chasingeast

[chasingeast]

Day 128- 9:24 a.m., Sunday, April 26, 2020

Something that I've realized, being at home so much, is that there are many things I enjoy doing, but I don't typically have the time to do so. For example I love going hiking but in this current situation it's better to not be near anyone so I choose to stay at home, but the second we're allowed to go back outside I'm going to be itching to go hiking again. Another thing I've realized is that I really enjoy reading. I tend to be a very slow reader so it takes me a while, which requires a lot of time to put aside for me to do as I please. I love working on arts and crafts projects, but I struggle again finding the time and also the place to put them when I'm finished. I love watching TV, actually watching TV and paying attention to the shows but again that's a single dedication which could be used while eating. I also like to concentrate on what I'm eating, maybe there's balance in which I could spend a couple minutes just focusing on the food and then spend the other parts of my time watching shows. I also love listening to podcasts and music but at least for those things I could do while driving or mundane tasks or other things. I also enjoy playing video games, but similar to reading it takes me a while and I want to be able to dedicate the amount of time that I want to towards it. I've also taken up a fascination with exercising which again also takes time energy. It's only usually a maximum of an hour of my day so it's not so bad. I also love to go biking which could be an all day activity however I could be interchange with some of my other hobbies.

 So I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is a benefit to being stuck in quarantine because now I have the time to do things that I normally don't have the time for. If anything I think today I might make myself a schedule, to try and see how I can balance my life, my work life, my hobby life. I'm sure there's a way to make it all work. Even if it's something as simple as playing a game while commuting, not while I'm driving of course. Or doing something while I'm waiting for someone to show up. Instead of taking a break by mindlessly sitting somewhere, I could do something else. I'm sure there's a way. I don't want to take back what I've started to do. I don't have to do everything all at once, but I would love to be able to find time for everything.

 ---

10:59 a.m.

 You’re the one that’s hurt? Everyone is after you? You’re not the only one. You think everyone is coming after you. You think everyone thinks you’re stupid. You think everyone is out to get you. You think that no one wants to have anything to do with you? Look at the way you act. Look at the way you speak. The way you carry yourself. The way you respond. You think everyone wants to avoid you? You make it very difficult to be around and the worst part is that I can’t tell you face to face. I have to beat around the bush, I have to come up with elaborate ways or figure out ways to connect the dots but also not make it seem like it’s directly related to you because if I were to ever tell you face to face, which I have, well that only hurts me. I’ve tried to tell you face to face and you play the victim, you fully believe that everyone is out to get you and that you only want to die or that everyone is out to make sure you die. How could I ever tell the truth if that is the weight that I know I’d have to carry. Because it wouldn’t just be a claim, it would be a threat. It would come out of nowhere, and you’ll keep saying it when I least expect it and you’ll keep threatening me that you’ll do it and that it’ll be my fault. How can I ever speak of anything but a whisper or a lie or feign ignorance when I know that a dark cloud is trailing right behind me with thunder ready to strike at me at any moment? 

 Do I see that you are hurt? Yes. Could I try to alleviate it? Sure, I could do a better job. I could expend myself more. I could reproduce those fake laughs. I could keep pulling at every string inside of me until I fall down and can’t get back up anymore. I’ve done that before. I could do it again. But I pause, because really, I don’t want to anymore. For the first time, I just want to be selfish and look out for myself. I want to take care of how I feel. I want to protect myself because of all people in this world, the words you say hurt the most and I can’t even tell you. 

 I’ve tried. The most recent flesh wound was when I told you about my plans to move out. When I tried the next morning to reconcile because I thought it would be important for me to tell you that I was listening to you and yet at the same time trying to follow my own path. It’s just that, you wouldn’t hear it. For the very fact that I didn’t agree to your idea meant that I was being close-minded, disrespectful, and childish. The fact that I had any idea and even though I tried to respectfully tell you that I wanted to do things my way, you called me all these names, you said these cruel words to me, how else would someone react if they were in my shoes? They’re not just going to sit there and take it. They’ll fight back or they’ll be frozen in place. Unfortunately the timing of my emotions didn’t help in the slightest and only made things worse. So you continue to shout these hurtful things to me, things that I have truly been struggling with and call to shame how disgraceful I’ve been. Everything that I fear is lighting up in a giant flame unable to be extinguished. To think that I knew pain was an understatement. It was worse than losing a loved one or longing for someone that was no longer mine. This was a new kind of pain, a worse kind of pain. It’s the kind of pain when you have all these fears that you’ve been trying so hard to fight and it’s just spat back at you as if to prove that you’ll never be anything more than what you’ve been trying so hard to beat. 

 So I feel sorry for you, still. I’m not angry and I don’t hate you, I’m just hurt. You can’t talk to people with that tone that you use and not expect for people to give you one back. I feel sorry for you that your life depends on other people to make you happy. In order to want to spend time with people you have to be the one invited. To be able to do something you have to have other people that want to do it with you. So when I think back to why we have such a dysfunctional family, you play a role in it too. Last night, we were all eating dinner together. I didn’t even turn on the tv. Dad wasn’t watching anything. Grandma wasn’t watching anything. Only you. Ignoring everyone, only attention to what was directly in front of you, not wanting to break the mold. Even after I brought it to your attention that you were the only one occupied by a device you responded saying ‘what I can’t do what I want?’ and proceeded to continue. We never turned on the tv after. We spoke here and there, dad and I, and occasionally grandma, but you didn’t participate, and you sat between us all with your drama playing. How awkward, as I think back on it. It’s really cringe worthy, really. 

 Family is very important to me. But I find more and more that family is not so easily distinguishable anymore. It’s not as simple as growing up and saying that family is just in your immediate household or is blood related or related by law. As I continue circling around the sun year after year, I find that family consists of the people who I care about and those who care about me. I won’t be rude, and I won’t be scornful, though I may feel it at times. It’s honestly not worth the energy. Part of me is hopeful that maybe just maybe somewhere out there, one day, as I continue to be supportive and nurturing that maybe I can build my own family with these kinds of values. That maybe one day the people who I surround myself by or am surrounded with will want to continue these values whether related or not. That maybe if I have children myself, I can learn what to and not to do. How to be there for someone. How to communicate. How to still be yourself but care about others.

