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chasingarmie · 8 years ago

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Hello. 2017 was my “re-boot” year as I like to call it. I’ve grown a lot privately and quietly. I had scenes worthy of a three-minute standing ovation, but they are mostly mundane ones deserving a personal recognition of none other than myself. I see life through a more beautiful lens now. Change has transpired all throughout the year, but I’ve never been so glad that it did. This is a post on how 2017 changed me in ways that left me equally awed and grateful; and to 2018 me, hey, we’re gonna make this story legendary.

2017

I told myself that I want to be someone “normal” this year.

I hope you won’t crucify me for this but I felt like I was on a roll during my junior- senior high school years. Although I don’t usually like to talk about it but in all humility, I joined a lot of contests during those times, won a whole bunch of them and also lost a whole lot more. Some people don’t know about this because I like to keep my achievements in private and share the victory with my own little circle. I bagged awards in various fields, it came to a point where I won recognition in the Regional, National, and even International sphere. I earned seats in major organizations and had a chance to be with the big-shots in the academic arena of the Philippines.

Such a bragger huh, but trust me, that would be the last of my intention. It was necessary for making people understand how I was at a peak of my high-school years.

You might think that I’m so lucky, but am I really?

SILVER LININGS

I pride myself on being one who doesn’t fear failure. If I remember it correctly it was my “Introduce yourself description” on my first day of class in Grade 11. I told everyone that success is just failure turned inside out, the silver linings in the clouds of doubt. But, I lied.

It’s exhausting to fail over and over again. Of course, it’s vindicating to finally achieve the things that you’ve been working for, but the process it takes you to get there is “consuming” at the very least. I had to cry a lot of times and I spent tears on people who repeatedly threw stones at me claiming that they only want to leave me unscathed and at my very best. It became really stressful for me, and I felt l was alive with rage towards so many people. That was never what I wanted.

It was during those times that I decided to just pause and let go. I wanted to seek genuine happiness and I know deep down in my bones that I had to sacrifice a lot of things, and it includes me being a student on top of multiple awarding ceremonies at once. I wanted to become a student of life.

HUMSS

Paulo Coelho said that once you want something the whole universe conspires to help you reach it.

Interestingly enough on the road to my mission of redefining my self, I met people who altered my perception on what it is to become “normal”.

You see, at first glance my classmates at HUMSS, seem normal, the low-keys, the ones you don’t see dancing at parties with that popular kids type of swagger vibes. They won’t be the ones leading parades and have loud conversations to make people pay attention. They’re the HUMSS for pete’s sake.

Normal to them is laying on our self-bought banig during lunch and class breaks. Normal to them is taking portraits on a rice-field or on mountains or on grassy places or on pebbled beaches. Normal to them is swearing. Normal to them is laughing at dirty green jokes that only us would dare to laugh at. Normal to them is that, just being themselves. And I loved that.

There are people in our classroom who are nothing short of amazing even when they’re “normal”. (1) I have a friend who’s exceptionally good at drawing, she’s well known for that, but what most people don’t know is that she’s also darn good with words, she reads a LOT of books, she threads them into this intricate pattern of hearty prose and texts. She ones wrote me a letter, a passage she got from a Greek or was that Roman Mythology? She said that she knew that I would love a good read, and boy was she right. It made me think of all the words inside her heart and how beautiful they might be. (2) At the first day of class in Grade 11, I met this girl who showed me how it was like to be strong and soft at the same time. This one fancies wearing dark lipstick and sings to songs that are rapped and has amazing and funny beats. One time, she showed me her collection of poetry, ones that she wrote by herself, it was typed on her old phone. Do you sometimes wonder why people are so fiercely strong? Maybe it was because they were once soft and some nights they were broken and they needed to be strong because if they won’t then who else will. I think that girl is soft both on the inside and on the outside, and stronger. Always stronger. (3) This boy likes Philosophy. He talks about things that almost no one talks about. What you don’t know about this boy tho is that he’s darker than most of us. He thrives on wisdom and knowledge. He is erudite, and he’s constantly hungry for more, more of everything. This is what makes him dangerous. I hope along the way he doesn’t lose himself. I hope he seeks and finds his heart’s truest deepest desires. I hope he lives well, honestly truly completely well.

(4) A girl cried during our Christmas Party. Ironically, she smiled all throughout the day and only cried at the end. I wonder the strength it must have took to hold everything in. Maybe it was the vodka? But I know better, I know that this kid travels almost more than 10 kms. to school every day, and I also know that she helps her family by selling all kinds of snacks, and I also know that she has been through a lot and still, smiles. Maybe the vodka was a good idea. Maybe, sometimes we can just pour everything out, because oh gad who knows what might happen if we don’t. I want her to know that I’m here. In case she wants to pour one more shot of tears. Always here. (5) I waved to this boy on the first day of class and he just stared at me. I hated him that day. I gave this boy a huge sketchpad last year because he is really really really good at drawing. I liked him that day. Then, there are days when he comes to school late. What could he possibly be busy with? Then I remember that he was a Yolanda survivor, and whatever it is that takes up his time I know he’ll survive, I haven’t told him this but I believe in his dreams. I hated him ‘once’ but I liked him all the days after and possible all the years more. (6) I hope this girl breaks her heart. Cruel? Selfish? Yes. How else do we know that we deserve someone better? We deserve the love we need to give to ourselves. I hope she comes out stronger.

