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[cat5mith]

Just a bit of writing

ԑ¥ᴈ

Aggravated, Sam sat down to his computer. His science teacher had not provided enough time to complete his project. He had three days left until the assignment was due, and he hadn’t completed collecting the project data that was required in the project guidelines. He stuck his slender, six fingered hands into the cavity of his desk reserved for the process of typing and added some notes to the file he had created specifically for this project. He added to the file deftly, letter by letter. Each of his twelve fingers could move up of down to add one of the twenty four letters that existed in his alphabet. After typing a few brief paragraphs his concentration was rudely broken and he changed the object of his attention to his best friend’s shouts.

“Hey, Sam!” Dan shouted up to Sam’s bedroom window from the littered ground two stories below. “You gonna come to school with me, or you gonna be late again due to that project of yours? Seems that’s all you think about now a days. Jenny’s getting jealous.”

“You’d be smart to spend some of your own time on the project rather than just hanging out with Jenny… Three. Days. My grades are going to soar like Jenny, whilst you’ll be on the ground like a little kid who hasn’t even learned to use their wings correctly yet.”

“Hey. I’ve got my contraption all set, although I still think we should collaborate. We could go down in history, like those people who gave us wings.”

“You just want an ‘A’. Besides, I’d rather not be affiliated with those bozos who gave us wings.”

“Who wouldn’t want to get an ‘A’? And… besides… we’re better than those wing-dings, our project could bring good, not foolishness.”

“Good point, but, regardless, I’m keeping my project to myself,” Sam took a last look at his project like a mother would look at her two-year-old, with an odd kind of loving and wondering if it would survive the day without him. He certainly hoped that the inhabitants of his project wouldn’t attempt any space travel while he was gone. The twenty-first century can really get to you. Getting a vague feeling from deep down that nothing catastrophic would happen in his absence, he leaped out the window and glided gracefully to the grassy ground outside his house thanks to his red, feathery wings.

“Finally. Took you long enough.”

“Would you rather have me have had taken the stairs?”

“I think we’ll make it on time today,” Dan said, looking optimistically at the school building in the distance, and the two took off running as the first bell rang. Luckily, they stepped into the classroom just before the warning bell announced the beginning of class. Ms. Lee started roll call, then started lecturing.

“I’d like to remind you how little time you have until your projects are due. I’d also like to remind you that the best project in the class will go on to the state science fair, and then might go on to the national level, bringing honor to our town and school.”

Sam’s watch couldn’t tick fast enough; he was urgent to get home and figure out how to get the data that would complete his project. He was the first to his feet when the last bell rang, and as soon as he was out the door he broke into a running start to fly home.

“You’re panting,” was Jenny’s greeting when Sam finally reached his home. “Did you fly all the way home? Are you crazy? Leave the flying to us birds.”

“I’m not crazy,” Sam sat at his computer and looked over his creation. “I prefer ‘passionate’. I’m running out of time to figure out the importance of this project. I probably should have done that before I built it.” He looked at the spinning green and blue orb that was lying on his floor in a fish tank for a moment before turning his attention back to his blue-feathered friend who was now standing in the window. Jenny’s feet were similar to his hands, but with only eight digits (three fingers and a thumb on each leg). Her eyes reminded Sam vaguely of a puppy’s; big and brown with long, dramatic eyelashes.

“Regardless, leave the flying to birds. Remind me why you hominids have wings in the first place again.”

“It was a vague desire, I guess,” Sam stopped typing and turned back to the bird that was still perched in his window.

“Desire?”

“Well, we know nothing for certain, but we think that somebody decided that they wanted some other features than what they had. Wings, for example, and some people think we didn’t always have twelve fingers, although I can’t think of any reason you’d want more fingers…”

“Wait. Wait. You’re telling me that you can change yourself just by deciding that you want to? You know… I’ve been wishing lately that I had an umbrella coming out of my head.”

“It’s now illegal, but there were these two people a long time ago – I mean... more years than I can count on my fingers – wrote a computer program on a primitive computer to change themselves. I can’t imagine what it’s like to never have flown. Regardless… they ended up getting married and having kids. All the kids had the same traits as their parents – mostly taking to the skies like the birds of the time. But, after a while the kids started having their own kids without wings and things like that the abilities started to deteriorate. That’s why it’s illegal now. Our wings are more of a burden than anything.”

“Well, it’s a good thing that us birds stayed the way we were.”

“Actually…” 

“I don’t want to hear it.”

