charlettesweb - Tumblr blog

[charlettesweb]

Writer’s block and my missing eye glasses.

Four thirty in the morning. The neighborhood of teacher’s village is still in deep slumber- in more-or-less thirty minutes tricycle noises outside my window will begin to escalate and at quarter to six one of my neighbors in the compound will add to the noise pollution, turn on his car and start his day- I know these because my what-used-to-be-insomnia has now turned into a complete change of body clock. 

As of publication, the world is literally going crazy. I am freaking out and I have so many emotions (and it probably led me into writing here) (My thoughts and prayers go out to all the victims of the terrorism attack in Mindanao) . But I’m not here to talk about that, we have Facebook and twitter for the universally-relevant-news. I am here to talk about less-remarkable and really-unworthy of attention news from my little corner of the universe. 

I have stopped writing my thesis after chapter three-- Writer’s block? Yes, probably?.. (I also forgot my glasses at home and I’m currently wearing my old specks.) Holy fuck, I’ve plenty of excuses!!! None of which are valid. I am so stuck with the thought of having too much time in my hand that I didn’t realize I haven’t got any...  SHIT. I have no words. I have two months to complete my thesis and I am digging my own grave. 

In semi-related news, I think I’m regressing back to my depression and anxiety (is that redundant? is it politically correct to say that? hit me up.)  It feels so good to finally be able to say that in a *semi*-public space. I’ve always been worried to say it, I mean to ACTUALLY say it, without explain WHY I am going through it or justifying that I have “it” like it’s some competition I’ve to win. 

OKAY, story time: the first time I experienced real depression was when I was a part of a theater production in my college-- (since it was a theater show in my school, I have a really confusing relationship with most of the cast and crew who were involved in the said production --you will understand this later on) -- anyway, so as I was explaining to them what I felt at that time there were a lot of people who would respond with: “But I know people who’s gone through worse.” “But you even had things easy, everything was handed to you.” “I will do everything in my power to not let you graduate.” [okay, it was a bad idea to recall all of these things, I’m sure you get the point by now.] Anyway, it was a really difficult time for me, these are people who I treated as family, there are the people whom I would “serve” everyday. And at the end of one of the shows, I would go back to my station and see a note on my script saying “Umayos ka putangina” (Fix yourself. Motherfucker.) I had all the reasons to run and cry and quit-- but I didn’t do it, I will not sugarcoat this the way I do on facebook or twitter or in academic writings-- I didn’t quit because I know I’d be treated WORSE if I quit and left the production. I was working with power trippers and it is just so unfortunate for me that I was really horrible at my job. This is why I relate to 13 Reasons Why on so many levels. I understand her. (I hope people don’t misunderstand me by thinking I encourage suicide. I don’t.) I really just understand what it feels like to have no one, and as I age, I realize that there are plenty of people who are fortunate enough not to feel that, but that also gives them a little bit less understanding of what it is like to be stuck down there. It is a horrible place. More than the loneliness, the worst-part is the self-loathing, thinking you brought this to yourself and thinking you deserved it (you don’t. no one ever does.). To my detractors at that time, well, you know who you are, I hope this post gives you satisfaction, because finally I’m saying it: You succeeded. 

During the cast party- I broke down. The person who caused me misery and invalidated all my feelings all throughout the production even video-taped me while I was having my break down. Video taping and laughing. I am not making this up. A few moments earlier he teasingly told me: “If I re-stage this production, would it be fine with you if you weren’t in it?”, I know a lot may not understand this, but THAT is not the kind of words you would want to hear at a cast party. He basically ruined the night for me. And he probably doesn’t know it (or care) but he ruined more nights and days after that. 

Anyway,I worked with him two more productions after this one. I don’t know if it’s the fear of being treated differently if I decline or of saving my status as a student. I have no idea. 

In all honestly, I am already in good terms with all the people who hurt me at that time. Even good friends with most of them now. That’s why I said I have a difficult relationship with these people. Because when I have episodes sometimes, I even tend to run to them for comfort. OK, I GOTTA WIDEN MY CIRCLE, I KNOW. 