(7) Singing has been her trademark, and I understand that, but I don’t know sometimes I admire her inner voice more. The way she says she’s evil but she has shown me nothing but kindness. People love her you know. People really love her. Some because of her singing, but most is because of her soul. Flaws? I’m pretty sure she has them, I’m certain she has a lot. But, that’s what being normal is right? She is kind, she is loved, and her voice both sung and shown has taught me how singing touches people in more ways than they can imagine. (8) At last, I got to write about this one. I know she’s hurting. Gad she is. There are nights when she confides to me about the pain, about how it’s all wrong, about how she deserves to be treated way way better. And I know that what she’s only trying to say is that she wants to be fought for, that it’s time to be fckng fought for!!!!!!! I want her to know that she’s right, but I also want her to know that she’s wrong. That it’s okay to be fought for and to fight at the same time. I want her to know that I spoke to someone who broke my heart about everything and only then did the waters became clear. FIGHT. You have nothing to lose now, or maybe there is, but FIGHT because you will lose everything if you don’t. We’re strong independent women right. Let’s let them know. If you’re wondering, yes this is the sign.

(9) (10) There are two people who have marveled me during the years. One lost her father at the day of our recognition, and one speaks about hers with endless admiration. These two girls taught me what it’s like to love. To love both in pain and in joy, to love when a person’s here and specially when he’s not. To love. To be a child. To love even more. (11) I jogged with this boy to a cemetery once. We’ve grown closer now. And I never told him this but, sometimes I picture him as a soldier. (12) The first thing you notice about him, is his size. I may be insensitive here but remind me why again? I am extremely proud of my guy here. Lately he’s been advocating against all sorts of injustices from body shaming to calling wattpad a book. Size is the first thing you notice, but just seconds after you notice how he forgets to bring his WiFi with him, and how he looks at you in the eyes when he speaks, and how his laugh resonates in your heart. I said he’s a big guy but maybe the society needs big guys like him to speak for those who feel so little. Maybe it’s a mission, or maybe it’s a blessing in disguise, but whatever it is, I know that he’s a man with a huge heart, one brave and never cowardly. (13) The last one and the first one all at the same time. I hope he realizes how he makes me happy when he says that I’m the reason why he’s addicted to books. I like the way you turn red on the cheeks when we talk or when you laugh. I hope you laugh more.

Old Friends

I’ve drifted away with people who I once thought I could never finish high school without. There’s Pig and Jascha on top of the list. Sometimes I wonder if I’m such a bad friend, maybe I am. May they remember all our memories nonetheless. May they forgive me for forgetting their birthdays and lying about it. Trust me, I am aware of my faults and I am ashamed of it.

They say burning bridges is okay. But what do you do when the burning was an accident? When you never planned for it to happen, when it just..did. Maybe all I can do is say sorry, but also say thank you.

I know these people are happier now, they have a new set of friends and smile a whole lot wider. But I have a confession.

Making me ashamed of how I was finally doing well with HUMSS somehow made me all the more a renegade. I never blamed them when they never bothered to say hi or hello, I never made them uncomfortable with the fact that they have other friends, I was okay with them being all those things. That’s why I don’t understand why it’s not okay for me to be the same.

At 2017, I fought for someone, hard. I never regretted that night.

Burning bridges can be accidents or not, but one can find solace in the fact that it leads you to new places, one that you never knew you needed.

Debate

I felt less pressured in debates this year, maybe because it’s Brit Parliamentary season.

Family

Truth be told, WiFi has devoured most of our family time. So much, that sometimes I wish we don’t have it at all. I am not the perfect child, nor the perfect sister. I am that bastard who rolls her eyes and I wrestle with my sisters . But, every night all I want is to cuddle with Yanitz and Chim, and hug them when they’re asleep and tell them how much I love them while I still can. Every night my prayers are composed of me praying to God to grant us safety and good health and a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious long life together here on Earth. The very same prayer I had when I was 8 years old. I know that I am not the best ate or child, but I like to believe that 2017 made me a better one.

God

This year I learned to surrender.

I used to take so long when I pray and 80% of it was me asking for things I deem to be necessary, but 2017 made me understand that I have been doing it the wrong way. Now when I pray, I say a quiet scream of praise which takes up 40% of my time then I apologize for all my sins be it on the mind, heart, or deeds and that’s also about 40% and then I say “God I surrender everything to You, everything. Help me to become Your servant. Protect my family always. I love You.” 20% of my time praying is that. It is short but it is powerful.