ԑ¥ᴈ

“Cutting it kinda close, huh, Amy?” Chris was putting up the appearance of being angry to keep her shy and doing what he wanted, but really he was relieved. He couldn’t tell his friends that he cared, but he didn’t want to have to explain everything that happened on the field trip so she could help with the joint assignment the two of them had to complete within the week. They wouldn’t have enough time working together, so he would have to convince her to do the project on her own and give him half the credit. 

Across the parking lot Amy was also inwardly glad, hearing that Chris was thinking of her. Maybe this project would be different and she wouldn’t be expected to complete the entire project alone. 

The bus drove up and parked for a while in front of the school while some of the kids filled on and others mingled around outside. Amy parked herself in the third row of seats on the left side. She preferred being on the side of any vehicle behind the driver for a reason she couldn’t pinpoint. After the rest of the cows were corralled onto the bus she opened her backpack, which was relatively empty due to the field trip. She lifted a thick, green notebook out, and her lunch as well. Her thin spiral bound notebook labeled ‘School Notes vol. 13.3’ looked lonely as the only occupant, so she took her breakfast out of the lunch bag and placed the lunch back inside the messenger-style bag. She quickly spooned her yogurt into her waiting mouth before shoving the forbidden food back into her bag before anyone saw. She wasn’t fast enough.

“Sheep? Breaking rules? Am I seeing things right?”

“Didn’t have time for breakfast at home. My sister woke up early and had her shower before me. When I heard the shower running I made the unfortunate decision to stay in bed. After I took my shower I ran for the bus, but missed it and had to have my dad drive me.”

“That’s too bad. Yeah, well, anyway… we’ve got a week to do this project and I’m busy for the next week and I was thinking…”

Amy had heard it all too often. She pushed the green notebook off her lap and put her legs underneath her in a way that showed her knobby knees from under her plaid pleated skirt and made her appear three inches taller. “You were thinking? That surprises me. I am in fact busy too this week. Maybe you should use some of that brain power you wanted to use to exploit me for helping with the project!” She hadn’t spoken angrily toward another classmate in a long time. In fact, she had said more words since getting onto the bus and conversing with Chris than she normally said collectively in an entire day. 

Both Chris and Amy were thinking as fast as possible. Amy wondered; if she choose her words right maybe she would lose the nickname “Sheep”, while Chris for once tried to figure out how they could both contribute to the project, although he still wanted Amy to do most of the work. He looked at her notebooks she always had with her, and was struck with what he saw as a brilliant idea.

“A newspaper…” he was excited, but kept a low enough volume to not be noticed talking to Amy voluntarily about anything other than getting out of the project. He explained how he was great with computers and that if she did all the writing he would put the articles she wrote together into a newspaper. Amy was also good with computers, but help was help, and she appreciated that. Chris returned to his friends.

Amy opened her green notebook and flipped through the pages until she reached the page she had filled the previous night. 

The school bus was chaos, where a war of crumpled paper had broken loose despite the teacher’s futile pleading. Sara got hit in the head with a rather hard and heavy projectile. She turned to Parrot, who was perched on the back of the seat ahead of her.

“Can you grab hat rock that just happens to be lying there for me?” 

The strangest thing happened. Parrot’s feet turned to hands as she reached for the rock…

The scene went on, but she closed the book rather loudly. It was her diary (per se), but of things she had imagined that hadn’t happened yet. Every night she wrote about the perfect tomorrow, what she wished and expected to happen. She wanted to call it Great Expectations, but that title was already taken. “Expectations” would have to and had sufficed.

The boy sitting behind her, Nick,’s ears perked up. “What was that noise?”

This kid was annoying to the umpteenth degree. He was the kind of kid she tried to stay away from. On the other hand, everybody was the kind of kid she tried to stay away from. She turned to her tried and true method of avoidance, pretending to be busy. She started drawing a picture in her school notebook, a boy with brown hair and eyes, and, of all things, red wings. 

ԑ¥ᴈ

Sam was nervous. Pacing even. The one tiny detail he had left out was the one that would ruin his entire project, and his prospects of going on in the science fair competition. Yeah, he’d created an entire planet, Earth, and he had evidence that pre-transformation humans inhabited the place, but what was the point? He laid himself down on the floor, trying to remember what exactly had been the point of the project. He was staring through the glass of his bedroom window, and as he screamed “How can I talk to these humans?!?” Dan stepped into his room. 

“I know how you can talk to the humans,” Dan announced. “You still against collaborating?”

“What good would collaborating do? You just built something that looks like a teleporter from those books our parents used to read us when we were little.”