[chasingeast]

Day 127- 11:34 p.m., Saturday, April 25, 2020

Last night was difficult. This was probably the hardest of the week. I've been having more and more vivid dreams. We were reunited and new people. It was endearing and filled with wonder and yet filled me with pain because it was just another dream. Each of them would feel so real as if I were awake. Each feeling made a last impression. I may not be able to recall exactly what happened in the dream, however, I remembered how I felt in them. Longing, dread, excitement, fear, completion. So many strong emotions. 

 Yesterday night was the toughest because of how intensely I felt about these dreams. I was hit by another wave of panic. The fear of loss. I'm not talking about the loss of never being reunited or being reunited and things not working out. I'm talking about loss like losing someone due to circumstances beyond your control. In this case, death. I don't know how my mind led myself in this direction, but I broke down in tears and for the first time in a long time my heart hurt. A fear of losing someone that I care about who I feel intensely for. A fear of losing myself if I ever lost them.a fear of never being able to recover. I feel like there is a very fine line between the loss of relying on someone for happiness, versus caring about someone so deeply. I'm afraid of the latter. Part of me is afraid of love. Afraid of the stories that I hear about the elderly of their significant others passing shortly after due to heart break. I know myself well enough that I very well may fall in that category. It's not a negative sign, I just am terrified of it. To care about someone so much that anything less is not worth living for.in my case, I don't have a physical person in my circle like this. I have fleeting memories of people whom I've cared about. I also have a distant memory of how I felt being left behind. 

 I need to embrace this head on. I need to continue getting to the bottom of my head and truly start fresh. Maybe- all these years have just been training for me to become who I've always meant to be.

[chasingeast]

Day 122- 2:20 p.m., Monday, April 20, 2020

So what’s different now? How is the me of today any different than the me of 10 years ago? 6 months ago? Last week? Yesterday? I still look the same. My voice is the same. But now, I am so much more. 

 But hell, who am I kidding. I never really needed to be more, I just needed to be myself. To feel comfortable in my own skin, to believe in my own thoughts. That’s really what I needed. I didn’t lack those things. I’ve always had them. They were just a little more muted. I am still continuously proud of everything that has brought me to this point. I can’t say that I don’t still make the same mistakes...my room is still a mess, I’m still a hoarder...I could always be better at something, but who isn’t like that? 

 I’m kinder to myself. I allow myself to feel the way I need to feel, within reason. I don’t project my negativity on others, but I will gladly project happiness onto everyone. I still need to catch myself when I feel like the rant parade is going to continue far longer than it needs to. My heart cares about everyone, myself included. I love spending time with my friends, but I’ve also become more and more intune with myself and the things that I want to do. Some days I want to bike around aimlessly just to see what I find. Other days I just want to talk nonstop with my friends. Sometimes I just want to read a book all day long, and I literally have and finished them (so proud!). Other times I just want to do a series of tasks to keep myself occupied. If this is the rest of my life, I’d be very happy. 

 I don’t know what the rest of the year will bring. Will I be in a different circumstance? Will I have a life change? Will I be filled with wonder? Fall apart? Will I be happy? 

 All I know is that I’ve been more forgiving to myself. I can’t change what’s happened, but I can at least be more thoughtful and self aware for the future. I can take each breath and fill myself with more life than I’ve done before. Each second a blessing for another day. It doesn’t have to be a life shattering moment. It could be something as simple as being cozied up in a soft throw blanket and typing my thoughts and feeling away like I am right now. 

 I hope that sooner than later this world pandemic comes to a halt. Nothing will change until then. I don’t want to plan for next year until I get the official paperwork that says I’ll be transferring- no need to prepare so much work when it’s not necessary though I know it’ll happen. Hopefully. 

 I miss my students so much. We had our first zoom session today. It was great to see them and their smiles. They were all so well behaved! I’m sure it came out of nerves more than anything! It was just so nice to see everyone and to hear their voices. I hope that I’ll be able to see them again before the end of the semester, but I’m afraid that won’t be possible. At least I’ll see them next year at the latest. 

 So world, look out because here I am. It’s a pleasure to meet you as an “adult”. Lol, whatever that means.

[chasingeast]

Day 114- 11:52 p.m., Sunday, April 12, 2020

So I’m proud of myself and I’m not bashful about it. I’ve been making a lot of internal triumphs and I am genuinely happy about how things have come to be. I’ve been setting goals to help myself read and I’m sticking to it. At first and still at times I really just like being able to fill out my tracker, to see the bar stay as a constant reminder to maintain my goals one step at a time; but over time, I become immersed in every book I’ve picked up. I really need to be singing my praises to the authors and my dear granddaughter for recommending them to me. They’ve captivated my attention that I no longer, and have never truly cared about ‘how many pages I’ve read’ but rather am interested to see how the stories twist and turn. Lira and Elian go on an adventure in To Kill a Kingdom by Alexandra Christo. Two heirs on opposing sides working together unbeknownst to the later to get the eye of Keto to become the queen Lira needs to be for her people and for Elian to save the human race. I love reading because I get to see a world through someone else’s eyes. I get to walk their adventures. I get to feel their growth and learn about who they are. Reading is more an escape for me, taking me to far away lands. I don’t need an escape, but I like to dream and fantasize. I learn a lot through reading. When I stop and think for a moment, I used to read often. Never quite physical books, but I would read fanfiction about my favorite characters endlessly in middle school through high school. I would lose myself in stories written by anonymous writers trying to recreate the very stories they loved that an audience, like myself, would want to read about. 

