chefespiritual-a

[chefespiritual-a]

seeing Sam unexpectedly walk into Coretta after how things ended between them eleven years prior;  it had not only taken Michelle by surprise, but as her eyes watched from across the room, it was almost as though she had stumbled into a time-slip and suddenly she was twenty-two all over again.  she could feel all those bittersweet feelings start to bubble to the surface as she watched Sam from a safe distance;  ready to dive into the kitchen, if her ex were to even glance in her general direction.  

she had to admit, Sam looked amazing.  she was still as beautiful as ever, and that breathtaking smile...  god.  it continued to have the power to make her heart skip a beat inside her chest.  but most of all, Sam actually looked happy.  and she was definitely in a much better place in her life, as well as her career.  so that was refreshing for Michelle to see.  it made her wonder what things could have been like if the two of them had lasted౼if they hadn’t been so... different back then.  

but Michelle’s plan to stay out of sight hadn’t worked.  she had gotten so lost in her thoughts, that her eyes had involuntarily wandered from Sam.  and as she snapped herself back to reality, she looked up to find Sam heading straight for her.  fuck.  she mental scolded herself for not paying attention.  she didn’t think she was emotionally prepared to deal with another impossible ex, given how things had been with both Ana and Judy lately.

but, before she knew it, she and Sam were both sat together at the front counter acting like Michelle hadn’t ghosted her for more than a decade.  “so are you... uhm...”  her gaze momentarily shifted to the ground as she spoke, she felt a little uncomfortable.  she knew Sam to be somewhat defensive when it came to personal questions.  “are you living here... in Laguna, now?”  she was curious to know whether Sam had actually settled down somewhere  ( maybe with someone? ), or if she was still running from anything she considered to be too serious.   

@saesonallover​     -     a starter you didn’t ask for but got anyway?! 

[chefespiritual-a]

does anyone have that irrational thought where they’re like “i wanna delete all my blogs and start over where no one knows me” all the time or is it just me and my anxiety? 

[chefespiritual-a]

But what if we were meant for each other? You weren’t suppose to be the one that got away. How did we end up here?

[chefespiritual-a]

“things won’t always hurt this bad.”

losing her mom had been the single hardest thing she’d ever had to go through;  it surprised her just how much it actually hurt.  she didn’t remember feeling this kind of pain over her dad.  but after her dad died, Michelle had channelled most of her pain into anger against her mom who shut her out emotionally.  but this time, she had no way of avoiding feeling those intolerable feelings.  she had to feel it.  

Michelle just nodded.  she knew the pain would eventually ease.  though, it would never stop hurting, not completely.  but it will become a dull, bearable pain.  she knew that much.   “sometimes i get so caught up in my life, that i just... forget.”   she sighed, as her hand squeezed Judy’s hand - which she had held in her own this entire time.  “is that bad?  i mean, is it normal to forget that she’s gone?  or, am i... being selfish?”

@faultyoptimism​     ( a meme )

[chefespiritual-a]

Oh to wake up to someone who’s smile is as sweet as honey, every morning

[chefespiritual-a]

Michelle deserves so much love.

[chefespiritual-a]

saesonallover​.

her worry was still laced with anger which was a little surprising, but it was what sam deserved. this felt distinctly different from other moments between them. even while michelle was gathering various bandages and medicinal supplies sam couldn’t help but worry she had pushed her a little too far this time. that they might not bounce back from this one. and that scared her. she reached back into her hair and massaged her own scalp for a few moments, eyes sliding shut as she let the warm water continue to fall over her. and once she had cleaned herself up some and washed off she turned off the water, grabbed a towel, and dried off for a minute before stepping out onto the bath mat.

michelle had left the room to get her something to wear that wasn’t wet or freezing and sam was surveying the bandages michelle had pulled out. sam didn’t deserve her. she felt keenly aware of that reality in this moment and, towel wrapped securely around her, she wandered into michelle’s bedroom where she was rummaging for clothes. she stopped just short of her and resisted the urge to wrap around her like she usually would. it was her go-to for smoothing things over but she felt like it wouldn’t do anything but hurt her case at the moment.