“You’re right about that,” Dan smirked as Sam glanced at him warily. “I built a teleporter, and if you and I go to your planet you designed…”

“Earth.”

“Yes. Well, we go there, and you talk to these pre-transformation humans and you have your project made.”

“Wait… so, I created a planet, and you created teleportation? Together we’ll make history!” They ran to Sam’s window and jumped out, gliding across the alley to Dan’s room next door. Sam had brought Earth, and Dan was setting up the teleporter. Jenny flew past the window to find some of her bird friends. 

Sam and Dan stood in front of the teleporter, as Dan counted down. “Three. Two. One.”

ԑ¥ᴈ

Nick took off his glasses, wiped them clean, and put them back on. It was useless. He must have really seen it, and there was no denying that Amy had disappeared. “Where’d Amy go?” he asked another girl, tugging on her arm like a little kid. 

“Who?” the girl asked, looking around for Amy. “Oh, yeah. Sheep. Your ‘girlfriend’?”

“I DO NOT like her. Besides, her name isn’t Sheep, it’s Amy. Sheep is a degrading nickname that hurts her self esteem.”

“Yep. Whatever you say. I don’t see her, though,” Nick heard his name uttered under her breath. Well, it was either that or “ick.”

Chris looked from where he was standing, wondering where Amy had gone. There was Nick. Weren’t Nick and Amy going out? Regardless, he always seemed to know where she was.

“Ya’ seen Amy around?” He was getting closer but wanted to keep as far away as possible. Rumor had it that Nick had a crazy disease and it was catching. 

“Why does everybody think I know everything there is to know about Amy?”

ԑ¥ᴈ

After a bright flash of light, Chris ended up in a strange place. Amy was in a corner curled into a ball, there was an elaborate machine in the center of the room, and there were two hominids staring at them. He couldn’t decide if they were human or not, but their wings were pretty cool. 

“Something’s wrong with your machine,” slipped out of Sam’s mouth, although the statement could have gone unsaid.

“Chris,” Amy’s voice wavered a bit. “Someone hit me on the head? Am I dreaming?”

“Dan! She’s right! We’re all dreaming, and if I just pinch you on your wing…”

“OUCH! MY WING!”

“Ok then… I guess we’re not dreaming. My teleportator worked backwards.

“Ooh. Teleportation. Just like in a sci-fi novel. Awesome,” Amy did a double take and looked at her toes. “Is this sci-fi?”

“Nah. It’s real life… at least for us.”

Amy looked at the spinning orb lying on the floor. “Wait… is that Earth?”

“Yes.”

ԑ¥ᴈ

After explanations of the inner workings of the machine, Amy and Chris went back  home using the teleporter, and became close friends. There’s an odd bond you get when you’ve been off the planet to a strange alternate universe where people have twelve fingers and wings. Once home, they finished their project together, and then started messing around with Chris’s computer. Remembering Dan and Sam, but not having heard the story about why we shouldn’t control evolution, they gave themselves wings and (just for the hell of it) six fingers on each hand. They ended up having children together, who passed on the odd genes. 

The rest is history.

[cat5mith]

I’ve been tied to the fridge, and guys are coming by to sneak a kiss and get more beer. Several guys suggested to my boyfriend that he should come get in on this, but he keeps saying it’s ok, I can do whatever. My friend comes over, starts rubbing his hands in my hair and whispers, “Can I take you into the bedroom?” He unties me, and the guys all yell “Oooooh!” as we lock ourselves in the host’s bedroom. He whispers to me that he’s drunk and can’t consent, and he knows I can’t either right now. “So we will cuddle and kiss, but our clothes will stay on.” His hands running up and down my body, my tongue exploring the whole insides of his mouth. Someone in the kitchen says, “Anyone seen Sean and Cat lately?” and he laughs and whispers in my ear, “They think we’re fucking in here. They will never understand.”

[cat5mith]

Most everyone else is on the porch, just the three of us sitting on the couch in the living room. He comes over and sits next to me, rubbing his fingers through my hair. “I would do it, you know. I would do it with you right now if only he wasn’t here. I know if we did it he would get jealous.” I nustle my face between his shoulder and his ear, and say, “It will happen someday. If not now, someday.” The other guy gets up and goes to the bathroom, and he takes me by the wrist and leads me into my bedroom. “This is only going to happen this once, ok? Never again.” I nod my head, and he slaps me across the face. “Speak to me, bitch.” He finds the rope that I had left on my desk, and ties me to my bed. He duct tapes my mouth, and tells me that since I can’t say a safe word, to tap him three times if I need him to stop. “They call you a slut, you know? But you’re just a little bitch who knows what she wants, and if what you want is the entire fucking city, why are they blaming you for that?” His clothes stayed on, but I was left naked, still tied to my bedpost. He left the room and told James to come untie me.