(I’m getting too carried away with my story telling, I’m pretty sure no one is reading this part anymore. this blog is just for me anyway)

I know that I talked so much about the hate and depression I had a few years ago, I guess my point is simple: it is temporary. I want my present and future-self to remember this all the time: IT IS TEMPORARY. There are people who will never leave your side. THEY ARE THERE, and they are important. Keep them. Hold them tight. Give them thanks. Show them you care. 

Okay I’ve been writing for an hour now, I gotta do other things, like SLEEP probably!!! OR WRITE YOUR THESIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[charlettesweb]

Uy! (Beat)

Kamusta ka na? (beat. hinga) naisip kasi kita. (beat)  Sana hindi ka nagpapadala sa lakas ng alon ng panahon. (beat. tatawa. maluluha) naisip kasi kita. 

Ako? Okay naman. Marami namang pinagkaka-abalahan. (tatahimik. ngingiti) ano? pano ma nalaman? (beat. yuyuko) hindi.. (beat) hindi ako nagsisinungaling. (beat.) Iniisip kasi kita. (beat) 

hay-- kulang nanaman ang oras (beat) I miss you. 

[charlettesweb]

Guilty! Lol. Aren’t we all are? Ang haba ng production and ikli ng pagmamahal. #char! HAHAHA! 

Magkayakap sa Dilim: Tatlong Kwentong-Irog sa Likod ng Theatre Stage

  Nakakahumaling isipin na sa isang theatre production, maraming mga ships na nabubuo –nandiyan ang mentorship, apprenticeship, friendship, relationship, at kung anu-ano pang mga ships. At higit sa lahat ng ships, wala na yatang hihigit pa sa isang marubdob na relationship. Oo, hindi na ako mag-aatubili pang aminin, may backstage romance – mga minatamis na nakaw na sandali mula sa oras ng rehearsal, prop making, set construction, dress-technical rehearsal, o kahit pa sa paghihintay ng cue.

Kumakaripas ang mga balita! Kung minsan maswerte ako at kinukwetuhan pa ako ng mga taong nakaranas na ng backstage romance, o kung minsan nama'y production fling. Hindi natin basta masasabi na kung may backstage romance, may kasal na magaganap, o may batang maisasasinapupunan, basta ang natitiyak ko – at kaya kong tumestigo dito – na ang bakstage romance na ito ay isang natatanging sandali ng pagpupuslit ng oras upang magmahal.

Hayaan niyong magbahagi ako ng ilan.

1. ANG NAKAPANGGIGIGIL NA DILIM

Tauhan: Boy at Girl

Tagpuan: Backstage, habang may pagtatanghal na nagaganap

Nakakatawa pero, totoo na merong nabubuong ibigan na nagsimula sa dilim – strategic daw kasi. Alam kong alam niyo ang ibig kong sabihin, at hindi ko naman balak na magpatawa o gawing katatawanan lang ang mga taong nakaranas na nito.

Ang kwento.

May mga narinig na akong ilang pagkakataon na kung minsan, habang naghihintay si Girl ng kanyang cue upang pumasok sa eksena, bigla-bigla sa kadiliman ng backstage ay may kamay na humablot sa kanya, at may mga labing magnanakaw ng halik.

Parang magic! May ilang segundo rin ang itatagal ng marubdob na pagpapalitan ng halik, ngunit sa kanila, wala na ngang tatagal pa sa ilang segundo na iyon. Sa kadiliman ng backstage, may dalawang alagad ng sining na hindi makapigil sa pagsabi ng “mahal kita”, ayun ibinulong na lang ng labi sa kapwa labi. Oo nga naman, hindi pwede mag-ingay backstage.

Anong nangyari sa kanila pagkatapos? Hmmm… medyo awkward na. Nagdedmahan. Sayang. Sa kung paano pa naman naikwento sa akin, maniniwala kang may daan na nga tungong walang hanggan. Eh kaso pinangunahan ng takot, kaba, at siyempre shared awkwardness.

