ccluat

[ccluat]

SOLANGE

IN SERVICE TO WHOM (2023)

PHOTO BY IBRAHIM HASAN

[ccluat]

[ccluat]

[ccluat]

[ccluat]

SOᑌᒪ ᗪITᕼEᖇ 900x717 pixels, 52 frames, 5.52 MB teia.art/objkt/745620

[ccluat]

Rainbow Snake Seen In Florida’s Ocala National Forest For First Time Since 1969 Farancia erytrogramma (rainbow snake)

[ccluat]

[ccluat]

I had to stop myself from looking at a knife for too long. 3 seconds tops and I turned off the faucet in the kitchen. I know, it was my father's old switch-blade they'd turned into a vegetable slicer, but it still looked sharp. I wanted to feel the sharp ends with my fingers. Maybe test it against my wrists. But I'd left the kitchen and back to my room to bask in the redundant emptiness I've felt for the past, what, three weeks?

A week feels like a month to me. That's the stuff of pure idleness. Days go by very fast and yet very slow. It is as though I am thudding through quicksand, or something. Walking through magnetic water. Sticky magnetic water.

As time moves in it's cryptic pace, I want nothing more than to escape the welting confines of my mind. Say, an activity. Something to do to while away time. Something I actually enjoy. No, not writing. I've had writer's block for what feels like a whole year. And no, not reading. I cannot focus on a page long enough to grasp it's content. I used to enjoy these things. They used to occupy me. But the fog that has been occupying my brain seems keen on floating around for a little while, leaving me useless.

I leave it. I don't try to chase it away. That could leave me with thunderous migraines designed to egg me to take my own life.

So I try listening to music, and when music isn't enough, edibles. My poison of choice. It's great. It's like the gateway to actually feeling things. I feel more when I'm high. More alive, more happy. A little sluggish, but nonetheless, groovy. I feel more like the base pattern of Kids with Guns by the Gorillaz. I feel everything. It feels good.

But my supplier of this gateway to feeling had to temporarily pull the plug so he could study for our exams. Ugh. The consistency just isn't there, anymore. Since when did drug dealers care about exams?

And believe me, I've asked around. Tried to replace my old plug with someone more keen on potentially ruining my future for a couple Azikiwe's. Come to think of it, he'd said yes, but never called me back to pick up the stash. Maybe he thought I was joking. Maybe I had to crawl and beg, banging at his wooden door all twitch and dilated pupils.

We are friends after all and he always has a stash under his bed. Wait no, I think it's by his shoe box? Something like that. I saw him pull some out during one of our sessions.

Anyways, I'm left with nothing but pain, pain, pain - wait for it, more pain and idleness in my father's house.

Before I got back home, I'd made plans with a boy. James and I were going to hangout in magic land (my idea) and then make out somewhere (his idea). We'd always talk about it, and I'd plan what I was going to wear, how far I'd let him go and how many times we'd meet.

And although over the phone it was always flirtatious, never really serious, more friendly, I meant it. I assume he did too. Otherwise why would he decide ignoring me now is the best thing to do after I'd flaked on him before we could even pick a date before police academy whisks him away and he's back to...that life. No more smoking everyday for him and driving late at night. Until next year. No Christmas breaks, either.

Oh, God. Realizing now what I've done he should probably block me for wasting his time and leading him on up to nothing.

But can you blame me? Am I also supposed to beg him, dilated pupils, all twitch and desperation for him to be intentional with me? Am I? Okay, fuck, he'd actually said we should "link" but I got scared and then four days later I said something about wanting to ghost him. Part of that stemmed from the fact that I didn't want to seem like I'm throwing myself at him. Or that I'm bothering him. Is it possible that you could catch these vibes through text?

Anyways, it's complicated. I'd fucked up with James. Its what I do.

I have no one to fall back on. Not Francis who is in love with me and treats me like an alien. He can't even talk to me. It's cute. But I want someone more intentional. Someone who would tell he wants me.. oh James...

Anyways, no boys for me. No edibles for me. No activity to keep me from slashing my wrists with my father's old switch-blade out of boredom. It's just me in my room with writer's block and an impeding migraine.

Go figure.

[ccluat]

Debbie Harry, Fab 5 Freddy, Grandmaster Flash & Chris Stein. NYC Legends.