[cat5mith]

I’ve had two beers, and I’m quite a bit tipsy. The room is spinning around me and I look over to him trying to focus on him and not fall flat on my face. He stares back at me and sticks out his tongue playfully. I try to stick out mine but it isn’t coming out of my mouth correctly. He reaches over, picks up a cherry from someone else’s discarded drink. He dangles the cherry in front of me, I take it in my mouth and savor the tartness and the way it feels. He puts the stem in his own mouth, and ties it into a knot. I sigh and stare at him longer, and he picks up my tipsy body and pulls me into the corner, where he sticks his tongue into my mouth and rubs his fingers through my hair. I moan slightly.

[cat5mith]

We step out of his car, I head butt his shoulder with my forehead, smile breaking out across my face. It’s been raining for a few days, but it has stopped within the last few hours, thankfully. He turns around and looks in every direction as far as he can see. It’s 9 at night so it should be pretty dark but the fog around us is lighting up the area. I try to assure him that it will be ok, that no one is coming. “What position would you like, my Cat?” he rubs his fingers through my hair. “Missionary.” “That’s my little masochist.” I lay my jacket on the damp gravel, lick his dick on my way down to the ground. I take off my pants and lie on the ground, my hair getting tangled in the small rocks paving the road. He comes down and enters me, hands on the edge of my jacket. I meep, moan, and scream, as we gyrate together and he grunts. I gasp as we both finish and he gets up. I see the dents from the gravel on his palms, and I shake my head to get the dirt out of my hair. “I guess this is what quarantine fornication is, huh?”

[cat5mith]

When they were signing me onto the psych ward the woman looked at me and said “You’re here to get help not find a replacement for your idiot boyfriend. No funny business with the guys here. You hear me?” Within 15 seconds I’m walking down the hall and he catches my eye. I can’t hear what he says at first because I have both earbuds in, but I slide one out and say “What?” He’s just like “Damn girl gimme some of that.”

He and I ended up becoming kinda friends, watching tv on my cell phone with one earbud each, and the whole time that mean lady walking by and tsking her tongue but we were placed so there was an inch between us on the chair. She couldn’t see that we were playing footsie. I warned him from the beginning that knowing me was a bad idea, that he shouldn’t get attached to me cause I’d inevitably hurt him. But he continued following me around like a lovesick puppy. There was one day that we evaluated the entire unit and discovered a place where none of the cameras could watch (paranoid schizophrenics are good at that kind of stuff so together it wasn’t too hard) and we stole a quick kiss while no other patients could see either.

He was lucky enough to have day passes, so he went out and bought us some weed. He packed me a bowl and I hid in the bathroom and took a few hits. He begged me to apply for a day pass so we could go out and have sex, but I wasn’t able to qualify till my discharge date.

He took a pass about an hour after I got discharged, and came and we finally French kissed passionately in the parking lot, while I flipped off the guard who couldn’t do much at this point. We walked hand in hand to the 7-11 nearby and bought a pack of condoms. We jumped a fence as it started raining and we couldn’t handle the lust anymore, so we ripped off our clothes in a random backyard and before I knew it he was inside me and I was screaming. The rain started freezing on our bare skin and we reluctantly put our clothes back on. I walked him back to the hospital, kissed him goodbye, and that was the last contact I ever had with him.

[cat5mith]

Snow falling softly onto the ground around us, he takes my hand and leads the way. We take turn after turn and I silently pray that he will be able to get me back to my home, because I certainly have no idea where I’m heading at this point. Finally we are on the railroad tracks under a bridge, and he throws me against the wall of the bridge, holding me with just his one hand across my neck. He’s using his other hand to take off my clothes, when we hear another voice nearby. “Damn, man, take it off! Take it off her! Give us a show!” He turns around, letting my half clothed body drop to the ground and I hastily try to at least get my boobs covered. I think he ended up pulling a knife on the guy, but the situation diffused and we changed venues to a nearby park. He positions me over the railing and takes me doggy style till I can’t scream anymore. He helps me put my clothes back on and says, “I’m heading home, keep walking that way and you’ll get back to Main Street.

[cat5mith]

He taught me how to bum cigarettes.

