cheekymuse

[cheekymuse]

It’s tiring ...

A lot has happened in the two weeks since 45 took office. And to be honest, it’s just been draining, on top of being scary, horrifying, sickening and anger-inducing.

I’ve been trying to gather my thoughts for a while now because I know that writing about it will help, but it almost seems that’s there’s too much. Instead of rehashing what a lot of other folks who are much smarter than me have said on many issues, I’m going to give my take on a few overarching topics. However, rest assured that everything 45 has done that has horrified people who lean even an inch to the left has horrified me as well. 

Agenda of Hate

It’s clear now that the hate-filled rhetoric started on the campaign trail was not an anomaly or even an act. It was, in fact, a true representation of this man’s color and character. It’s obviously also the color and character of those around him. What makes it particularly horrifying is that there seems to be a large portion of the U.S. who don’t care. While there have been rallies and marches spearheaded by the people who do, I’m more concerned about the people who aren’t speaking up, because that signals to me they’re just biding their time. 

Alternative Facts

This is just wrong. Alternative facts are lies. End of story, period. Next.

Drunk with Power

The flurry of executive orders 45 has signed in the past 14 days is pretty astonishing. Not record-breaking, that distinction belongs to FDR; however, he was trying to work us out of the largest financial disaster in history at the time, so maybe we give him a pass on some of those.

It is clear to me that 45 and his inner circle believe that the best way to get things done in Washington is to forego Congress all together. If they were enacting legislation that helped puppies and kids I’d probably be okay with it. But since they are rolling back legislation meant to safeguard retirement funds, enacting racist travel policies and poisoning our water supply, I’m a little less chill. The president is not a dictator and willfully ignoring the checks and balances in place will collapse our democracy quicker than a fruit fly’s lifespan. Which leads me to ...

Drain the Swamp

I’m so tired of this phrase, but I do believe that 45 thinks avoiding Congress is one way to fight against the establishment - which is something he campaigned on. However, there are reasons we have checks and balances, why we have a separate judicial branch and elect our officials. Because we the people believe that these representatives will speak for us and represent us. 

While we did also elect the president, it is naive to believe that one man could keep everyone’s interests in the balance while making major policy decisions. That is why he is surrounded by experts - policy makers, lawyers, politicians - who can provide him with the counsel he needs. He’s ignoring this fact in an effort to appear anti-establishment. No, honey, ignoring people smarter than you when deciding the fate of millions is just stupid.

Time for a Time-Out

While it was obvious during the campaign that 45′s temperament was not suitable for a role that is, at its heart, diplomatic, it has been shown in stark relief over the past week. Picking fights, speaking off-the-cuff about policies he knows nothing about and refusing to take briefings all demonstrate that it’s his way or no way and trying to reason with him is like trying to reason with a 4 year old. The fact that he can’t see this nor can he seemingly take advice to dial things back a bit is a dangerous situation. There is literally no one he will listen to except for B*nnon and that man’s political leanings have been well-documented. If we’re looking for Sloppy Dresser to advise 45 on how to behave we are looking in the wrong direction.

My last post was pretty depressing. I suppose this one is too, but I’m also more angry than I was before. I do believe that we will enter into some type of ridiculous conflict with Iran before the year is out if 45 is not stopped; I do believe we will start to either imprison or continue to expel citizens of certain religious or political beliefs; I do believe we are less safe today than we were on January 19th.

However, the rallies and marches have encouraged me. The deluge of phone calls, faxes and emails that are being sent to Capitol Hill encourage me as well. If nothing else, they demonstrate to the rest of the world that we are not a country of a singular mindset. It shows that we know what 45 is doing is wrong and maybe that will curry us some favor when one of those nation’s attacks. Maybe they can just direct the bombs to D.C. instead of scatter shot across the U.S.

I still don’t have any answers. I still feel helpless and hopeless and it still baffles my mind that people who voted for 45 are now shaking their heads and saying, “Well, we didn’t think he’d really do it.” Guess what, he did. And it will take us years, if not decades to undo it - to repair our reputation around the world, to once again become a country that I am proud to call home.

What also baffles me is the lack of response from the other side of the aisle. It seems as though the Democrats are worried of offending them. DON’T BE. They’re not worried about offending us and the policies they have enacted, or redacted are far worse than you standing up, putting your foot down and saying “Enough!”