 Another work in progress is my relationship with my bicycle. I haven’t touched it in a long while. I think the last time was maybe 2 or 4 years ago. I remember my strongest memory was when I went biking with my buddy J, which was shortly after he got married. It was Labor Day and we were goofing off riding our bikes through the usual path towards the GWB. I was too busy trying to snap a picture while riding that I hit a bump. My bike flew forward, I flew backwards, but my leg got caught under the bike as it toppled over. I dropped my camera and my things. I definitely lost a chunk of skin on my arms as well as my legs and a couple cuts on my cheeks. This was back during the time when I thought I was too cool for school and refused to wear helmets. It wasn’t the best way to get back into biking at the time nor to start a biking trip for the day. We carried on and biked to Halal Guys. I know my bike hasn’t been the same since then. The gear doesn’t shift on the right link and the shifters were scratched and dented in strange spots. It moved out of place so that it doesn’t quite sit right when I hold the handlebar, but it’s just a matter of adjusting my grip. I know it wasn’t a big deal, others have had more dire incidents but it still shocked me all the same. I believe there was one other time after as well, or maybe I’m just imagining things. I just know that things haven’t been the same. Until lately. I had started taking my bicycle out during our remote learning. I’ve been savoring the wind blowing through my hair, the cold tingles in my ears, and the cold breaths I take in as sights race ahead of me. My bicycle takes me to places that I want to go, but would normally be too difficult to travel conveniently on foot, and not appreciated in a vehicle. For some reason, at some point I developed a fear of riding on the road. I don’t know where it came about. I know that I can get finicky at times and need a reintroduction to things I’ve lost touch with. Perhaps that is true in this situation. Maybe I just needed some time. I certainly had it. Until finally, yesterday, I did it. I was able to ride on the road, next to a moving vehicle. Honestly, most of the time I went on the road because there were people on the sidewalks, or the sidewalks were too uneven. It wasn’t until I didn’t quite have a choice because the road’s sidewalk ended and the road was the only option. Thankfully there were very few cars out when I first started to try again. Also, I’m glad that I was able to focus on staying in my spot. I just kept telling myself “keep your eye on the prize”. Whatever that meant at the time. 

 I’m continuing my videos for my students to bring back a friendly face. I hope that it brings some comfort to see a familiar person and to hear from their teacher, but who knows. In this crazy world that we live in and get to experience, anything is possible. I would still like to be doing more, but I think that will heavily depend on how I go about my approach. I would love to see my students in some way shape or form to give them an outlet for support. Even if it’s something as simple as checking in on all the boys and girls. I think that would be enough. It’s still something I’m thinking over and trying to process. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I am ready to face whatever challenges want to come my way. I may not know what to expect, but at least I know what I need to teach. I can figure out the rest as we go.

[chasingeast]

Day 113- 7:29 a.m., Saturday, April 11, 2020

5, 4, 3, 2, 1. 

5 things you can see.

4 things you can touch.

3 things you can hear.

2 things you can smell.

1 thing you can taste.

 This 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 tool is said to be able to help you remember a moment. In a brighter case, to remember moments that are positive and wonderful. Far too often do we get lost in negative thoughts and carry them like our lifeline. It's time to focus our attention on wonder and the joys, which hopefully are more frequent than my memory relays. Similar to my goals as of late, this is another for me to focus on. So whether hygge joins our life or not, there is always something to work towards. Something bigger, brighter, and full of memories to remember.

[chasingeast]

Day 109- 7:07 p.m., Tuesday, April 7, 2020

Every morning, I wake up with a little more hope with a side of a back ache. Haha. I'm convinced that I don't turn in my sleep but rather hunker down like a rock under the weight of my many comforters used to stay warm. Honestly though, my overall mood has been improving and has been turning into something better. There may still be moments that twist my stomach and make me feel my weakest, but that doesn't mean my spirits have fallen. Those moments are just that, moments that come and go. 

 I am thankful for all that I have and all that I have yet to receive, and be given. There is a big adventure out there, just waiting for me to tackle. I don't know what the road may bring, but I hope it's something worthwhile. 

 This heart of mine beats loudly. It carries the weight of all the knowledge it now knows, the experiences, the longing, the desire for more. Watch out world, here it comes!

[chasingeast]

Day 108- 9:42 p.m., Monday, April 6, 2020

My heart was pumping today. I could hear it pounding in my ears. For the past few weeks the chill has been relentless and I would feel a sting from how cold my ears would get, but today was different. Today was a beautiful sunny day. The sun was out and the weather was most ideal. Not quite warm enough for just short sleeves, but not nearly cold enough to need more than a light sweater. It was a perfect combination and truly my type of weather. I had the thought of wanting to wear a dress or a skirt today, but that wouldn’t have mixed well while riding my bike. I don’t feel as worn out going up the same hills anymore, if anything, I’ve done them several times that I know I can make it over the top. Some hills were easier and I would fly up them. Others, I would slow down, but with a couple swift rolls of the pedals and I would be at the top before I knew it. Today was a great combination of things. I was up early as usual- I can’t seem to sleep past 6:30 a.m., so you can only imagine how sore I was trying to force myself to lay in bed until 8 a.m. It was a combination of things such as cleaning, germinating plants, bicycling, prepping food, reading, walking, reading some more, prepping some more, and finishing my night off with a movie and hopefully some more stories. 

 If this is how my life is to be in the nearer future I think I would love it. Honestly, I just felt so much freedom. The most, was really when I didn’t have my phone with me while biking. Though I really would have loved to make a phone call, it was nice to be free of distractions and to just focus on what was right in front of me whether it was the road or just the sounds I would hear as I biked along. It was such a freeing moment. I loved every second of it. I wanted nothing more than to be able to spend my free time doing whatever I pleased and if it comes with a sprinkle of sunshine, count me in! I love the sun. I love being outside (not during hot weather). 

 Feeling the breeze roll by or taking in the colors around me, I loved every second of it. I don’t need many things. I really don’t need much, I just like wandering and seeing. If I really had to name what I needed, I guess it would all come down to a place to rest, some food and space to cook to nourish, my computer, my phone, my bunnies, and my stationery. I suppose I really don’t need much of anything else since everything could be replicated. Having a television would be nice. Having a couch would be nice. But other things like clothes, the number of dishware, other items really aren’t necessary for a wholesome happy life. They were great while I collected them and they no doubt do make me happy, but they aren’t essential. 

