never relaxed you like it used to. Little things you used to enjoy were ruined by reminiscent thoughts of every eerie detail of that moment. The moment everything began to end.

You loved your boyfriend, you really did. Matt was like watered-down honey. He made things so sweet, yet easy. His lovingness had poured over your heart like syrup, he made it so easy to love yourself.

But that got stripped away from you. You felt bare under everyone’s gaze now. It’s as if they somehow knew you weren’t as strong as before. Even soft, sympathetic eyes called you weak—and that included his.

It was even hard to look him in the eyes. You felt how sorry he was for you, you felt everybody’s emotions but your own. Reality didn’t seem real. It felt like a nightmare, one you were praying to wake up from and forget. But you stayed awake, exhausted and slumped as you tried to hold onto something—anything.

Matt saw you slip. He was beating himself up so much for not being able to protect you and all he could do was watch your soul fade. There was no help to be given that didn’t hurt you more. No hugs were as comforting anymore, no kisses felt like a distraction. Escaping reality wasn’t possible. You sank into the cold, hard truth and Matt had to watch you drown.

“Do you…can I hug you?” It was an innocent question, a desperate attempt at holding you together on Matt’s end.

You hadn’t connected the dots yet. The ache in your heart and head only remembered how good his embrace felt, how comforting it had always been. Nodding, you lean into his arms as he hugs you tightly.

And then it stops.

It’s almost as if you can hear your heart shatter as you feel your chest tighten with uncertainty. Feelings of anxiety and panic rush through you as you stiffen in his arms. It hurts to be in his arms—it hurts to feel so trapped—so vulnerable, so broken.

But it hurts even worse when you pull yourself back and see his blank face shedding a tear. He’s trying to hold himself together, but it’s no use. There’s nothing he can do for you and there’s nothing you can do for him.

It’s the beginning of the end.

༄ Frozen in fear

It wasn’t even the perpetrator that haunted you the most—it was how you reacted. Grabbing hands and dirty words had made you freeze in place. You stayed stuck and helpless. A ‘no’ didn’t leave your lips. Shock had made you useless, it made you weak. And now—now it made you feel disgusted.

How were you supposed to tell people you just laid there? How were you supposed to feel bad for yourself when you didn’t even put up a fight?

There were overflowing oceans of fear when you first confessed to Matt. He didn’t ask for details, but he knew your hands were free of any bruises or signs of a fight. You felt guilty, you felt disgusting.

If you couldn’t fight for yourself, why couldn’t you at least fight for him?

You didn’t want it, but did Matt know that?

The nights are restless as you both lay in bed. On opposite sides, facing opposite walls. Distance physically shows nothing compared to the emotional disconnect.

Matt's eyes are squinted shut. His eyelashes are crusting together through hot tears, the fat drops silenting pleading with the moon peeping through the curtains to change something—anything. Your stare is trained blankly on the wall, trying to think of anything but how dirty you feel.

Restless, your boyfriend aches to hold you, but he knows better. He wants you to be completely comfortable and ready, he doesn’t care how long it takes.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, Matt wakes up to find himself subconsciously reaching for your body. For a moment, he forgets about everything. Watching your peaceful figure sleep while letting out calm breaths, he can’t help but stay in a hazy daydream. He reaches out, going to hold you in his arms, his heart aching to be closer to yours.

Time freezes as he watches your body flinch away from his touch. You let out a soft, disgruntled noise and he feels rotten for even touching you. It all comes crashing down on him. He turns back on his side, facing towards the wall while broken heaves of air cry from his lips.

Frozen in time, Matt cries quietly until the morning. He doesn’t move when he hears you wake up to go take a shower. His thoughts convince him that maybe he triggered a haunting nightmare that left you feeling unclean since you don’t usually take morning showers. He tries to find some sort of peace in knowing he can’t accidentally roll over and touch you, but there’s no peace to be found. He’s stuck—frozen and paralyzed in fear and regret.

Your body is being caressed by frozen, cold water. The only temperature that makes you at least feel something. Any warmer and it seemed to replicate the heat of someone’s touch and that—that left you nauseous. Your fingers scratch into your skin as you scold yourself.

If only you had moved, maybe this could have been different.

Fear had frozen your body and now it had frozen your heart. No sympathy lingered for yourself. There’s a heaping fountain of regret flooding your system as you replay the events, but there’s also mountains of fear. You were scared to say how you laid frozen. You were scared to admit it out loud, to have it really be true. But, you were also scared of his reaction. If you confirmed it—would he think as lowly of you as you did for yourself?

You didn’t understand why. You loved him, but why couldn’t you love him enough to try and stop it?