While it’s true that current actions will affect mid-term elections in 2018, we need our elected officials to take a stand now before it’s too late. 

I fear it already may be.

[cheekymuse]

It’s getting worse.

Every day, things seem to get worse. It’s more violence, more hatred, more death. And I don’t understand. I don’t understand how this became the world we live in. I have always known there was hatred in the world, but never before has it felt so close to our shores; never before has it actually penetrated our bubble that is the “American dream.”

Mass shootings seem to have started the avalanche. Kids with guns stalking their school hallways looking for victims. Disillusioned war veterans; mentally unstable young adults; police officers; and then white supremacists.

And here’s what I don’t get: isn’t the purpose of surviving history, of going through the war and death and famine and plague and dictators and assassinations and the arms race, isn’t the point of all that not to repeat the same mistakes? What more proof do we need than the Holocaust that a regime of hate fueled by white men who feel threatened will lead us down a dark path? What more proof do we need that nuclear war is not the way to go then the pictures of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in ruins, shadows of bodies flash frozen in time? What more proof do we need that suppressing women, minorities, gays and lesbians will lead to more discrimination, more hate than the burka-clad women in the Middle East or the Midwestern middle-schooler who tried to hang himself because of his sexual orientation?

If we are only going to repeat the same mistakes, cycle through the same fighting, the same name-calling, the same hate-filled rhetoric, than what is the point?

The list of things I don’t understand could easily fit an encyclopedia’s worth of pages. It would sit on the shelf next to the list of things I don’t know and things I feel. Warped shelves bending under the weight of it all; of all the things that I don’t know.

What I realize is that there is a fundamental divide between myself, and those who think like me, and the others who are simply fueling other peoples’ fear with hate speech and lies. And that divide is this: I believe everyone has the unalienable right to live his or her life however they want. I believe that people of color are not less than simply because of pigmentation. I believe that women know what is best for their bodies because it is their body.

I believe in everyone’s right to exist.

And I do not believe that the existence of others is a threat to me.

I do not believe that differences are a threat. I do not believe that ideas are a threat. I do not believe that thinking and speech are threats. I do not believe that freedom is a threat. I do not believe civil disobedience is a threat. I do not believe that your existence, his existence, her existence, their existence is a threat.

The threat lies in the misinformation being spread, in the ideas and history that is NOT being taught in classrooms. The threat lies in the widening divide between upper and middle and lower class, between the haves and the have-nots. The threat lies in calling someone ‘other’ just because they are different, in encouraging violence just because you don’t understand. The threat lies in isolation from each other and our ideas so that ‘they’ become more and more mysterious and soon ‘they’ is frightening – the bogeyman who lurks under your bed or in your closet. The old lady in the scary house at the end of the street who never throws errant Frisbees back. The old guy who lives alone and never leaves his house.

I’m a straight white girl from a middle class family; I know I have had it far easier than many, many other people throughout this country and the world. But what I don’t understand is how people who have had it easier than me – you know, the rich white males – how those people have grown up to become unsympathetic dictators who feel entitled to governing everything in the free world – including women’s bodies, people’s marriages and public restrooms. These men speak of entitlement with derision; entitlement is for those people, the lazy ones who don’t want to do any work, who think that everything in life should just be handed to them; that they should always get their way.��

No, that’s you. You are the entitled ones. 

I am angry and I am mad and I am sad. I feel helpless and hopeless and genuinely worry what is coming next. It feels as if everyday there is another revelation that is worst than the last and still no one has stepped up and said “Enough!” I was naïve, I realize that now, to think that a man’s misdeeds, some criminal, some simply vulgar would preclude him from holding office. Because he is a man – a rich, white man. Imagine that.

I am tired too, and I haven’t even done the fighting. I’ve done a lot of hand wringing and venting and tweeting, but not the fighting. And I realize that I am part of the problem. But it feels too big. It feels too final. It feels too hateful.

I don’t have children and I am grateful. I could not explain this to them. I wouldn’t know how; I can’t explain it to myself. I don’t understand how we got here (to be clear, I understand the logic of how we got here, I don’t understand how the hate got this bad). I cannot fathom the notion that there are some people who wake up every day and ask, “What freedoms can I regulate? How can I prevent women from having control? How can I stop minorities from achieving equality? How can I prevent people from going to the bathroom?”

