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[cerucerise]

spring break

I hate my mother. my brother has a cough.

I'm venting. I am anonymous. this post includes emotional abuse.

Fri 21 Mar, car ride home

my mother came to pick me up. we chat about different things.

I say I'm always tired. not sure why.

she says my brother's sick. he says he should go to the doctor. but he's been running outside in shorts and a tee, staying up consistently til 2am, and sleeping on the floor because it's too hot otherwise. so it's his fault he's sick. plus, when she picks him up from sports, he's been talking back. so she's not driving him to the doctor.

I close my eyes. she reminds me I can tilt the seat back. she moves on to other topics. I respond without my lips moving.

5pm Fri 21 Mar-3pm Sat 22 Mar

i spend the whole day in bed. traveling always messes up my sleep schedule. I shouldn't have spent as much time on my phone as I did.

she says, "you spent 22 hours in bed. no one can save you (没哟人可以救你)."

I'm frustrated. I cry.

my brother's cough sounds bad. I'm concerned for him.

she yells at my brother for vacuuming the whole house wrong(??). she tosses his clothes all over the place. she does this to show she is very angry at you. she leaves some clothes by the toilet. gross.

Sun 23 Mar, leaving church

I need to use the restroom. I hurry.

my phone rings. "I finished pooping. I'm wiping now." I shouldn't have said that.

she says, "I was calling to tell you we're outside."

"okay. I did a quick poop. you're welcome."

the siblings yell stuff like "poop faster." it's a very sibling joke to make. I'm not bothered.

she asks, "why did you say you're welcome?"

"... bye." I hang up and hurry out.

she sends the whole family an email:

Subject: Joking Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. Ephesians 5:4

I don't remember her emailing Bible verses before. also, if our poop jokes were in a movie, it'd be rated PG. just saying.

Tue 25 Mar, morning

she sends the whole family another email:

Subject: Ephisians[sic] 3:16-17, 20 ESV 16 that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love 20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,

I get up maybe around 2pm. I worry how I'll get up tomorrow.

Tue 25 Mar, evening

I want to work a few days of break. I can't drive. the parents have me make sure she's available on days I work. still, there's still 1 day when no one can drive me.

she's in bed after work.

"how will you get there?" she often yells across the house, expecting a response.

"I'll bike."

"I can't hear you."

she comes to my room. "bike," I repeat.

we had this discussion yesterday. she said it was too cold to bike. she figures out a way to drive me. "why didn't you get up?"

I shrug. "you could get up." if she has something she wants to say, it's up to her how much she wants to tell me. I feel different ✨from college✨ I'm so cool~ ... I've forgotten how my mother is.

"you should come over to talk to me. I'm tired from work. you've been in bed all day. you want me to get up to talk to you?"

"bike to work yourself." well, that was my plan. (I'm not sure if I want to give up the ride. so I don't say that.)

"I'm not driving you back to school. you're independent. you don't need a ride."

"you can ask your dad to drive you back [a day earlier]."

"don't come home next spring break." nothing I haven't heard before.

she moves onto my brother. apparently I am not upset enough.

"why did I raise you all? to mistreat me?"

"I'll never take you to the hospital."

"why are you using the neighbor's wi-fi? that's illegal. I'm calling 911."

we tell her to call 911. she doesn't. bummer.

when she's yelling, I've tried

responding as if she wants me to take what she says seriously ("that's talking back")

being quiet like she says (ineffective. I can't always keep my mouth shut.)

responding neutrally (passive aggression slips out)

not giving up (she starts crying bc she can't win. i am cold outside and worse, unnerved.)

today, I'm saying things that would be genuine and kind, patient and understanding, if it were not for me, in monotone, saying outrageous things like "I love you."

she doesn't buy it lmao.

her: I don't think you love me.

me: I wonder why.

her: you just want to make me scream. good, then I'll scream to you[sic] for the rest of spring break.

me (bedrotting until she called on me T-T): well, I'm trying to do my homework, but your feelings are more important. i'm listening.

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there are these ppl from a organization based on interest in our (shared) culture. when we're together, they're racist toward certain other groups, and queerphobic. but we've had shared experiences and they've done things for me & helped me out. I want to cut them off, but I also don't want to discard them.

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their song is stuck in my head. also, I wonder if I should dump them.

I miss seeing them. I know that if I see them, I'll like them again.

I'm all right with the way it is now - no better no worse, no more intense or casual.

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how do I tell show them "I miss you"

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don't change. not for me. please. never.

don't trade away anything for me. not money, not obligations, not your relationships with other people.

fit me in when you can. give me your long afternoons. your free evenings. let me stay with you on the weekends when we're both too sleepy to do anything. let me be a comfort, quiet and present. let me curl up where you are hollow.

don't change your plans. you know I'll be here. we both sacrifice too much.

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I hate her. I never missed her when I was gone. I came home - and I was never angry when I was away - and she makes me so upset. I punched the wall. I can't say anything. I can't reply to her or say anything I want. If I do, conflict ensues, and I am not in the mood today for spending this fall night outside. I hate her. I missed my siblings but never her.

Someday I may post a justification of how she's human and how I understand she's not perfect and all that. Today is not that day.

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they said, "I love you."

I said, "don't say that."

I worry the infatuation will fade. we'll break up. we'll be heartbroken and scarred and wiser.

we're dating. this is what I wanted. we should have gone more slowly.

I worry that I don't like them that way, that I'm just saying it. maybe I just like the attention.

I like them as a person. we like the same things. they make me so happy. they're real damn attractive. I miss them when I don't see them. I flush when I think about them. I cannot believe they're mine.

I don't know why the hell they like me. I keep asking them why. I don't feel likable. does that mean I'm emotionally unavailable?

my brain worries they don't like me, that they're using me. which is stupid.

I know they like me. they're considerate, and they do things for me. I have to stand my ground so that they don't do big favors for me. (I might cuss them out next time. they need to stop.) they ask how I feel. they like my personality and my body. they don't pressure me for more. they say they're scared. they worry I won't be there when they wake up.

I'm scared, too. I don't like sad endings. I should enjoy these moments, but I know we'll break up someday. I worry it'll fuck them up bad. I want this to work. I'll try to make it work.

arguments are inevitable in every relationship, people say. I'm waiting for the arguments. we're amiable people. we haven't known each other long enough to have seen the other angry. I am not as kind as what they've seen of me so far. I can be cruel and cutting. I will argue.

I know we're young and eager and naive and we want the same things. "us" makes me so happy. "us" makes me worry. I wanted to say "I love you" back (I told them that).