 I would love to have my camping gear, but I really don’t need any more. My bicycle to get around. A car is nice. I really feel that I have everything I need. The only thing I don’t have is my own space and freedom to be and do as I completely please. To be able to choose what I eat, how to live my life, how to make myself happy, those are the types of things I don’t have. It can be difficult living here at times. I’m really not complaining in the grand scheme of things. I am free of responsibilities, I am free of expectations, I am free of just about anything, but perhaps that’s the problem. I am too free here. I am so free that it’s frowned upon. I’ve offered to help out but felt increasingly frustrated being laughed at. I’ve tried to be useful but feel embarrassed when given snide comments. More often than not, when I’ve thought of a good deed, I end up changing my mind because I felt belittled. So then I think to myself, why should I bother when I am nothing more than what I’m told. Why make a difference, so I do nothing at all and am only what I’ve been called. 

 There are times that I wish they could understand, but I know I can’t expect this. I wish they would realize that their actions do matter. That they matter. So yes, it is hurtful to be told that I don’t care. Yes, it is hurtful to be told that they wouldn’t be missed if they disappeared, and they guarantee that my wish, that I never wished, would come true. What am I supposed to say to that? How many times must I try to support but am shot down and told that I lie through my teeth? How many times do I need to take it before I give back the same attitude to be told that their words are the truth? How many times do I need to get frustrated and confront this only for me to be called disrespectful and selfish? I get tired too. And though I may not be as tired as you, I am tired too. How many times must I defend someone that pushes me? How many times can I tell someone not to say hurtful things about other people simply because they themselves are unhappy with themselves? Wishing death and pain on others doesn’t do any good. It does not make you better because you wish a sin on others who may seemingly deserve pain. Everyone deserves a chance, and if not a chance then a consequence. There is such a thing as not talking to people a certain way. Just because you give advice doesn’t mean you’re trying to shut them out. You’ve listened and they asked for it, so you gave what they requested, even though they didn’t get to hear all of what they wanted to only hear. 

 So I’m sorry to say that I too get tired of this. You want to know why the family doesn’t care for one another? Look at the way you mock us. Look at the way you laugh with the most delightful voice, dripped with sarcasm how we tend to our own devices and joys. Look at how spiteful you are and wonder why we never spend time together. I’ve asked and been rejected. People only appreciate being rejected so many times. People can only take being spit at so many times. This is a result of your lack of ability to lead. So rather than trying, because it would be more effort, you blame it on others. You blame it on me when I don’t want to be home to listen to you shout more things at me. You take it out on other people and mutter these threats under your breath because you’re too unwilling to say the words that you truly mean. So rather than finding a solution, you’d rather play the victim and showcase your story to find someone to latch onto. You feel so much disappointment in yourself that you take it out on others. And I wish I could do something to help ease your pain, but that is a choice you need to make for yourself. I can only be here on the side as support. You need to decide that it is a choice you want. So the words of wisdom you give me, I know are really just a projection of wishes and desires that you wish you had. The noose you tighten is your fear of losing happiness because you’ve depended on others to provide that for you. So you saying all those words of sarcasm and hurtful words of advice were really to nurture your own heart which feels alone and is too unsure to do something about. I’m tired, but I’m not unforgiving. I just wish I didn’t have to be at the receiving end of it all the time.

[chasingeast]

Day 107- 7:40 a m., Sunday, April 5, 2020

The apex has not arrived yet, is all I keep hearing and reading about. The worst has yet to come to our cities as well as the devastation that is reeking havoc around the world. This is certainly a moment in history where anything is a possibility. The bravery of our health care providers, as they took away daily putting themselves at risk. Our daily market employees who work tirelessly to restock essentials. Our protective forces who continue to work around the clock to make sure everyone is staying safe. And all the personnel who cannot go back to their families out of fear of contaminating them. Thank you all for your duty and selflessness to continue your jobs to protect us and to try to save the world. 

 The world is ever changing and hopefully for the reason alone, things will return to its usual rhythm one day. I'm sure many places will never quite be the same. The stores, the restaurants, and establishments that will have been hit by a great toil. Things may never be the same for someone, things may change greatly for others. 

 I hope in moments like these that people will still find ways to be kind and ways to be supportive of others. Including those I'm surrounded by who wish upon death to our president or other more harmful things. Regardless, he is still a person, who deserves to be treated as one, no matter where my beliefs may lie. I hope that people can find a way to look past their fear and realize the hate they spout is really a reflection of how afraid they are and their own insecurities of uncontrollable situations. I hope that people can open their eyes to look past the hatred and towards the real goal of finding solutions, ones that will harm the least number of people. I hope one day we can live in a world where people put the world as their priority and that people can stand up for what is right rather than what they want for themselves. That is a world that I'm striving for and that I hope will be our world one day. It may very well be a long shot, but at least it's a start. If I'm one measly person who can dream this, there are bound to be more. Together, our voices can be heard. 

 -----

10:57 a.m.

 I always feel a sense of nostalgia and wonder after watching a movie. I’m sure other people can relate to the theatrics and heightened emotions that they feel. It is after all what is considered “movie magic”. Today’s choice was Onward, a newer film by Disney Pixar. The movie is about two brothers on a quest to find a magic stone that allows them to see their father for the day. Of course, as all magical stories go, there is always a big adventure with ups and downs. There is always a feeling of hopelessness, bravery, selflessness, realization, awakening, doom, fear, courageousness, and of course love. It’s movies like these that leave me feeling a good buzz, but that’s the whole point. 

 Minus the magic and the fairytalesque made up parts to create a theatrical story, all other aspects of a movie ring true in real life. You have to go through a series of emotions and trials in order to get yourself to that big moment. To fit everything into a movie, the storyline is condensed, but in real life, the time could be endless. I feel like I’m like a character making their big climb. Each day is a new adventure, each day is a new awakening and understanding of who I am, what I am, what I’m working towards. My goals, whatever they may be, only have meaning to me, because they are for me. So though I don’t have a clear cut label of what I’m striving for, I know what it means to me. It’s okay if no one makes sense of it. It’s okay if I fall down and doubt myself. It’s okay for e to want to pick myself back up and continue forward, onward. My goal is to be happy, to find happiness, and to live a life for myself that is filled with meaning for myself. So whether that’s being a good teacher, or simply creating a new unit of study, finding a new recipe to try, or finding the best go to meal, achieving my greatest accomplishments, or simply being content taking naps, finding my strength and bravery to persist, or wanting to find someone dear to me, they all matter. The goal is dependent on the need, but they all matter. I know what I’m working towards, I have a clear cut vision, even though I am really the only one who knows deep down how to get there. No matter if by the time I reach what I hope I’m looking for and it may or may not be what I anticipated, I hope that I can make it worth my while. I hope that I can lead a life for myself where I embrace the moment and stand up taller than I ever had before because I have my why. It’s for me, to find a reason to live, and to make the most of everything.

