cecenduduts

[cecenduduts]

missing japan

[cecenduduts]

for those who always gives their best and feels every problem was their burden suddenly being distant and appear didn't care no more, i wish you all the peace of mind for the path now you choose because apparantly no one care for you.

if it's not your problem then it's not your job to solve it, everybody seems do it that way.

[cecenduduts]

"kamu baik banget"

"kamu pantes dapet semua kebaikan yang ada di muka bumi"

am i?

am i good enough till someone said that to me?

if i deserved all of that, why am i hurting at night and cried until it was impossible to shed the tear?

contemplating about my identity as a person because i could only be nice to other people, never to my family, never to myself. i have no idea where is this rage come from, this resentment. but again, some unconditionally love comes from others, they comfort me.

[cecenduduts]

pernah jadi lagu favorit di 2019, sampe beneran sakit banget hati ini. sampe nonton konsernya dan sejak itu ga dengerin lagi karena capek nangis. at that moment, lagu ini menyentil hati dengan cerita yg berbeda.

hari ini, karena nonton vindes jadi denger lagi.

hatiku......

remuk lagi.

bukan sedih menggebu seperti 2019, tp sedih yang nyata, sedekat denyut nadi. semua momen bersama ayah terputar ulang.

di hari terakhir di mana semua kata tidak ada artinya lagi, hanya bisa menggenggam tangan kanan papa, elus-elus biar hangat, ga bisa ngomong apa-apa lagi. but just so you know, pap, that was how i said i love you. i hope you felt it.

genggaman terakhir itu, bikin tangan papa masih hangat sampai nafas terakhir. cuma itu yang bisa aku kasi, pa. maaf aku amat sangat kurang, maaf belum bisa bikin papa bangga, maaf aku terlambat dewasa. semoga kita bertemu lagi dalam keadaan bahagia.

[cecenduduts]

since my dad gone, i never fully recover.

that hole will never heal, it's gonna be fresh and bleeding till forever i guess.

[cecenduduts]

2022

full of ups and downs, cried a lot.

at one point almost got caught by the dark.

but hey, here i am.

[cecenduduts]

for lover who hesitates

it is better to be hurt rather than to regret

because the embrace i'm rushing towards is warm

then, when night comes

i place a bookmark on the night that will become memorable

and open it up without anyone knowing

[cecenduduts]

"birds of same feather flock together"

so choose your flock carefully.

[cecenduduts]

new lobby, new life

[cecenduduts]

I know that there's something wrong with me, but i never thought i got this label. Well, at least i know what went wrong, what caused it, and turns out it was never my personality all along. Not that what i've done till now was right, i was wrong so many times. Now i feel i successfully wasted 7yrs with the wrong circle, it was not me..

Oh how i wish i could turn back the time and being more neutral towards everything, maybe today i'm not sitting alone in a cafe crying over the diagnosis, the friends, the situation.

[cecenduduts]

i hope that no one will have to get through this shit.

feeling lost, depressed, unloved, abandoned. it ruins you.

[cecenduduts]

Embracing Thirty

Day after day spent by figuring out "what is life", "am I happy", "what is my purpose here"? We live only once, hence living in a rush, at the back of my head there's this little me keep saying that i'm left behind. Here i am, almost 30 and felt nothing's new in my life. The cliche list was getting married, having kids, pursuing carreer or academic, and i'm in a coffee shop with empty bank accounts having none of the above.

Personally, i feel like i'm doing nothing. But last night i learned that one of my so-called-bestfriend felt that i'm too much for her. That i was acting like the most hurted person ever, when actually i was barely alive and all the energy i had was to hold my tears and she said that i'm "ruining the mood" because i didn't laugh at her jokes. I was kinda mad but it gave me closure after 2 years of me doubting my self-worth because she kinda left me without knowing what went wrong. And i was amazed about how i handled that situation right in the morning.

I was fine. It was not my responsibility.

That was a shitty feeling, but i was fine. I cried a little while i took a bath, while i wear my makeup, while i was on my way to office, but again i was fine. People come and go they said, this is an episode of goodbye. I'm proud of myself that i don't put the blame on myself anymore because i can't control the way others sees or feel about me. At least i got closure and that was enough. At least i know that i was not hurting people on purpose and that was a win for me.

Three years full of tears (literally), i'm just glad that i'm alive until now.

With some people go, there will be some people come. I'll be in a new office at 15th Aug carrying hope that it will be a new start for a better me. One of my heaviest problem was my job it was eating me up and now i had the chance to put it down and try something new. No one could promised that in the future it will be good, but i guess it will be much better than yesterday.

in a couple of month i will be thirty. Looking back, i'm definitely a better person than i was. Let's try something new and be a better you, Cen!