This is a side blog where I type about my exact, unfiltered thoughts and feelings. I mostly type about the negatives here since I do need somewhere to vent unaltered, but I also rarely talk about positive/silly/etc things No TW nor CW. WARNING: This blog is filled to the brim with posts about Depression, suicide, self-harm, and the likes. I do not in any way support/condone such harmful things - this is just an outlet for me. Proceed at your own risk. My primary blog is melanthriel.tumblr.com.
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also i miss their voice alrrady even though theyve only unmuted a handful of times even after getting the headset, and it feels so unfair, but im not entitled to anything so feeling bad and wanting them to unmute is ridiculous
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hate it whenever dad leaves the knife on the counter n havong the urge n imagery of stabbing or cutting myself when i happento spot it right there
having to fight the intrusive impulse while feeling disconnected from my body is exhausting
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how am i supposed to be lovable when im so venomous and so awful anyway
so burdensome
nothing right. only problem upon problem
sick inside out
itd be best for everyone if i ceased to exist
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if i died rn or anytime soon the fumny thing is that my obituary n shit would all just deadname me and use she/her and call me a woman/girl and say so many things about me that arent even true bc pm no one irl knows or sees me as me and then chances are my actual friends would never know unless sita tells them . like they wouldnt be able to look me up and find me unless they use my deadname
thats fucked up everything is fucked up im fucked up
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i think im too unstable/volatile for this the past week or however long lmao i should rly just kms bc everything in my life is a bad joke w 0 humour
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being told 'anyone would be lucky to have you' by someone who ripped ur heart out and stomped on it when u were in love with them and wished theyd love u back is honestly rly stupid
objectively u can hope the best for someone esp when u do love them a lot just not in a romantic sense , duh, thats what friends are for
but it is rly rich being told ''anyone'' like . you couldve been that ''anyone'' but here we are so obviously thats a fucking lie
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sometimes i just rly wish i had someone to just hold me a little while
but no
never have had that
likely never will
yet i write all these ocs who do get to have that. how ironic
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apparently i have diarrhea but at least this time wasnt bloody idk
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having bloody stool isnt nice eother lol wtf is wrong w me. my existence is a joke
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its also mamas birthday so thats fun i guess
10 yrs later n im still wearing her nightie thats full of holes amd technically is just rags at this point but i cant bear to rhrow it away plus its a comfort item/i wear it to feel comforted but yeah its fucking holey and torn up whats the point anymore
why do i do this
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the fact i fully intended last night to avoid them today bc of how bitter n hurt i felt vs not feeling as awful this morning in a general sense, making me unable to be so unreasonable towards them, but still feeling iffy and hurt bc i begged them for seemingly the littlest things to help me yesterday when i was spiralling and suicidal (not that they knew) ... mental illness is fucking ridiculous actually
yes they always ask if theres anyhow they can help but ??? obv ideas to write/relay arent always gonna come to mind
amd i did also ask them to draw something as an alternative since they aleays insist i can ask them to draw anything anytime, yeah, but i didnt directly adk them to draw it right then either i only said "oh yoy didnt draw the thing" which does Not tell them that im asking them to now... again how were they to know
yet my stupid brain feels like its trust was betrayed just bc i kept asking for things/giving prompts to no avail while desperate for anything to counteract wamting to kms yet I Did Not Express Anything Directly So How Could They Have Known
this is fucking stupid my brain is stupid thos is exactly why i need to kill myself sooner than later (but not while my parents are alive i guess)
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the fact that monsoon still mqkes me cry 13yrs later is hilarious
the chokehold that pre-2013 tokio hotel still has me in... the sheer pain n nostalgia
like these songs were my soul for like just 3 yrs but oof
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kinda eish i were fr a cat . huge gamble there on wuality of life n vulnerability but im sure they dont panix over their oan death constantly
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the sheer inevitably/unavoidability of ones own death is fucking cruel and paralyxing and idk how many mire times i can stifley own involuntary/reflexive screaming all alone with this dread and psnic with no comfort nor resolytion
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will i ever be able to think abt death and dying without fucking panicking and screaming and feeling so much dread and awfulness
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been a while since the last time i felt such a strong urge to cut
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