[chasingeast]

Day 104- 7:54 a.m., Thursday, April 2, 2020

So the world looks like it's going in a downward spiral. As a rather first world problem, it doesn't look like I'll be able to move out anytime soon. Hopefully I can in August if this mass craziness slows down, but by the looks of it, it won't slow down anytime soon.

 To the very least, I hope I can try to get my spirits up. I really want to spend more time trying to figure out how to channel my energy. To turn someone's negative around, to deflect it, to look deeper and understand where it comes from and that it's not an anger towards me but an unhappiness they feel about themselves. 

 There are many people who feel I'll at the moment and I feel terrible for them. R's cousin isn't doing well. S's cousin passed. R's mother and father passed. A had it but is making a recovery. Dad's not wearing masks when he goes out. I haven't driven to leave the house. We're just basically cooped up. I don't mind it because I know it's necessary, but I'm itching to go away. Itching to drive around and see the world as I've always wanted to. Hopefully one day things will go back to some version of normalcy.

[chasingeast]

Day 102-6:28 a.m., Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Happy more than 100 days! So I can't say that I've been very consistent, but that's not necessarily a bad thing either! I've been spending a lot of time being very purposeful. I've channelled my energy to concentrate on the things I want to be doing rather than wasting time on what I can't control. Though things aren't always 100% the way I predicted or hoped for, it's been an exciting adventure with plenty to look forward to. Some things that I spend my time towards are my crafts, bujo, reading, socializing, learning new things, tv watching, eating, napping, biking, being active, and just focusing on finding happiness. I may not have the most exciting life, but it is a life that is very valuable and meaningful to me. 

 I've been trying to channel positive energy and to deflect negative energy. I know it's impossible to ignore negativity, but no one ever said it couldn't be recycled and put to good use. I cannot control how other people feel or react, but I can control myself. I can be responsible for my own actions and hopefully lead by example. I'm becoming stronger. I'm finding reasons why to stand taller and be more. This short year, since January, has been my most meaningful yet. I am truly learning about myself and who I am, and who I am striving to be. I am a strong, independent, and confident woman. I am kind and thoughtful, though rough around the edges at times. I am carving out a life for myself, to live for myself. I am ready to move forward to this next stage in my life. I am ready to live for me and my future that I want to build. 

 So no matter what comes my way. No matter the career path, the joys, the lows, the love, the loss, I want to make it my own. Something that I'll work hard for, something to protect, something to treasure. 

 So though I'm looking at you from afar, I won't burden you. I'm genuinely glad that you're doing well. I wonder if there is a way our lives can ever be intertwined once more, but I won't linger on that thought for too long. Not because I don't want it, but because I don't want the past to obstruct the future. I want to meet you, for the first time, everytime. So no matter how long it takes or how many times it takes, I hope one day you'll be ready for all this love I have to give. Hopefully I'll be ready to receive love. So for now, I'll just remember that look you would always give me, the one that makes my heart skip a beat and flutter uncontrollably. Until we meet again.

 I hope to be proud of myself by then. I hope I am stronger by then to be who I've always known I was, but was too afraid at a time to reveal.

[chasingeast]

Day 99- 7:47 p.m., Saturday, March 28, 2020

So many things have happened in the past couple days. I've been very proud of myself in the sense that I was able to be part of something bigger. I was able to be part of my previous school organization's planning meeting. I was able to give useful feedback and information to help guide the school in a direction. I felt useful and I felt knowledgeable. I felt thankful that I could participate to help create something bigger for the community. I've also hit a turning point in my own career where I finally am taking seriously the advice I was given years ago, " Take ownership ".. I'm trying to take as much ownership of my career as possible. It's been feeling very strained because I'm surrounded by so many people who are resistant to try something unfamiliar to them. I understand that with stress comes new territory, but this is not a choice that we've chosen. We have so many opportunities ahead of us, so many groundbreaking opportunities if only there's willingness to try. I know I'm speaking amongst closed ears. I know what it feels like to try to talk to someone who's not ready to listen. It's a lot of wasted effort. I guess I just really didn't appreciate how the conversation ended up turning into complaints after complaints, with certain people looking for validation of their complaints. It's difficult to balance working on a team while doing what I need to to be my own best self. No matter how difficult the road is, no matter how many people there are who will never understand, so long as I continue forward bravely, with a goal, with kindness there is nothing that can really stop me aside from myself. I know that I can feel hurt, I'm allowed to be in pain and I'm allowed to feel that pain. But I will not take my pain out on others, I will not be like my enemies. I will not fall weak no matter how much someone else crushes me because of their own misfortune. I want to stand taller. Not to be better than someone else or to compare myself to them. I just want to be my best self, because it's about me. I do believe that if I can bravely move forward, then I can lead by example. Those who are not worth the time, will never be worth the time. It makes me appreciate my co-workers who do have the same heart that I do. I'm thankful for my happy hour group. It's filled with a bunch of amazing people, who I love dearly. 

 I won't always look out for a team, because I believe it's so important to be united. I also know that it's important to stand up for what I believe in. No matter how difficult the struggle, no matter how alone I may be…. I would rather fight for a cause then to cower away due to fear.