  2. KUNG MAY BINHI MAY BUNGA

Tauhan: Boy at Girl… at Baby

Tagpuan: Theater…basta sa mahabang panahon, at ilang produksyon

Kung kanina ay nauwi sa dedmahan, ang pangalawang kwento ay natuloy hanggang sa mga paanyayang magka-ninong-at-ninang– oo, binyagan.

Walang kasal na naganap kina Boy at Girl, ngunit may bungang umusbong, at sumibol matapos ang isang seryosong pag-iibigan. Huwag niyong isipin na sa backstage nabuo ang bata; lilinawin ko lang na ang kanilang pagmamahalan ay nabuo sa isang produksyon. Kinilig kaming lahat sa isang matamis na simulain. Puno kasi ng pag-asa upang makamtam na nga ang walang hanggan. Hanggang sa ilang produksyon na nga ang lumipas at nabalitaan na lang naming magkaka-baby na si Girl.

Ang kanilang kwento ay nagpapatuloy pa rin. Walang kasiguraduhan ang lahat maliban sa isa: ang mapalaking isang mabuting tao ang baby nila. Masyado pang maaga upang tapusin ang kwento nila, nguniy hanggang dito lang ang kaya kong isalaysay – hanggang sa susunod na kabanata.

3. MAGKARAMAY

Tauhan: Boy at Girl/Boy at Boy/Girl at Girl

Tagpuan: Theater; Bahay niya… alam na

Ito ang pag-iibigang sinubok na ng ora de peligro at ng lahat ng mura at galit ng mundo ng teatro. Ang tauhan ay dalawa lang. Maaaring si boy at si girl, si boy at si boy, o si girl at si girl. Wala namang pagkakaiba, ang tanging makapangyarihang aspeto lang ng kanilang pinatibay na pagsasama ay ang hagupit ng produksyon. Sa bigat ng responsibilidad at sa haba ng mga araw at gabi, damayan na sa lahat ng bagay. Pagod, iyak, sugat, tawanan, asaran, at kainan, basta walang iwanan, peksman cross-my-heart, hope to die.

At siyempre, akala ng lahat dun na uusbong ang isang kwentong pang-walang hanggan. Hindi pala.

“Over-familiarity breeds contempt.”

Hindi nga siguro maaaring basta na lang magsama ang halos kabisado na ang lahat tungkol sa isang tao. Oo, maganda kung iisipin, ngunit may pagkakataon ngang hindi na nakakabuti sa dalawang nag-aalab ang magsama – delikado na para sa kanilang dalawa. Karinyo Brutal. Kaya’t ayun, imbis na magka-walang hanggan,matapos ang taon ng pagsasama na nagsimula sa isang makulay na produksyon, ang dating halos pag-isahin na ng pagsasama, kailangan nang isalba ang mga sarili mula sa pagkakalunod sa isa’t isa.

  Ito ay ilan lamang sa pag-iibigang panteatro na narinig ko na ang kwento. Marami pa iyan, sinasabi ko sa inyo. Iba-iba man ang kinahinatnan, pare-pareho namang nakilahok sa isang nakakagiliw na pagpupuslit ng pagkakataong maglambingan sa likod ng telon.

Ang maipapayo ko lang sa ating lahat, go with the flow. Kung meron, meron, kung wala, wala. May mga oras na hindi natin kayang labanan ang alon – ang alon ng kilig na kaya kang mapa-ibig.

[charlettesweb]

Theater Actors Stage Managers Love to Hate

If you are an aspiring stage actor, you will be working with stage managers. In case you are not familiar with them and what they do, they are the ones who organize the entire rehearsal and show. Many would agree that being a stage manager in theater productions is not an easy job.

I personally had the pleasure of working with great professional actors, musicians and designers. Just the same, we can’t avoid these particular stereo-types. Here’s a list of what you should avoid becoming, should you aspire a career in theater productions.

THE LATE COMER

7:00 pm show, 6:30 open house, 5:00 call time for the musicians.

