cattstarr

[cattstarr]

Interestingly... for the past few weeks, I began seeing the direction I wanna take Catt in, in her post-Flickie world. Before he died, my plans for her was that she'd be such a badass "Pneuma" (Summoner) that her neglecting her affinity for "Void" (time) magic wouldn't really crop up. She comes to terms with her past trauma, so she doesn't crave the power to undo her life.

Flickie's death pushes her into the Void power so fiercely, she becomes obsessed with turning back time. A la Homura with Madoka as well as Ultimecia frrom FF8. I'm not making a profit off of my fucking art, so I don't give a shit how derivative it is. It's how I deal with the weird shit in my head. That's all it's ever been, and that's all it'll ever be.

[cattstarr]

I don't know why I'm still hopeful... He's not coming back. The universe will not bend to my will. But every day, I still have hope that he will come back. And that we can continue our love story. I am still here. The cats are still here. My photos are still here. Why can't he still be here? It doesn't make sense. So... I pine away, hoping he will return to me.

[cattstarr]

My relationship with my husband was the best part about being me. I felt safe, secure, cared for and never questioned if he loved me.

Even on our worst nights, I knew he loved me. Those nights stemmed from mental illness. We always forgave each other because it didn't matter.

I didn't have to be pretty or thin. He loved me as I am. He thought I was beautiful no matter how messy and sloppy I was feeling. I never did dress up or wear makeup. He was messy and sloppy too. And we felt so beautiful together. And we were beautiful together.

All his free time was spent with me. All we did was try to make each other laugh.

He was my biggest fan. He felt offended when I neglected to show him my art. He wanted to see everything. I never appreciated that about him until he died. The little things... Heh.

[cattstarr]

Bratty Sub Borderline Gamer Kitty Wife

Moody af

Easily frightened

Cries a lot

Possessive

Needy

Obsessive

Can't wait to be near you

Loves you a lot but it comes out in weird ways

Loves to laugh

Temper tantrums

Funny

Understands you better than you do

Needs music

Candy

Pot

Beer

Kind to animals

Hates to admit she likes something you showed her

Guilt

Shame

She needs her counterpart.

[cattstarr]

Soft Dom Gamer Bunny Husband

Only focused on you

Wants to be near you at all times

Cares about your feelings

A bit sensitive

Great with animals

Encourages your hobbies

Can't wait to spend time with you

Loves to play games with you

Drinks heavily

Depressed, but you make him happy

Always tells you he loves you

Moody

Grumpy

Loves pot

Never pressures for sex

Never gives up on you

Loves you at your worst

Kind to everyone

Incredibly silly

Always makes you laugh, especially when you're sad

Miss you, Flickie. You were everything I wanted, and then some. My perfect match.

[cattstarr]

There was never any expectations. We were free to be sloppy and ugly. The beauty we had didn't come from how well we groomed ourselves or worked out. It came from the time spent together laughing. The only time we were truly free to be ourselves, our most authentic selves, was when we were alone.

I will never have that freeing feeling as long as I live. His death took that from me.

[cattstarr]

I never needed anything. Everything I could think to ask for was nicely wrapped up inside my husband. My small piece of the universe I could keep all to myself. I didn't have to share him. He didn't want to be shared. All of his free time and undivided attention was endlessly mine.

Everything I was interested in, he wanted part of it. He wanted to spend as much time as possible with me. Whatever that meant in the moment.

He took care of my heart, my mind and my soul. Every tear I shed mattered to him. His only goal in life was to make me smile. He just wanted to be by me.

We'd joke about how codependent we were on each other. How we never ran out of shit to talk about.

I loved how kind to the cats he was. I mean, he picked them out... But he was just as good to them as I am. He always matched my energy.

He was goofy and generous. Silly and sweet. And despite his own issues, he took care of me.

I want my piece of the universe back. My cats need their Daddy. I need my husband.

[cattstarr]

It is my hope that after I transcend life, I find my place with Flickie. Maybe in this form I've drawn here.

They represent our love. One cannot exist without the other. They need each other to be happy, to thrive. And that's how I feel about Flickie. And that's when I realized I have to go.

I will try for my cat. I will. Flickie would want me to. But I'm uncomfortable all the time. I can't grieve the way I want to. I'm cramped. And I've been robbed of Flickie. Life doesn't want me here. I don't know who I pissed off in my past life, but they're definitely upset with me.

I just hope I can go home.