I realized when you trust God to direct your life, you give Him the power and you give yourself the peace in knowing that you are always at His mercy and His wings. That God is with you all the days of your life, because you surrendered and the Heavens is guiding you. It’s difficult to explain but I gave God the sail to my ship and everything from there has been a purposeful ride.

Short Hair

This was the year I decided to cut my hair short like really really short. It was an impulsive decision, but one that was wanted for a long time, an act of defiance against those who said that I can’t. I enjoyed all the memories I had with this hair even though I looked like Dora and on some days Boots. Still, it was an amazing journey with this one. Power.

Lessons and Self

1. Love is everywhere. Love was there when you smiled at the old woman who wore dirty baggy clothes and who was picking up plastic bottles on theway home. Love was when she smiled back. Love was here when you treated your sister to Greenwhich. Love was wanting to sleep beside them every night. Love was when you forgave yourself for being bad at debates. Love was when you fought for Ed. Love is when you pray. Love was in the flowers that day you decided that it was time to let go. Love was in the ocean when you needed to breathe and when you felt like it’s so much easier to just drown. Love is your Papa, and your Mama, and Yanitz, and Chim. Love is the solace, love is the truth, love is the strength, love is faith. Love is everything, and love is everywhere, you just have to want to see it.

2. You are shitty person. But, that’s okay. You are trying.

3. Attitude really matters. I met a lot of people who are so engulfed with ego and pride that stemmed from their achievements, majority can’t stand them despite their honors. What good is it when you don’t touch people’s lives anyway?

4. Laugh. Satisfaction is hard to find. It’s different to stand under the rain and to dance under it. I’ve learned to do both. I dance in front of mirrors now too.

5. You don’t need a boy. Relationships bring heartache and pain. Some people say they love you but then they don’t. I know it’s nice to feel giddy before you fall asleep but if it’s at the cost of you waking up in the morning and tiring yourself to wait for their replies who by the way wouldn’t be there not until it’s convenient for them, then maybe it’s time to really really really wake up.

6. You’re still a hopeless romantic despite everything you say.

7. YOU ARE NOT AFRAID OF DYING. At 2017, I thought I had cancer. I have this bump in my head that existed for no apparent reason. It was also during this time that I visited a lot of wakes. Somehow there was a button inside of me that just kinda flipped. It was a eureka moment when I realized that I am not afraid, not of dying. It was that kind of realization that takes you on a nostalgia ride and when you look back you realize that you have loved with your heart bruised and with it whole and that you are finally happy, that you have always been happy despite not being so. It was contentment. It’s a scary thought to admit that I am not afraid of dying. Ironic.

8. Skin is just that, skin. I know it’s hard to feel confident when you have a lot of pimples and acne scars, and when you have a bloated belly, and bushy brows. But people don’t remember that about you when you die. Most of the times, people don’t even notice it. We are own critics and a pimple is not fckng worth it.

9. It’s perfectly fine to change decisions. You can go from Point A to Point B. Mistakes will be made along the way, but we are humans that’s what we do best.

10. Forgive.

11. Fight for the things and the people you love. No matter how hard it is. Sometimes, you just have to trust your heart. Everybody can say that you didn’t work out, but nobody can ever tell you that you didn’t try.

12. You turned 18 this year. Fifteen years from now maybe your wedding day. Right now, you have every chance, every opportunity, every day. To turn your aspirations into reality. To love every single person around you. To trust and to forgive when it’s so hard to do so. To be grateful. To give back. To laugh. To dance in front of mirrors. To bathe in the rain. To pray. To work on yourself. To learn. Things will change, they always do, you will too. Make it legendary.

Last night, I told someone how much I hated 2017 how all of those things above were just petty excuses for how much I loathed last year. But, I was wrong.

I wanted to become someone normal, and I think I succeeded. What is normal anyway? Normal is being yourself, normal is failing, normal is loving. I understand now that there is more to life than meets the eye.

My life is normal but it’s not monochromatic, it’s not just shades of black and white. It’s magical and vibrant. Neutrality will always be there but it doesn’t mean that you have to be color blind.

2017 was the year I loved so hard. 2017 was the year I lost people. 2017 was the year I decided that I liked wearing skirts. 2017 made me fat. 2017 was the year I turned an adult. 2017 was the year I cried so much because of Rea Nitz. 2017 was when I loved Yanitz more. 2017 was me being a whole new person, different from who I was once upon a time. I like to believe that I’m stronger now, I’m ready to get back in the game, but now with the added wisdom that the best things in life come to those who find love and beauty in the smallest things. I grew as a person, and I will continue to be a student of life. Wow if that ain’t damn good realizations I don’t know what are.

I’m pretty much sure that 2017 prepared me for a spectacular year and for all the years ahead.

I know I said I hated 2017, but I have never been so glad to finally accept that I was wrong.

#2017

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