chaosturnsbeautiful

[chaosturnsbeautiful]

When I was a teenager all I did was fawn over boys, a lot of my friends would call me "boy crazy." I hated it, no one really understood that I was just wanting a human connection from someone other than family. I had friends and lost friends, that's what happens in high school. Well after graduation, most of my friend group drifted off and went to college. I stayed in my hometown and attended trade school... While doing so I had one friend that I grew up with attending with me. We'll call her Krissy, we were friends for many years. Her and I were inseparable, or so I thought. She had became a popular girl, who knew trade school had cliques. Well I decided I wanted to find a boyfriend. (the thought of this makes me sick, since I'm now married and I have a child). So I got on multiple dating sights and sought after "men". I was very self conscious, hated my appearance, but loved the attention. When I found the guy I thought I wanted to date. I was with this guy for a little over a year. We did everything together.... He was a couple years older than me, didn't have a car, could barely keep a job, and lived in his parents house. That wouldn't have bothered me if he didn't try to claim it as his own house until I finally met his family. He started getting into drugs, I was against it, but before I could do or say anything he broke up with me. I wasn't really sad, I was mad. Mad I spent all my time taking care of him, finding him jobs, lying to my family, and acting like he was better than he really was... You will see a pattern. Well I graduate trade school and start working with Krissy and we were doing just fine in our friendship, we hung out all the time, we both were striving and doing so well. I started noticing things off about her, she seemed like she was drinking on the job, strung out, and all around not a good person. Years of dealing with this and being around her, I distanced myself. Decided I wanted to get back out in the dating pool, turned out to be the worst/best decisions. I started to date this guy and for this post he will remain anonymous, Within the first week I should have seen the red flags, trying to make me leave my family, telling me we were going to get on a cellphone plan together, reading my texts from my parents, he made me call my mom and tell her I was moving in with him. Yes there were threats made with it, but I blocked that out of my memory. My relationships with friends and family continued to diminish. I never moved in with him, but I continued to date him. He had no job, lived in a sketchy neighbor hood, always told me about how he was in the military and made up a big lie about some top secret thing he did with them. He drained my accounts, all of my money I had been saving was gone within months of dating. I felt stuck, with no way out. He ended up threatening to kill me all the time, when I was at work he would sit at a table outside of my job (I worked in the mall) and watched me. If he saw me talking to other men, he would send me vulgar texts. Month's go by and I have to go in for a well woman exam, he forced me in to letting him go. My doctor never noticed anything wrong, except a couple days later I get a call from the nurse with blood results.... You guessed it, I was pregnant. The tears came streaming down. I didn't want to be with this person..., To be continued.....

[chaosturnsbeautiful]

Healing my inner self from my past, living in the moment, and striving to be the best mom I can be. With that being said, I need to work on myself. In doing so I have to relive my past and work through the trauma I went through and who I became after it. Will it be easy? No. Will I work through it? I sure as heck hope so.