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charlizeed · 2 years ago

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A/N: I'm gonna be honest, i lost my editing steam about halfway through Rowan's second POV, so past there we're just going to ignore any errors due to my impatience. Thank you so much for your patience, this chapter has been sitting in my brain for a long time. It's something other than poorly edited

~ Made of Ashes Masterlist ~

~~~~~

Aelin was so tired she didn’t know how she was conscious or functioning. The inevitable had happened, her precious little baby was sick. And she was left floundering.

It had started out fairly mild. Just a little bit of a runny nose and some irritability. The first few days had been next to nothing and Aelin had been able to cope fairly well. She was a little sleep deprived and a little anxious, but that was all and overall it hadn’t been too bad. And then Elsie didn’t get better, in fact she got worse, and everything flipped on its head. Now Elsie was coughing, often wheezing, a low appetite and a fever just to round it out. Aelin was doing her best and she managed to get Elsie to take some pain relievers that helped the baby sleep. The real issue was getting Elsie to eat enough, she was still only breastfed but Aelin fed her whenever she wanted, no matter when. It just felt like it wasn’t enough.

It had been two days of Aelin barely sleeping while fretting over her fussy daughter. Every cough and whimper had her nerves on edge, as did trying to placate to Elsie’s every whim. Aelin was battling this fight on her own. Her parents were on a business trip in Rifthold and she didn’t want to risk spreading the infection to Rue, and Korby was already sick. So Aelin would soldier on, in the trenches and on the front lines.

Seeing her daughter sick was heartbreaking. It left her with a deep feeling of helplessness, because at the very heart of it there was nothing Aelin could do to ease her baby’s suffering. Nothing seemed to please her and the best Aelin could do was hold her just about every minute of the day. When Elsie wasn’t attached to her mother she cried like her own heart was breaking. Aelin hadn’t showered in a good 36 hours and sustenance came from whatever she could make and eat one handed.

They were currently on Aelin’s bed with the pillows stacked so that she could lean back and rest Elsie on her chest so they were both mostly upright. Elsie fussed, fighting sleep, her little whimpers sounding congested. Aelin knew her daughter needed rest, it would be the fastest way to get better. A nap would do them both some good in fact.

“Come on, darling,” Aelin whispered, eyes closed like all her energy diverted to keep her mouth moving. “Just sleep, even for a little bit.”

Elsie protested, rubbing her face on her mother’s shirt, no doubt getting drool and snot everywhere. Aelin didn’t care, dirty clothes weren’t a concern right now. Keeping her eyes closed Aelin started to hum and there was a moment of quiet before Elsie started fussing again. She changed to singing You Are My Sunshine softly. That one almost worked but Elsie’s contentment only lasted about a minute. And then a song came into her head at random, and Aelin was singing it before she even realised what she was doing.

Beautiful Dreamer, wake unto me,

Starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee;

Sounds of the rude world heard in the day,

Lull'd by the moonlight have all passed away!

Beautiful dreamer, queen of my song,

List while I woo thee with soft melody;

The song was one Rowan used to sing all the time, one that his mother used to sing to him if he was to be believed. Aelin’s voice was weak and uneven, but she did her best. This song sounded better when Rowan sang it, his accent adding a bit of whimsy, almost making it sound like some kind of faerie lullaby.

Gone are the cares of life's busy throng

Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me!

Beautiful dreamer, out on the sea,

Mermaids are chanting the wild Lorelei;

Over the stream let vapours are borne,

Waiting to fade at the bright coming morn.

Beautiful dreamer, beam on my heart,

E'en as the morn on the stream let and sea;

Then will all clouds of sorrow depart,

Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me!

Elsie went quiet and Aelin let out a shaky sigh of relief. Finally, a reprieve. Aelin sang it again and Elsie stayed quiet, and half way through the third time the baby was asleep. Too tired to care, Aelin didn’t bother trying to open her eyes knowing that sleep was hovering over her. It was barely a minute later and she was asleep.

Something pulled Aelin to consciousness, not even realising how deep of a sleep she had fallen into. Within a few heart startling moments she would realise it was mother’s intuition. Elsie was still on her chest, awake and in distress. Her breathing was rapid and Aelin was sweating herself from how hot the infant was. Aelin’s body reacted first—tipping forward and cradling Elsie in her arms so that she could see her better.

Elsie’s breathing was deep and rapid and she was looking pale. One of her fists waved about, knocking the side of her head and ears. And then Elsie coughed, an awful sound that had Aelin’s insides twisting with panic. Her baby was unwell, severely unwell.

Aelin fumbled for her phone, her hand shaking from panic and exhaustion. She couldn’t manage the string of numbers so she went to contacts instead, tapping frantically on the one that simply read: Mum.

“Hello, hello,” Evalin said cheerfully, her face appearing on the screen.

“Mum, what do I do?” Aelin asked.

Concern flooded her mother’s features. “What do you mean?”

“She’s breathing so hard and her temperature is so high,” Aelin said, her voice heightened with her increasing alarm. “I just fell asleep for a second, just a second.”

Aelin was aware she was reaching hysterics but she couldn’t help it. Panic well and truly had set in and the overwhelming need to protect had taken over, except there was no physical threat. There was nothing she could do.

“Show me what her breathing is like,” Evalin said, the tension in her voice clear but she was trying to stay calm.

“It’s ah… it’s fast,” Aelin flipped the phone to show Elsie. “And she’s coughing and the pain medicine must have worn off because her fever is back.”

Elsie’s breath caught and she coughed, disrupting her breathing more. Two sets of worried turquoise eyes met each other through the phone screen. Aelin broke.

“Do I take her to the doctor or the hospital? How am I supposed to drive? I can’t watch her if I’m driving, what if she stops breathing?”

“Oh my sweethearts,” Evalin sounded devastated. “I’m sure she’ll be okay but I think you should take her to the hospital.”

Aelin sobbed, she couldn’t help it. She tried to keep it together but exhaustion and fear were overwhelming her—she was so alone right now.

“Aelin, don’t drive. Call someone to come get you,” Evalin said.

But Aelin’s brain was scrambled, no one immediately came to her. “Who?”

“Aedion, he’s the closest.”

“Yeah, okay,” Aelin said a bit weakly.

“Call him and then call me back,” Evalin said. “I’ll stay on with you until he gets there.”

Aelin hung up, then called Aedion straight away. She was holding her breath until she got an answer. Somehow she managed to be coherent and Aedion promised to be out the door moments later. Aelin was about to call her mother back when Elsie had a coughing fit, lasting so long that the baby vomited. It covered both of them and Aelin swore under her breath as she tried to contain the vomit and make sure Elsie was all right.

Elise cried and cried, her pain and discomfort obvious. Aelin tried to comfort her as she bundled Elsie up the best she could and headed for the bathroom, snatching a change of baby clothes from a clean washing basket on the way. There wasn’t time for a shower and Aelin didn’t want to risk the chill Elsie might get after. Aelin stripped the soiled clothes off both of them and threw them in the bathtub and then yanked down a towel to give Elsie a wipe down before dressing her in leggings and a long sleeved t-shirt. The crying hadn’t stopped and Aelin felt tears gathering in her own eyes. The helplessness was overwhelming.

“Aelin.” Aedion was standing in the doorway, his face tight as he took in the scene.

“She’s sick,” Aelin said, sniffling. Her brain was fried and she couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Yeah, poor thing.” Aedion’s tone was soothing, low and soft.

Aelin stood, keeping a safe hold on her daughter. “We gotta go.”

Aedion stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. “Hold on—’’

What was he doing, didn’t he realise they had to leave? Now. Aelin was about to verbally protest when Aedion gave her a look that had her biting back the words.

“You don’t have a shirt on, and you’ll need your wallet and the nappy bag.”

Aelin had been so concerned about getting Elsie dressed after the vomiting that she hadn’t got a change of clothes for herself. All Aelin wore was a crop bra and pyjama pants. She couldn’t go to the hospital like this.

“Pass her to me and go get what you need,” Aedion said, holding out his arms to take the baby.

Aelin nodded, passing Elsie over. “Clothes, wallet, bag.”

Over the crying Aedion repeated, “Clothes. Wallet. Bag.”

Aedion left the bathroom, murmuring to Elsie as she cried, but Aelin forced her brain to focus on what she needed to do now. She needed clothes, and her wallet, and stuff for Elsie. Three things and then they could go. In her bedroom Aelin threw on a pair of leggings and the first clean t-shirt she could find, also grabbing a sweatshirt because hospitals were always cold. Next she darted off to Elsie’s room, stuffing more clothes and nappies and a pacifier into the bag. All that was left was her wallet that was on the kitchen counter.

She found Aedion pacing between the living area and the edge of the kitchen, whispering to Elsie. Aelin was so focused on getting out the door that she didn’t notice the quiet at first. Her daughter was still whimpering softly but the desperate crying had stopped. It irrationally hurt to see Elsie settled when Aelin had been trying so hard—for days. Aedion’s eyes met hers over the top of Elsie’s head and he gave her a weak smile.

Aelin didn’t return it, too single minded to sort through her feelings. So she just grabbed her wallet from the bench and she was done. “Ready.”

There was a wordless agreement that Aedion would keep Elsie, at least until they got to the car. Elsie was content for the time being and there was no use disturbing her more than she needed to be, even though it caved in Aelin’s chest a little to keep the distance. Blessedly the elevator was quick to arrive and there were no stops down to the garage parking lot. Aedion unlocked the car, but Aelin opened the door and he eased Elsie into the car seat. As soon as the connection to her uncle’s chest was lost the crying started again. Each second seemed to drag on, and for a few of them Aelin waited just holding the door. When Elsie’s cry broke into a screech it kicked Aelin into gear and she was darting around to the other side of the car and climbed into the back seat.

“I’m here, baby girl. I’m here,” Aelin tried to soothe and Aedion finished up with the buckle. Elsie’s eyes peeked over at her, her bottom lip pouting. “Just hold on, we’re going. You’ll feel better soon.

The drive consisted of Aelin repeating assurances over and over again, words of comfort and keeping her hands on Elsie so she knew her mother was right there with her. When they got to the hospital everything passed in a blur. Aedion dropped her at the doors and Aelin hurried with Elsie through the doors. As a sick infant Elsie was seen within minutes.

Aelin felt like she was in a limbo as she waited for Elsie to be assessed. To help with her initial comfort they gave Elsie oxygen and put a monitor on her foot. Next it was quickly determined that she was at risk of dehydration so they attached an IV too. That was traumatic, and Aelin thanked the gods that Aedion was by her side when that happened. He was able to hold Aelin’s shaking hand and help keep Elsie still while the nurse injected the needle in her hand. Aelin wasn’t letting her daughter go, even if she barely had the strength.

It was nearly another hour before they got the full diagnosis. The doctor had introduced herself as Sorsha and Aelin had to hand it to her, she had an excellent bedside manner. She was patient with both Elsie and her mother while the stress was high. Her hazel eyes were kind and sympathetic, but she was assertive and clear every step of the way.

Sorsha delivered the news on Elsie’s diagnosis herself. She had RSV, which led to an ear infection and bronchitis. Aelin’s heart seized at the words but Sorscha assured her that it sounded scarier than it was. All three were common and treatable, and it was all caught early enough that there were no serious repercussions. And on top of that they had discovered there was a slight structural abnormality in the tubes that connected her ears to her sinuses which had been the cause of the ear infection. It had to do with drainage and bacteria, but Aelin had been too focused on fixing it that most of what was said went over her head. She was told Elsie would most likely grow out of the ear problems, she would just be more susceptible to more infections until she did. The doctor commended Aelin on her actions and left her to process what she’d just heard.

Aelin had done the right thing, Elsie was okay— just needed to be monitored.

They were moved from the ER department to a room in the children’s ward of the hospital because they would be staying for at least a few days. Aelin barely left Elsie’s bedside, and quickly fell back into the habit of barely sleeping. There was a reclining armchair for her to sleep in, a consideration made for those parents that would be staying with their children. But the constant beeping and noise of the hospital kept her awake, as did the anxiety over her daughter’s welfare. It didn’t help that every time Aelin started to drift off she was graced with dreams of Elsie screaming, or crying, or vomiting. She would startle awake, unsure of what was reality and what wasn’t, only to find Elsie sleeping soundly.

Aelin’s mother arrived around lunchtime on their first full day in the hospital, and it was only then that she managed to get a solid amount of sleep knowing that someone else had eyes on Elsie. She was unfortunately woken up about an hour later by a nurse coming in and doing another check. The consensus was that Elsie wasn’t declining, but she still needed to stay in for observation.

Evalin went out for food, which Aelin only picked at until visiting hours were over. Elsie’s condition had kind of plateaued instead of getting better. Everyone kept saying at least she wasn’t getting worse. What ate away at Aelin was that maybe she hadn’t done enough, that she hadn’t seen the signs earlier and acted too late. Maybe all this could have been avoided if she had been more vigilant. Aelin had been hanging by a thread so she hadn’t noticed how serious Elsie’s condition was. To punish herself further Aelin had googled the what ifs in those hours that she couldn’t sleep and was berating herself for letting it get this far to begin with.

Another night in the hospital was spent watching Elsie as she slept, sometimes fitfully in between medications. They gave her doses to keep her comfortable but it couldn’t take all her ailments away. The tiny girl still woke up in distress, crying from pain or discomfort from the IV, or coughing and waking up in an unfamiliar bed. Aelin was doing everything she could to make sure Elsie was comfortable and content. But it wasn’t enough.

A new day started and Aelin was still staring at her daughter, cataloguing everything. Her breathing was easier, but it still shuddered every once and a while. There was a slight decline in the frequency of the coughing fits and blessedly they deemed that Elsie was eating enough that she was unhooked from the IV, temporarily at least.

Evalin was their visitor today and had taken it upon herself to fill everyone in with the updates, using the group chat on Aelin’s phone. Lorcan was checking in incessantly, because guilt was riding him too. Unbeknown to everyone Korbin had RSV, and yes, it was the consensus that was where the sickness had come from. Elide and Lorcan had kept him home instead of coming to dinner that night, but it seemed that Lorcan had been the one to pass it on to Elsie. He felt awful and had sent Aelin numerous apologies, he even went as far as calling which was all but unheard of from him. Aelin told him it wasn’t his fault, reciting the statistics of how common infections were this time of year. It was winter, it was cold, people got sick.

All her friends were rallying to Aelin’s side, offering any and every kind of help they could—mainly in the offering of food to keep the visitors down in the hospital room. Her mother was in charge of crowd control, Evalin was a pro at managing people and telling them when to do things. That was probably the reason why the next guest arrived.

“Hey,” Fenrys said softly from the doorway.

Aelin nearly jumped despite the non-startling care he had taken. “Hey, Fen.”

“I’ve got some snacks,” he said, holding up a bag as he walked into the room. “How’s she doing?”

Aelin looked back at Elsie, who was sleeping. “She’s doing okay. Getting better.”

“That’s good,” Fenrys said.

Fenrys drifted over to where Evalin sat by the window, passing over the food and chatting quietly. Aelin didn’t bother to try and decipher what was being said, the beeping of Elsie’s monitor was too loud. As were the thoughts tumbling around in her head.

“Go home, Aelin,” Evalin said, snapping Aelin out of her trance. “She’s okay, I’ll be right here.”

“I can’t,” Aelin replied.

“You can,” Evalin’s voice was a little firmer. “Have a shower, get some clean clothes. I won’t leave her side, I promise.”

Aelin looked up to her mother’s face, seeing the honesty there. If she promised not to leave Elsie’s side, Aelin believed her. It would be hard but Aelin knew it was the right thing to do. She’d been in these clothes for two days and she hadn’t done more than wash her face.

“I’ll drive you, come on,” Fenrys offered.

Fenrys dropping by with food had truly been divine intervention or very purposeful planning. Aelin supposed it might be the latter. She might have been able to take her mother’s car, but she wasn’t too confident in her driving right now. With Elsie sleeping and Aelin didn’t want to wake her but she couldn't leave without pressing the softest of kisses to her daughter’s head.

On the way out to the car Aelin stopped by the nurse’s station just to let them know what was happening and that she would be back as soon as they could. They nodded along and promised to ring if anything occurred while she was out. When they undoubtedly saw the colour drain from Aelin’s face they told her nothing would, because Elsie was doing fine. It still left Aelin’s stomach in a tight knot.

Fenrys led her out to his car and opened the door for her. Aelin fingers drummed on her thigh as she waited for him to get in. The quicker they left, the quicker she could get back. The usually talkative man was silent on the drive back to her apartment and Aelin wasn’t sure if it was a blessing or a curse. She didn’t have the energy for conversation but the silence also left her alone with her thoughts. They swirled inside her mind, building and inflating into what felt like a treacherous storm.

“Want me to come up?” Fenrys offered as he yanked on the handbrake.

“Um,” Aelin's brain was foggy. “If you want?”

Fenrys looked at her for a moment and then made his decision. “I’ll come up.

As soon as they were out of the car Aelin had her keys in her hand, ready and waiting to get her to her apartment. Then it was just the habitual ride up the elevator and walk down the hallway.

Being inside her apartment had Aelin relaxing, even if it was just by the smallest amount. She wanted a shower, maybe some food, but then she found she couldn’t move from where she stood in front of her couch. Aelin’s tumultuous emotions were winning, try as she might she couldn’t hold them at bay any longer. She wrapped her arms around her body as the last defence of keeping herself together. It failed and a sob tore out of her before she could stop or flee to where no one could see her long held in breakdown.

“Aelin,” Fenrys said tentatively. She didn’t answer, she just cried harder.

Fenrys was moving closer and a little voice in the back of Aelin’s head told her to stop crying, wipe her face and smile. But she was tired and sad, her daughter was sick in the hospital and it was all her fault.

“Hey, come here.”

Arms that weren’t hers wrapped around her and Aelin was pressed against a hard chest. She let it happen, accepting the small gesture of comfort. Tears soaked Fenrys’ shirt, but he didn’t seem to mind, he just kept holding her until she was the one to call it. Aelin was embarrassed at how long it took her to calm down, and even then she couldn’t stop tears from gathering and falling down her cheeks.

“I’m okay, Fen,” Aelin murmured, not pulling away just yet though. “Sorry about your shirt.”

“I don’t mind,” Fenrys said. “You wanna talk about it?”

“I—” the words were choked on a sob. “This is my fault.”

“What? No.” Fenrys pulled back enough so that he could look down at her. “This is not your fault.”

Those words meant nothing, guilt and despair was all consuming. “It is. Because I am not enough for her. I let it go too far, I should have taken her to the doctor or the hospital sooner, but I was just so tired and I have no idea what I’m doing. Elsie is suffering because I am not enough. I am supposed to be everything that she needs and I failed her.”

“No, Aelin. You know that’s not true,” Fenrys said.

“It is. I should have seen the signs but—”

“Aelin, please listen to me,” Fenrys actually pushed Aelin back so that she could look her in the eyes. She couldn’t hold the eye contact, she turned away, eyes closing and squeezing more tears from her eyes. “Kids get sick, and you were everything Elsie needed. There is no doubt in my mind that you sacrificed just about all of yourself for her benefit. That was enough for her, but shit happens, things that are out of your control. That is what happened. Not you.”

Aelin exhaled, her body shuddering as she tried to wrangle some control over her emotions. She risked a glance at Fenrys’ face. This man was known for his perpetual joking and troublemaking, seeing him so serious was odd but comforting.

“You are more than enough for Elsie,” he said. “You always will be. We’re all here for you, the both of you, but you are all she needs.”

“How did I mess up so badly then?” Aelin’s tears fell with a new fervour.

“Because you’re new to this and you did do the best that you could. And when you had to, you asked for help,” Fenrys told her. “And RSV is so common, it’s something that they say is only a matter of time.”

“How do you know that?” Aelin asked, dabbing her nose on her sleeve as she finally felt brave enough to step away.

“I did my research once your mum let us all know,” Fenrys replied. “She’s awesome by the way, real cool lady.”

“I’ll have to tell her you said that, she’ll be flattered.” Aelin felt a bit lighter.

“What makes you think I haven’t told her myself?” Fenrys said cheekily. That made Aelin laugh and he tapped a knuckle in her chin. “There we go.”

“That’s gross, Fen. Who knew it would take you hypothetically flirting with my mother to break me,” Aelin's voice was shaky with laughter and withheld tears.

“Had to get you to listen to me somehow,” Fenrys said with a genuine smile.

“Um, watch TV or whatever,” Aelin waved at the couch. “I shouldn’t be too long.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

That question threatened to trigger a new wave of tears. Aelin had always been too independent for her own good, the last few days had proven that. So not wanting to set off another round she declined and all but fled to the bathroom and showered. It felt amazing and she was more than refreshed when she stepped out onto the mat and grabbed her towel. It was then she noticed that the vomit covered clothes had been removed. Someone had been in and tidied up, and instead of feeling embarrassed she just felt gratitude.

Dressed and ready to go, Aelin did a quick check of her phone to see if there were any messages. Just one, from her mother, letting her know Elsie had woken up but was content. Aelin knew that would only be for the time being she would have to get back as soon as she could to prevent a monster meltdown. She also noticed that it was mid afternoon on a Tuesday—time and space had no relevance in the hospital.

Fenrys was sitting on her lounge and Aelin shot him the question her phone had triggered. “Shouldn’t you be at work?”

“Nope,” Fenrys said, not looking over right away. Like he needed a moment to form his single word answer.

“But, it’s a work day. Don’t tell me you took it off for me.” If he had… it was just something else that she would beat herself up over.

Fenrys now doubt sensed her rising panic as it was broadcasted across the room because he said without hesitation, “I quit. Finally.”

Aelin remembered something about a game company seeking him out, but as far as she knew he had stuck with Stone City. “You what?”

Slapping his hands on his things once, he stood from the couch. “Come on, let’s get you back before your mum eats all the good snacks.”

There was something more going on here, Aelin could feel it. But she definitely lacked the tact to get it out in the right way. So she just nodded and grabbed what she needed. They stayed silent until they got to the elevator, right up to when Aelin started to fidget again. Fenrys hip checked her, making her smile.

“Remember what I said, okay?”

Aelin turned so that she could face him, finding him looking quite serious but still with that underlying playfulness which she decided to take advantage of. “What exactly? You say a lot and most of it is straight bullshit.”

Fenrys raised his eyebrows at her, like that was the most preposterous thing he’d ever heard her say. But then made a show of contemplating the words, making Aelin smile.

“You may be mostly right,” he conceded. “But you are everything and more to Elsie. You will always be enough, don’t forget that.”

Those words were said with such sincerity that Aelin felt her frayed emotions rise up again. She nodded and then turned away before the tears could fall. Fenrys, being the decent guy that he was, pretended not to notice. Damn him and his unfailing charm because despite herself, Aelin might just be starting to believe him.