My message at 5:00—“Hi, kuya, where are you? “

5:30—“Hello, everyone’s here already, waiting for you for the musician’s sound check. Where are you?”

5:45—“Location check please. Sound check in 5 minutes.”

5:50 – “Location check please!!!”

6:00—“Sound check’s done. Where are you? Please respond or I will contact another drummer.”

6:03—I finally got a response: “Sorry got stuck in traffic and low bat. Still in Q. Ave.””

Whether you’re an actor, musician, designer, or crew, NEVER BE LATE FOR A CALL TIME! There’s a reason why you’re required to be present at a specific time and it is meant to be followed. The stage manager spends hours preparing the schedule for the entire production and as a sign of respect, we must follow this said schedule.  Should your lateness be the cause of delay?  No sir, unacceptable.

THE LOVER

One conversation with a particular actor went:

“Reminding you of your 5:00 call time at the theater. Thank you and see you tomorrow.” “Thanks. What time will you be there?” “Will be there at 4, sir. You may arrive early to review lines and blockings.” “Okay, so does that mean I can ask you out to lunch? My treat, don’t worry. I can pick you up from your place.”

There’s nothing wrong with being friendly. But please, DO NOT FLIRT WITH THE STAGE MANAGER! Production romances do happen, with the high stress levels stage manager experience during productions, do you think they still have time for romance? None. So hands off the stage manager.

THE FORGETTER

We had a 10 o’clock show once, wherein the call time was at eight in the morning for the actors. At around 7:30, as I was setting-up the sounds board, I received a message from one of the ensemble actors. “Char, I lost my bahag (his costume) in the laundry.”

Imagine the horror! We had used up all our extra costumes, so we didn’t know where to buy a bahag at 7 am on a Sunday! Some of the costume team members rushed to the costume shop trying to look for alternatives, while another was hurriedly attempting to make a new bahag out of extra cloth. While this was happening, I decided to check his dressing room. There it was. His costume. All hung and dry.

Please be mindful and take extra care of your costumes and props to avoid causing panic and stress for the crew. Their job is to pre-set your props and costumes, clean the backstage and when needed, rehearse you personally before show. So please, never forget a prop, a costume, a cue or a line, for the sake of the gods of theater!

THE DIVA

“My costume smells like downy, I hate that! Have the staff wash them again. Also, my underwear was so itchy, ask them to wash that too.” “Tell the designer I can’t wear his fur, it looks so fake! Wouldn’t be caught dead wearing it! Just tell him I’m allergic to fur.” “I need a hotel booked for me for the morning shows. Charge it to the production.” “I asked my dresser to buy me cigarettes and coffee, you don’t mind naman diba?

We are all too familiar with this one, the star, the diva! Nothing’s ever worse than being called at seven in the morning being asked to run for coffee or wash underwear. The stage hands weren’t hired to be your personal assistant. Most of all, the stage manager is not your personal yaya!

Actors, if you ever find your selves in these situations, please be a little but more considerate if the people who work behind the scenes to make everything run smoothly on stage. By following the schedule and keeping personal errands to yourself, you are immensely helping the production.

[charlettesweb]

If Microsoft taught me anything it is that desktop backgrounds are meant for picture-perfect things/scenes/people... So if I make you my goddamn desktop background you are one special picture-perfect bitch

[charlettesweb]

How insecure are we as a generation to constantly find comfort in side partners.. Are we that scared to fall in love? Are we that terrified of commitment?

MR (via kushandwizdom)

Good Vibes HERE

(via kushandwizdom)

[charlettesweb]

Life becomes more meaningful when you realize the simple fact that you’ll never get the same moment twice.

(via kushandwizdom)

Good Vibes HERE

(via kushandwizdom)

[charlettesweb]

ALMOST (chos! parang madrama )

Hello there, tumblr. 

yes, for once and for all, inayos ko na ulit ang tumblr ko. Nakakamiss kaya. Nguinit ang dami na nagbago sayo, love. Ibang-iba ka na sa pagkakakilala ko sayo dati.. but I guess, if hindi ako umalis hindi ka magiging ganun na-bago. CHAR. 