“i shouldn’t have come here,” she spoke quietly, announcing her presence in case michelle hadn’t heard her come in–she did seem distracted. “you have class in the morning and…” she trailed off. her heart felt like it was going to beat right out of her chest, which at this point would be an act of mercy on its behalf. she was terrified, both of how she felt about michelle and at the prospect of losing her. god she didn’t want to lose her. she didn’t want to lose her.

“michelle?” she reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder. it was an innocent touch, nothing like the usual touches she would give when she was trying to lure her into bed. “i’m sorry.” she had already apologized but that was more for the way she had just shown up, for waking michelle in the middle of the night. this one was for all of it, including how she had treated her before, for so callously brushing her off. she didn’t know if it was the alcohol (though she was pretty much sober at this point) or the fact she was exhausted but there was a lump in her throat and the threat of tears made her eyes and nose burn.

her hand fell away from michelle and she wrapped her arms around herself. she was fully covered by her towel and michelle had seen her in far less but she had never felt so naked. she was shivering again but this time it had nothing to do with the cold.

“please say something.”

she really wanted to agree.  she wanted to tell Sam that she was right, that she shouldn’t have come here after questioning their entire relationship and making her feel like it was all in her head.  but she didn’t.  she didn’t want to say anything, because she knew if she did then tears would surely follow whatever words she even dared to speak.  

she also knew Sam didn’t really have anyone else she could turn to;  and though she could definitely see why Sam seemed unable to keep people in her life, she couldn’t help but feel sad for her.  she couldn’t imagine the feeling of not having anyone in her life who she trusted, or who trusted her.  so she wanted to be that for Sam. 

Michelle froze as Sam’s hand came to rest on her shoulder, her heart thumping quickly at her delicate touch.  Sam wasn’t being forward or forceful.  she wasn’t pulling her in close or trying to seduce her into submission, like she usually did.  things were definitely different between them, but not in the way Michelle so desperately wanted.   

“please, just don’t make this harder than it already is.”  Michelle eventually whispered, before shaking her head.  and she resumed her search;  tossing aside a few items of clothing before pulling out a pair of sweatpants to go along with the shirt she had found a moment earlier.  she pushed the drawer closed and looked up to see Sam standing with her arms wrapped around herself and she held out the clothes for her to take.  “because i—-i love you. i do. and—”  a lone tear made its escape down her face as Michelle finally gave in to her emotions.  “i know you don’t want that. so let’s just… get through tonight and that’ll be it. okay?” 

[chefespiritual-a]

saesonallover​.

michelle was pissed, that much was evident. it was actually a relief. sam would have felt even worse about herself if she had shown up and michelle had been nothing but kind and doting. she felt a little like a child being scolded but somehow michelle found a way to make even that feel soft. it gave her the sudden, and intrusive, thought that michelle was probably going to make an amazing mother someday. when she was with someone far more stable, far less of a troublemaker. someone who could commit to her and give her the things she wanted out of a relationship. more or less, someone who wasn’t her. though that thought stung.

she did as she was told and headed toward michelle’s bedroom, a space that had become so familiar to her over the past several weeks. it felt comforting to be there. safe. she suddenly caught herself feeling mildly exhausted. michelle caught back up with her, bottle of water in hand which she instructed sam to drink. again, sam did as she was told and took a few sips before setting it back down on the sink countertop. she kicked off her shoes near the cabinets beneath the sink and peeled off the wet shirt, letting it drop to the tiled floor. the sensation of the air hitting her damp skin made her shudder. she reached beneath her wet hair and unhooked the necklace she was wearing and dropped it on the counter next to the water bottle.