~~~~~

It had been an uneventful few days at work. The company was in their post Yulemas lull, giving all the employees a slight breather. All their clients had blown out their budgets in the lead up to the biggest commercial season of the year and were now recuperating and re-evaluating their next steps. So, all Rowan had to do was maintain contact and scope out new clients, wooing them through stories of successes from the past few months.

The wider office outside his door was fairly quiet as Rowan read the company email that went out everyday. It was full of information he already knew, most of which he had some hand in as part of his managerial role. Skimming it, Rowan assumed there was nothing he needed to take note of.

And then he almost missed a memo, it was so short and brief and he’d been intent only glancing over the words. But Rowan’s eyes caught on a familiar name and that was enough to give him pause and to give it the time of day. His eyes went a bit wider and he even went as far as checking his phone like the answer would appear. It didn’t, all he had were email notifications from clients.

Rowan sat back in his chair, reading over the memo again. Fenrys had left Stone City Advertising. There was no explanation, just a short note that he was leaving that was meant to notify everyone else that there was no point in contacting him. Rowan didn’t know why, but none of his friends had said a thing about it. That unsettled him, and it also made Rowan question why he wasn’t notified as part of his role as manager. He picked up his phone ready to send a text off to Lorcan to ask him about the sudden departure when there was a knock on his office door.

It was Dresenda, a new hire. Maeve’s assistants usually had a two year job life span before they started to look for employment elsewhere. Rowan liked his job well enough but he would never want that job. “Hey, Rowan. Maeve just got in and she wants to see you.”

“Thanks,” Rowan said, standing and slipping his phone back into his pocket.

Maeve had been over in Terrasen, wooing a high profile client and from how long she was gone, it seemed like some sight seeing as well. It would be bitterly cold there this time of year. The end of January into February was when winter sunk its claws in. Snow would cover the city for days, maybe weeks if they were lucky. In Doranelle the weather was milder all year round, snow was a rare sight here. Rowan loved the cold, it had made Terrasen feel like home in a way—like that climate was made for him. All things considered it certainly didn’t feel that way anymore.

