cbrnqueen-blog

[cbrnqueen-blog]

me when I re-read my own writing

[cbrnqueen-blog]

Nothing More

Love is not a feeling.

Love is a chemical.

There is such a thing as too much.

 Love is when you feel the need to touch something, feel something, have something.

 A burning ache inside your heart whenever you think about the one you love. 

You want to cry because you are so overwhelmed with joy.

Your heart throbs but it feels so good you never want it to stop.

The electrifying sensation you feel when they touch you.

You just want to hold them or to be held by them.

The shivers that go down your spine when they tell you they love you.

It is addicting.

You feel it.

But do they?

 Love is desire.

Passion.

Pain.

Heartache.

Anger.

Regret.

Hate.

Toxic.

Love is often a one way street.

[cbrnqueen-blog]

Bad Decisions Make Great Stories

Dear Cat summer 2019,

          I know long distance relationships never work out. I only know that because I remember how it went down. You ignored everything that people told you. You thought it would be different for you guys. Obviously it wasn’t. The distance isn’t what ruined it for you, you always knew he was no good. You ignored all the signs; him going behind your back to talk to his ex, then punching a brick wall and breaking his hand over you leaving his football game with friends- after seeing the messages. Let’s not forget him needing your passwords to all your social media accounts. Along with much more degrading and dehumanizing actions taken by Timothy himself. You gave him everything you could just to make him happy and got absolutely nothing but disrespect in return. Seeing you once a month wasn't good enough for him, nothing ever was. You believed almost everything that he had told you even if it didn’t feel right. I know that after a few months after moving to Maine and the serious fighting began, his threats started. And I know that as time went on, the threats got worse, going as far as threatening to beat you, to hurt your friends and family, even threatening to beat your nine year old brother. All because he believed whatever he wanted to believe and there was nothing you could do or say to change his mind. Timothy did not care. He didn’t care about you or how you felt. You tried to express how you felt and he turned it around and started to talk about his own problems, which weren’t really his problems, they were his sister’s or his friend’s, and he would talk over you like your feelings meant nothing. He was controlling, conceited, and selfish. He made you cry everyday without feeling any remorse whatsoever. He broke up with you almost every other week and you took him back immediately, no matter how bad the situation and no matter how many names he called you. You always took him back because you loved him and you still had hope, while he did not. I regret all the choices I made for him. I should’ve acknowledged the red flags before it was too late.

I still love him.

                                                                Sincerely,

                                                                       Cat 2020