just a dumb, lonely girl typing down her dumb, lonely feelings
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lonely 4 life
decided to go on incognito mode with my socials because of personal issues. all my life i was always the friends that everyone tend to ignore and not acknowledged. it hurt a lot growing up but i decided that i was enough for myself so i grew more confident. it was good.. i mean it still is. i learned i don’t need anyone’s validation or acknowledgement to know that i’m a cool, beautiful girl. sometimes though.. sometimes it really gets to me still. i know it is dumb for me to think that i am unloved because i know i have great people who support me. it just my past still gets to me. sometimes moments where i feel like second or last place or just i am not anyone's favorite can trigger that as well. i always felt second place.. last place too.. but there is one thing that gets to me the most and it is that i always felt undesirable from men. from a young girl to a adult woman of 22, i could probably count on one hand all the times a man has shown any attraction towards me. and only one person tried to ask me out if i am not mistaken and that person is my best friend who i do not like that in that way. so my love life has truly sucked. i always pushed those thoughts away at first thinking “oh i don’t need anyone to make me happy!” then high school came. i tried really hard to get myself out there freshmen year but it never worked. i was too shy and no one was ever interested in me. all the guys i liked in high school were either just someone i stared hardcore at in classes or someone i liked but friends ended up with them somehow someway. towards the end of my high school years, i truly began my “i don’t need anyone nor will look for anyone” and i was actually good at it. i mean don’t get me wrong. i downloaded multiple dating app several times but i can’t find myself a guy i connected with to actually meet in person or i simply forget to go back on there.
after the several failed attempts of online dating, i tell myself “oh whatever i’ll definitely meet someone in person. maybe in school or a club. who knows?” but nope. never once was i approached. it doesn’t bother at the time. but i would be lying if it does bother at certain times.. and when it does, it bothers me a lot. do you know how it feels to not be wanted or desired even once? like fuck only once was i actually liked by a boy but the boy was my friend. and i could tell you only once in my goddamn life i was complimented by a boy when i was 15 and i cherished that compliment so much. even to this day. i feel so silly when i think that the lack of attention from men hurt me but it does. it hurts when all my friends get compliments, get asked to dance, get guys to buy them drinks, they approached to dance, they have men drooling over them, they buy them food, they simply get attention and i never once got any of that attention. do not get me wrong. i am not jealous over my friends. i am only jealous of the attention they receive. i feel awkward when they speak that this guy did this and this other did that and i have nothing to compare or relate to that. i feel almost embarrassed to even tell them that i never been kissed. i mean how could i if i never put myself out there and no one never comes to me? i always had a small hope before going out that i could meet someone. or that this year i would meet someone but nope. not even someone who showed any interest in me. i feel like this hurt and insecurity increases every year that i get older and i have no one. this hurts even more because many of my friends are getting married or getting into serious relationships. it really hurts when we try to hang and plans but we are all couples. i just wish i could meet someone. it doesn’t even have to be serious. just someone to introduce me to love. i am not asking for a soul mate, no. just some good companionship really. someone to talk to. someone to hang with and we could do all the plans i’ve been wanting to do forever because none of my friends want to do them. someone who would drive me for once. someone i can take to parties. someone i can bring as my plus one for both family and friend events so i am not lonely or awkward. someone who could show me that it means to be wanted and loved. because i know i could be a good person for them too.
i think i just need to distance myself to regain my confidence again and remind myself that i am indeed a cool, beautiful. so what if i am unwanted? those guys are missing out on a great lady if i say so myself! i think i need to be comfortable with myself again. once this social distancing shit is gone and its safe for me to go out, i am taking myself out on a date. only i know how to treat myself and that is all that matters. i shall treat myself to the best pedicure and manicure where ill leave with shoes and nails, go to a cool coffee shop ive been wanting to go to, and maybe even go to the movies. yes i just need a reminder of how much i love myself and no matter what i felt in the past is nothing compared to my self love now.
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