It was irrelevant, he was here—his life was here. His affection for the cold wouldn’t be enough to draw him back. Roman wasn’t sure there was anything that would lure him back to that city that had so painstakingly thrown him out.

~~~~~

Rowan should have been working. Not technically, but there were things he needed to do. It was a Thursday evening and he’d only left work half an hour later than everyone else with the plans to go home and finish off a few things before he went to bed. And he had opened his laptop and left it by the chair he planned to eat in… but then he’d got distracted. Rowan had made his dinner then had every intention of reading over some reports when he very randomly opened a website for one of the local department stores and was now scrolling through pages of children’s toys.

He didn’t know much about kids but he knew that they liked toys. His company had developed more than enough advertisements to appeal to the younger audiences to know that it was a very lucrative business to be in. What Rowan hadn’t been prepared for was the sheer amount of variety.

Dolls, building blocks, miniature kitchens, unicorns, plush toys. The list went on. His mother had mentioned that Elspeth’s birthday was coming up soon, and an idea had taken root. In his quest to get to know his daughter better he had the idea that he might buy her something. To him sounded dangerously close to bribery, but he was willing to try anything.

Rowan was cleaning up after his fairly late dinner when there was a hurried knocking on his door. He shook his hands off over the sink and then snatched the tea towel from where it hung on the over handle to dry his hands. The knocking came again, this time more urgently. Curiosity had him moving a little faster, wondering who was insistently trying to disturb his evening.

This time the knocking was short, sharp and hard.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Rowan muttered.

He swung the door open and the sight in front of him made his heart skip a beat. Aelin stood there, Elspeth cradled in her arms. The child didn’t look good, her skin was pale and her body seemed to be shuddering.

“She’s sick,” Aelin said, stating the obvious.

For a moment Rowan just stood there, trying to process. Then his brain kicked into gear, along with a healthy dose of panic. “What’s wrong?”

“I just need you to drive us to the hospital,” Aelin said, ignoring his question. “Please.”

“Yeah, of course,” Rowan wouldn’t press the issue—not when he could see the urgency of the request. “Just one minute.”

The door swung when it was released but didn’t close but Aelin didn’t bother with entering his apartment. All Rowan did was grab his wallet and keys and then found them waiting in the hallway. Elspeth’s head was now resting on her mother’s shoulder and Aelin swayed in place. There was a bag hanging off Aelin’s arm and taking that small burden was the first thing Rowan did.

Aelin rushed off to the elevator and Rowan followed. He kept a cautious eye on Elspeth, feeling useless as they waited. What he was trying to comprehend was that Aelin had come to him for help. It must have been a real emergency then if she wasn’t going to wait around for someone else. Or maybe, Rowan selfishly thought, this was progress.

The elevator finally arrived and Aelin stepped in, Rowan right behind her hitting the button for the garage. Elspeth coughed and then let out a whimpering cry. It was an awful sound, something in his chest twisted because of it.

“My keys are in the small pocket, we’ll take my car,” Aelin said, nodding at the bag Rowan held.

He found the keys, holding them in his hand so he was ready. Rowan wanted more information but he knew this wasn’t the time or place to ask, he would just have to silently manage his building concern. And even though he was being useful, he still felt a little helpless struggling with the unknown. He would drive them to the hospital and then what? What would happen to Elspeth when they got there? Would it just be a short stay or would it be longer? Would Aelin want him to wait? What could he realistically do to help in this situation when they got to the hospital? Rowan could feel the tension in his body building with each new question.

It wasn’t much longer until they were at the car. Rowan left Aelin to get Elspeth sorted and he dropped into the driver’s seat. His long legs were bent uncomfortably and he pushed the seats back. This brought him back to years ago when he would drive Aelin’s car. He always copped it afterwards if he didn’t put it back to the original position.

“I know, baby I know,” Aelin murmured as she strapped Elspeth into her car seat while she protested. “I know you don’t want to go but we need to make you feel better.”

Rowan monitored the progress in the rearview mirror. When Aelin sat back and clicked her seatbelt into the buckle he started driving.

Elspeth whimpered and complained, and he saw her reaching for her mother. Aelin lent over and kissed that little hand and gave Elspeth and her own to hold onto. “You’re okay, Elsie. I know it hurts, but we can make it better.

Rowan was tempted once again to seek some explanation over what had Elspeth so distressed, but it seemed he didn’t have to.

“She’s okay,” Aelin said, no doubt noting how Rowan couldn’t stop checking the rearview mirror. “I would have taken her to the doctor but it’s after house and the quickest and easiest way to get her seen is take to the hospital. It’s just a bit of a cold but they hit her pretty hard and I just want to get some things checked.”

“Poor thing.” Rowan couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“We manage.”

Those words were clipped and a little defensive and they had no need to be. Rowan wouldn’t come for her over this. Gods, seeing Elspeth so miserable and in obvious pain… Aelin was doing the best that she could. And it would have taken a lot for her to knock on his door for help. It stung a little that she would still assume he would think so negatively about her in that way.

It was ten minutes more before they reached the hospital and Rowan dropped them as close to the doors as he could. Aelin hadn’t said anything besides thanks before she left so Rowan wasn’t sure what he should do. Maybe he’d just wait in the car, but when he parked he saw the bag that Aelin had been left behind.

Rowan ended up in the waiting room, the bag keeping him company on the seat beside him. Neither Aelin or Elspeth were in sight, and he was glad that they were seen so quickly. To kill time he mindlessly scrolled through his phone, his mind too muddled to do anything productive. The bag next to him was all the prodding he needed to approach the reception desk and get whatever information they would give him.

“Excuse me, I was wondering if I could get an update on Elspeth Galthynius?” Rowan asked.

The woman at the desk gave him a polite smile and then clicked a few things. “She’s been moved to the children’s ward.”

“Her mother left a bag with me, am I right to take it through?” He held up the bag as evidence.

“No problem, go through.”

“Thanks,” Rowan said and then followed the signage to the children’s ward.

He was stopped again at those doors and he gave the same story and was let through without much fuss. They had also given him a room number so he kept an eye out for the right one. The door was open and he found Aelin sitting next to Elspeth’s bed, watching her daughter. There was a monitor bandaged to Elspeth’s hand and he noted there was an oxygen apparatus next to the bed that wasn’t being used. Besides that Rowan couldn’t decipher anything about her condition because Elspeth was asleep. Rowan could immediately tell that Aelin was less stressed and that was reassuring. She didn’t look ready to fight the nearest threat anymore, her shoulders were looser, the lines of her face more relaxed. He knocked and then stepped into the room.

“Hey, I just wanted to see if there was anything else you needed,” Rowan said, handing over the bag.

“Oh,” Aelin looked and sounded exhausted. “Um, no we’re okay.”

“Alright,” Rowan still hesitated. “Is anyone else coming? I can leave your car here and get myself back.”

“Shit, I didn’t even think of that. Take my car, Fen should be here soon,” Aelin replied, rubbing at her face. “Thank you, again.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Rowan moved closer so he could lower his voice. “What’s wrong?”

Aelin rubbed her hands on her thighs and swallowed hard. “When Elsie was just about four months old she got RSV, it’s a respiratory infection. Since then she’s been more susceptible to reinfection or getting a bad cough when she gets sick. She also has something a little off about the structure of the inside of her ears, so whenever she gets sick we usually get ear aches as well. Just… Overall she gets infections easier so I always want to make sure they get seen and diagnosed right away.”

Elspeth being this unwell explained why she had fallen asleep so suddenly on him the other day.

“Do they happen often? The earaches?” Rowan asked and Aelin nodded. “I had ear problems too, the eustachian tubes, Right?”

Aelin swallowed again, eyes darting from him to Elsie. “I didn’t know that.”

Rowan took a chance and sat down on the chair next to Aelin, feeling less awkward and imposing. “I used to get horrible earaches, so bad that I still remember them vividly. But I eventually grew out of them.”

Aelin just nodded, eyes fixed on a spot on the floor. They were quiet for a while and then Aelin laughed stiffly. It left Rowan a bit surprised and he didn’t know what he was supposed to respond with.

“It hurts so much to see her in pain and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s a sickening kind of helplessness,” Aelin explained. “I try… but it never seems good enough. She wanders off and licks the glass at work or something, or we go to the library and some random kid coughs on her.”

That comment made Rowan huff a small laugh, and to his surprise his response made Aelin lips quirk in a fraction of a smile. But it fell away too quickly and when Aelin looked to where Elspeth slept Rowan could see the unshed tears in her eyes.

“Last time you saw me I lost her and then there was her almost taking a solo ride in the elevator,” Aelin said. “I don’t know what it is but you seem to keep witnessing my worst mothering moments. I just—”

Aelin broke. Her breath caught and Rowan recognised her tell tale efforts she was dedicating to stop herself from crying. It stunned Rowan for a moment and he was about to tell her that these supposed failings didn’t affect his opinion of her as a mother, but he didn’t get the chance. From what he had seen, Aelin was a dedicated mother, this evening had been proof of that. Right now she was practically shaking—he could see the tremors in her hand from where it rested on the arm of the plastic chair.

He wasn’t sure what made him do it but he reached and took Aelin’s hand, squeezing it just a little bit.

“You’re doing great,” Rowan said, hoping she could understand how genuine he was.

Aelin looked from his hand to his face, reading his open sincerity. She swallowed, and she withdrew her hand to stop tears from rolling down her cheeks. Rowan was searching for something else to say when there was a knock on the door. Aelin’s head jerked towards the door, Rowan looking away from her to send his eyes in the same direction. A pretty doctor stood in the doorway, probably around Aelin’s age, her hazel eyes darting between him and Aelin.

“Dad, I assume?” she said.

“No,” Aelin said quickly. “I mean, yes. But no. Gods,” she muttered.

Rowan’s gut twisted at hearing that awful and hurried explanation. He didn’t dare contend it.

“Can we talk outside? I don’t want to wake her.” Aelin stood and was halfway to the door when she stopped. “Is this… you all right with this?”

Meaning being left alone with Elspeth.

Without hesitation Rowan gave his answer. “No worries, I’ll sit with her.”

An expression filled with mixed emotions appeared on Aelin’s face and then she followed the doctor out the door. Rowan was left alone in the room with Elspeth. It was quiet except for the quiet hum of the machines and Elspeth’s sharp intake of breath every once and a while. She was still asleep, laying on her stomach, her hand with the monitor attached resting beside her head. Her skin was still pale, but there was a rosy flush on her chubby cheeks. Every once and a while she took in a deep breath and it jerked her whole body, making Rowan start every time. He had never seen her this still, she was usually so energetic and it gave him the opportunity to study her.

She looked so much like Aelin. He could still recall the photos of her as a child that he had seen and Elspeth was like a mini double. But Rowan was also starting to see himself in her too. His mother had been right, the way her brow furrowed was like him and maybe there was something in the shape of her face that was like him. And there were her green eyes, of course.

Those eyes that opened now, lost and hazy for a moment before they focused on the unfamiliar room and what was weighing down her hand. Elspeth’s face fell, tears quickly gathering.

Rowan was out of his chair in an instant, panicking with the need to calm her down. “Hey, there sweetheart. It’s okay.”

That did nothing and tears ran down her cheeks as she raised her head up, no doubt looking for her mother.

“Hey, Elsie, it’s okay,” Rowan said, crouching beside the bed. He realised a moment later that was one of the few times he had said her name. But it seemed to get her attention. “Mum’s just outside, she’ll be right back.”

”Mama,” Elspeth just about squeaked.

“Yeah, she’s talking to the doctor, she’s still here,” Rowan assured her.

“Hurts, Rowan.” She remembered him and was saying his name a little better. Elspeth pulled on her ear. “Hurts here.”

So carefully, he pulled her hand away from her ear so that she didn’t irritate it more. “I know, sweetheart.”

Elspeth held onto his thumb, not even trying to go back to her ear. Her hand was so godsdamned tiny compared to his. She didn’t say anything, but did start to cry harder.

”Hey, hey,” Rowan tried to soothe, scrambling for something. “How about a lullaby, one from when I was small?”

She didn’t give a verbal response, just watched him with expectant and wide eyes. Rowan cleared his throat and then started singing.

Beautiful Dreamer, wake unto me,

Starlight and dewdrops are waiting for thee

Sounds of the rude world heard in the day,

Lull'd by the moonlight have all passed away

Beautiful dreamer, queen of my song,

List while I woo thee with soft melody

Gone are the cares of life's busy throng

Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me

Beautiful dreamer, out on the sea,

Mermaids are chanting the wild Lorelei

Over the stream let vapours are borne,

Waiting to fade at the bright coming morn.

Beautiful dreamer, beam on my heart,

E'en as the morn on the stream let and sea;

Then will all clouds of sorrow depart,

Beautiful dreamer, awake unto me

Rowan stopped singing and it seemed to have worked. Elspeth breathed a little faster and her eyes fluttered, but she was relaxed and happy. The smile she gave only reached half her mouth with her cheek squished on the mattress. Regardless, it was sweet enough to make Rowan’s chest tighten. It was beautiful in a heartbreaking way. She tried her hardest to keep her eyes open but they stayed close, and just like that she was asleep again. For longer than he should have, Rowan let Elspeth hold onto him, not wanting to lose the small weight of her hand just yet. It was only when he was sure she was soundly asleep and that moving away wouldn’t wake her, he did so. A little regretfully because he had been more than happy to offer her that small comfort as long as she needed it. He sat back in his chair and just waited.

Aelin came back into the room, shutting the door quietly behind her. “How’d she go?”

”She woke up for a second but then she settled,” Rowan said, some of that awkwardness from before still lingering.

“Thank you,” Aelin said.

Rowan couldn’t help the slight smile that tilted his lips, remembering Elspeth’s little smile. “I was no problem, Aelin.”

“I mean for everything.”

Rowan took in the way that Aelin stood with her arms crossed, but not with hostility. It was enough of a reprieve to prompt him to ask, “Why me?”

“You were closest,” was Aelin’s simple answer. “I might have been able to drive myself but I would be fretting. Everyone else is on the other side of the city right now and I don’t like to wait, not when it comes to her.”

”I would never have turned you down,” Rowan said. He almost added I hope you know that but Aelin answered before he could.

But he didn’t need to. “I know that.”

They fell into silence again, slightly awkward, but when weren’t things awkward between them these days? At least they’d expended most of their anger. Aelin shaking her head drew Rowan’s attention, and there was nothing he could think to say. Then he heard hurried footsteps and then the door opened. Fenrys stepped into the room, concern written all over his face.

“How’s she doing?” Fenrys asked, all his focus on Aelin and Elsie. Rowan wouldn’t have been surprised if his presence was going completely unnoticed.

“She’s okay,” Aelin said, as Fenrys met her at the foot of the small bed. “It’s her ears again.”

Immediately Fenrys wrapped an arm around Aelin, and it was over her head that Rowan was finally noticed. Fenrys’ dark eyes went a bit wide, but there was no other reaction besides that. Rowan shifted his attention back to Elspeth who was still soundly asleep thanks to his singing. Aelin and Fenrys were conversing quietly and it was apparent that he was no longer needed, so he’d excuse himself and leave.

“I’ll head back,” he said. “Hope she feels better soon.”

”Thank you, Rowan,” Aelin said again.

In response Rowan nodded, and with one last look at Elsie, he left. He didn’t get far before he heard his name being called. Turning, Rowan saw Fenrys walking towards him. It gave Rowan a chance to take the other man in—he looked dishevelled, his curls were messy and there was almost a frantic air about him. He must have raced from wherever he’d been, likely getting caught in traffic.

“Hey,” Fenrys said when he got close enough. “Thanks for bringing them here.”

This was the first civil interaction since the park and, like now, they had been in public. But this time there was no impactful audience here in the hospital hallway. Nothing about what Fenrys was doing right was performative, that much was very clear.

“Don’t mention it,” Rowan said. “Even if that was the least I could do, I was happy to do it.”

“I know.” Fenrys extended his hand. “I mean it. Thank you.”

This was strange for Rowan. Once upon a time he would have been Aelin’s knight in shining armour, now that role was taken by someone else. Fenrys’ affection for both Aelin and Elspeth was genuine, there was no doubt about that. And Rowan saw the hand shake for the peace offering it was. This was an offer for burying the hatchet once and for all, prompted on by gratitude.

Rowan had nothing to lose here, and everything to gain. Holding onto this grudge when he didn’t even have the full story of how things ended up the way they had was going to keep him from his goal. Rowan’s priority was Elspeth, any animosity that remained would only cause more damage to everything he was working so hard to build. More than that, seeing the way it had unfolded tonight, how many times had Fenrys been the one to step up when no one else would?

His daughter had benefited from that care and attention. That was the bitter truth of it, because Rowan was not there himself.

Rowan shook Fenrys’ hand. “It’s all good, Fen.”

Some of that tension lifted from Fenrys’ face, and a soft smile appeared instead as he glanced back to the hospital room. “I’ll let you go.”

”Look after them,” Rowan said and left before he got any kind of reply.

It was clearer than anything now, Elspeth—and Aelin— had everything they needed. And it wasn’t just a ride home for the hospital. If Rowan left tomorrow, the impact he would leave on Elspeth’s life would be next to nothing. She would go on and forget he existed. That didn’t sit well with Rowan. His daughter didn’t need him but Rowan was beginning to wonder if he was the one that needed her.

~~~~~

Rowan left and Aelin felt like she could breathe again. She had been thankful for the way he hadn’t even hesitated to get them to the hospital, but there was still so much tension when he was around.

“I’ll be back in a sec.”

Fenrys left, dropping a kiss on the top of Aelin’s head. She didn’t know what he had to say to Rowan and she was too tired to try and eavesdrop. It didn’t feel like her place to monitor their every interaction, not like it had before. All the volatile feelings that led to adverse reactions seemed to have worked themselves out. That was good, one less thing for her to worry about.

Her boyfriend wasn’t gone too long, and he ended up leading them over to one of the chairs, pulling Aelin down to sit in his lap. She’d been stuck in a trance watching Elsie breathe and hadn’t realised how close her legs were to giving out until they started moving. Aelin leaned into Fenrys, letting the closeness of his body and his steady heartbeat relax her. She dropped down a bit more so she could rest with her feet on the other chair.

“What happened?” Fenrys asked softly.

Taking in a deep breath Aelin explained everything. Elsie had been rundown for a few days, Fenrys had known that, he’d even been the one to point it out when he picked them up from the shopping mall the other day. It had started with a runny nose, then a cough, then this evening Elsie’s temperature had spiked and the earaches had started. Aelin knew what would happen next, the symptoms would escalate and so would Elsie’s distress. When her daughter was sick she would wind herself so much that it would exacerbate her cough, then she’d vomit and then it would go down from there. At the hospital they could put her on oxygen and give her pain relief, minimising the risk of dehydration and worse.