I honestly do not understand hatred. And I am not some Pollyanna, I know that people will disagree and think differently and have different opinions and you know what? THAT’S OKAY.

It’s okay to disagree, it’s okay to discuss, it’s okay to shrug your shoulders and say “Nah.”

You know what is not an okay response to any of those things? Violence, hatred, genocide, persecution.

The people in charge now believe what they believe on the same level that I hold my convictions. As much as I believe that hating someone for the color of their skin is wrong, they believe it’s totally justified. As much as I believe that a woman’s right to choose should only belong to the woman, they believe that it should not. As much as I believe that unchecked gun ownership is a very real threat to society, they believe the absence of guns would be worse.

Who knows how long people have been fighting wars; certainly since the dawn of recorded history. There was probably a caveman at one point who picked up a rock and hurled it as his neighbor because he stole all the good meat off the mastodon or something. And since this need to fight seems to be intrinsic, we have come up with all kinds of reasons to justify it: religion, race, ethnicity, land, oil, money. And we have invented even more destructive ways to kill each other. Rocks progressed to sticks which progressed to bows and arrows, then muskets, shotguns, semi-automatic weapons, land mines and nuclear bombs.

The Cold War was one long game of chicken, and it ended, not because somebody flinched, but because people on both sides of the conflict realized that dropping nuclear bombs on each other wouldn’t solve any problem. So both sides put the cover back over the red button and shook on it – I won’t drop mine if you don’t drop yours. In this instance, it appeared cooler heads prevailed.

What happens when the person in charge of the red button is a hot head? Someone who can’t see past his own ego to consider anyone else’s state of existence. Someone who thinks Twitter is a better use of his time than intelligence briefings. Someone who seems awfully cozy with one of our sworn enemies (okay, now ally, but it’s fine, red line).

I don’t have any answers and I think that’s what bothers me the most. I am simply angry and anxious and apoplectic day in and day out. Some days I get lucky and I feel numb. Yeah, lucky to be numb.

I suffer from depression and anxiety and at my darkest moments, I always trudged forward holding onto the hope that things would get better. Maybe they wouldn’t get better for me, but better for the world, better for the country. Things could never be as bad as my chemically imbalanced brain believed them to be. I feel that hope fading now, I find it very difficult to look on any new day with a sense of hope, of awe, of wonder. Instead, I just feel helpless, because it’s hopeless.

[cheekymuse]

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Mark Twain (via lazypacific)

[cheekymuse]

Exceptional show. Present, timely, unafraid. Marvel needs to do more of THIS.

[cheekymuse]

Adulting

I am really overwhelmed and not okay.

[cheekymuse]

Amazing art!

Star Wars: The Force Awakens Posters - Created by Danielle Dernoga

[cheekymuse]

Imagine your mind as a computer, and what is essentially you is on the monitor in front of you. You can access your data/memories, programmes/functions and even go into sleep. 

Now imagine thinking as browsing the internet. You open your web browser and start surfing, you have all the right security programmes to stop pop-ups and viruses that you may come across. 

People with OCD do not have all these programmes. People with OCD get pop up after pop up, they fill the monitor and leave you unable to access anything else on your computer, the virus renders you useless, only able to perform the same few tasks, restarting yourself over and over again, all because you are missing the security programme people without OCD all have and take for granted. 

That is what OCD is like.

[cheekymuse]

I'm not okay

Here’s something no one ever tells you about being an adult. Most days, you’re going to feel like crap.

Some days it’ll be physical - you won’t get enough sleep or you won’t have time to eat properly or you’ll have a headache or diarrhea or inexplicable aches and pains.

Some days it’ll be mental - you won’t meet a deadline or you’ll miss a detail or you’ll run out of time to take care of yourself or you’ll blow off a friend/loved one/significant other.So you’ll spend a lot of time feeling worthless or useless or a waste of space.

Adults don’t talk about it because I suppose it’s a shameful secret when you’re in your 30s that you still don’t feel like you’ve got your shit together. Plus, as a teenager, it probably would have freaked me the hell out if my parents or any adult had admitted, “Hey, you know what? I don’t have a fucking clue either.”

But the assumption is, once you become an adult you’ll understand. The universe, the meaning of life, the way of the world, why finding time to go to the gym is so damn hard … but you figure you’ll at least *know* something. Something that you weren’t taught in school, but that you learned at the feet of Wisdom.