[cattstarr]

Well. Truth is, I'm not getting enough out of life anymore. Everything I'm being taught in therapy and from loved ones is that I'm too demanding of this world and I have to learn to be ok for myself.

I don't want to. I want my old life. I want it so bad. I want it more every day. I can't change that.

Bass will live the rest of his life with me. He already lost his daddy. But by the time he goes, so will I. I think Cookie and Shadow will be ok with my mom. I think the rest of the humans who care about me will understand. Life is not worth living without Flickie. And I'm tired of clinging to small patches of lessened pain as evidence that it might be ok for me in the end.

If I disappear one day, you all have been warned. I don't really think I'll have the headspace for a formal goodbye once I have enough balls to do myself in.

But honestly, I need more than life is willing to offer me. No one can save me from myself. Flickie was the only hero I had. And I never noticed.

[cattstarr]

Bounced back to this real quick before the dizziness set in from my cold or whatever the hell is wrong with me. I guess this is how furries grieve or something... idk.

[cattstarr]

I had this dream that deity of love Flickie had eyes on his ears and could perceive things with them, even if his normal attention span was elsewhere. The information obtained would creep to the surface later. Alternatively, he can see your Truth and determine if you're actually worthy of true love. Doesn't mean a lover will be provided, but you'll know if you're good enough for one... *eventually*. In their universe, a soul can exist many lifetimes before their mission is complete... for whatever reason, they weren't able to do so in a previous life, so they're reborn anew.

Flickie carved out his own purpose, unintentionally. Or was it his purpose to love her?

[cattstarr]

Buddy the Werewolf

Commission for my friend @minidigidestined

[cattstarr]

I had deactivated my old PayPal because it was tethered to Flickie and I was worried about fraud. My new one is solely in my name now. https://www.paypal.me/cattofthestarrs

Associated email:

crystalrthompson@gmail.com

[cattstarr]

My diary came. It's so helpful. I wrote in if but I lost my train of thought earlier. That's fine I filled up 3 pages. I'm gonna buy a few more because the design is very important to me.

It's bunny and moon themed. So... I write to him in it. Better than doing it on FB Messenger.

I'm so sick and lonely for him. I feel so strange.

I keep looking at our past selves cuz what else do I have and prior to 2019 sometimes it feels like different dimensions of us.

Each cluster of time in my past with him. Some traits remain and others change. Like looking into alternative universes.

I need him in every universe.

Every single one.

[cattstarr]

My bunny was 1:1 smooth and kind. He would do anything if he thought it would make me happy.

"Happy wife; happy life" works both ways. That's only half the experience. Unless you're both women, of course. 😼

But my real point is that you both have to be happy.

Do me a solid. When you see that person that sings to your soul next, tell them what you love most about them. Props if it's something obscure that they don't think many people notice or care about.

I loved his goofy stoner laugh when he thought something was unreasonably funny. I loved his big blue innocent eyes, and how honest they were. Most of all, I loved watching him care about people.

[cattstarr]

I purchased his permanent urn and his death certificate. Idk when either will get to me.

The urn will be engraved. So once they etch in what I asked for and it ships, it'll be 7-10 business days from there. But for all I know, it'll probably be a month.

I have his remains in a Ziploc bag. Which is stressing me out. I have a small fraction in a small urn the size of a salt shaker, which I will give to our best friend after I take it to Flickie's last Guardian's game. That's on the 5th. I will sprinkle a little bit of his ashes at Heritage Plaza, loiter for a few innings and leave when my hip hurts too much.

I also got a Diary specifically for talking to him. For now, I've been sending him DMs on FB about my life since he died. But when I get the Diary, that will stop. It'll feel more real I guess.

That's what I struggle with the most. Feeling real. The pain sucks and not being able to have him give me whatever I want and need is outrageously depressing but the derealization shit is too much. I wish I could just be sad.

[cattstarr]

Some oc memes about my relationship again.

When I say this relationship was perfect, I don't mean we were without flaws. He and I were mentally ill and when we fought, we went hard.

What made it perfect was the effort we put into it. The effort we put into fixing our internal hells so we could be each other's Heaven.

So... Everything was fixed as soon as it could be.

There were no secrets. No pettiness. We didn't fight about anything important. Hell, one of our jumping off points was about who ate all the hash browns.

My husband demanded everyone be the best version of themselves. But if you didn't, he just didn't respect you. And if he didn't respect you, it just meant he didn't want to associate with you. He wasn't gonna hurt you or berate you. There's no dignity in that.