“Elsie was close to vomiting and I couldn't get her to keep the medicine in her mouth,” Aelin explained. “I weighed my options and Rowan was the best of them.”

”It was good of him to bring you two down,” Fenrys said. “I thanked him for it.”

”I did too,” Aelin said, then she laced her fingers with Fenrys’ and snuggled into his side. “So, it turns out that Elsie’s ear problems were inherited. From him.”

Fenrys huffed out a breath. “Guess that they have more in common than that frown, huh?”

“Mhmm,” Aelin hummed. Then she was silent for a long time, considering if she should say what she was thinking, knowing Fenrys would rally to assuage her doubts. But she couldn’t leave it, not when old insecurities raised their ugly head. “Do you think she might have suffered less if I had of known?”

Just as she knew he would, Fenrys wasn’t hearing a bar of it. “Chances are she would have had the same problems no matter what. Maybe we might have cottoned onto the cause a bit earlier, but don’t beat yourself up about it. Elsie is fine, she always is and always will be as long as you’re her mother.”

Aelin tilted her face up while Fenrys looked down at her. Her boyfriend was full of shit and she was about to tell him so when he stopped down and kissed her. “Don’t start. I’ll always win. I have years of evidence to counter every argument.”

“Fen,” Aelin said, her throat getting tight. “You’re too good to me.”

He kissed her again. “Maybe.”

There was a soft groan from the bed and Elsie stirred, her free hand rubbing at her eyes and she panicked for a moment while she tried to work out where she was. Aelin was instantly moving, sitting on the edge of the bed and smoothing a hand over Elsie’s hair.

“Hey, I’m here. We’re at the hospital, remember?”

“Where Rowan?” Elsie asked, raising her head up a bit, but that seemed to disturb her ear which she started pulling at.

Aelin gently pulled that hand away. “He went home.”

Her daughter looked visibly upset by that. “He sung me my song, Mama.”

“He…” it took Aelin a moment to figure it out. The lullaby she had stolen from him. “That was nice of him.”

“He’s my friend,” Elsie said with full confidence, as much as she could be in her sickly state.

Aelin didn’t know how to take that little bit of news, little did Elsie know that biologically he was much more than that.

“Uncle Fen!” She said when she saw who was seated behind her mother.

Fenrys gave the girl a smile full of adoration. “Hey there, Pumpkin. Not feeling good?”

Elsie shook her head. “Ears, uncle Fen.”

”We should get rid of them,” Fenrys said, making Elsie gasp.

”No.” she drew out the word, her voice hoarse.

“I’ll do mine to match.”

Elsie laughed and Aelin smiled along with her. But then her daughter’s demeanour changed to something more serious.

”Home, Mama?”

Aelin shook her head. “Tomorrow, my love.”

Elsie frowned in response, Aelin hated to see her upset.

”Can I come up there and give you a hug?” She asked.

Elsie nodded enthusiastically, and Aelin cradled her in her arms, rocking back and forth gently. Then she started humming the lullaby again, knowing that it would calm Elsie down immediately. Because Aelin had been singing it for years, ever since that first hospital visit. That lullaby had been one thing she could rely on to soothe her fussy child. While Aelin hummed her way through the tune she tried not to think about the unexpected and lasting effects the father of her child seemed to be having in not just her and Elsie’s lives, but what it might mean for him now as well.

~~~~~

I have no faith in the tagging system at the moment, for better notifications please follow @works-of-shyvioletcat

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charlizeed · 2 years ago

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behind the music with @taylorswift

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charlizeed · 2 years ago

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Rowaelin Month Day Twenty-One: Scars @rowaelinscourt

Find my Rowaelin Month Masterlist here

warnings: none except a joke of editing, ~1k words

Scars

Aelin sighed as she knelt on the stone floor of the washroom before her daughter.

It was mid afternoon and a gentle splash of sunlight cut through the window just behind them, illuminating the small room just enough. Wynne, youngest of her small brood and current biggest problem of the castle, sat on an old oak stool with her legs kicking idly out in front of her. The wood clicked and groaned as Wynne wiggled about, unable to stay still. She was barely five years old but already had enough attitude and energy for Aelin to wonder if it was possible for her daughter to be an exact replica of her. Maybe this was the gods' retribution taking place for all the chaos Aelin had caused in her youth.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Aelin asked. She dipped a rag in a bowl of water and tonic on the ground beside her before slowly raising it to Wynne’s knee. She’d dismissed the servants not long ago, telling them she'd see to her youngest daughter. It wasn’t well received. Especially considering Aelin had cancelled a delegation meeting with an advisor from Doranelle, but she’d just send Ren along with an apology and an old weapon from the stores and all would be forgiven. Hopefully.

Wynne wiggled again and Aelin reached out to put a steadying hand on her daughter’s shoulder. It was a firm touch, steady and significant. She met her Wynne’s eyes—emerald green.

“I was playing,” Wynne said slowly. She held up the edge of her dress and stared at the cut on her knee. Already it was welling with blood.

Aelin began to clean what she could, dabbing at blood and dirt. She tried to remain gentle, but Wynne flinched all the same. Her pale hair was falling out of the coronet of braids a maid had put it in just that morning. Fine wisps fell around the little girl's face in a halo.

“Right, you were playing in the stables which I’ve told you not to do,” Aelin said.

Wynne fisted her dress in her hands and looked down. “Meiri and Fin and Coilin were already playing in there too!”

“And papa is talking to them about that too,” Aelin assured her. Really the stables were no place for any of the children but Meiri. At fifteen, the eldest of Aelin’s brood, had begun riding lessons in earnest. But even if she were learning horse care and how to ride well, she shouldn’t have taken any of her siblings out to the stables.

Aelin wiped up the blood, being careful when Wynne winced again.

Wynne had yet to display what her magic would be so Aelin didn’t rely on any special healing magic for her daughter. It wasn’t strange for a fae child to not show any magic, Rowan had assured her. But even when she was still in the womb, Wynne had been different from all her siblings.

Aelin worked quickly and efficiently until she wrapped a clean bit of cloth over and around the knee. Then she leaned over and pressed a kiss to the bandage.

“Now,” Aelin said as she readjusted Wynne’s dress. “What have we said about going to places you're not allowed to go?”

“I wanted to see the baby pony,” Wynne murmured, she clasped her hands before her and looked through her eyelashes at Aelin.

Indeed a new foal had been born just two days ago. It was wonderful and excited and children just loved when new babies came around.

Aelin sighed. “Why didn't you ask papa or me to take you?”

“You've been busy.”

The soft admission cut at Aelin and it was her turn to look away. She remained kneeling at Wynne’s side, running her hand gently over the bandage. It was true she and Rowan had been busy. Tensions were running high with the witches even if Manon was an ally. And then the flooding in Doranelle which was why she was supposed to meet with Ren. Oh, and a large portion of farmland had been eaten away by locusts that summer. It was a strange phenomenon that didn’t happen often, but when it did it made things a bit more miserable than usual.

And Aelin had needed to deal with it. Rowan had been offering services to the training the army and even going on a few expeditions as of late. He’d long loved the journey and exertion in those sorts of adventures that Aelin couldn’t begrudge him that.

But here was little Wynne who just wanted to see the new foal.

“Oh, darling,” Aelin sighed. She stood and cupped Wynne’s face in her hands. “Papa and I will always be here for you. We always want to help you. But we have these rules for a reason.”

Wynne’s lower lip trembled and Aelin swept her daughter up, holding her closer to her chest. They stood like that in the small washroom for several minutes. Long enough for Wynne’s tears to subside and Aelin to hold herself together just a little longer.

She swung Wynne onto one hip, brushing stray hairs from her eyes.

“Papa and I love you with all our hearts, you know that right?”

Wynne nodded slowly and brought one hand up to Aelin’s cheek. The touch was gentle and sudden all at once that Aelin could only look into her daughter’s eyes and wait.

“Momma?” Wynne poked at one spot in particular on Aelin’s cheek where she knew was a scar from the war. “Am I gonna have a scar like you?”

Aelin swallowed. Oh Mala, she hoped not. “I don’t know, love. Maybe.”

“I just wanna be brave,” Wynne said. She snuggled herself into the crook of Aelin’s neck and sighed. “Just like you, Momma.”

Tears pricked Aelin’s eyes and she held her daughter tight against her. This beautiful little soul was already so strong. She was her own being in a world of voices already so loud and chaotic. But Aelin knew in her mother’s heart that Wynne would one day do great things.

“You are brave, love,” Aelin said, “brave and wonderful.”

And she meant it. With all her heart.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

not tagging to try and keep my sanity in tact lol what sanity

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charlizeed · 2 years ago

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Daydreaming About You

Rowaelin Month masterlist

@rowaelinscourt

Some of you may know this as the Teacher AU, the first fic I ever wrote! This story has a soft spot in my heart, but not its writing 🤣🤣 so I got tired of complaining and rewrote it. I still feel like something’s off HAHAHAHAH but the rewrite got worth sharing.

Warnings: mature talk, but SFW

Words: 1,6k

Rowan’s ass looked absolutely delicious today.

This classroom had a privileged view of one of the fields he used to teach his P.E. classes, and as the class’ monarch for the next forty minutes or so, Aelin decided to give her students an activity in pairs and subtly enjoy the sight.

His eyes were hidden by the cap, but she knew he was watching the students play like a hawk. The best part was when he ran along with them. His legs, as big as tree trunks, deserved all the appreciation Aelin gave them, and she couldn’t even begin to describe the sinful way his uniform’s trunks hugged his ass. His sweat was beginning to make Rowan’s shirt cling to his torso, defining his big, rock-hard muscles—

A throat-clearing made her jump on her seat, not expecting any student to seek her so soon.

“Sorry to interrupt, Miss G.” Evangeline’s smirk was way too wide for Aelin’s liking.

Feigning neutrality, she took the paper from the girl’s hand. “You finished that soon?”

“Yeah, yeah.” The girl waved her off. “Is it true that Mr. Whitethorn and Mr. Salvaterre are exes?”

“What? That’s ridicu—“ Aelin stopped mid-sentence, squinting her eyes at her student. “You know I shouldn’t talk about his personal life like this, Evangeline.”

She focused on another student who just got there, standing beside his classmate. Luca was looking out the window with wide eyes, his mouth ajar before he said, “When I grow up, I want to be just like Mr. Whitethorn.”

Aelin smiled, always pleased to see how much her students admired him, when she asked, “Reliable and efficient?”

”No. Jacked.”

Her mouth opened, then she snapped it shut, too afraid of voicing the things inside her head.

Aelin didn’t like to show to the students that her and Rowan were friends, let alone that she had a massive crush on him. Still, they caught up on it. Those little terrors always did.

It was no secret that Aelin and Rowan were best friends. Or that there were speculations about them. Some students even called them Rowaelin, for Mala’s sake. Rowan never expressed his opinion on the matter, and Aelin was secretly pleased people could see herself with him that easily, even though that kind of attention wasn’t appreciated.

The limits of what’s accepted inside a workplace gets far more flexible when it’s filled with teenagers, hence why some intriguing things tend to happen from time to time. For example, when they were the talk of the week because some students spread a picture of Rowan making poorly-interpreted heart eyes at her.

Truth was, Aelin’s love life would be a lot easier if Rowan was half as interested in her as people in this school suggested.

After the last class, she found Rowan and Fenrys, a math teacher, talking near the garage.

“Hey!” Fenrys greeted with his trademark grin on. “The Vaults tonight? I need a wingman.”

“You never really need a wingman.” Aelin wrinkled her nose. “And I have a bunch of papers to grade tonight.”

“But we had so much fun last time.” Fenrys leaned against the wall, arms crossed and a teasing gleam in his eye. “What about the guy from last week?”

“What guy from last week?” Rowan cut in, frowning with a strained expression.

"No one," she dismissed him before asking Fenrys about some school gossip. Guy From Last Week didn't get further than texting, and she wasn't in the mood to put up with Rowan's protectiveness over her love life.

Dating was easy until sophomore year of college. More precisely, until The Great Gatsbeer Party, when Aelin offered herself in a platter for him and was brutally turned down. But conversation kept going, and he soon became her best friend and favorite person.

She had been in love with him for years, so what? Aelin adapted, like she always did.

Rowan and Aelin were side by side, walking towards his car in the boisterous garage, loud with the chatter of students and parents who parked to get the little ones.

"I didn't know there was a guy from last week."

Aelin gave him a pointed look. "There was a guy from last week. We texted a little, he told me Taylor Swift is overrated, I ghosted."

"Okay.'" He darted a quick glance her way. "Sorry. I didn't mean to pry."

She snorted, finding some sort of amusement in Rowan's unease. "Yes, you did."

"Wanna grade papers together, then?" He asked, changing the subject.

"Sure. And Mario Kart when we're done."

Aelin wasn't the biggest Mario Kart fan, but it became their thing over time. She was competitive enough to get a thrill when she's playing, and Rowan liked it a lot.

Rowan absolutely hated Mario Kart.

He wasn't as into video games as Aelin, but he loved to watch it when she shouted in front of the screen or threatened to end his bloodline when she's losing.

She's such a sore loser, his Fireheart.

A loud moan coming from the kitchen interrupted his thoughts.

“I love you."

Rowan closed his eyes, trying to calm down his boiling blood. He could deal with the love declaration, but not the moaning.

"Aelin, stop flirting with the cake," he shouted, making sure she'd hear him from the other room.

They'd decided she'd grab something to eat while he got the video game ready, and now Rowan was just waiting for her.

He wandered around her living room, analyzing her decoration for the millionth time, but only stopped when he got to his favorite piece.

A framed pamphlet of the party they met, his housewarming gift to her a few years back. Reminiscing about that life-altering day always brought a smile to his face.

“Aelin Galathynius. Hi.” She was swaying, but found her balance again by supporting herself against the wall. Aelin’s expression was earnest when she said, “I find we’re equally hot, and now I’m yearning to sing the passionate chant of the sacred nuptial rite with you.” Rowan was stunned silent, but she still extended a hand to him before announcing, “And I’d be honored to caress your one-eyed trouser snake.”

Rowan shaked his head, chuckling at Aelin's antics in college.

In his darkest moments, Rowan cursed himself for not making any kind of romantic advance, since he did nothing but talk to her and make sure she didn't do something she'd regret the next day. But at the same time, at least he didn't become one of the many men she got bored of after a few weeks and discarded.

She was so picky with the people she got romantically involved with, letting them go for the smallest reasons such as playing Mario Kart with Waluigi, Rowan probably ruined his chances with her at least twice a day.

He sighed, leaving her bookcase to sit back on the couch. There would be no getting over her with his daily dose of Aelin's tight skirts and sweet smiles, and Rowan was too weak to keep enough distance to not be in love with her.

If Aelin wasn't interested in him sober, he had no choice but to pine after her for the rest of his life.

His attention drifted to her coffee table, noticing her kindle didn't have its case on. Again. Typical Aelin. He grabbed the case to put it back on the device—

Rowan froze when he read the book cover.

Friends with Kinky Benefits.

With an increased pulse, he looked around to make sure Aelin wasn't close and turned the kindle on, curious.

It seemed to be just a story about a girl longing to find the dom of her dreams, who ends up having sex with her guy best friend—and lots of toys—over and over again, for almost 200 pages.

Holy rutting Mala, is this what she gets off on?

Rowan skimmed through the book, electrified with a newfound line of thought.

Is this something she daydreams about? Aelin could ask him if that's the case, no need to be shy. Rowan's feelings for her were deep and romantic, yes, but he was still a man. Even when taking a purely physical step with Aelin would inevitably break his heart

"Buzzard..."

He jerked towards her, barely breathing with the awareness that he was caugh red-handed snooping in her kindle. But Aelin looked stiff, her eyes darting between him and the kindle. "What're you doing?"

Rowan relaxed a little realizing a moment later that in Aelin's head, she's in a worse position than he is.

He smirked. "I always knew your books are steamy, but I never expected them to be so kinky too."

Those words were enough to make Aelin regain her movements, and she flung herself towards him. "Give me that!"

Rowan wasn't quite sure what made her so flustered, but he flailed his arm around, preventing him from getting the kindle back.

"But I was just beginning to understand how a cock cage works!" he mock-complained.

“Fuck you!”

With that, Aelin jumped at him on the couch while Rowan tried to hide the kindle behind him. To get the thing from behind his back, she pulled his hair and that's when time slowed down.

Aelin was straddling his thighs on the couch. One hand connected with his, both holding the kindle, and the other roughly grabbing a fistful of his hair.

Rowan's heartbeat became erratic, and Aelin didn't look much better. Her lips were parted, her skin flushed. She blinked, her eyes searching for him as he desperately looked for any cue in her. A hint, a green light, an invitation.

He leaned in, giving her time to recoil. She didn't.

A tiny bead of sweat broke from her temple, running down her jaw and throat in a path Rowan longed to trace with his tongue.

He stroked her cheek with his thumb, another hint of his next step before he—

The crickets of Aelin's ringtone shattered their moment, and seeing who the caller was made Rowan's muscles tense.

He was going to kill Fenrys.

A/N: @leiawritesstories and I are probably the only people who care about this fic so far, so I sneaked an inside joke ours in there. So this A/N is a little nod to Leia. iykyk. Ily Leia.

You can get notified when I update by either turning notifications on for @backtobl4ck-fics or entering my (sometimes glitchy) tag list!!

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charlizeed · 2 years ago

Text

Set Up - Part 6

A/N: Well, well, well... here we are again. I won't ramble, but let's thank Rowaelin Month and @rowaelinscourt for prompting the completion of this chapter. BUT PLEASE NOTE TAGS ARE NOT WORKING

CW: Mild swearing and smut, of course

~ Set Up Masterlist ~