So 6 months to 2015 --how do you measure a year nga ba? Well for me, its been a year of.. “I don’t know” “I’m not okay” “I’m sad”. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with allowing yourself to feel sad and letting it all sink in... I was really sad eh... (I’m sure other people have it much worse... pero malala rin naman ang pinagdaanan ko, I must say.) minsan hindi na-dadaan sa “sorry” or pag-bawi.. kasi minsan hindi mo lang mabubura ang masasamang memorya sa puso mo. (no matter how much you try) 

Pero ayun, after a year, okay ka na ba, Charlette? Maybe its time na bumangon ka.. Take your time pero marami ka pang hahabulin..

[charlettesweb]

Maligayang bati saamig Hari! :) Salamat sa birthday lunch! Naway magpatuloy ka sa pagiging isang mabuting ehemplo sa kabataang tulad ko. Naks! But seriously, you make teaching look like a dream :) salamat Kuya!!

[charlettesweb]

Its been 3 years! And now I'm completely legal!! So surreal :) we're getting old, friends!!! #timeflieswithtimehop #medyothrowbackjustreminicinh

[charlettesweb]

Diet-size. #driedmango #cebu

[charlettesweb]

Because the Winnie the Pooh beanie is his favorite! ;) lol! #beaniecrochet #crochet #crochetph

[charlettesweb]

Because the Winnie the Pooh beanie is his favorite! ;) lol! #beaniecrochet #crochet #crochetph

[charlettesweb]

Awesome Shmosm 21st birthday gifts!!!! LOOK AT THOSE CROCHET HOOKS!! Nabaliw po ako. THANK YOU FOR ANOTHER ROCKING YEAR :) And to everyone who remembered, salamat!! :) #birthdaythings #happiestgirl

[charlettesweb]

Because Love-ah cakes & birthdays make a good combination :) birthday mirienda w @cheskacartativo & trio. And special thanks to Ate Janine! Lol :) FOREVER 21 AT LAST ;)

[charlettesweb]

Insomiac

Haven't slept well since the last few weeks of school. Lalong lumama noong nagsembreak na. Hindi ko papalagpasin ang pag post ng blog na ito ng hindi ko sasabihin ang F.U calendar shift. Kasi oo, nakakarattle, diaorient at medyo hindi ko naenjoy ang lantern parade dahil dito. Eh paborito ko pa naman ang lantern parade at feel na feel ko ang pagka-Iska ko tuwing nanonood. Pero baka hindi lang ang calendar shift ang sumira ng lantern parade ko.. Oo , marami pang ibang dahilan.. That should go without being said pero hindi rin deserve na maisulat sa napaka-"hyped" na blog na ito. Char. Oo. Oo at oo. Ayun na, yun ang nangyari ngunit nangyari na eh! Tama na, wag na isipin kasi tapos na. Hindi naman yun ang magdedefine ng mga bagay bagay at wala ngang dapat ikabala dahil.. Wala naman talaga. If anything, isang malaking bagay yun na naglagay ng permanenteng butas sa aking puso.. ngunit inilalagda ko ito dahil nais ko itong matandaan. The things that hurt me before doesn't bother me anymore but they certainly remind me how strong I can be. Na capable pala ako to feel that much. And that's okay. I read a blog just now saying "for time first time, I'm happy to say bye!" (NOT EXACT WORDS) Ang ganda nun. Ako rin. I finally found the "good" in goodbye. Good bye 2014, you made me cry alot. Medyo iyakin naman talaga ako.. But I really mean ALOT. Im glad we're letting you go para matapos na rin ang ibang kabanata ng ating buhay. But I am happy. I'M AT THE PRIMETIME OF MY LIFE. Life is going uphill. I can see it, I am claiming it! Thank you 2014 for reminding me how weak I am, therefore I must work harder. Thank you.

[charlettesweb]

My new year Mandala :) most intricate one I've done so far.. Still planning to add more colors and make it bigger. #teal #green #crochetph #crochet #crochetmandala