And the cruel irony is that it’s just not true. You won’t know anything more the day you turn 30 than you did at 29. Or even 18 to 22. Yes, your perspective will shift. The sheer amount of experiences you have will inform your life and simulate knowledge, but in the end, it’s not real honest-to-goodness intelligence you’ve gained. It’s just the illusion of knowledge.

It’s not intelligence you need. It’s a hug. It’s someone telling you that things will work out. That it’ll be okay and no one will die because you missed that detail or that deadline. That your significant other will still love you even if you do neglect them for an evening. That you are still worthy of love and affection even if you’re not perfect.

Obviously, I struggle with this. I struggle with being imperfect and feeling worthless when I make a mistake. I struggle with being unable to make the type of impact on the world that I want and therefore, struggle with getting through the day. I feel worthless and stupid most of the time. I often question why I’m even here. At the end of the day, I’m not sure I even really matter to anyone. And that makes trudging on a real chore.

I’m sure this sounds dramatic and overwrought, but I don’t know if there are words to accurately capture how much self-loathing I feel on a regular basis.

I often wonder how I got *here* - to this place where I don’t want to continue on. Sometimes I envision my life as a interconnected series of pathways, tunnels and roads and at some point, I took a left when I should have taken a right. Who knows, maybe it was a legitimate mistake, like I swerved to avoid a deer or an oncoming car. Regardless, this is the road I’m on and now I have to make the best of it.

You know what? I’m tired of making the best of it. I’m tired of smiling and laughing and pretending I’m okay. I AM NOT OKAY. I don’t feel okay. I feel worthless. I don’t want to be here. I know that’s not very sexy or attractive, but it’s the truth.

[cheekymuse]

I love Shel Silverstein!

[cheekymuse]

I’m not sure what I feel ...

Or what I think, or what I want ...

I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t want to write or read or sing or leave my house. I feel completely unmotivated. I would say I’m depressed, but I’m not sure that’s it exactly.

It seems that the only thing I “want” to do is train and work-out, which is a mind f*ck let me tell you. Although I think part of that “want” is borne of fear: fear that if I don’t keep making it my priority I will stop doing it all together.

I know that when Anna and I spoke last week, she mentioned that maybe some of the overwhelmingness I’m feeling in regards to other aspects of my life (i.e. work, future, money, moving) might be more about the fact that I have the eating/health thing sort of under control and so I’m looking for all the different facets of my life to fall in line.

But I’m not 100% sure that’s what it is ... I’m still not convinced that I just can’t manage more than one major thing in my life before I shut down. I honestly don’t know what the answer is. I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I know I can’t stay at my current job indefinitely, there’s just no way, but the question must be raised - is there any job I will find satisfaction with? In the twelve years I have been working steadily, the only job I ever liked was working at Walt Disney World, and I’m not so sure I could do that now. 

I think I want to teach, but I honestly don’t know. And I thought I wanted to get my PhD, but the more I look at the schools that have the program I want, the less enamored with the idea I become. My goal is not to move again - at least not a giant move, but I have no confidence that any of the schools I would attend for my PhD would be in areas where I’d want to settle. I thought LA would be my place, but now I’m not so sure. The drought aside, I don’t know if I want to be renting an apartment ten years from now and unless I find a way to become independently wealthy, I’m not confident that I’ll ever be able to afford a house or even a condo. At least, not any time soon. I mean, my trainer just managed to buy a 1 BR/1 BA condo for $300,000 in Glendale. And she’s in her late 40s/early 50s. I’m not sure I want to wait another 10 years to feel like I’ve put down roots.

I feel like I’m at a loss and not knowing what to do means I don’t want to do anything. Where do I go from here? I’m honestly not sure. At the moment, I’d like to just go home, order a pizza and marathon a TV show or watch some favorite movies.

[cheekymuse]

It’s been a while ...

Since I’ve written about my journey and considering how crappy I’ve been feeling, that probably illustrates that I should be writing and reflecting on things more frequently.

Here’s the thing: I went to Comic-Con about a week and a half ago and had a great time. I felt like shit, but I did have fun. It was very difficult for my body to adjust to eating crappy food again, since I’ve been doing so well to eat clean. Next year, I’m going to have to figure something out, because I don’t want to feel that crappy for another five days - it did diminish my enjoyment of my time away somewhat. 