~~~~~

This time being apart felt different. Maybe seeing so much of each other had ruined what had been enjoying in such a carefree way for so long. Now, whenever Aelin thought of Rowan something twisted in her chest. That week brought them closer than they’d been in a long time and highlighted some things Aelin was missing in her life.

A boyfriend was the simplest way to put it, delving further would only lead to questions Aelin did not want to answer. She was being dramatic, due to her recent bout of being alone no doubt. Spending all that time together had left her spoiled and craving more. Rowan wasn’t the answer and not a consolation for her loneliness. He deserved better than that, better than her. He’d always talked about wanting a perfect little life, with a family and white picket fence to boot. Aelin couldn’t give him that. Their lives had split down two different paths that only crossed whenever fate was kind. For all parties involved it was the best way to leave. It was just fortunate that they had been found out.

Aelin had spent nearly a month screening her calls and messages from nearly everyone outside of work. Even though she had explicitly told her mother she didn’t want to talk about the situation between her and Rowan, Evalin Ashryver Galathynius was never one to give up. The innocent calls and texts that asked about work and how Aelin was doing always seemed to take a turn in his direction. It had got to the point that she just completely ignored any mention of relationship related things. Even her dad who tended to keep neutral ground had dropped a few hints here and there.

By far Aedion was the worst, mainly because he had gone and opened his fat mouth and blabbed to Lysandra about what he had seen. Her best friend turned cousin’s girlfriend had been begging for details, some of the obscene kind. Aelin had given over a few, just to placate her but then refused anymore. The more information she gave, the more likely it was to be used against her.

The hardest contact to filter through had been Rowan’s. There had been an obvious shift when it came to him and it was confusing to say the least. Aelin didn’t know if it was because they had been found out or if there had been a change in their dynamic, or if it was as simple as her missing him. Whatever it was, Aelin found herself pulling away. Rowan’s texts weren’t anything out of the ordinary. He sent through casual enquiries about how she was doing, frustrations about work and funny pictures to make her laugh. Aelin wasn’t replying as much as she usually did, but hopefully Rowan didn’t notice. He didn’t deserve to suffer for whatever was going on in Aelin’s head.

What had heightened every uncomfortable aspect was that work had been godsdamned awful. They had launched into planning the peak event season and everyone was working their asses off trying to come up with fresh ideas for the companies who employed them. Aelin was exhausted and left with very little brain power once she left work. She was drained and didn’t need work fraying the remaining threads of her personal life.

Aelin was in the middle of decompressing, sprawled out on her bed and eating an unhealthy amount of chocolate. Since arriving home maybe half an hour ago she had steadily paced herself and only eaten half a block while she mindlessly scrolled through videos on social media. If cute animals and spicy book snippets hadn’t been there to distract her she might have downed the entire thing by now and felt sick for her reckless efforts. When a call for a video chat flashed up on her screen Aelin nearly dropped her phone right on her face.

Once the risk of injury was removed Aelin registered who was calling. It was Elide, someone who wouldn’t be full of prying questions which was a welcome relief. Aelin hit the accept button before it rang out.

“Hello, hello,” Aelin said, trying to sound cheerful but it didn’t quite get there.

“Good evening, I need your help.” Trust Elide to cut straight to the point.

“With what?” With her interest piqued, Aelin sat up.

“I have a date and I don’t know what to wear,” Elide said.

“Ah, okay. Show me your options.”

This was a common occurrence and Aelin waited as Elide set her phone up to get a full body angle. She disappeared from the frame for a moment before returning, dressed in a fluffy robe and holding three outfits on coat hangers.

“Option one,” Elide held up a knee length, dark purple dress to her body. “Two.” The second dress was all black and form fitting. It was one of Elide’s riskier outfits and she almost hadn’t bought it, and it took both Aelin and Lysandra insisting she looked drop dead gorgeous in it for her to buy it. “And three.” Dress three was in light blue with a fitted bodice and puffy sleeves.

“Okay, these are three completely different vibes. What are we actually going for?” Aelin asked.

With a heavy sigh, Elide sank onto her bed. “I don’t know.”

She tried the pragmatic approach. “Well, what are you doing?”

“Dinner first, and then we’re going to the movies. But the fancy ones with the recliners,” Elide explained.

“Option two is out because half the night he won’t even be able to see it and it’s a waste of an outfit,” Aelin said.

“But I look so good in it,” Elide protested.

“Yes, that’s why it’s worth saving,” Aelin rebutted.

“Okay, you’re right. So, purple or blue?” Elide held up the remaining options.

Aelin thought for a moment, eyes darting between the two dresses. “Purple. The blue is a little short and you don't want that scratchy fabric on your thighs.”

“Gods, you’re right,” Elide said. “This is why we’re friends.”

Aelin laughed. “The only reason. So, who is this hot date?”

At this distance from the camera it was hard to tell but Aelin could have sworn Elide blushed. “We’ll see how this date goes and then I’ll tell you.”

“Elide Lochan, a woman of mystery,” Aelin teased.

“Stay on while I get dressed,” Elide said, disappearing from view. “We haven’t caught up in a hot minute.”

“We haven’t.” The air left Aelin’s lungs as she heavily flopped down on the bed. “I’ve been so busy with work and stuff I just feel like I have no time.”

“Aw, sweetie. That sounds like no fun at all,” Elide’s voice was full of sympathy.

Aelin left out the constant badgering of her family and the extra weight that was adding to everything, and also the weird sense of loneliness she hadn’t felt since she had first moved to Rifthold. Those were things she didn’t want her overly perceptive friend’s commentary on.

“You’ll have to have enough fun for the two of us,” Aelin said. She was about to complain about work some more when a message popped up at the top of her screen. Her heart skipped, or maybe it was her stomach, it happened so suddenly Aelin couldn’t determine which part of her body was doing summersaults. The text was short and succinct, and so perfectly Rowan.

>> I’m coming to Rifthold this weekend. See you then.

He would be in her city, in less than 48 hours. Like always, there was no question of whether or not they would see each other. They had been at this for so long it was presumed without question for them to meet up and do what they did best. A text like this usually led to excitement and thrilling anticipation, and that was there. Except this time there was a little bit of trepidation sneaking in as well.

“What’s that face?” Elide’s question cut through Aelin’s thoughts.

“Huh?”

Elide’s face took up the screen, a dark brow raised in question. “The face you’re making right now. What’s that about?”

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” Aelin tried to assure her.

“Spill, Aelin,” Eldie demanded.

Aelin considered the benefits of divulging just a little bit to Elide. It might just relieve a little bit of pressure that keeping all this to herself was building up. She didn’t have to admit to what she and Rowan got up to, maybe she could just circle around the set up they’d been subjected to.

“I just got a message from Rowan,” Aelin said. “He’s coming this weekend.”

“Oh, good,” Elide sounded downright gleeful. “Maybe getting laid will help with some stress relief.”

Aelin laughed until she realised what her friend had said. “What?”

“Work won’t seem like the worst thing in the world while Rowan is blowing—’’

Aelin shot straight up. “Wait, you know? How? Who told you?”

Dark eyes stared through the screen. “You’re not as subtle as you think you are. No one told, I just found it really weird that at the bar Rowan came back from the bathrooms with a massive hard-on and you followed after him two seconds later.”

“I…” for a moment Aelin was at a loss for words. “You couldn’t have seen that.”

“True,” Elide said with a shrug. “But his face certainly looked like he had one.”

Aelin wanted to bury her face in her pillow. “Who else noticed?”

“Our friends, bar myself, are not as observant as you’re giving them credit for,” Elide assured her. “I was going to wait for you to tell me, but I jumped the gun because that look on your face doesn’t look like pure excitement.”

“It’s complicated,” Aelin admitted.

Elide scoffed. “Yeah, banging your best friend usually is.”

“It was all fine and dandy until this last trip, we saw each other way more than we usually do and our mothers very insistently tried to set us up on more than one occasion. So things were different, and I don’t know… I think I miss him. More than any other time before.”

That was it, she missed him, that’s all there was to it. Saying it aloud solidified the thought in her mind. The hesitation came from the fact this visit was happening so soon. Usually it was months before they saw each other, their travelling for work between cities wasn't frequent. Too much time together on this last trip was to blame for everything. There were too many heightened emotions and now they were lingering and causing trouble. Why couldn’t they just keep things as they were? Simple, easy, no pesky strings attached.

“So…” Elide hedged, “you’ll be telling him no this time?”

Aelin considered it for a moment. She could just say she already had plans because it was so last minute. That would give her the distance that she probably needed to start thinking clearly again. But with Rowan in the same city, could she really bring herself to stay away?

“No, I’ll see him,” Aelin decided. “It would be weird if I didn’t. And you’re right, maybe a little bit of recreational sexual activities will help with the stress.”

“And you’ll stop missing him,” Elide added. “For the time being, at least.”

Aelin nodded. “True. Well, I won’t keep you from your date any longer, but I want you to know I’m slightly insulted that you won’t tell me who it is.”

“You’ll get over it. I love you,” Elide said in that brutally succinct way of hers.

“I love you too,” Aelin said through her laughter. “Have fun.”