[chasingeast]

Day 97- 12:11am, Thursday, March 26, 2020

I lay here in my bed listening to the sound of my heartbeat. It started to calm down. A mere few minutes ago, it was racing as if it were about to run out of my chest. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel or think of anything else but what I was currently going through. Have you ever felt your veins pulsing through you as if your blood would explode out of your body? When a feeling you felt was so strong, that it consumes you and you can't think of anything else? I was so overwhelmed by feelings that I didn't think I could still feel. It's been a while, since I had a feeling remind me of the past. They're not unfamiliar to me, but it's been a while since I last felt a feeling as strong as this one. It did not expect to feel weakened. It was as if a dark cloud was rolling in from the distance, the darkness dancing closer as if on a mission to conquer all the land that the light touched. I felt feelings that I thought I hid away a long time ago. But I knew, on this journey of mine that in order to face myself, all of these locked away treasure chests filled with memories would resurface and open without notice. I miss you. The last time I wrote to myself was when I caved. I know I should not punish myself for regressing. It's not like I check in with you that frequently. I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of dealing with things that I've already known, but I've never had to deal with because I've locked it away. I've been afraid for the longest time, that I've always known that I loved you. That I've always known that I want to spend a life with you. That I've always known that you are irreplaceable and then no one could take your place, that I don't want anyone to ever be able to take your place. That I would do anything to protect you, to protect us, to fight for us. I would do anything for you. That scares me because I know what I've done and no one and no situation would stop me. That's what scares me. That I would go to great lengths to ensure that things fall into place. I wouldn't necessarily say that I place all of my happiness in your hands. It's a unique kind of happiness. It's not like my love for arts and crafts or my career. That happiness but I place in your hands is unique to you and I. It is its own category.

[chasingeast]

Day 94- 10:31pm, Monday, March 23, 2020

Today came as a bit of a surprise. I didn't expect my boss to call me and invite me to a meeting tomorrow. I'm pretty excited that she seems to have enough faith in me to trust me to be part of this team of teachers trying something different. I'm pretty excited, but at the same time, I'm also a little terrified because I don't know what's expected of me. 

 On the other hand, I was very excited today. I got a chance to have a digital happy hour with my co-worker friends. I'm happy to say that I have friends. It honestly makes me so happy. I don't think I've ever really had friends as a teacher, especially friends who work in the building. It's nice to have a crew to turn to. A crew that I trust. I'm pretty thankful for this group of people that I've spent some time with outside of work. I hope to maintain these friendships throughout my time here. They really do have my back and I theirs. They make the work day that much easier. I also have a supportive team that truly loves their career as much as if not more than I do. I'm proud to be surrounded by this tight knit group of fun loving humans.

[chasingeast]

Day 90- 11:43 pm, Thursday, March 19, 2020

So I freaked out a little more than necessary. I didn’t realize that I didn’t erase S from all of my work documents. So when I saw a message from my coworkers about his name showing up in our docs I freak out. I thought I was going to get tattled on so I felt fearful. But then I was also hurt because no one remembered who he was. Not that I could truly expect anyone to since I never spoke about him. Then I felt upset because I felt used. I spent so much time creating my own work and organizing it. He never even took a moment on his own time to look at it. Would only just complain about how things didn’t work for him and how he had the short end of the stick. 

 My heart hurts. I don’t think I ever really got over it yet. Or rather, I think I’m over the warm feelings but I never quite had a chance to deal with how I felt. I felt sad. I wanted to shine and be someone reliable. I wanted to be a resource. I was, however I think I was too overbearing. Being too resourceful is never a good thing. I guess it can be a bad thing if two people work in the same profession and their personalities and successes differ. I’m sure that he came up with great projects and ideas. I’m sure he had success but I only heard about the failures or he wouldn’t talk about work because it happened more often than he wanted to admit. 

 That relationship, though I enjoyed it during its highs was really a fault of my own. I saw everything at the start, but I wanted to be the change he needed. That was my mistake. I set myself up from the beginning for failure. I wish that things could have been different. I wish I didn’t go in with that mentality. I wonder if I didn’t think that way to begin with if we would have had a relationship. My heart hurt that’s all. I kept asking other people for their opinion but no one wanted to say anything or comment. It was so painful. I constantly felt alone. I had to justify myself or just stop mentioning him all together. 

 If it pained you to learn that you hurt me all this time, why didn’t you ever notice when I told you or cried to you? Why did I need to break down and fall apart for you to notice that there was no turning back? Why did I need to question myself and push myself past exhaustion for you to notice that I was in pain? The only thing I learned was that I knew how far I would go for someone, but that’s nothing new. This I’ve always known. 

 My heart just ends up getting hurt. 

 I just need to continue learning how to move forward. To be brave. To have an open heart and to be ready to face anything that comes my way.

[chasingeast]

Day 89- 5:16pm, Wednesday, March 18, 2020

Good morning Leo Today is Wednesday March 18th 2020 Uranus and Taurus sextiles the North node and Capricorn pay attention to what people do promises are of no use to you if left unfulfilled This is Leo today a park has original let's begin your day the moon moves through Capricorn bringing attention to issues you've been dealing with long term The past two years may have brought considerable change around your help career finances or choices in certain ways you might have struggled to reach equilibrium today acknowledge the improvements you've made and the risks you've taken to improve your circumstances The universe honors your journey now take a moment to reflect on your relationships there's an old saying talk is cheap You're a person of action Leo Let the things you do speak for you and when you seek new friends or a partner be wary of those whose actions will either words invest in those who show consistency and come through on their promises the rest is smoke and mirrors contemplate your path to personal growth planets sparkle in your eighth house allowing you to consider the way you invest your physical and emotional assets are you in it for the long haul or have you slept Band-Aids on certain areas of your life perhaps you now have the time to consider more secure solutions 

------------------------------

10:53 p.m.

“Do you know what day it is?” 

This was the first question that I was asked this morning. Yes. I do know what day it is. It’s my parents’ wedding anniversary. My response was a simple yes. A yes that gave no indication to the other person of revealing any more information than I thought was necessary. But I should have considered the person asking. My mother. A person who craves validation, a person who feels an air around herself, whether intentionally or not, when able to hold knowledge above you. So what happens? She states that it’s her anniversary and that I didn’t know it.

 And?

