catsandnotes - Tumblr blog

[catsandnotes]

It's my 5 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[catsandnotes]

Feb 14, 2024

Hey hey,

It's Valentine's day, and I know we usually don't say anything (other than that weird call once) I still miss you. Maybe you moved on, I don't want to know. I was recently... Accused and blamed for and sucked into family drama. All I could think of is you consoling me, hugging me tight to give me a shoulder. I sometimes wish you could come back and give me hugs everyday as my husband. We could live a carefree life without worrying about family and negative people. But that's impossible. And life doesn't do that to us. I'm glad to be single, but that doesn't mean I don't think about you fondly.

I recently talked about you in passing with a colleague. I think that helped solidify that you're something in the past, and you won't come back to me anymore. Not that we would be the perfect couple, maybe we won't be. But it made it easier on my mind to accept you as someone from the past. It's difficult as hell. I still miss your hugs and kisses. You were so sweet to me. And I'm sorry I wasn't to you.

[catsandnotes]

Jan 4, 2024

I haven't written about/to you in a long time, but I've been thinking about you a lot again and wanted to write.

A mutual friend went on your Snapchat and saw that you're still updating it, you're graduating in 2026, assuming that's for your masters degree. I wish I was there to celebrate with you, I really do. I miss us talking about our futures, even though we never planned to be together in our future.

I told our friend that I looked on your WhatsApp and found that your "last seen" was not indicated... I wonder why you would shut that off? Is it because you changed to a different account? You don't want people with your Toronto number to know where you are? She mentioned that she has asked our high school classmates if they had kept contact with you, but they all did not. I wonder why you would just disappear? You did that once with one friend group, why would you ghost another friend group? Just because we live in a different city? I can't help but feel offended and at a loss. Do you even remember us? Did you cherish the time we had together? Do you still remember me?

I would be heartbroken to know if you found someone else, but I also know that it's expected after so long... I wouldn't want to know. I'm still sheltered in my own home, regretting why I did not move abroad for university.

Not much today, just missing the one that I knew 4 years ago. I would happily hug and kiss the one I knew, the one the got away, the one who came at the wrong time, the one I took for granted.

[catsandnotes]

Not sure if this is supposed to be a compliment or a sad thing

[catsandnotes]

Fuck you tumblr your stupid unremovable poll made me have to copy and paste each paragraph separately onto a notes app and a certain beginning of the sentence was fucking deleted what a dumb app.

September 11-12, 2023

Complaints:

There was a job (there were 2 jobs total where I couldn't take because I accepted a previous 3rd one) that had asked for references, and it was one I already planned to reject to knowing it wasn't one I was very much interested in nor did I want to waste time chnging a reference. The witch told me to provide one anyway and 2 weeks later, when I gave an update, this witch pretends she heard it incorrectly, thinking I was referring to the other (of which I preferred more). I am then accused of being a bad communicator when in fact the bitch didn't listen properly. I just don't understand. I should've listened to my gut, just line I should've in providing personal information in an email that wasn't asking for it yet.

Later this bitch is defaming my friend of her beliefs. I don't necessarily agree nor understand all of it either but as long as she isn't in harm, I don't see the issue. Not including the fact that it's not my decisions nor my life that is affected. "Why is she becoming like this", well in fact she has been pretty religious long ago. I don't have a lot of friends to begin with, so as long as no harm is done between us, I'm not going to be so picky, especially when we've helped each other in tough times.

[catsandnotes]

#literallymenow #imstillyoung

[catsandnotes]

It's all gone

#hopeless #ihopelifegetsbetter #idonthaveanyfreedom

[catsandnotes]

29-30/07/23

I feel oppressed in what is supposed to be my home

The reason I keep these entries was a way for me to let out my anger that the witch has bestowed upon me. I am supposed to be grateful for all the hate she harbours for me, because getting mad at one means they still care about them. But now, it is a reminder for all the emotional and mental abuse I've had to endure for the entirety of my life. Thinking everything is fine, but looking back at these will make me understand how much I'm keeping within.

A trip to Orlando has been planned for the bitch and I. I didn't necessarily want to go but I also thought it would be nice to go anyway. I've been responsible for planning the activities. I've searched for some and was ready to present them in order to discuss itinerary. Every time was not a good time to bring it up. Either it is to be discussed later or I am berated for not preparing enough. About 2 weeks before our departure, I asked if we should buy the activity tickets, only to be berated on how I was supposed to have brought up planning when she had asked me for it for 2 months. This is such a hypocrisy. What irony. She then decided that it would be a good idea to listen to what I have planned, after more yelling on how it wasn't the right time, then accusing me for not saying anything during the "right time" (I means sure, doing chores would be a good time, but I can't tell if that bitch thinks so).

