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she rawr xddddd

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Hex Girls from Scooby-Doo! and the Witch’s Ghost(1999).

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The Waxing

My asshole feels like it has been fisted by the Incredible Hulk for 87 hours straight and then was douched with a mixture of moonshine and cocaine. 

My entire asshole is on fire. For future reference, to all of those reading, when you find a wax kit that you adore more than your own children, DO NOT try to switch it up for the hell of it. This decision will only come back to bite you in the ass (literally). Good God, my rectum has transformed into sort of torture chamber that only Dolly Parton and Satan herself could enjoy,  Oddly enough, my vagina, who could probably win an award for most yeast infections and UTIs in a single month, feels perfectly fine. 

What I would give, for a single droplet of moisture to fall upon my yearning anus. Alas, my butt hole feels like the Sahara Desert. Cactus and all, pounding me from the back. On top of the global crisis occurring on my backside, my monthly visitor has arrived and with vengeance. That emotional bitch really could not deal without being the center of attention for 3 days. I have accepted that there is a Nagasaki level of destruction in my pants. 

UPDATE: The asshole of her royal highness herself is officially open for business for a limited time only for Prime customers. Special exclusions may apply. To find out if you are eligible to become a Prime customer, please check your bank account as the booty ain’t cheap. Data rates may apply. For questions or concerns regarding my anus, please hit up the dms. 

6/4/18

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New Rule: if it don’t hit my molars, I don’t fuck with you.

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The Everything Bagel

It was a late night hookup like any other -- hot, sweaty and dangerously intoxicated. 

I remember it all like it was yesterday, because it was yesterday. It was a perfect storm: it was my day off, my Friday night plans had been cancelled, I was already in full makeup - it would have been a sin not to if I’m being honest. While I was looking like a straight up snacc, I was swiping through Tinder and what do I find but the clean shaven, Shady Rays suntanned, clit tickler sportin’ face of the local hot hillbilly who used to bully me in high school appear upon my screen. It was basically fate. 

So, like any good whore does, I swiped right. Seconds later, we matched and I knew I had him right where I wanted him. Every girl on the planet knows that when she swipes right on a quasi-attractive man on Tinder and is immediately notified of the match, it is only a matter of time before that unfortunate soul is trapped. That poor boy, a vulnerable, wounded turtle would soon find himself in the nest of a horny, gray-haired honey badger. 

We matched, we did the stomach-churning, mind-numbing, soul-deadening chit chat for about 30 minutes until we both agreed that the most logical course of action for us to take was to hookup in his Toyota Forerunner in the back of the Hardee’s parking lot. What can I say, I live in a small town. 

We do the sex and as expected, it was like the first 15 minutes of Private Ryan except, at least those guys got to be in France. I was covered in old Taco Bell mild sauce and had an old curly fry in my hair. It was glorious. 

After, as I’m wiping the toxic mixture of old hot sauce and cum from a man whose diet consists of fast food and mountain dew aka Chernobyl Boy, we engage in more meaningless chit chat as if we were ever going to see one another again. 

Then he says to me, “Hey, I think you might know a friend of mine. His name is ____”. I did know him from high school and I said something along the lines of, “Oh yeah, nice guy”. To which, this man replies with: 

“Yeah, he said your pussy smelt kind of like an everything bagel but I didn’t get that today” 

AS IF THAT WERE THE MOST CASUAL THING TO SAY TO A WOMAN. And that is when I blacked out and the spirit of social anxiety and proper manners took over my mortal body and I bid this hook up, a good night. 

PS: no, my pussy does not smell like an everything bagel. I do not know where that rumor was started. 

4/10/18

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Today (March 31) is International Transgender Day of Visibility, and I’m sending love to all trans folks today, and always.

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Come see the universe with me..

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