 Was really the burning question that I had. What of it? What were you hoping for? Should I get you a gift? Should I say happy anniversary to you? Last I checked that would be your spouse’s responsibility. Should I shower you with acknowledgement? I’m not really sure what I was supposed to say or do. 

 So what happened?

 I was told that I didn’t really know it and that I pretended until she just told me. Were her words. 

 Hm.

 Well. I’m not sure what was the point of that progression. The only thing that I could gather from it was dissatisfaction. 

 So she continued. If it wasn’t for this day I wouldn’t be born and I’d never be alive. 

 Okay. So once again, where are we getting at this? The only feeling I get is that someone must be so sad and disappointed to need to bring more attention to a statement that was already stated. And because I still did not understand the point I said the only thing I could say, “okay.” What was supposed to say? What was I supposed to have done differently? Should I be thanking you for getting together? Should I be showering you with hugs and kisses? I’m sure I could have done a better job of acknowledging a day that is important to someone else. I’m sure I could have been more thoughtful or not so forgetful that I left a pile of dishes in the sink- perhaps could have been reminded but no let’s use it as spite for later; or wait to mess up to tell me how wrong I am. 

 I’m not playing the victim. I am neither the villain nor the victim. I’m just confused. Instead of using passive aggressive language, why not just outright say what you want. If you want help, ask for it. Don’t say some dodgy comment to put me down or make yourself seem like a damsel in distress. Stop muttering things under your breath for people to hear as you walk away and make them seem like an ass, whether they are or aren’t. Just come forward and say what you mean and say what you want. 

 Don’t give me some backwards statement just because you’re unhappy with your own life that you project it on others. I like to read and I haven’t made it a priority. So what of it? I’m making it a priority now. Why is that an issue to you? But see that’s the thing. It’s not an issue but a projection of things you may want or don’t but can’t or don’t know how to start. So instead of saying what you mean, you say things like “You’re going to get sick of reading if you spend all these hours reading.” And so what if I do. What business or concern is that of yours? What was the point of saying something like that other than to try to show you have leverage over someone. And what leverage would you actually have in a scenario like this? If you were right, now you get to say “I told you so?” Say you were wrong then you gloat about something else? To what degree of unhappiness must you be going through to pick at something like reading? So what do you expect me to say? To agree with you? Hell, you give me attitude and I’ll give it right back to you. Don’t expect me to just take it. Don’t expect me to be like when I was a child. I know you’ll claim that you didn’t breathe these words. I won’t hold them against you entirely because you weren’t in your right state of mind, but they stung deeper than many things. You told me to die. You told me that I was the cause of your distraught and pain. You told me that I deserved punishment for what happened to you because it was my fault for being selfish and never thinking about anyone else but myself, that I only cared about being away from the house. You told me you wanted to commit suicide as I held you that day, that was the first day I ever knew of anything that happened. You unburdened yourself by telling only me all the ways you tried. How many times you tried. How no one, especially me, didn’t care. That I wanted her to die. That I would be no one because I was a selfish person. 

 But you didn’t know I struggled with friendship all my life. You didn’t know I hurt myself when I was younger because I was in pain. You didn’t know I was hurt because I was struggling. I never burdened you. So why did you burden me? I would take the verbal lashing. No matter how much it broke me. No matter how alone I felt. No matter how long it stuck with me. No one ever asked me how I felt. And the only one that I told was as much a child as I was so what were we to do? 

 Everyone feels pain, but you cannot take that pain out on someone else. You cannot just inflict pain on other people just because you’re hurting. So I turn to writing.

 Thank you dear friend A, for giving me the laugh of my life as we deal with our digital learning crisis. So it’s the 3rd day of digital learning and can I say that it’s been quite a learning curve for me. 

 Number 1: Working from Home or WFH. I love the fact that I can actually make myself breakfast if I want to or when I stop answering all the emails that come in. I love being home with my bunnies all the time. You must also really have to love being home and set a rigid work schedule or else you’ll go crazy. 

 Number 2: Emails. They’ve been flowing in nonstop and have been slightly crazy! It’s seriously endless and I don’t know what else to do about it but just shrug and carry on. It started to slow down today and I can definitely tell that parents are checking their child’s progress because I can now see that they’ve logged in. 

 Number 3: Tracking data. I’ve written down everything into my slightly obsessive excel sheet, but it helps to keep me organized. It lets me see who’s doing what. Who is answering what questions versus not doing anything. It let me keep track of which parent I may need to call in the nearer future to remind them that their child is still technically in school even though they’re home. 

 Number 4: Free Time After Work. Never have I ever had this much free time in my life! Considering the fact that we are on a half day schedule so that definitely frees up 2 hour, but I get to participate in a wide range of activities including: reading, biking, walking, crafting, tving, writing, and so much more. It’s amazing how much you can actually get done when you’re not drowning in paperwork or not doing work at home. What a difference!

 Though there have been some temporary benefits, I do miss the kids. I miss their silly antics and their curiosity. Their mischievousness as well as their 9 year old wit. I miss the interactions and the sing songs and just the overall feel of it. I hope that this COV-19 situation will ease up. I hope that we will be able to return to a semi normal life again sooner than later. 

 I’m sorry to S that I was a little harsher with my words today. You were upset because yet another boy bailed on you before meeting you. You demanded to be rewarded for the time you invested. You push forward the notion that you just don’t want to be alone anymore. I had nothing but questions and thoughts for you to think about. You claim that I have it all because I was in relationships in the past, but what of them? They all failed. What do I have to show for them? Nothing. Stop letting your expectations get in the way. Stop demanding that you deserve this, that or the other. Just appreciate what you have and what’s happening in this more challenging moment because there will come a day when things are finally different but you can’t just expect that being with someone will make all of it change. You can’t “start” your life only when you finally find someone. You must be living your life already. You must be happy with what you have to bring the people you want to be around into your life. 