It was good to spend time with Jami too, of course. I love that girl. She’s been such a good friend to me for so long and I have to remember how thankful I am of that. Her positivity and enthusiasm definitely help to brighten my life and I’m grateful to her.

I was concerned that while I was away, my eating would get out of control and I would gain weight. That doesn’t seem to have actually happened. I last weighed myself on Friday, July 3rd and was at 282.4. When I weighed myself this Saturday, July 18th, I was 275.8. So, apparently, I didn’t gain. That means I’m now down 24.2 lbs since I started this new lifestyle on June 1st. I want to be proud of that fact and celebrate that success, but for some reason I still feel hesitant to really acknowledge it. I mean, in truth, I’ve never lost this much weight as an adult, so you would think it would make me extremely happy. 

But I guess part of my issue is that I feel I’ve kind of forsaken all else in order to make these lifestyle changes. My writing output has dwindled to a paltry amount and my enthusiasm for other things has faded. I’ve run into this issue before, where if I’m not obsessing over what I’m eating or cooking or if I’m not working out, I feel like I’m failing.

I find that I don’t want to do other things. I have a hard time leaving the house to go to the movies or to meet up with April. I still don’t know how I feel about my desire to spend time by myself. I am worried that I’ll hit my later years and be alone and I’m not sure if I feel okay about that either.

I am increasingly less and less thrilled with my job and I realize that it is again the two year mark, where I seem to get an itch to move on to something different. I think that if I saw a way I could move up in this job or have different responsibilities, I would find it more bearable. But it is literally, the exact same job dealing with the exact same issues and the exact same people. I don’t know what it says about me that I can’t stay at a job without growing restless every few years. It must illustrate some type of shortcoming or impatience or something. It makes me feel like a failure that I can’t stay at one job for an extended period. I lasted at Hodes for almost four years, because I kept pushing for new opportunities or responsibilities. I feel like that’s not really an option now. I reached out to my supervisor and asked for us to set up a lunch to talk about possible opportunities, but I don’t hold much hope. I feel like in the past two years, all of my job skills have plateaued, especially in relation to the jobs I want - i.e. digital media and strategy jobs. Nothing I do now has anything to do with that. Everything related to this job is completely logistical and doesn’t require creative thinking. It does require problem solving, but it’s kind of limited problem solving, since so much of what I do is dependent upon other people. I’m not sure it can really be called problem solving when the solution is to lean on a vendor to get them to work faster.

In short, I’m disappointed in my life at the moment and the fact like I feel I get one thing under control and then lose control of everything else. Why can’t I have it figured out by now? Why can’t I have the training stuff and the eating stuff and the working stuff and the writing stuff and the personal stuff all co-existing in harmony? 

[cheekymuse]

So happy for Kumail - it's a dream come true!

KUMAIL IS LIVING THE DREAM

[cheekymuse]

Friendly reminder 🌱

[cheekymuse]

This week has been ... interesting

I finished my sugar detox on Sunday, June 21 with very little fanfare. I decided to get a piece of cinnamon coffee cake at the farmer’s market in celebration and also buy a ton of fruit I could now eat. And I decided to try cashew milk as it appears I am allergic to almonds and Soy is no good for you.

I felt pretty good on Sunday and Monday and most of Tuesday. And then I started getting gastro distress and I really don’t know what from. As always, I find it difficult to keep eating the same things over and over again and as a result, I ate a few times this week - still sticking with the program, but just not cooking for myself. 

And I’ve been so hungry this week ... like Audrey-level, “feed me now” hungry! It’s so discouraging. I thought I was doing pretty well managing my hunger, but this week it just blindsided me. It felt as though I wouldn’t be able to get through it. I did, of course, but even now, I’m pretty hungry. On a good note, it appears that egg whites don’t bother me, more the yolk, so at least I don’t have to give up eggs completely. 

I haven’t added back any refined sugar to my diet, except for a sprinkling of maple syrup I had on some oatmeal the other day. I have added back oats, and I’m wondering if that’s what’s clogging up my pipes. Or I’m wondering if my body really can’t handle sugar and I need to keep it out of my diet. I did some research on fruit today and realized that many of the fruits I chose to reintroduce this week are higher in fructose and sucrose than others: grapes, cherries, plums, peaches, apples and bananas. So, maybe the secret is fruits with less sugar. 