Currently, it is 1 week before departure, and I have been yelled at for being useless, not worthy of what I'm learning for my masters degree, questioning my professor's abilities to grade me, and apparently being irresponsible because I didn't write down her timeline that she had proposed (no, there wasn't a complete timeline, but only a list of what we can do and what should be backup choices). But at least the entire scheduling has been fixed and all I have to do final detail checks. Within all that, she questions how I'm disorganized and distrusts me using my phone or laptop as note takers (I am disorganized but I know where my things are, or I have to make things load in order to show the full picture). Fine, pen and paper is the only option I'm yelled at to do, and proceeded get a GOOSE (good on one side) paper upstairs, to only get yelled more on how she made the house convenient by putting paper on the floor we were on (I'm sure if I chose that paper would yell at me for making poor choices by choosing a tinier sized paper). And now, this bitch doesn't trust me to write general bullet points, but that I have to write every single thing that comes out of her mouth "knowing that I wouldn't he able to remember". My neck feels painful from all my depressed head falls trying to avoid her gaze.

I've decided, when I earn enough money, I will move out. Whether it's renting an apartment or buying a down payment for home. I'm done being berated at and being a target punching back for all that she has to take in for her ridiculous family. I feel ashamed to be associated with them, and I feel stuck to be here with them, especially the bitch herself.

[catsandnotes]

Stuck at home

12/Jun/23 I've been berated everyday for miniscule things. Today, I'm accused of being a liar simply because this witch believed we always ate Korean melons without seeds, when in fact it was her who looked online and saw that the seeds were healthy, and thus we ate them with seeds under her discretion. I cut up the melon tonight and clearly remember keeping the seeds. I am only blamed because she did not like the answer she heard. She is exactly the same as my maternal grandfather, only she complains that he only listens to his word and gets frustrated when he hears others correct his forgetfulness. She claims that her uncle says she was born from a rock, meaning she doesn't have any traits related to our family. But I can see from the sidelines, she is exactly like them, only presented differently.

I can't wait to finish my degree and get a good paying job. I wonder if I should stay and buy my own place here once I earn enough money (but that would take several more years) or move to a new country to be away from it all. I can't live like this anymore. People at 23 years old have jobs, a social life, they travelled with friends without suspicion, they're dating... I just want to have the freedom to make those choices. I can't even walk with my friend at 7:30pm around our neighbourhood knowing she would find a way to berate me. I feel exhausted...

[catsandnotes]

25 posts!

[catsandnotes]

25 posts!

[catsandnotes]

Follow us @studentlifeproblems​

[catsandnotes]

It's my 4 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[catsandnotes]

I know my mother hates me and deeps down wants to hurt me in the guise of giving the best to me (will edition)

I am extremely grateful that I have lived a privileged life: I had extracurriculars, tutoring, university tuition paid for and having a roof and food throughout until today without paying rent or being pressured to move out. This came with a big sacrifice: no sense of social intelligence, having very little friends, and not having the freedom to do what I want; not even allowed to go outside my house to throw the garbage unless under strict supervision in fear that something will happen to me.

In fact, a major regret I have was that I didn't move out for university like so many people had done, and they thrived and lived life, whereas I am still scared of not coming home under the implied "correct" time and walking on eggshells. I sometimes wish I could exchange some of my priveleges for freedom... I feel like a bird stuck in a cage for over 2 decades with little hope of getting out until many decades later.

My mother made me write a will... Not because I'm ill or that there is immenent danger against me and my assets, but rather to create a copy for my protection and so that I only need to update it whenever I need in the future. Sounds like a great plan, right? Instead, because of my lack of social relations and protective environment, I know absolutely no one. No one to be there for me after my death (my family is not trustworthy), nor do I want to scare the friends I trust with the fact that I have a will, on top of the fact that they themselves have major family issues to be responsible for if anything happens to them.

I misunderstood a note that she had written on my draft, and has instead decided to discredit me and imply that I am a liar by simple misunderstanding. That I made a bad decision because of how I misunderstood the note when in realty, that decision was something I crossed out long ago. I never wanted to make a will this early, but she pressured me into making one and is now angry that I haven't completed it after putting it on hold for at least a year. I don't even have many assets, just the regular assets a regular, middle-class university student would have. I don't have property, expensive assets, family secrets, or special wishes to make. What's the point of pressuring me to make a will other than to deeply wish me to my death?

I struggle to speak and think under her wrath. I can never be a normal person who reacts normally. Instead I freeze, I stutter, mutter, my brain is a mess. I am accused of things I am not for my entire life. I had been compared to the failure that my father is (her thoughts, but I can understand them). I am a failure, and have been made to think of myself as that. I have no aspirations because they would all be killed off by this woman. She has destroyed my hope for pursuing dreams, talking about my life, expressing myself, even simple things like my favourite shows. I'm deeply afraid that I will lose something if I don't listen to her every step. I know she won't let me survive out in the streets, but social outcasting and mental control is something she excels at and ensures it is enforced if I don't listen.

I wish I don't have a will to make. I don't and shouldn't be thinking about this now. I should be thinking about school, finding a career, hanging out with friends (even though I have none). I wish I could relive my childhood again with the knowledge I have now. At least if this bitch decides to be rude and disrespectful to me, I can at least have an escape to my interests, my work and school, and more friends to rely on.

[catsandnotes]

It's my 4 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Yayyyy

[catsandnotes]

I hated and still hate university.

[catsandnotes]

If I can free myself soon, I will be able to start this process

“I’m in the process of becoming a better version of myself.”

— Unknown