“Well, what happened?” Your friend meant it as an innocent question, but you didn’t know how to respond. There was a lingering resentment that seemed to grow each passing day. Mold spread on unclean skin—your skin.

“I–uh, I just…I just froze, I—I don’t know,” you rush out, feeling interrogated despite her soft tone.

Her eyebrows furrow as she cocks her head to the side. “Oh, like—you froze? I…I mean, I can understand that. That sounds…rough. Have you told Matt yet?” she asks.

Shaking your head from side to side with shameful eyes staring down into your lap. It’s almost as if she’s asking if you’ve confessed to cheating on him. Your stomach knots into sickeing twists.

“I, uh—no. I…how am I supposed to tell him that? I mean, I just…froze in fear, but…I…” your words are unsure and as jumbled as your mind.

Your friend admits she’s unsure. You wonder what she means and if it’s directed at the fact she doesn’t know how you say it or how you admit it without breaking his heart. But it’s too late to change the past. It’s too late to even feel any different.

You’re still frozen in fear.

༄ Worn and rusted

The way you talk to each other isn’t the same. Endless conversations disappear. Nights are quiet with a lingering whisper of insecurity and doubt. You can feel the distance, but now you can taste it. A metallic flavor of rust and blood as you painfully bite into your cheek, holding back words that won’t escape in a solid sentence.

Matt drives you to therapy in silence. Long car rides to and from, but he doesn’t care. He just wants you to be okay, he just wants to hug you without feeling like he’s hurting you.

Acts of service had always been important for him to show his love, but now they were all he had left. He couldn’t hold you, he couldn’t talk to you without both of you fading into a guilty silence, and he couldn’t bare to give you a gift when you stared at it with lifeless eyes, wishing the candy brought you as much joy as it used to.

Waiting patiently outside, he already had your favorite music playing with your seat heater on. He notices your bloodshot eyes and soft sniffles as you climb back into the car. “How…how was it? Are you okay? Can I…can I do anything to help? We could go get some ice cream at that one—”

“I—just take me home. I…I can’t. Not now,” you say.

His lip quivers as he holds his breath. Your words are truthful, you can’t handle anymore emotions, but that doesn’t mean they don’t hurt. Silence is somehow louder than the music playing the car as he drives you both home.

There’s nothing he can do and there’s nothing you are able to give. You both watch the once shiny wheels halt with rusted screws, stripping them further as you ignore the screaming warning to do something—anything.

Worn down, there’s nothing left to give.

༄ Dull knives

It was hard to break skin with dull blades. That described how Matt felt watching your slip further and deeper away from him. No matter how hard he tried to talk, his words didn’t penetrate anything. They rested on the surface of your skin that had grown unbearably thick, so thick it felt like it didn’t sit right over your bones.

“Talk to me. Please. I…I’m here for you. Let me be here for you. Just, please,” Begging on his knees in front of you, he lets streams of hopelessness slide down his cheeks and onto your lap and he holds onto your hands tightly.

It’s almost as if he’s praying. He doesn’t care who hears it, he just needs someone to listen. Looking into your eyes, he’s cussing out any gods eavesdropping that are watching the scene play. Your boyfriend had never been the type of man to go to church, but you had noticed how he had become so desperate for any hope. He had even asked his mother, a proud christian woman, to pray for you at church. He was desperate as much as he was lost.

You look down at him with sad eyes, sinking further back into your mind. “I…I’m trying, Matt. I just, I don’t know how to get better, I—I swear, I’m trying,” you proclaim, your voice wavering with insecurity and a menacing gloom of self loathing pity.

He regrets asking the question entirely, but he can’t help himself but crumble and sob into your lap as your hands lay still on top of his head. There’s part of him that wants to scream, letting out his utter frustration to the world for being so unfair, so cruel. Part of you was taken away and it wouldn’t return. All of you had fallen into a pit of sickening mounds of dry bones while you reached new sorts of deadly lows.

There wasn’t much hope left. You clung onto the dull knife, praying your skin would somehow become immune overnight—or at least it wouldn’t hurt so bad anymore. The same thoughts, the same fears, the same regrets. A sharp knife would at least be quick, but this—this was painful. It was slow, it was unforgiving and relentless. The same emotions and flashbacks had you curled in a ball and heaving for air like a child having a tantrum.

And all he could do was watch.

He stared at your moving, yet lifeless body. Now, he held his own dull knife. A similar worn blade that he clutched so tightly it made him bleed and bruise. He was waiting for you. You couldn’t suffer alone, your hearts were too intertwined for that to even be a choice.

It felt like centuries. Dull knives, clutched so hard for so long, but never truly cut all the way through. At times, the two of you squeezed tighter, hoping that maybe there might be a relief in truly being dismembered and broken.