 It’s just the same way that I can’t expect for my life to begin when I try to see him again. I need to be working towards living a life that I want, not in preparation to be alone for the rest of my life, but to be doing what I want when I am there. Having someone is like a bonus, an additional perk to your already wholesome life. People come and go, by choice and by force. You can only appreciate what you have in front of you and the lessons that you learn and carry with you. You have to be open minded to change and be willing to change. So even though I intentionally drove by your house today, even though I sat at that sacred spot we shared at the park, even though I kept driving and my heart felt torn, I kept moving forward. I know that it’s different this time. I know that I’m moving towards the right direction no matter how difficult. I’m finding my way to you due to our past, but I want a new future. I want to start with fresh shoes and new eyes. I haven’t visited your pages. I don’t want anything I see to cloud my judgment. That is the only area that I can tell you I’ve been selfish. That it matters very little to me where in the world you are, who you are with, or any of these other details that should matter. The only thing that matters to me is if there’s any desire or any feeling or want left in you. That’s what drives and motivates me. That 0.01% chance that maybe, just maybe this could be more than I ever imagined.

[chasingeast]

Day 88- 2:09 P.M., Tuesday, March 17, 2020

So she posed a thought yesterday which got me distracted from her conversation about someone she was interested in. She claims that I haven't been able to forgive what happened in the past and that's why I cling on to him so much as this ideal that I'm working towards.

 I won't deny that once upon a time It used to be a dream and it used to be some far-fetched idea, but it's not. There are still parts of me that are resentful but not to him. The result is towards myself. Throughout this whole time, since the very beginning, I've had the time to see how far I would go for someone. I would go very far. I would go so far as doing anything I could to make them happy. I would go so far as to throw myself at them if only they could look at me. I would go so far as turning my back and never looking back. I would go so far as to think of them when they're not near. I would go so far as to keep putting myself in front of them no matter the odds. I would go so far to turn my back completely only to keep running, and then to turn around and run faster right back towards them. I would go so far as to hurt them because I myself was hurting and did not know how to deal with it. I would go so far to finally realize everything I've always known, but needed the time to understand. I would go so far as to wait for them years later, never knowing, not sure of if there's ever a chance but still hoping. Do you know what that feels like? Do you know what it would take? You don't.

 I'm still trying to find ways to forgive myself and my own actions. The only thing that I've learned really was that I needed to be okay with myself and to stop being who everyone else saw me as. He was so important to me back then, because that was at a point in time when I wanted to be myself and it was the first time that I was trying to do so, bravely. That's why all those moments meant so much to me back then. He was there when I began. When we met again, I was also facing a new part of myself, but when we met again he only saw the person that he knew and not this new me. I felt stuck between leaving someone who I felt no longer loved this new me, and seeing someone and feeling so lonely because he didn't want this new me either. No one wanted me. I didn't even want myself. And so I cracked. I broke apart and tried to rid myself of who I first was and tried to go back to my new self only to realize that she didn't make me happy either. I was left alone with no one to hide from, no place to hide from. It was my original self versus my new self. No tricks, no glamor, nothing. It had taken all these years to realize, again, what I've always known. I can be both of these people and find peace so long as I accept them both. I don't know if he'll accept who I am now, which is a combination of things. But I think part of this is the point. I need to accept myself for who I am. He will need to accept me for who I am if anything is to become of this. I would have to accept him for who he is now. If neither of us do, it won't ever work. No matter where he is, no matter who he's become, no matter who he's with if we're meant to be together we will make it happen. That is the only thing that I can count on. I would never hold it against him if he didn't choose me. There's no amount of time there's no amount of right timing, it's a choice. Everything is a choice. We would have to choose each other no matter if the timing is right or wrong. The choice is what makes the difference. I would spend an eternity waiting for his choice because it's no longer about what happiness I'll find next but rather that I want my happiness and joy to be shared with him, and that's the difference. That's what I've always known, that I've been afraid of. Finding someone and simply allowing someone to be in my life is easy. If I really wanted to the act is easy, however, to be able to keep making those choices even after the fun and the joy of long gone is the true test. It's the butterflies that he gives me, but it's also the way I smile to myself just by looking and thinking about him. It's taken me so long to figure that out that I feel silly. You cannot replace the person. Though there are so many people in this world that bring me joy, and I know that there will be many more who will bring me immense joy, but the fact is that if he's not there, I will never be able to share that with him and nothing replaces that.

[chasingeast]

Day 85- 6:30 A.M., Saturday, March 14, 2020

So let all the crazy, things might start to settle down. It's official, there is a serious condition going around. This is coronavirus is definitely taking a toll on everyone's sanity. Our school just declared two week closure due to a county wide closure. We've been rushing around with our heads dropped off to make sure that the work is completed and ready to be pushed out to the students. I hope that it will help alleviate the stress of things. No I love my coworker, some of them more annoying than others. Especially the ones that text at 5:00 in the morning. I understand the concern, however it's still not all that big of a deal to make something work out in the meantime. At least I can work on report cards at home. It was kind of nice to be a face of calm during a time of adversity. The students were so sweet, they told me and stopped me from what from what I was doing to tell me that they would miss me. As I in return told them the truth, that they make me happy and are the reason why I want to come to school and do a good job everyday. I love my kids and they are very good. I can be very tough on them, because I know that they're capable of amazing things.

 Cheers to new beginnings and experiences in the world of teaching. Regardless of everything that's been happening, it really has been an amazing experience.

 1:06 P.M.

 Wherever you are. Whenever it is. Whoever you've become. I'm running straight towards you. My strength is increasing each day. The road is still long. The path is unpaved and crooked. There are traps in every direction. But that little light at the farthest end gives me strength. No matter the opportunity or the outcome. I have the bravery. It's building up. I'm picking up pace. I will push myself forward. No matter what it takes. To keep fighting and moving forward to reach that light. Even if it may not be what I hope for or expect, it doesn't matter. If there's even a little bit of hope of you being somewhere. If there's even a possibility of a chance, to me, it's worth it. I've spent my whole life hiding. I've held myself back because I've been afraid of the one thing that can take me down. I can't deny the fact that I'm terrified beyond belief, but it will no longer stop me. I want to give you my most earnest effort and love. Regardless of what happens whether it's received or not. This is a feeling unlike any other. There is no amount of time. There's no timeline. No matter how long it takes or how soon it is. So long as there's an inkling of a desire, that's all that matters.