cerberusthewatchdog - Tumblr blog

[cerberusthewatchdog]

Sometime I’m absolutely consumed by how much the world isn’t the way it should be. I’ll look out across a valley or a river or the ocean and I’ll wish I knew what it looked like when we hadn’t cut scars and built blemishes across the Earth in the form of roads and buildings and cars and trains and even the fucking telephone poles. In those moments I’ll wish that the Earth had never been infected by the parasite that is us, even though think that at heart most of us are alright. I’ll squint my eyes, trying to block out a fence or electrical tower or highway and try to picture how it used to be and I’ll feel something tighten in my chest when I remember that I will never know or experience just how peaceful this planet would be without us sweet, well-meaning, destructive, selfish, sacrificing humans there to try our best and still fail. But it brings me a sort of twisted comfort to know that one day in the perhaps not so distant future we will be gone and the Earth will almost certainly still be here, baring the chance of total planetary destruction the likes of which will hopefully not be our fault, and even if the surface of the planet has been charred to a crisp and the water ways are choked with trash that eventually, even if it takes billions of years, life will continue on without us.

[cerberusthewatchdog]

If I lived there and then this is how it would go. My high school years I would sit silently through every class and if you didn’t know me you might think I was stupid except that’s just what I do. Anyone who did know me would know that I was the one to ask for help- the help me learn kind of help or the let me copy or the let me borrow it I’ll give it right back kind of help. My sister too even though I’ll make sure to give her a hard time about it. Because that’s what siblings do. I want to be there for everything. Non school stuff too. The good stuff the bad stuff the dark stuff the stupid stuff. Because that’s what’d I’d do here and now if anyone would let me. But I don’t want to force so I’ll just keep watch and make sure you’re all doing ok enough

[cerberusthewatchdog]

The Smell of Rain

The smell of rain has always been one of my favorite smells. Petrichor. A fancy name that almost encompasses what it means but does a pretty shitty job of showing what it does to my head, making me think about all the stuff that is and was and could and never will be. Do you ever just really fucking miss something that you’ve never even know? I think the best way I’ve heard it is in a song where it goes something like “I’m missing a time that I’ve never known, I’m missing a place that I’ve never called home.” Like what could have been but will never happen. I’m not talking about missed chances or anything I’m talking about how I wish I had grown up in a place where it snowed. Where every winter I would shovel a path up to our house all the way from the main road to our little family farm with my mom and my sister and a bunch of dogs that are technically outdoor dogs but they come inside anyway. I would go to school everyday and play on the school’s hockey team and wrestle too even though those are both winter sports. I would play football still and I still wouldn’t be that good but I wouldn’t be trash. Maybe I would have a bigger family, not just my sister and my mom. Maybe I would have a little sister or an older brother. I could have grown up swimming in the river near my house with the other kids in my town, building forts, climbing trees, and starting fires in the woods late into the night past the time we should have been home but no one minds because it’s summer and that’s what kids do. I could have gotten a summer job working at my best friend’s dad’s shop every year, leaving each day with grease under my finger nails, hands rough with callouses from being outside all the damn time. And maybe I wouldn’t be good at all that shit, maybe it wouldn’t come naturally but at least I could try. On lazy Sundays after finishing my chores (maybe grumbling about it but everyone knows it’s just for show) I might walk over to the gas station to say hi to the kid behind the counter only a grade above me. It’d be under the excuse of buying a bottle of pop but after they’d popped the cap off for me and handed the bottle back, our fingers brushing briefly, and I took a sip, grimacing at the sickly sweet taste we’d both know what- or more accurately who- I was really there for. And then maybe they’d grin knowingly at me and say “don’t like it? that’s my favorite flavor” and I’d smile back and say “oh yeah?” Like a challenge almost as I pushed the bottle back across the counter towards them. “Go for it” I’d say and then they’d take a long drink from it before leaning towards me and covering my mouth with theirs and maybe it turns out that I don’t mind the taste too much after all. And I don’t think that I’d really change if my world was like that because that’s what’s in my head anyway and it’s not really too far off from the truth. My mom would never be mad if I got home later than I said I would be because she knew that nothing could ever happen to me in this town, we all take care of each other. the kind of town where people leave their front doors open all the time, calling out greetings through the screen door to people passing on the street. And when it rains you can just run up onto any old porch to stop and wait out the storm and have a nice chat and maybe a hot drink before setting off again, refreshed by the smell of right after it rains. 

[cerberusthewatchdog]

First Post

Bruh I can’t fucking figure out this hell site. I only barely figured out how to post (do you know how long it took me to find the gosh darn blue pencil thing) and making the account in the first place was a bitch to deal with but I guess all that was worth it to be able to see the inner thoughts of some of these people in my life who have accounts here. I guess that’s what anonymity does. Makes people less afraid to share what’s in their heads. Even if they would share in real life it’s kinda weird to see what they say when it’s just 26 letters edited onto a little rectangle of words, thought out more than talking in that you can delete and reword things as much as you’d like before sending it out. I don’t think I’m on here just for that though. I think I want to use this as a kinda way to think about what I’m thinking more than I would. And I guess it’s shouting into the void a little bit too. For now anyway. But I guess I’m hoping just a little bit for the void to answer back. But even if it doesn’t it’ll still be hanging out there in the abyss forever. That’s one thing I think is funny. The fact the people always tell you to be careful what you put out into The Internet because it will be there Forever but right now to me that just sounds kinda nice, the fact that even if everything I know gets burned to the ground that I could just go to this weird ass site and have these thoughts preserved in my own little cubby of The Internet for me to see whenever. But I don’t know. That could definitely change so I’ll just be careful what I say which is definitely a good idea anyway with all the Creeps and Weirdos out there. But theres also a lot of nice strangers too.

and it would be really nice if somebody could explain Tumblr to me please. I thought I understood but I don’t. Like what is a blaze and how do people see the stuff you post and why are some people here really mean and other people super nice and then other people just really pretentious about everything and also my biggest question which is what the fuck