I don’t know - in general, I’ve been feeling pretty crappy and kind of worn down this week too. I mean, I was tired when I first gave up sugar, but I’m wondering if this also has something to do with my new birth control. According to the side effects, it shouldn’t cause gastro issues, but maybe it can cause mood issues (well, actually I know it can since it’s literally a pill full of hormones).

And I’m officially sick of avocado! When did that happen?!?!? I’m so bummed. I can still handle it as garnish or as guacamole, but not by itself and not as the main centerpiece to a dish. What a bummer!

[cheekymuse]

This week was harder than most

Most days I really dislike being a girl. On top of the gender inequality, less pay and in general, being looked at like a second-class citizen because my genitals are on the inside, I really, really hate having my period. 

It’s been bad since I first got it when I was 12. Heavy and painful and messing up my entire GI system. Going on birth control was a godsend for me. It finally regulated my flow and cut down on the cramping. Didn’t help so much with mood swings, but I wasn’t expecting miracles.

Long story short, my birth control ran out and it took me a little longer to get a doctor’s appointment. I had gone about 3 months without my period while finishing out my birth control. My body seems to respond very strongly to any kind of drug, including hormones. Of course, the day of my doctor’s appointment, I got my period for the first time in 3 months and it was a mess. 

For the past 2 and a half weeks I’ve been doing a sugar detox and had no GI issues, so Tuesday night when it felt like my intestines were going to explode I was really bummed. Now, two days later, I realize I think it was all a result of my period.

So why am I whining about this? Well, for one thing - I’ve been so hungry this week and because my food options are limited on the detox, there hasn’t been a lot I could do about it. But I mean, I. AM. HUNGRY. And, I want some chocolate, a big giant bar of it. Or maybe a hot fudge sundae ... or brownies - a full pan of brownies. 

Do you see my dilemma? I was doing so well with the detox for the past 15 days or so and now I feel like a rabid animal that has to eat. Now, I’m dreaming of all the things I can eat on Monday, instead of considering how to go about slowly working foods back into my diet. I’m so disappointed. Maybe by the time Monday rolls around my cravings will have dwindled a bit. But I’m finding it very hard not to consider getting some cheesecake on Saturday when April and I go to the Cheesecake Factory for a late lunch. I mean, I’m sure I won’t, because I’ll only be 36 hours away from being done with the detox, but man, the temptation is ridiculous. I don’t want to be controlled by food, I really don’t. And I’m happy that my clothes are fitting better and I’m continuing to work out.

I think what I fear most is the idea that I might try to work foods back into my diet and then undo all of my good work. Like if I don’t keep eating like a monk, I won’t see results. I mean, what happens if I eat something with flour in it and blow up like a balloon? Am I really done with eggs? 

It feels overwhelming. I thought I was handling things pretty well, but I’m tired again this week and find I have very little tolerance for just about anything. I don’t really want to see anyone. 

And because I got sick on Tuesday night - I missed my movie premiere - :( So I didn’t get to see Inside Out and now, I’m not sure when I’m going to go. That’s been bumming me out too. *sigh* Why do I want to hibernate? Am I really that little of a people person? 

[cheekymuse]

Day 12 is the hardest

It's Day 12 of my detox and it's been hardest today to fight the allure of sweets. I think this might actually be a hormone issue as my time of the month is nigh, but that means my rational brain - you know, where the will power lives - is even more unreliable. Ugh.

[cheekymuse]

Today, I want food ...

I want ALL the food. Not 100% sure why I feel this way. Still feeling fairly depressed. I find it interesting that I don’t find myself craving a particular food, although I could really go for some pizza. 

But at this moment, I want food. 

Another issue could be that I have a calendar from my trainer I’m supposed to follow everyday. This morning I was supposed to get up and do calisthenics and I’m not comfortable doing them yet. I’m supposed to plank, do walking jacks (which are like jumping jacks) and crunches. Apparently, it’s really only useful if you do it on an empty stomach, hence first thing in the morning.

I would rather get up and do bicep curls or go for a walk or do 35 minutes of Zumba than do these exercises. I know it’s not supposed to be fun, but I really feel like I’m not doing these exercises right and so that makes them ineffective. 

I don’t know, I guess it’s just very hard for me to get excited about calisthenics. Jane Fonda would be ashamed.