Not that I smoked or anything

In fact I am and was very against cigarettes

But I couldn’t always afford a pack for him

So I learned to go up to a guy who had a pack on him

Lean in close, batt my eyelashes

And say, “You got an extra smoke?”

And he taught me to light it up as I walked away and giggle a little.

He taught me how to hit a bowl.

And told me that if the guys at the parties thought I was cute enough they would invite me to other parties and smoke me up there.

Again, I was taught how much I could get from guys if I turned on the flirt.

He taught me about drinking alcohol

And he taught me that when we couldn’t afford alcohol we could mix NyQuil and Sprite

And there were nights and parties where that was what we drank

He taught me how many edibles I could safely eat in one night, but when I exceeded that and was crying in the corner he was no where to be found

He taught me about the male body

He showed me his dick and took my hand in his and showed me how to properly please a man

He taught me how to please him with my mouth

He tied me up and had his way with me, and then taught me what it felt like to fall asleep with the ropes still on

He taught me how to find guys on Craigslist

He prepared me for a date with a stranger I had never met

But even after everything I learned from him....

I learned much more by leaving.

[cat5mith]

Fall in love with someone you can be vulnerable with. 💓

[cat5mith]

Lying in my bed curled up in a ball. There are thing s to do three feet away, chores I should complete, people who I should reach out to and talk to, but I can’t leave this bed. I’m starting to get cold, maybe I should get up and turn on the heat a bit, but I can’t even move to do that. I could crochet or sew but no. I could go grab my tablet and watch a comedy on Netflix, but I don’t have the energy to do that either. No, I’m just cuddled under the blankets, and will be for the immediate future.

[cat5mith]

I had always been there for her, always wanted what was best for her and multiple times tried to get her out of what I saw was an abusive situation. I said I would help her find a place, help her physically move out, because I cared about her and wanted her safe. But she would always just complain about how bad her life was but never do anything to change it. She stayed with the guy who didn’t love her, no sex just sharing a bed and shouting at each other a lot.

I remember the night she tried to kill herself by jumping out of a car on the highway while he was driving her home from work. And tears in her eyes as she shouted at him that she just wanted to go to bed. I was next to the fridge shaking while my bf shouted at her and all I had to say was “You fucked up.” I remember when we would go for walks together and shout about the brothers we were dating and how they were assholes and how we wanted to leave but couldn’t.

When I finally had to leave, I couldn’t take it anymore I couldn’t tell anyone including her, because she might tell one of them and foil my plans, and I was afraid one of them would hurt me. I was terrified of those two guys. When I was on my way to go out to dinner with my friends who had rescued me, my phone was ringing and it was her number. She asked if I had stayed late at work or something, why wasn’t I home? I told her what I had told my now ex, that I had left and wasn’t coming back. She started crying, asking me why I would leave her there with them. I said, “I was sick of being abused. So I left. And I really think that you should too. Please do.” And hung up the phone.

When I blocked them all I left her as a friend on Facebook. So she could see I was still alive. And so she could contact me if she wanted to. And a month and a half later she did. We talked a little about the fact I was alive. And she told me that she still didn’t want to be there, that she understood why I left and that she wished she could but she had no money and no where to go. I told her I had $4 and was homeless when I left, and that she could if she wanted to bad enough. She asked if I was still homeless. At this point I’m wondering if her bf is over her shoulder and if he’s looking for me again or if he never stopped.

The thing is, if she would be willing to leave him behind completely, if she was never going back and we could disappear and she would be ok with him not knowing where we were ever again, I would look for an apartment with her, we could live together. But I’m not the kind of person who would say I’ll only be there for you if you leave him.

[cat5mith]

I first met Mike when I was in high school. At a time when I was first coming to terms with what being an adult with mental illness and an adult who is a voice hearer means. At a time when my classmates would joke and point and laugh and call me “schizo.” Mike was the first person I befriended at the RLC, as he was running the Voice Hearer’s Support group. In that beginning I remember finally beginning to get a grasp on what it means to have a different reality than those around you. Mike also ran the training the first time I attended the RLC’s peer facilitator training. And he was there to support me when I had graduated college and was ready to come back to the RLC and was ready to come live in the real world.

Mike was always like the cool dad to myself and the other younger peers. When we had a crazy idea we wanted to try to pull off but knew that the other staff would say no, we would ask him. And we accomplished some pretty crazy things. I remember convincing him to take his hair from his pony tail and hold a wooden staff and say “Thou shawl not pass.” I remember him running drum circles and us just running around the room banging on things. I remember him sitting us down and explaining the lyrics of “Only the Good Die Young” after one of us chose it for a karaoke song.

