chatterboxxo

[chatterboxxo]

57.6- oct 25

goal- -0.3kg/day.

[chatterboxxo]

60.3kg->57.25kg????????????

[chatterboxxo]

its october and im 126lbs wtf- i havent been self aware of what ive been eating and ig stress took me over frl

[chatterboxxo]

ahh its been such awhile since i came on here. physical skl started back so i walk more, and ive been maintaining  a weight of 58kg, time to go lowee

[chatterboxxo]

WILD UPDATE

if i can buy and sneak a fucking scale into my room then i can do anything stp. SO i went to the park to jog and thn we went to the stor AND I WAS SOOO FUCKING SNEAKY LMAOOOO I CANT BELIVE I HAVE A WHOLE SCALE IN MY ROOM AND NO ONE KNOWS LMFAOOOO WEIGHT LOSS HERE I COMEEE. 

sso yh im still abt 133, 134, but omfg iland is starting in april i have to be at my ugw by then. actually nvm...i realese that saying that is my beoggest mistake. “if i lose 2kgs per week then ill get her by february” look where i am now, fuckin no where bcuz i keep getting dissapointed when things dont go my way.so yh. any time i reach 45kg is the time a reach 45kg. starting now.

my limit is 700 today and i had 400 and im gonna exercise now sooo yh Day 1 ig

[chatterboxxo]

finna try this tmrw lets gaurr

[chatterboxxo]

I GAINED 1.4lbs TODAY AND STILL BINGED JUST NOW. how hard is it to not.....eat

[chatterboxxo]

just saved myself from eating 400 cals worth of spam omgg

[chatterboxxo]

idk why i feel like being a real life ana buddy to other ppl- the urge to drag my plus size friend down the drain and into my ed bcuz im a sick mf-

“i can be a plus size model cuz im not slim”

me: “but you can always change urself if you want to”

“i guess i can”

me: “i can help if u want”

“huh? wym”

me: “yk if you dont know how to change urself for the better or dont know where to start, you can always ask me lol”------she dosent know ive had an ed for 5 yrs and cant get better so i wanna drag other ppl into it so i dont feel lonely-

thank god i held myself back bcuz this is top tier manipulating omg imagine if i actually gave her ed tips and lowkey told her to starve herself and id be the cause of her ed- what am i

the scary thing is that she wouldnt even know my plans to have her hate her body so much- id keep it so lowkey and sneaky- i gotta recover quick omg

[chatterboxxo]

I’m going to try to be more active and involved on this platform going into the new year ✨

Some background, I’ve had a history of body dysmorphia for years with undiagnosed EDs (from ana to mia to bed). Although I’ve had continuous drive this year, I’ve failed at being control (the prior year I lost ~25 pounds and hit my UGW but then lost control and regained more than the total lost putting me at my hw in January). So going forward, I’m going to stick to my rules list and add new rules as they come up so I can hit my new UGW in time for a trip this summer.

I am in control.

Rules:

Tracking calories is a must. Make sure to capture everything from 0 cal sparkling water to 5 oz. broccoli.

Daily weigh-ins. Weekly measurements. How else will you know if you’re making progress.

Only eat once a day or when socially necessary. If eating out, choose the lowest cal meal and blame an unfinished plate on a stomach ache or getting too full.

Never finish everything on your plate // choose the smallest dish and silverware.

Drink water throughout the day and throughout each meal to slow down consumption rate.

No sweets or snacks allowed (too binge-able).

When preparing a meal, make sure it has a protein, vegetables, and a fruit. Even though you are tracking cals, you need to make sure you are getting nutrients // preventing hair loss.

Pick out a daily vitamin that is low to no cals.

Have health-specific reasons for meal-planning (e.g. I can’t have cheese because of a lactose allergy).

Daily walks of medium intensity for at least 30 min. Higher intensity workouts as possible, depending on the weather.

Post at least weekly to make sure I am staying on track.

Goals:

Lose enough weight to fit in to all of the clothing I already own without looking like a sausage.

Buy new, cute clothing and actually feel confident going outside.

Reach UGW by summer / time for trips.

Maintain the weight loss.

Current info:

Height: 5’6”

HW: now (~140 lbs)

LW: 115 lbs

GW1: 130

GW2: 120

GW3: 115

UGW: 109 lbs / UGW BMI: 18.5

What I want:

Skinny waist

No love handles

Skinny wrists

Skinny thighs / thigh gap

Skinny fingers / long dainty fingers

I am the only one who can make a difference in my body. I am the only one who can change who I see in the mirror. I am the only one who can fix me.

[chatterboxxo]

I ONLY ATE 180 cals for 17 hrs AND I LOST A POUND JDHcjdvjfn

[chatterboxxo]

IM TOO HIGH FOR THIS RN GOODNITE

[chatterboxxo]

WELL THIS YEAR IS OFF TOO A GREAT DAMN START HUH. 

[chatterboxxo]

been on this so called diet since sptember and lost zero.pounds. zero.kgs. I LOST NO WEIGHT OMFG I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT. its my consistency thats the problem. if i could kill myself i would but i dont wanna die being fat. i wanna see what it feels like to be skinny and have girls stare at me- rn im 134.2. i can be at 115 by the end of january if i lose 2kgs per week.

[chatterboxxo]

im so sick of myself being like this. the fact that i cant blame anyone else for me not losing weight and im the literal reason why i eat. like i want the weight loss sooo badly but obviously i dont want it bad enough cuz i keep eating shit with no shame or remorse. ive always had this problem with being consistent. no matter which diets or exercise routines i do, ive neverr stuck to them for more than a week. since the 4th grade i always did some healthy vegan diet or shit and all my diets were different each time but ive never pulled through. and that just makes me feel like ive never accomplished anything worthy. and then when i post abt starving myself and binging, some random ppl message me like “hey u shouldnt starve, lose weight in a healthy way”. WELL YEA SHIT BITCH I BEEN TRYING TO DO THAT BUT IT SEEMS LIKE STARVING AND EXERCISING IS THE ONLY THING MAKING ME LOSE WEIGHT. so yh even though ik its unhealthy, what matters to me is that i end up skinny.  

[chatterboxxo]

[chatterboxxo]

shit shit shiiitt shit ok sooo my family doing a CHRISTMAS FAMILY PHOTOSHOOT and- im still a fat piece of shit like if i dont loose weight by the 25th im gonna literally kms. imagine me being the fattest person there omllll someone kill mehfvbjdvh.