The blades were too dull. It felt like a curse and a blessing, but only time would really expose which was the truth. You both had to sit, holding on tightly, hoping and praying that infection wouldn't kill you both.

༄ Let’s be alone together

Months. Long, extenuating, draining months. So much time, yet such little progress. Matt had grown to feel useless and alone, watching you drown in your own dry tears. You kept pushing him out, and he rolled with the waves of emotions until he couldn’t.

“Please, just…let me stay, baby. I—I wanna stay with you. I’ll be quiet, I won’t touch you, I—fuck, don’t lock me out,” he chokes out between shaky breaths. Your bedroom door had a lock, but it wasn’t what he was referring to. He was exhausted and beyond famished. Your pushing had knocked him over and he needed you to get back up.

You closed the bedroom door with him inside, curling into a ball on the bed as he sat and leaned against the headboard. He watched you sob and claw into your own skin. His heart shattered. The shaking fingers twiddled in his lap helplessly as he endured your torture. He drowned in your tears with you, promising himself that this was progress.

You needed to be alone. Somehow, it felt like you were alone. Even being next to each other in such silence.

At least you were alone together.

༄ Stumbling steps

Matt continued lingering around your huddled body while you seeped into sadness. He let it break his heart over and over again. His body laid still, unmoving as he was just there for you.

Soft sheets and blankets divided you two. He had his eyes winced shut, holding back his own tears while focusing on your broken sobs.

As he felt your figure hesitantly hug around him, his eyes shot wide open. All strength for holding it together crumbled as you clutched onto him tightly. Something had changed, paralyzed time had moved somehow. The dull knife had butchered your skin so dearly, that the scarred skin rejected slicing open.

“Baby?” he whispers, hesitantly putting his hands to pet over your hair while your body shakes. “I….are you sure?” he asks.

You pull him even tighter. The broken cries and sniffles mix with your words. “I—hold me, please. It—” You’re left broken and wordless as he pulls you completely into his chest.

Adjusting, you let his arms swing your body as he holds you as close as possible. He’s practically rocking you like a baby, and you can’t help but let your baby steps rush into a full sprint.

“I got you, I…I got you,” he soothes, petting the back of your head as his own tears cloud his vision.

Letting go, you give him everything. The flood of emotions and tired anger is relieved with your limp figure collapsing into his hold. Trust invades every inch of your body. Space and time of his actions and love had given your mind more assurance to the point where your heart believed it finally.

“You…you’re so strong, sweetheart. Baby steps, let it all out,” he voices.

Baby steps. The small motions that fled your body with a nostalgic comfort left you stumbling over your feet, crying and screaming in his arms, but it was okay. Your heart finally lets you relax—it finally let you crumble completely.

༄ Light showers

Seeing hope, the smallest glimpse at the end of the tunnel had been the clue. You held it like a worn piece of paper, delicately grasping it in a firm hold. Nights got more talkative, they got warmer. Hesitantly, distance was closed and forgotten.

“I don’t care how your body made you react, I know you, I know you didn’t deserve any of this and—and I know we’ll always have each other,”

The same words, assured time after time. His voice practically manifested for you, calming your thoughts to think more logically.

People froze. Whether it was watching someone they loved fade from life or going to war and seeing the brutal field of blood and anguish, people froze. You couldn’t help that something so terrible and so cruel had forced you to react in such a way. The only thing you could do was believe him since he believed you.

“You don’t have to convince me, sweetheart. There’s no part of me that doubts your loyalty because of how you were able to cope,”

Screams and sobs fell quieter. It all faded into a welded patch of skin—a scar. Soft cries and hushed whimpers even started to become gentle laughs as his body held onto yours tightly, cuddling you into a peaceful sleep that let your body gain energy to truly recover, to truly heal.

Rainy days sometimes start in a tsunami. Memories are like weapons and sometimes you can’t help but remember that dull knife sawing into you. But, Matt is like watered-down honey. He lathers the sticky, natural remedy before wrapping you in bandages and hugging you tightly.

Your boyfriend is just there. He still waits outside in the car when you go to therapy, but now he takes you to go get the ice cream after and he plays the music a little louder while holding your hand on the console. There’s mountains of blankets piled on top of your mingled bodies through the night as you hold each other tightly. Showers are warmer. They’re also not so lonely. He washes your body the same as he always had. Delicate hands rub suds into your skin, cleansing you with care and love. You don’t just see the light at the end of the tunnel, you feel it with every cleansing hand and whisper.

He is your light shower.

A/N: Thank you for reading and I hope this healed something for you as much as it did for me! Please contact any hotlines if you are ever struggling. I've even personally used the text hotline countless times and it's always been a constant tool i've been able to use.

🤎🤎🤎🤎

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