catharsiswhenneeded-blog - Tumblr blog

[catharsiswhenneeded-blog]

Here we go again!

Made a new "friend" yesterday. I was really proud of myself! I'd kept sex out of the conversation leading up to this meeting, he seems like a really great guy. Conversation is always easy via text and for the first time since my divorce it was even easier in person.

He's attractive, almost exactly my type. Has a big personality, the kind that draws you in, y'know? Everything was going so well, moves were made and things escalated, as they do between consenting adults, and even that was better than anticipated. And the cuddling after was soooo needed. So what went wrong?

FUCK IF I KNOW

Apparently I was just what he needed. If it weren't for me, he wouldn't have the confidence to pursue some other woman. I'm all for explore and enjoy, and honesty is obviously awesome, BUT C'MON!!!

I'm starting to feel like Chicken Soup for the Damaged Man's Soul. Not a good enough book to carry with you for your commute, but something comforting that you pick up when you need a little boost of positivity.

What. In the actual. Fuck. Why me?

[catharsiswhenneeded-blog]

So, I guess I'm starting this to let out my emotions when I feel like nobody is there to listen.

Granted, I highly doubt anybody will read this blog. BUT it's a start, it's anonymous(ish), and it's a way to openly talk about how I feel and my post-divorce emotions.

Is there a limit on text posts? Guess we'll find out.

I think the best way to approach this for today is to work backwards. It will probably be disjointed and nonsensical, but so am I.

Today I feel: Sad. Used. Forgotten. Unloved. Worthless. Empty. A whole host of other words all synonymous to some degree with "melancholy."

Was he right? Will no one ever love me again? Am I hard to love? Do people look at me and see sex-negative epithets written across my forehead?

I'm human. I have needs. After a nearly sexless marriage where the goal was always to please him (because I was just too much work), I went a little crazy. I did the things (and guys) that I should have done in my early 20s. I was making up for lost time, right? I deserved this after being miserable for almost 10 years. I should be allowed to live my life in a way that makes me happy.

And hooooo boy, did I live it up. The first 3 months were INSANE. I'd never felt so wanted. See? Other men DO want me. Other men DON'T care about my scarred past. The choices I made when I was young weren't being thrown in my face as if they made me "less than." In fact, being honest led to some of my best encounters because it was "hot" that I was so open about my experiences.

However, over a year later, the shiny has finally worn off. I've fallen into a comfortable routine. I still enjoy myself, but I'm infinitely more selective now. I have few to whom I entrust my needs and that works fairly well. It holds the loneliness at bay and is mutually beneficial.

But I need more. My body and mind crave intimacy. I crave somebody to talk to at the end of a long day. Someone to hold me when I hurt, and that I can comfort when they struggle. A man that will offer ways to fix my problems, even when I'm only venting. Someone to cook for, and with. My one and only.

I miss inside jokes. I miss the little touches and light laughter that come from being comfortable with one another. I miss the knowing looks from across the grocery store aisle and how we both know we're silently judging the same person.

I'm tired of first dates that go nowhere. I'm tired of being hopeful. I'm tired of feeling awkward when meeting someone for the first time, then being on our "best behavior" while we judge each other's public personas. I'm not the same in private. I'm witty, sarcastic, a bit ditzy, funny, touchy-feely, compassionate, empathetic, kind-hearted and fiercely loyal - but you don't get to see those things on a first date over coffee. All you see are the table manners and polite conversation topics that were drilled into my head as a child.

When I do occasionally find someone in the same boat as myself, searching for a partnership, I realize how many toxic traits I've been trained to think of as "normal." It's not normal to ferociously accuse a man of lying when he has been nothing but upfront and honest, even to his own detriment (especially when your "evidence" is poorly investigated bull that you dug up and made into a story because you thought the whole thing was too good to be true). After 10 years of being treated the same way, it's what I know. That's obviously no excuse, but I didn't even recognize this in myself until it was too late. I'm correcting it now, but I'll never be able to replace the potential that was there. For what it's worth, if you ever read this - I am truly sorry, J. You deserve so much better than what I have to offer.

After a divorce everyone tells you to work on loving yourself. I loved myself enough to leave a bad situation. I've loved myself enough to allow myself to make mistakes and learn from them. I've dated myself for the past year, trying to be cognizant of my mental health and making time for me. I love me. I know now that I am strong. I am capable of doing this on my own. I can survive without a husband to support me. I've learned more about myself in the past 15 months than I knew from the previous 30 years combined. I know me. I love me & who I've become. I am proud to be me.

But I am lonely.