They both said a final goodbye and Aelin hung up. A new feeling of clarity settled over her. All this turmoil over Rowan was pointless. All it really came down to was that during their last set of rendezvous Aelin had been spoiled for company and now she was just dealing with going without. She was overreacting and she blamed work and meddlesome relatives not giving her a moment’s peace. Work she couldn’t do much about besides just getting it done. But she’d be having words with her mother about how butting into her love life was well and truly off the table. Especially if it was going to do a number on brain like this, not if it was going to ruin the friendship she valued most. What she and Rowan had was perfect the way it was—it was exactly what the two of them needed. It was up to Aelin to ignore everything else to keep it that way.

~~~~~

Rowan was a desperate man. He had hounded his boss from the moment Aelin left for some opportunity to be sent to Rifthold. He was knocked back so many times that he’d been trawling through commissions himself to find just the slightest excuse. When he got the call that one of the museums in Rifthold they worked with needed a consult Rowan was thrown the job out of pity. Or maybe it was to get him to shut up.

In the end, Rowan couldn’t care less. He was going Orynth, and he was so caught up on the fact that he would be seeing Aelin again that work hardly mattered to him. Aelin was all he cared about. Telling her how he felt was more important than an upgrade to the mediaeval wing of the museum.

Nearly every night since she’d left he had to talk himself down from booking his own ticket and flying out. That wasn’t the way they did things and Rowan had no idea what Aelin felt. if he showed up out of the blue there was a decent chance he would scare her or himself off. As tempted as he was to make some big grand gesture, there was too much history between them for that kind of action. There were obstacles and things they would need to sort out before they moved forward, none of which would be easily overcome. Their situation was complicated, and complicated required caution. Rowan had to convince himself more than once that keeping it business as usual was the best choice.

All those semi sleepless nights didn’t matter now, because at this very moment he was checking into his hotel room. It was late Friday evening, the trip was so sudden that he had to leave after work. Rowan would spend Saturday meeting with whoever it was at the museum he needed and then he would be able to see Aelin. His lack of focus was a serious indicator for how flippant he’d become over this particular job. Any other time he’d have the client’s names memorised, would have gone over his notes and designs a hundred times. Instead he’d spent most of his time looking at his phone waiting to see what Aelin had to say.

She’d agreed to meet up but had let him know that work had been insane and things might be a little up in the air. Rowan didn’t mind in the slightest. All that mattered was talking to Aelin and he was determined that this would be the trip to do it. There was no more wasted time, he was in love with her and it was as simple as that.

The daylight hours of Saturday were all but meaningless. Rowan managed to keep himself professional for when he needed to and presented his plans without flourish. After that he returned to his room and became no better than a teenager—phone in hand and eyes glued to it. He tried not to get too disappointed every time that Aelin pushed back their meet up time to a little later. At first they were meant to meet before dinner, and then it was for dinner. Rowan was about to leave for the restaurant when a text came in with a heartfelt apology from Aelin saying that she wouldn’t make it. His heart had stopped in his chest because he thought she was cancelling altogether, but she finished off with a promise she’d come to him and to just send her the address.

Rowan had done exactly that and ordered in. He tried to watch TV while he waited. The channels were limited and he couldn’t be bothered to go through the whole process of logging into a streaming service, so he just let a renovation show play while he ran through everything he needed to say to Aelin. He debated back and forth over the merits of starting with I love you and going from there. This current round he was against it, a case of too much too soon. There was still the unanswered question of how Aelin felt and that was what the axis of his entire future existence spun on.

And then finally there was a knock on his door.

Launching would be the best way to describe Rowan’s departure from the bed. It was a single room accommodation, with a bed, desk and small attached bathroom, so it was only a matter of seconds until he had his hand on the door handle. Rowan took in one deep breath to ready himself, swinging the door open and he found her.

Aelin stood there, a tired smile on her face and still dressed in her work clothes. She had a large bag over her shoulder that most likely contained clothes for the night. As Rowan looked at her now, taking in every inch of her, he wondered how he had been able to suppress his feelings for so long.

“You gonna let me in, hotshot?” Aelin asked, a hand rising to her hip. “Or am I booking my own room?”

“Yeah, sorry.” Rowan stepped aside, hoping he didn’t come across as awkward as he suddenly felt.

Aelin gave him a look like she might be questioning his sanity before walking into his room. Rowan shut the door behind her and withheld the need to hold her—to kiss her senseless and confess every little thing that had built up over these weeks apart. She stopped by the little table, picking at his leftover pizza.

“Do you mind if I use your shower? I feel a little gross after such a long day,” Aelin said, chewing over a piece of pepperoni.

“Of course,” Rowan said, gesturing at the bathroom door.

Aelin disappeared a moment later and once again Rowan had to wait. The buzz of the shower added to the sounds of the TV, and he didn’t bother to change the volume. He didn’t care about the clashing wallpaper or bedding choices. Rowan just lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling fan. Last time he’d seen one of these in a hotel room his pants had ended hanging over it. He didn’t know whether he should be hoping for a repeat performance or not.

The shower shut off and Rowan’s body thrummed with anticipation. Soon enough Aelin would be here, in his arms, and he could admit to how he felt. They could talk and they would figure out some way to make their situation work. The door creaked open after what seemed like a lifetime and Rowan sat up. Aelin stepped out of the bathroom, dressed in an oversized t-shirt with her damp hair loose around her shoulders. She’d washed off all her make-up, but she wasn’t any less beautiful.

“Work has been the worst,” Aelin nearly groaned, heading to the minibar and pulling out a bottle of beer. “I know this will cost you like $50 so I’ll pay you back.”

“It’s fine,” Rowan said, he’d give her just about anything right now if she asked for it.

Aelin took a few decent mouthfuls then left it on the table along with the pizza. Then she stalked over to him, stopping right in between his knees. Her hands rested on his shoulders, fingers playing with the ends of his hair.

“Aelin,” it felt so good to just say her name, to see her face soften just the slightest when he did. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

Rowan’s breath caught as Aelin brought her body flush against his. The fingers in his hair tightened, angling his face upwards so he could watch her whisper, “I don’t want to talk.”

She kissed him and Rowan could never deny her. After what must have been a hellish day this is what Aelin needed from him. To be touched and made to forget about the world outside this hotel room. Rowan could give her that—gladly. And he just told himself the same thing he’d been repeating over the last few weeks. He could wait a little longer.

~~~~

Rowan’s lips were soft as they met her’s, and Aelin sighed at the feeling that swept through her body. His hands were a steadying and familiar weight on her waist. Sometimes it was a shock as to how big they were, it took her a moment to remember just how much of her they could touch at once. Those hands that were always gentle, always making her feel cherished in every caress, that was no different as he pulled her down into his lap. Aelin straddled his hips, thighs tightening as she felt him through his sweatpants. It was flattering that only a few kisses and fleeting touches were all it took for him to be so hard and ready for her. She was almost impatient enough to tug his sweatpants down to free his cock, riding him hard and fast. But then it would be over too soon and Aelin might just be too tired for another round. So, instead she’d let him draw this out like he’d like to do to make every moment count.

This was exactly what she needed, a wonderful, all consuming distraction.

She whimpered as Rowan’s grip flexed on her waist, and then again when his hands travelled lower. In her overnight bag in the bathroom there was a nice little set she had planned on wearing but after a long soothing shower the idea was just too uncomfortable. So she’d gone without and as Rowan’s fingers dipped under the hem of her t-shirt he was about to discover how little she actually wore.

“Aelin,” he groaned as the pass over her hips revealed no trace of underwear. “You’re… I’ll never be able to explain it.”

He was rambling, and that was sweet, flattering even. But it wasn't nearly enough by a long shot. Aelin ground down on the hard length of him, using actions rather than words to beg for what she needed. Rowan got the hint. Holding her thighs he changed their positions, laying her softly down on the bed. They worked in sync, taking turns to remove each other’s clothes. Aelin ran her hands over exposed and heated skin, tracing over dips and curves she had memorised so many times before.

“Touch me, Rowan,” Aelin said in between kisses.

Rowan didn’t answer, he only pushed up enough so that he could run a hand down her body right to the middle of her thighs. Aelin gasped as he teased her with sweeping passes of a knuckle over her centre, making her buck and writhe until his thumb pressed down on her clit. Her moan was next to nothing with Rowan’s mouth on her’s, only muffled and needy sounds escaped as they were smothered by kisses.

Their first round after being apart was always frenzied, desperation dictating their actions. Aelin expected the same, but this wasn’t. Rowan was slow and thorough, with his lips and his fingers—it was a delicious kind of torture. One finger, and then a second, slipped into her while his thumb drew unhurried circles around her clit. Heat flooded Aelin’s cheeks as her body reacted to the touches that were both too much and not enough. He was keeping her right on the edge, waves of pleasure cresting but never breaking.

When he did it again, her body tensed as it prepared to let go and Rowan stole it away, had Aelin nearly sobbed out of frustration. “Please, Rowan.”

Rowan kissed her lips, tongue sweeping into her mouth for a dirty kiss. “Please what, Aelin?”

There was a hint of sass to his voice, and by the gods did Aelin rise to the challenge. She hooked a knee over his hip, urging him down so their bodies were flush. When she returned the favour of a kiss she made sure to bite at his bottom lip. “Fuck me, Rowan.”

He didn’t need much more convincing than that. Moving his hand and with a subtle shift of his hips Rowan pushed in, taking his time. Aelin’s hips rolled, coaxing him deeper.

“You feel so perfect.” Rowan sounded relieved and a little overwhelmed. “Every time.”

He cursed colourfully as he pressed his face into the crook of her neck. Aelin couldn’t help it, she laughed, her reward was a bite—right where the juncture of her shoulder and neck. It had her moaning and arching into him. Rowan knew exactly where her buttons were and now she was panting with desperation for him to do something. Anything.

Rowan didn’t make her wait, a hand high on her thigh kept her in place as he began thrusting. The angle of his cock was perfect, as it always was, and it led Aelin right into her greatest wish of the night. A beautiful distraction. Everything was Rowan, she was consumed by him. Their bodies moved synchronically, both wanting to give as much as the other. A hand that was not her own found Aelin’s breast, fingers rolling the hardened peak.

“That’s it,” Rowan whispered into her ear, the softness of his voice raising goosebumps over her skin and heightening every sensation. “You want to come. You deserve it.”

That little bit of encouragement was all she needed. Aelin broke, pleasure overtaking every sense in her body. Rowan pressed soft kisses to the length on her neck and face. His hips kept moving, drawing out her orgasm as long as he could. After a few long, bliss filled moments Aelin’s awareness returned to her.

“So beautiful,” Rowan all but hummed as his gaze swept over her, his next thrust sharper.

She could feel that Rowan was close, so she guided his face back to her and kissed him. Rowan groaned, losing his rhythm but it still felt just as good, so much so Aelin could feel herself building up again. He pulled back enough to look at her face. Their eyes connected, Rowan’s green gaze holding an intensity that had Aelin flushing with something closer to embarrassment than desire. The eye contact—it was too much. There was something there she hadn’t seen before. Her brain was far too distracted to decipher it so she went with the easiest option to cope.

“Gods, Rowan,” Aelin breathed, eyes fluttering shut, refocusing on how he felt on every inch of her skin.

“Open your eyes, love,” Rowan urged. He gave her a sweet kiss for extra encouragement.

So caught up in him, Aelin couldn’t help but do as he asked. What she saw when she looked up at him had her heart pounding in her chest, a new wave of need crashing over her. It tipped her over the edge again, her body tightening before her core pulsed, bringing Rowan right along with her. He moaned deeply, the vibrations of it thrumming over her sensitive skin. Aelin clung to Rowan, waiting for her breathing to even out and sense to settle in her brain. She didn’t think she’d ever tire of sex with Rowan, nothing else even came close.

He had his forehead resting on her collarbone, just as wrecked as she was. Lips dragged over her skin and his next words were whispered right over her heart. “I love you,”

Aelin’s breath caught and those words registered in her blissed out brain, sobering her instantly. But it seemed Rowan hadn’t even noticed what he said, he just rolled to the side, letting Aelin escape to the bathroom. Her heart was pounding so hard in her chest that she felt it in her throat, making her want to vomit. Aelin held back the impulse and cleaned up as quickly as she could. Diving into the overnight bag she had conveniently left in here after the shower Aelin pulled out clothes to put on. It was just an oversized sweater and leggings, but it would be enough to get her to her car.

Because she couldn’t stay here, not now that Rowan had gone and ruined everything. The easiest option was for her to leave, and quickly. If she stayed there might not be anything left of their relationship to salvage. Missing him was one thing, and then there was this.

This was not what they were, they couldn’t be. It didn’t make sense. Why did Rowan have to go and ruin a perfectly good thing?

I love you.

Those three words echoed in her brain and did nothing to console her. Rowan couldn’t love her, she wasn’t what he needed or wanted. Not really. If he had the sense to really consider it he would know this wasn’t the right course for them. Aelin would give him the opportunity to do just that. She packed up the rest of her bag, so all she had to do was grab her purse and shoes and leave.

Swallowing down against the tightness in her throat, Aelin opened the door and swept out with the shortest of glances in Rowan’s direction. He was splayed out on the bed looking like he was still recovering after the mind blowing sex. Aelin’s stomach gave a pang of regret when she realised this would be the last time. It would be cruel to put Rowan through any more of this when she didn’t feel the same.

Aelin gathering up her things seemed to shake him from his daze and he raised himself up on his elbow. “What are you doing?”

She snatched up her purse and stepped around the table. “Leaving.”

“Why…” Rowan trailed off, then realisation dawned on him. “Aelin, wait. Don’t go, let me explain.”

“There’s no need,” Aelin said, slipping a foot into her kitten heel. Rowan went to get out of bed but she stopped him with a raised hand. “Don’t. Just stay there.”

Gods bless him, he did. She could always count on Rowan to respect boundaries.

“Stay, and we’ll talk,” Rowan nearly pleaded.

“We’re friends, Rowan,” Aelin said, forcing every ounce of bravado into as she could. She even added a strained note of laughter. “That’s all we are and can be.”

“Friends don’t do this.”

Aelin’s head snapped up, it was all too easy to read the look of hurt and disappointment on his face. It wasn’t clear if he was talking about her behaviour in this moment or the casual fucking that they’d indulged in over the years, ending in the subsequent drama that had entangled them. Any way they looked at it, Aelin wasn’t staying for the clarification. She just slipped on the other shoe.

“I’m going,” she said, rushing for the door.

“Aelin—”

A glance over her shoulder told her he was making his move to get out of bed, denying her order to stay where he was. But it was too late—her hand was on the door knob.

“Goodbye, Rowan.”