I remember calling him one night while really manic to talk about my new idea for a company that should exist, and I remember that he didn’t shoot down my idea, he spent months helping me draft the community expectations for our very own startup, Tapas. We even had one event that he and I were the only ones who attended, a photo walk at Elm Park.

I remember the night I had a seizure in my living room at midnight. And I remember texting him terrified and him asking me to go to the ER, but he was the first one I reached out to, the first one I asked for help.

I remember emailing him and saying that I was applying at the Bridge, and asking him if he would be a reference. He said absolutely, and that he also works for the Bridge and that I would be a wonderful asset for them. I remember timidly going into the office for my first paycheck and hearing his laughing voice behind me asking, “Didn’t they tell you that your first month you work for free?” And he sat with me for a bit and helped me decompress from my first two weeks at the job.

I remember when he had to come to my place of work a few times because we had a client in common, and how happy I was every time he would come because his energy was just so positive, and I remember being proud that he was working in this field and helping so many people. I remember when he texted me and told me he had applied for the same promotion that I had, and I remember sitting my boss down and explaining to her that she was under no circumstances to hire me, that she needed to hire Mike.

I remember when neither of us got that job but we both got different promotions, and he swung by the house I worked at one night to make photo copies and we got to check in again. I remember when my biological parents were out of the country when it was my first time on call and I texted him that I had handled my first call and I was proud, and that I just wanted an important adult in my life to know.

I’m trying not to remember when he told me he wasn’t doing well, and he explained everything that had happened over the phone. And I remember crying that night. I remember the last time I saw him, when I was at the laundromat and he came up to me with that same nonchalant tone as when he had told me I wouldn’t be getting paid. And I remember he let me complain about my job. I will always remember the candle I lit on the night he passed, to connect with him through the flames as I do.

I miss you Mike, forever in our hearts.

[cat5mith]

[cat5mith]

[cat5mith]

He told me that he was going to die soon. That his asthma or his high blood pressure was going to take him away from me. So we’d better get pregnant soon so I can continue his blood line but that I might have to raise our child alone, because again he’s dying.

I didn’t realize at the time that it’s not normal for you to fantize about your fiancé dying. That it’s not normal to be sad that when you wake up next to him that he’s still breathing.

He told me every day how much he hated me. He always told me that he wanted to kill me. That way I could be free of the frustrations I feel, and he can get away from his asshole sister because when they find out that he murdered me he will definitely go to jail. Every time he slapped my face and said “I want to kill you so bad right now,” I would make myself bigger like a wolf puffing out her fur and look him in the eye and say, “Please do.” I handed him my belt and helped him put it around my neck. “Come on. Tighten it. Right now. Right now. Kill me now.” Or I would come over with a knife and place it in his hand, and show him the artery in my arm. “You can do it. Now.” He never did kill me though, he never went through with it. He would just slap me across the face again and call me a dumb bitch and go play his video games.

So it looks like he’s not dying yet and he’s not willing to kill me.... So I need to take things into my own hands. I grabbed my bottle of trazodone, a sleeping medication I don’t take anymore but that I still have about 1000mg of in this bottle. Seconds or minutes before I put the bottle to my lips, I get a text from my friend begging me to leave my abusive fiancé. And reminding me that he is abusing me. I put the bottle away, but that was the most recent night I almost died.

[cat5mith]

Just slightly drunk

Booze or tears flowing through veins

Let me forget all

[cat5mith]

I think it’s valid and kinda normal that at some points I question if leaving was really the right thing to do. Am I really happier being alone at night, crying myself to sleep sometimes, sitting alone on the couch watching TV in the dark.

But then I remember. My ex has always not been in the best health, physically or mentally. He has had asthma all his life and part of him being born 2 months prematurely his lung collapsed at birth. Whenever he was in pain it was the end of the world. He had hemroids sometimes, thought he had cancer because of a boil on his tailbone. He sat me down one night and told me he was dying. When? “I don’t know, wife, but I don’t think I’m going to live to thirty. We need to get you pregnant soon so you can have our children, because I really think I’m going to die soon.”

That’s when I started fantasizie about him dying. It would be so wonderful when he is dead and I can go be happy and see my mom whenever I want without being shamed for not being home. I can eat whatever I want. I can save some money!

So today I realize that I now have all those things I was fantasizing about, without having to deal with him dying. Even though he is dead to me.