charventing

[charventing]

Since we got on this topic, then let’s talk about it, shall we?

People asked me “ why you went to Cebu and not visit family? “

You see, I was 11 when I left Cebu and it was a sudden change of livelihood. It was something that my mom did for us to have a better life.

I can only remember a miserable life living in Cebu. My dad was a very nice guy but he was also a tipsy father. I’m at home with my dad most of the time while my mother is still out looking for another “pohonan” so we can finish our home in Tayud. I have never seen my dad fully sober. But again, he was still the best dad because despite of him being drunk, he would always take my side and still buys me a barbie doll even when my mom says no because she wants to save that money for our home.

When my lolo and lola ( my dad’s side ) was alive, during summer, my lolo always picks me up from Cebu to take me to Surigao for vacation. But when lolo died it was so devastating for me because it felt like I lost a best friend and kakampi. He was my vbest friend. He always got my back. Honestly? I never felt that welcome vibe no more after my lolo died. I get to eat the country food while my cousins gets to eat the good fancy ones. Yes, I can only remember the bad memories. Well, I learned that Dried Pusit was soo yummy so yea. Don’t get me wrong, lolo and lolas house is the most presko house that I’ve been to. I used to be a kid who doesn’t talk back or they will call me suplada otherwise. But hell to that! I am suplada! Only when you step on me though.

I was never close to my cousins because it felt like the pakilala part was taken away from me because there was a dislike vibe between the two families. And it is such a shame and it sucks that I didn’t get to know my cousins when I was little. Cuz it would’ve been so nice if we did. I only knew the “awai” part of the family. There was so much hatred and it’s soo frustrating. I feel so lost because I just wished that there was non of that/those type of feeling towards each other’s families. IT FUCKING SUCKS!

You see, I realized so many things when I went to Cebu for the very first time. I was more welcomed by someone else’s family than mine. my point is? I feel more comfortable with others than my own.

I have so many questions that I wanted answers to! Why did it happen? And when did it happen? And why was my side of my family got affected more? And until now I am so confused bec. AKU ANG NAIGO OG TODO. Because I was the only adventurous one that always goes to different islands with my lolo. Until now, I don’t know why I’m still feeling that type of way. I have fake aunties and uncles here but they are more nicer than the real ones that I have.

Maldita ko na bata pero naa sya sa lugar. Only to those who hurt me the most. And until now I am in such pain na lesod ipgawas until I know the full blown story.

Y’all just don’t know how much my mom has to endure and I know me and her ain’t that close but I AM SO FCKING THANKFUL HELLA GRATEFUL THAT SHE TOOK US OUT OF CEBU. And she made a better life for us here. That includes my dad. That’s why my mom is always strict on me. Esp to whoever I am dating. And I now understand why she’s being a pain in the ass on my side. I have been to Mexico quite a few times but oh my god! The poverty line in Cebu and thats just Cebu, it is very interesting to me. It made me realize I need to do better in life. I wanna adopt atleast 1 kid. I want to build a library in the middle of Cebu where all street kids or whoever cannot afford school can just go there to read and learn.

Anywho, so I will bring my whole family back to Cebu. I will fix my dad’s situation in Cebu. And we are all coming back as a whole family.

[charventing]

5 posts!

[charventing]

I’m just really tired of being with someone who doesn’t know my worth. I didn’t want to say anything or to complain more because I don’t want him to think that I’m just using him. You see, in me, I created a home and he’s in it. All of me, he’s in it. I want him to be in there forever. But the fact that we cannot even start a family at this age, I don’t think I will ever want one anymore because I am scared that it’s going to be too late.

Meaning, I don’t want to have a hard time having a family. Or even creating one.

I just can’t.

Honestly, hopefully, he will change for the better. Also, for his future family.

[charventing]

Today, I realized … that I’m too old to own what I want to own. I will just work for my daughters sake. I’m tired.

I feel like I don’t want to get re-married or live in a home with someone else other than my daughter.

I feel like, I’m not deserving in his eyes. I’m just tired of waiting for him to grow up. Meaning, not sure if he wants to be better in life with me in it.

You see, I’m a single mom. I don’t have much for me but I have enough for my daughter. I have enough for our daily lives. I hate the fact that I cannot provide a home just for my daughter and I.

It sucks. I just really wished that he would understand that I’m a whole package. Meaning, I have a lil one to take care of.

[charventing]

Today was really tough. My mom went inside my room, asking my lil brother to come with her to get gas:

Me trying to ask her if she can gas up my car too like she said the first time we came home from getting her new house in Vegas. Which I forgot because she said we’re going to Costco but we never went because she was so tired so I keep forgetting about it. So today I reminded her and I was asking about it jokingly sweet way (lambing) but she took it the wrong way and threw her CC at me.

For me that was the last stroke. After my Philippines trip, which will be my very first trip to my birth land.

I really want to go home & sleep forever. I do have a child but I’m not happy living anymore. My own mother doesn’t respect me and she’s making my life miserable. My heart stopped already.

I want to die. I wanna die in my sleep. Atleast I will die knowing that my mom has now papers for life. Atleast she has something to brag now.

Mina will be safe with her.

[charventing]

I saw my friends who’s younger than me having a home of their own, having kids and moving on with their life. Their boyfriend’s buying them a home making me jealous tbh. I shouldn’t be like this but it’s just sad you know.

I’m almost giving up life. This makes me think and feel that I’d rather just want to be alone with the rest of my life. I wanna just run away and live in my car in peace.

I hate the fact that I have nothing to offer in this world.

Parang gusto kong tumalon at di na magising.

Pagod na kasi ako sa kakalipat eh. Pagod na pagod na akong mabuhay.

[charventing]

Why am I so forgetful?

When Anxiety hits, my brain flew out to space.

I get nervous during exams.

I tend to forget my wallets.

This is why I can never own expensive things anymore.

If someone said something then I would start remembering things.

Fudge I need to start jotting down notes on my phone. But then again, I rarely look at my notes and messages if it’s not work related.

Tbh. I left my phone at a store earlier. Stupidaaa!.

Good thing apple watch dingy phone location.

I hate my life so much tbh.

[charventing]

Someone rude ...

Someone anonymously have asked me why I'm such a loser and decided to live in my car.

Whoever you are, Thank you for your rude comment/s. It's really up to me on what I want to do with my life. Your'e rude comment/s does not affect me. And that's for everything and for everyone. I won't say that I will be praying for you but I'll be having fun on what I'm trying to do and you get to see it since you found my social media.

Have a great day to me!

[charventing]

Charsomnia

I know that no one else can read this but … My insomnia got worst! I’m very worried with the fact that I’m going to be like this forever. My anxiety is just really bad … I hate living. I hate my life a lot. Hopefully when I come back to work this will somehow slow down … I mean … I just want to get better!

I’ve hated my life because of what happened in the past. I’m trying to heal … slowly healing … I just wished that I could tell the world how I am really doing.

... I will be fine ...

I am healing ... please be patient ...

I wished I could love myself more.