Aelin twisted the handle, ignoring the rush of movement behind her and stepped out in the hallway. She thought it would be harder to not look back, but with every step he took away from that hotel room it only bolstered her resolve. They were better off like this, it was now up to Rowan to realise it.

~~~~~

*smiling in delight but also I'm sorry*

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charlizeed · 2 years ago

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aelin about rowan: this is my ken. his job is war. he comes with a hatchet and 300 years of trauma :)

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charlizeed · 2 years ago

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the rise of anti-intellectualism is directly correlated with the exponential growth and popularity of AI generated "art" and "literature". when people never bother to think or care about a creators intentions to begin with (which there ALWAYS are when something is made by a human), then they wont give a shit if a computer is spitting out content without thought or heart. just as long as theyre getting content fast and cheap.

i feel like im watching the demise of the creative in real time.

#this is so true #my whole Instagram explore page on my art account is full of ai art #and I get so discouraged because why should I spend HOURS of effort on something #when ai 'artists' post new stuff multiple times a day and it gets SO much attention and praise #whenever I open insta I get so angry and sad #and they don’t even realize that anything is wrong with it #death to chap gpt #death to midjourney

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charlizeed · 2 years ago

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Aelin Week Day 5: Song Association @rowaelinscourt

I've been toying with the idea of composing a song inspired by the scene where Aelin plays for Rowan for a long time, and this prompt finally motivated me to try my hand at it.

Most of the song is stripped back to just piano because that's how Aelin played it, but in the second half, I slowly brought in some other instruments to show the music sort of coming to life for her.

The song definitely leans very contemporary for the setting (let's pretend it's a modern au?), and I'm not classically trained, but I still love how it turned out!

#holy shit #this is amazing

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charlizeed · 2 years ago

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“She was the heir of ash and fire, and she would bow to no one”

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charlizeed · 2 years ago

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thinking about her (the ghost barbie from the 2012 haunted beauty series)...

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charlizeed · 3 years ago

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if ship not canon why taylor swift song fit them perfectly?

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charlizeed · 3 years ago

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Am I slightly evil? Yes. But that’s besides the point. I would love a what if Aelin was actually pregnant in Empire of Storms. DRAMA! ANGST! OH NO MAEVE! 🫣 do ur worst. Literally.

Thanks for sending this in!! <3 It's been a while since I read the book, lol. My reread came to a screeching halt a little while ago. SO! Some points will not occur as they did in the book because i have no memory. Anyways...canon au/divergence. Partial EOS/KOA rewrite.

find my other works here

READ ME--Warnings: torture, brief allusion to sexual assault, pain, violence, discussion of miscarriage and death. ANGST. you've been warned. Maybe happy ending???

~6.4k words

.*.*.*.*.

Until the Bitter End of Eternity

First, there was darkness. Thick and heavy and enough to make the entire world disappear. It was a darkness that slipped not just across her eyes but into her mind. Even when she tried, she couldn’t remember what day break looked like. She couldn’t remember the way the sun scraped over the Staghorns or gleamed across the sea. She couldn’t remember the shade of green that soothed her soul.

Second, there was pain. Hot as it burned on skin and bore through flesh and into bone. And she knew her pain. Her life was a continuous cycle of torture, of broken bones and skin. She had endured it all over and over. But this…this was a fresh hell.

Third, there was terror. Sharp in the way it drilled one thought repeatedly over and over into her head. Dry in the way that it leeched everything else from her.

Aelin had no choice but to feel each of these things. She had no choice but to let each thought and each feeling and each idea encompass her. Because it meant that she was alive. And to be alive was to be one step closer to returning to her mate (her mate, was that even possible?) and to be alive meant that the little flutter deep in her belly was real.

Perhaps she should regret not telling him. Instead, she'd told Lysandra. Begged Lysandra for help, for support, for confirmation. And her friend had assured her it would be fine. Assured her she was strong enough. Assured her that she would support Aelin if a certain choice needed to be made.

She should regret not having one more moment with Rowan, one last taste of hope that they could be together. A family.

"Well, well," a lilting voice permeated the darkness. And even when Aelin opened her eyes, even when she tried to seek out the light, there was nothing. "Niece, I thought you were stronger than this. But your fear. My, my. How did you ever gain a following? You're so close to falling apart, aren't you?"

Aelin dragged in a breath, the tang of iron and mold coating her tongue and burrowing in her lungs. A chill ran across her limbs, licking up any remnant of sweat. It took far too long to remember the coffin. She was trapped. Entombed. Locked away to be be saved for death. Maybe she’d pushed it too far back in her mind. Maybe she’d tried to give herself some sort of protection.

But it came racing back now in the desire to reach out and throttle that cruel little voice that echoed through the silence.

"No witty words? Fireheart?"

Bile rose in Aelin’s throat as the moniker crossed Maeve's lips. The cruel fae queen was trying to rile her up, trying to make Aelin betray herself. She swallowed the acid down.

Breathe, she thought. Just breathe.

"Don't worry,” Maeve continued, "I'll be gentle. For now."

And that cruel fae queen began the torture she’d always promised.

...

The coffin was cold. Impenetrable. And Aelin was acutely aware of the empty recesses to her magic.

It made her feel lost, distant, utterly remote from everything and anything. As a child and into her young adult years, she'd repressed her magic so much that she'd convinced herself she'd never had it. She’d convinced herself that it was a mere fantasy made up by a poor little girl struggling with reality. But after learning what it was and how to control it, she'd truly understood what it meant to be that wildfire she was so often called.

For a wildfire was more than just a force to be reckoned with.

And now, encased in iron and darkness, her skin burned in desperation. She needed to burn. She needed to feel again.

She didn't know how long she remained in that coffin. It could have been hours; it could have been days. It could have been millennia.

And the one thing that should have been a comfort, that small flutter of life in her womb, was only another cruel thing to use against her. Because just by existing, that life was the cruelest torture the gods had given her.

Aelin managed to brush her hand over her belly. Given the limited space of the coffin, it was a bit awkward, but it comforted her. It gave her just a little bit of hope, even for just the bare moment she gave herself. She had to be careful. She couldn’t let Maeve know. She couldn’t let her guards know.

As soon as they did, they would use it against her. And she couldn't bear what that would entail.

After what felt like years locked away with her own mind, there was finally the sound of rattling chains and grating stone. And then a strike of light fell across her face making her flinch. It had been so long since she'd been touched by light. So long since she'd felt it so freely on her skin. She didn't like it. She didn't trust it.

The coffin opened with a heavy groan and cool air rushed over Aelin, brushing her limbs, her face.

It tasted like salt and wood and death.

She didn't have time to adjust to it when large, calloused hands took hold and yanked her from the coffin. Aelin couldn’t keep her feet as she was set on the ground. She tried. She tried to hold onto that pride that had once so securely owned her. She tried to find that fire that once burned within her. She tried. But it wasn't enough.

Her feet slid on cold marble and her body fell against the outside of the iron coffin. She didn't have time to relax against it though. The cruel hands were back, digging into the flesh of her arms and forcing her to her feet.

Aelin bit back a moan of pain at being forced to move, to walk. She hadn’t been able to stretch within the coffin and her body had grown so used to not moving that even this motion nearly sent her to her knees.

But the male beside her wouldn't let her fall. He was quiet with his harsh eyes and beautiful face turned forward. The only acknowledgment she had that he was aware of her was the way his fingers clung to her skin.

She looked there, his tanned skin a contrast to her own. She could already see the bruises that would come from this. She could already taste the blood that would coat her tongue when Maeve would inevitably have him beat her.

Once she might have tried to tease him. Endovier hadn't broken her, Arobynn hadn’t either. Would she really allow Maeve the dishonor? The little flutter of life in her belly was all the answer she needed.

No. Aelin wouldn't be broken not for the possibility of hope and the image of a boy with his father's pine green eyes. Or maybe a girl with long silver hair that would dance among the forest with flowers in her hands.

What little strength she had went to shielding her stomach and protecting the innocent life. There was no guarantee that this would work for long, no promise that she’d carry to term, not with what she'd already been through and would continue to suffer.

It would take a miracle. And Aelin was sure she’d used all hers up.

Maeve would drag her within an inch of her life. And this little soul would face it too. Bile rose in Aelin’s throat as she thought about that.

The male beside her yanked Aelin to a stop just before the great doors that would lead to Maeve's throne room.

"The queen desires an audience," the male said, his curling blonde hair falling into his eyes. Aelin thought she recognized him as one of Rowan's Cadre.

She met his gaze and lifted her chin, ready to accept her fate.

...

The blood on her lips never stayed dry for long.

Even in her dreams, when she managed to sleep, Aelin was covered in red. It dibbled between her teeth, stained her gums, tainted her lips. Iron and salt were her only companion.

Her dreams never varied.

They were filled with images of forests wide and free. They sang of vast skies and warm burning suns. They hummed with magic that kissed her skin. But most importantly there was Rowan.

Rowan with his commanding presence. Rowan with his cold eyes and hard demeanor. Rowan who was her salvation and hope. Rowan who she could never quite keep close enough. No matter how she tried to chase after, to reach him, it was never enough. He would remain just out of her grasp and Aelin would be alone until her mind spiraled to the edge of an abyss of black.

Alone.

And then she would wake. And Maeve would beat and abuse her again. Again. Again.

Each time she would tell Aelin to give up, to release her magic, to allow Maeve access to her mind. Maeve sought to destroy her and Aelins will was chipped away.

Everyday Aelin would hold on though. She would think about that life within her, that perfect innocent life that she would hold onto. That life that would be a perfect mix of her and Rowan. That life that would live to know peace and hope.

So when the whips came out and the chains rattled on the stone floor, Aelin let her mind return to the darkest shadows of her subconscious that had given birth to Celaena. And as Cairn whispered threats into her ear and his hand were rough and cruel upon her skin, Aelin remembered where she had been and how far she had come.

Even as leather bit into her back and ruined the tattoos that marked her life—Aelin’s mind stayed locked.

Even when she would let out the inevitable scream—Aelin’s heart stayed strong.

Even when her nails tore and tears streamed—Aelin’s will stayed firm.

And when her body was torn and bruised and she returned to the coffin that wouldn't let her die, Aelin found herself staring at that male who led her to her daily torture. He was harsh and cruel and vile. The only thing she could think was that she would delight to see his blood on her hands.

When he didn’t whip her, Cairn would take a knife to her skin and carve into her flesh. Often it was useless strikes and cuts. Other times there were words. Aelin would watch the blood drip down her skin and pool on the marble of the throne room. It was strange seeing such things etched into her skin. Strange to have them burned into her eyes. Stranger still to feel the way the blood oozed in tracks along her arms. Her legs. Her back.

It was wicked and cruel and the male delighted in it.

Every time he drew blood his lips were at her ear. Do you like that, little princess? When her breath would stutter in her lungs he would draw a finger along her jaw. Let me hear you beg, bitch.

Maeve would always heal her though. She took away the marks at the end of a week. What fun was it when the subject of your ire was too cut up to feel anything?

Still. Aelin didn’t beg. She didn’t plead. She only stared forward at the male across the hall who brought her here on his queen’s order.

Fenrys never did speak to her. Only blink. Only blink and offer the barest hints of pressure as his fingers left her skin and delivered her to her prison once again.

...

She remembered the first time she wanted to die.

It was when she was in Arobynn's care. He had shown her how to slit a man's throat from a myriad of positions. This being when she was trapped beneath him. His hands would wander and he’d carefully arrange her just the way he wanted.

He taught her the best way to hold the knife. The best angle to cut. He called her his good girl and praised the chaos she would cause. And then he threw her to the wolves.

As she stared into Maeve’s eyes one day she imagined she could see Arobynn there. The cold delight, the deadly precision, the lack of empathy and care.

Aelin was in a mask of iron. A headpiece that covered her face so only her eyes could see slits of light and color. There was a mouthpiece she was forced to clamp down on with spikes that tore her tongue and the soft flesh of her cheeks and gums. Iron and faebane forged together that caused tears and blood to roll down her face.

Aelin didn't know how long she'd been held. She didn't know how long she'd been directing her magic to protect her baby. From what she could tell there'd been no growth. She was sick often enough that maybe, maybe, maybe it was okay. But she could have lost it and would never know what had finally done it. Only that she hadn't been strong enough.

She was strung up in chains and the iron mask deep in the recesses of Maeve’s palace. Had been for long enough that she stank of piss and vomit. She hadn’t been able to help either occurrence.

As her mind wandered from consciousness to dreams, she fought to focus on something other than the darkness, the pain, the terror. She tried to find something to hold onto. When she tried to think of the babe—it nearly sent her into hysterics. After all, she likely killed the child by submitting to this torture. She wasn’t strong enough to hold off the true pain and agony. She couldn’t protect herself so how, how could she protect that innocent life?

She came to herself as the door of her cell eased open. Aelin snapped to attention, ignoring the pain that tore through her body.

In the dull light from behind the door she could make out the shape of a male. Aelin pulled away even as the brackets around her wrists dug into the worn and tender flesh.

It had to be Cairn. She knew it did. He’d told her many times over that one of these days he’d come to her. He’d break her. He’d see her on her back as he—

“Aelin.”

A soft voice. Far kinder than what she’d expected.

Aelin blinked through tears and the fog surrounding her mind. Through the slits of the mask she could make out the face of Fenrys Moonbeam.

“We don’t have time,” he murmured.

His hands went to the chains at her wrists, making quick work of the locks. As the chains fell away, Aelin collapsed forward. Fenrys caught her easily, his strong arms supporting her as he took care of the chains at her ankles.

“I can’t get the mask,” he said, “not strong enough. Aelin. Look at me.”

A shudder of pain rippled through her. Her tongue cut on one of the spikes in her mouth and blood trickled down her throat. She gagged.

“Aelin,” Fenrys said again. “You have to run. I can get you to the woods but from there you’re on your own. Do you hear me? There is only so long she will be distracted.”

His words slowly pieced together in her mind. Run. Escape. Freedom.

A hand dropped to her abdomen. She couldn’t help it. She wouldn’t apologize for it. And maybe, maybe there was something there.

“Run.” she managed to spit through the iron gag in her mouth the rutted mask around her.

Fenrys wasted no time in leading her through the dungeons.

He supported most of her weight even when she came to herself. They were practically flying down different pathways and channels. Soon, the dank stench of excrement and blood dissipated and was replaced by something sweeter, fresher.

“Almost there,” Fenrys murmured into her ear.

Aelin barely managed a hum in response. She was too busy trying to find one more ounce of strength somewhere in her bones.

A light appeared at the end of the corridor they were moving down. So small, Aelin almost missed it. But the faster Fenrys moved the closer the light came. It was real. So real that in a few hundred yards they came to a grate that led out into freedom.

Fenrys ushed Aelin through the bars but didn’t follow. His fae eyes gleamed in the shadows and she could feel a preternatural power roll off of him.

“Run straight to the trees,” Fenrys told her. “Don’t stop. You cannot stop. You cannot give up. Not yet. He’ll find you; do you understand? He will find you.”

Rowan. She thought. She could only blink her response before Fenrys was shoving her out into the daylight.

It was so different from what she remembered. It wasn’t silent or still. Rather, there was a wind rustling in the trees, a bird in the distance. She could feel cold moss beneath her toes and a dampness in the air of a coming rain.

It was clean and pure and—

Run.

Her knees buckled at the first step. Her legs forgot that they knew this motion. She tried again with another step. Another. Another. Step upon step upon step that would take her directly into the trees.

Her bare feet dug into the detritus of the forest floor. Leave and sticks and dirt kicked up beneath her frantic scrambles. It didn’t help that her vision was so limited with the mask. She could hardly see one step in front of her, let alone two.

It was taking her too long to move. She knew it. She could feel a shift in the air.

What had Fenrys done to provide a distraction? Had anyone else helped him? She had no idea what would have been enough to drag Maeve away from the castle, away from Aelin when she was so close to breaking.

Somewhere behind her, she heard a scream. A roar, really. Something loud and violent that send a shudder through the forest.

Cairn. It had to be. She, his little play thing, was gone. He would come find her, she knew he would.

Aelin pushed herself forward. A tree nearly tossed her off balance but she kept moving. Quicker now. One step in front of the other as her knees picked up. There were far too many brambles and roots to keep her trajectory straight, but she didn’t stop.

She couldn’t stop. Not with one hand cradling her stomach that she swore was rounded just a bit. She hadn’t completely lost her mind, had she?

She couldn’t stop as her senses filled with clean air and fresh upturned earth. All around her, the forest was coming alive with fluttering wings and scampering paws. This was where she belonged, wasn’t it? Wild and free.

She ran.

She ran until her body was begging for relief. Until she could feel the wounds along her body burst and new blood rolled down her frame. Maeve hadn’t healed her for this week yet.

The blood would make it easier for Cairn to track. It would be easier for him to hunt her down and finish what he’d started.

Each of her nerve endings lit up as though they were on fire. All across her body, she felt as though she were disintegrating back into that pathetic ball of utter shame. She couldn’t even run properly let alone get herself to freedom without help. She was—

There was a shift in the air.

It was sudden and stark on her skin. She felt as though she’d stepped into a wall of ice as a chill wrapped around her, curling into every curve and angle of her body. She knew that feeling. She had felt it on many occasions before. Back when she’d been a flickering flame on the verge of burnout and he’d been there to ground her.

Aelin gasped for air desperate for a taste of the world around her.

Rowan. Pine and snow and sweet sweet relief. Rowan. Rowan. Rowan. Aelin stumbled in her frantic run. She could smell him. He was so close she could feel him and his strength and as desperation rolled through her, Aelin found her magic slowly unfurling. It quivered within her as it slowly rolled forth.

Rowan.

Rowan

Rowan.

She kept running. Running until she heard something in the trees around her. Running until she could smell magic in the air. Running until she burst into a clearing, stumbling to her knees. All the strength she’d put forth was eaten up. Her body so tired, her mind so numb. She didn’t know if she could go any further. But she could feel him, so immersive and familiar.

Aelin.

Her name whispered through the trees, light and cool.

Aelin,

Her name rang with desperation as it shuddered among the surrounding trees.

“Aelin!”

Her name was fierce and strong coming from the one person she'd thought about most in the last few months. Aelin managed to look up as Rowan fell to the ground in front of her. Even on his knees, he was massive. His broad frame blocked out anything from view as his magic pulsed between them.

“Aelin,” he whispered. Strong arms came around her as though they could offer security or protection.

Aelin shuddered in Rowan’s grasp as she tried to pull away.

“Off. Off. Take it off.” She demanded. Her fingers scrabbled at the metal mask over her face. Blood dribbled from the corners of her mouth and pain landed through her, but she didn't care. All she cared about was getting that damned mask off.

“It’s alright, Fireheart,” Rowan murmured. “Look at me. Look at me, love.”

In her frantic scrambling she’d twisted in his grasp and was now facing him. His green eyes found hers and for the first time in so many months, Aelin could breathe.

“Rowan,” she gasped. The metal mouthpiece scraped against her tender skin. All she cared about was Rowan before her.

His hands were gentle as they ran along the seam of the mask and Aelin’s neck. He kept talking to her in a mix of the old language and common tongue. She didn’t know what he was saying—couldn’t focus on anything but his hands—but it was the soothing lilt of his voice that kept her grounded.

She didn't know how long it took but soon the metal fell free and she could feel cool air on her face and tears tracked down her face.

A sob escaped her as she slumped against Rowan. His arms tightened around her as he murmured sweet assurances in her ear.

The relief didn’t last long.

Not as a new figure emerged from the trees. Aelin didn’t have to see his face to know who it was. She could smell her own blood on the long blade in his grasp.

Aelin dug her fingers into Rowan’s arm, the hard muscle unyielding as he slowly shifted her away from Cairn.

“Two little lambs,” Cairn crooned, “all ready for the slaughter.”

…

Rowan Whitethorn was a warrior. Three hundred years of life on this earth had turned him from a simple boy in his father’s land to a fae that yearned for the hunt.

He was not afraid of it. Nor was he averse to it. He respected the way of war and the blood that would be shed.

At least until this very moment.

Aelin shuddered in his grasp as she flinched away from the sight of Cairn. Aelin who was strong and capable and the most powerful creature he’d known shuddered. Rowan felt his body tense as he stood, gently leaving Aelin kneeling on the ground.

This male had touched her, had hurt her. And he was going to regret it.

“Cairn,” Rowan growled.

Magic thrummed in his bones and sang through his blood until it was all around him. He could feel power rising up from the deepest wells of his being, the very places he swore he would never touch.

Cain on cocked his head to the side as a predatory smile stretched across his mouth. “I think I’ll enjoy killing you, Whitethorn. And when my hands are covered in your blood I’ll take your little bitch and fu—”

Rowan attacked.

He drew the sword strapped to his back and a smaller knife strapped to his side and burned. His ice magic felt hot at it wrapped around him, urging him on. In a scant few steps, he was lunging for Cairn.

The other male hadn’t been expecting this. He fell back one step but it was all Rowan needed. He went for the exposed belly, swiping with his dagger. Cairn barely dodged and retaliated by drawing a knee up. Rowan threw him back with an icy snap of wind. The force of it threw Ciarn against a tree.

A resounding crack echoed through the forest as Rowan stalked forward.

Cairn struggled against the magic that held him. Surprise was written clear on his face. The fool either hadn’t remembered what Rowan was capable of or thought his pathetic alliance with Maeve would somehow save him.

Rowan would relish in the scent of blood that day.

…

Aelin didn't know how long it took or how it actually happened, but soon she was gathered in Rowans arms and he was running with her through the forest.

She could still smell the stench of fire and burning flesh on the air. She could still see the way Rowan moved towards Cairn with his weapons raised. She could still hear the last of Cairn’s screams on the wind.

Rowan had held nothing back in his attack. He’d taken his time to carve into Cairn’s flesh, to draw out as much pain and misery as he could.

Aelin could only watch. Watch and thank the gods for what Rowan was capable of.

Now, they eventually came to where Aelin’s growing army was camped, but she could hardly notice or care about the numbers that were gathering. All she could do was fall against Rowans chest and let him watch over her.

Even when Lysandra and Elide came to help bath and dress and treat the wounds that marred her skin. It was hard to do while stool as sentinel growling when anyone moved too close or too quick.

But Aelin couldn't bring herself to really notice or care. Not when Elide’s gentle fingers wove her damp hair into a braid and Lysandra rubbed oils and lotion into Aelin’s raw skin.

She couldn't hold back the flinch when Lysandra brushed her belly as she pulled a tunic over Aelin’s head. Lysandra froze remembering that night on the ship when Aelin told her she was with child.

"Aelin," Lysandra whispered. She hovered close, eyes darting to where Rowan glowered.

"What?" He demanded. "Is something wrong? Do we need Yrene?"

Aelin squeezed her eyes shut. Maybe it was better if Yrene came to tell her that her worst fears had been realized. But she couldn't bring herself to say the words. Even as Rowan's magic enveloped her, Aelin couldn't look at him.

"Sleep," she rasped. "I just want to sleep."

Maybe she'd be able to disappear into the darkness that had been her only companion. Maybe she'd be able to forget for one moment—

In an instant both Lysandra and Elide were gone and she was back in Rowan's arms. His nose was buried in her neck, arms tight around her.

"You're safe, Fireheart, " he told her. "I promise. You can rest now. Put down your magic, love. It's been flaring for too long now."

Aelin buried her fingers in his tunic until she found his bare flesh and she could feel him beneath her. Was she still flaring her magic? She'd grown so accustomed to holding that shield up around herself that it was second nature even in her exhausted state.

“Rowan,” she whispered, his name a balm against her lips. “I’m sorry.”

He held her tighter against his chest. “For what?”

But she was already asleep.

…

There were hands digging into her skin. Determined hands that picked and prodded as they tore her apart. They ripped at the thin nightgown she wore even as she tried to pull and tug away. But no matter what she did, there was no escape.

One hand went to her throat, fingers tightening until she was struggling for breath. The other hand flexed across her stomach, the touch rough and cold.

“I’ll make you scream,” a voice said. It didn’t take long for her to place that cold, cruel voice. “And then you’ll kneel before me and beg for mercy.”

Aelin’s own scream finally pulled her from the nightmare. She thrashed wildly, desperate to get away from Cairn’s horrific torture.

“Aelin, Aelin.” Another voice, different. A new set of hands came over her, these careful in the way they held her. “Fireheart, you’re safe.”

A snarl tore from her lips, she couldn’t help it. All she could hear was Cairn’s laugh and feel the way his knife cut her skin. She needed to get away. She could focus on nothing other than the how small this tent space and how best she could escape it.

“She needs to calm down, Prince,” a soft voice said from her left, “for her own safety.”

Aelin whirled toward the voice just as a pair of hands went to her waist, firm as they tried to hold her still. They were too close to her belly that Aelin couldn’t help the defensive flare that rose within her. Her instincts took over as she grabbed one of the hands and twisted it away. A flicker of fire raced from her fingers to singe her captor.

They grunted but held on tighter. Ice met her fire and in a low hiss, the small flames burned out.

Blinking rapidly, Aelin looked up to meet the pine green eyes of Rowan.

“Rowan,” she whispered. Her flames disappeared as she took him in.

Yes. This was right. He had come for her. He had held her. He had decimated Cairn as though it were his right.

“Aelin.” Rowan stared at her unblinking. There was caution in his eyes as he regarded her, as though he were expecting her to lash out and burn him again.

The planes of his face were hard as stone as she took him in. He was ragged with bags under his eyes and stubble on his chin. But it was still Rowan. Her Rowan.

“You found me,” she croaked, her voice broken from the screams. You found us.

She released him, nearly pushing him away as everything came back to her.

Oh to fade back into that darkness that was always so welcoming and good to her. That darkness that she could sink into and let take over. If she could disappear, she could forget. She could forget the pain and the fear. She could forget the whips and the whispers. She could forget that she had certainly destroyed the one bit of happiness that was left for her in this world.

Rowan didn’t move as he watched her. But she did note the way his eyes did finally dip from her face down to her stomach.

No. No. No.

Aelin shrunk away from him. She couldn’t bear to look at him, couldn’t bear to tell him—

She remembered the other body in the tent with them. Aelin turned to see Yrene standing near the closed tent flaps. She had her hair pulled back with a scrap of cloth, her warm brown skin was flushed and the hazel of her eyes was dimmed from the last time Aelin had seen her.

Of course the healer was here. Why wouldn’t she be if Aelin was so broken and torn apart? And if Aelin had killed—

“Aelin,” Yrene said softly. She held out a hand in supplication. “Aelin, it’s alright. You’re still healing. I did the best I could for now.”

Bile rose in Aelin’s throat at the words. Still healing. The best she could. Her fingers wound into the front of her tunic. The walls she’d been trying to keep up were frail and weak. She knew she was hemorrhaging emotions and information directly for Rowan to pick up on but she was so tired.

“Tell me,” Aelin managed to say. She couldn’t finish the thought but when Yrene’s features softened, she knew she’d been understood.

At her back, Aelin could feel Rowan. He didn’t touch her, not yet, but he was there. His strong presence buoyed Aelin up as she waited for Yrene’s answer.

The healer nodded once before managing a smile. “Five months, your majesty. You’re malnourished and need to gain weight, but—as far as I can tell right now—the baby is fine. Small but fine.”

Aelin could only stare as Yrene took her leave and left the tent.

Small but fine. Small but fine. Small but—

“Rowan.” Aelin reached a hand back until she found him. He took her hand in his and pulled her back against his chest, his other arm tentatively wrapping around her. “I thought…I thought I lost it. I thought I wasn’t, that I didn’t—”

Her words were cut off as a sob rose in her throat. When her legs gave out from the exertion of the past five minutes, Rowan was there to catch her. He held her against him as they both sank to the ground, wrapped up in each other as Aelin cried.

Rowan only held her. His face was once against buried in her neck; his lips soft against her skin as he whispered something in the Old Language. She had longed for a moment like this for so long that she didn’t dare move. Instead, she held on to Rowan as her cries continued and eventually her body stopped shaking.

It was then that Rowan lifted her into his arms and carried her back to the small cot she’d been sleeping in earlier. He laid her down gently before curling around her. One of his large hands hovered near her stomach but he didn’t dare touch her.

“You knew,” he said, his voice was rough and worn. “You knew before Maeve took you.”

Aelin closed her eyes to the sight of Rowan’s own mournful gaze. He’d been crying same as her.

With a long breath, she took her hand in his and rested it on that too small swell. As soon as he touched her, Rowan’s body went stiff then slack, then a shudder nearly broke him apart. His hold on her tightened just barely before stopping. Aelin could feel the trembles taking him as he waited. She pressed his hand more firmly against her, holding him there even when he tried to pull away.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered as she bowed her head forward until she rested against his chin. “I’m so sorry, Rowan.”

“I could have lost you,” he said, breath fanning over her hair.

“I didn’t think it was real,” she said. “I told myself it couldn’t be. And then I was in that coffin and I knew. I knew what I had done. And it would be my fault if—if—”

She felt another wave of tears come over her and she stopped talking. Rowan gently cradled her chin in his hand, tilting her face up. She kept her eyes closed, unable to look at him.

“And when C-c, when he started to hurt me,” she continued, forcing the words through trembling lips, “I put all my energy into trying to keep it real, to keep the—the baby safe. But every day I thought that would be it, that would be the time I failed. I’d already failed you, so why not that life?”

Rowan’s hand flexed against her stomach and his lips grazed her forehead, her eyes, her lips.

“You’d never fail me,” he assured her.

Was he not hearing her or was she not speaking clear enough? “I didn’t tell you.”

“You said it yourself; you didn’t think you were,” he said. “And when was the time? Everything happened so fast.”

His voice trailed off and Aelin finally opened her eyes. He was watching her with an unreadable expression. Aelin felt her heart tug. She had imagined him so many times in her captivity. He’d often been a dim voice in the back of her mind, but he’d been there nonetheless. Sometimes it had been him and only him that got her through a day.

“Rowan.” She kept her hand firmly over his where it rested on her belly. “I’m scared. When I close my eyes, I swear I’m back there. And when I sleep? I already nearly burned you. How can I do this? How can I do anything of this? Not just a child, but a war? How can I be strong enough when I’ve fallen apart so many times already?”

"You're not alone, Fireheart," he said. His voice was so soft Alein almost thought she'd imagined it. She watched that hard, carefully crafted expression of his soften. "Not anymore. But if this is too much, if you don't want— "

Aelin squeezed his hand knowing what he was suggesting. He broke off and only watched her.

"I choose this," she said. "And I choose you, Rowan Whitethorn. "

He nodded once at her words before leaning in to kiss her.

His lips were soft against hers. Soft and gentle as he explored her again. And Aelin, desperate for that feeling and taste of home, kissed him back. Rowan rested his hands on her hips as she rolled on top of him.

From there, she quickly took control, her mouth moving urgently against his until she was pulling his lower lip, sucking gently but needful. Her hands were roving his body tugging at Rowans tunic, the buttons of his pants. She needed him. Needed every bit of him that she could get.

And when they came together with careful kisses and whispered promises Aelin found for the first time, she was able to banish that terrible darkness away.

They still had so far to go and so much to learn—but they would get there together.

.*.*.*.*.*.