“there isn’t much to tell,” she finally spoke again. “i went to a bar, i got into a fight.” she unbuttoned and unzipped the jeans hugging her hips, even more tightly due to being soaked, and she tugged them down. she knew this answer wasn’t going to soothe michelle, though the truth probably wouldn’t do much to soothe her either. still, it would be better than having her be so angry. if she didn’t come clean there was no telling if michelle would allow sam to stay for the night, much less stay in her life. she sighed. “i was upset about our conversation earlier. i just… wanted to blow off some steam, so i went out. but drinking was just making it worse so i found a girl who didn’t look like she would snap like a twig and i picked a fight.”

that was sort of all there was to it. she reached around behind her and unhooked her bra and tossed it near the rest of the wet pile of clothes. and she reached her hand under the water to make sure it was warm enough. it burned her skin a little but that was fine with her. she reached down, slipped out of the last garment, and she stepped into the shower. she was achy and the hot water stung the cuts on her face but she already felt better. but maybe that had more to do with michelle.

she let the water continue to rain down onto her, getting rid of the goosebumps that had been covering her skin. after another swell of silence she glanced over toward michelle. “i’m sorry, okay?”

“oh.”  was all Michelle managed to breathe out as she leaned back, her hands coming to rest against the counter at each side of her hips, to support her weight.  she didn’t think Sam had any right or reason to be so pissed about what happened that she would go pick a bar fight.  if anything, she should be the one letting off some steam.  she was the one who was left heartbroken.  so, a part of her wanted to question Sam, and ask her why she was so angry that their impromptu date night didn’t go ahead.  but she didn’t want to deal with a second argument in the same night.  she was too exhausted to go through that again.  “are you stupid?  you could’ve got yourself fucking killed.”  she shook her head;  her words coated in disbelief, but her voice was still soft and somewhat quiet.  she was almost too tired to even scold her about that.  

as Sam discarded the last of her clothes, Michelle averted her gaze down to the ground.  it wasn’t like she hadn’t seen Sam naked a million times before, but this felt different⎯more invasive.  it wasn’t the time to be watching, or admiring... or getting distracted.  so, instead, Michelle just turned to the cabinet behind her, raising her head as she did, before busying herself with finding what she needed in order to clean up Sam’s injuries.  she wasn’t quite just how bad they were, but there was a good amount of blood soaked into Sam’s shirt so she just pulled out various band-aids, bandages, medical tape… anything that could be helpful.  but, as she placed down the bottle of peroxide on the counter, Sam’s words caught her off guard.  she froze.  the i’m sorry echoed in her mind.  it seemed genuine, but Sam was a master manipulator when she wanted to be.  “i’m sorry, too.”  if she hadn’t asked her to come over earlier that night, none of this would have happened.  Sam wouldn’t be hurt and she wouldn’t be awake at 3am looking after her when it was the last thing she wanted to be doing. 

“i’m gonna go get you something to—”  her breath caught in her throat as Michelle moved quickly into her bedroom.  she could feel her heart start aching more and more with each word they exchanged.  she needed for this to be over, for them to be over.  she fumbled through some of her drawers for something Sam could sleep in, teeth grit tightly as she tried to stop the tears from falling down her face.  for now, at least.  she wasn’t sure if Sam even wanted to stay the rest of the night.  but she was going to insist on it anyway.  Sam could take the bed, while Michelle crashed on the couch.  she didn’t really care too much since she was going to be up in a few hours for class and doubted she’d even get back to sleep after this. 

[chefespiritual-a]

Judy x Michelle - Dead to Me

[chefespiritual-a]

i have so many days lately where i feel so much like deleting this blog because Michelle just gets so overlooked. like, i get it. she’s a side character in a few episodes of a Netflix show. but she is more than we y’all are seeing on screen and i would like to develop her in ways outside of her relationship with Judy. but, no one (except like one person) is ever interested in plotting with her. and that makes me sad. because i love her and i want to keep writing her. but at the moment, writing her is making me anxious. because the only active threads i have are with my main Judy. (who i love with all my heart and is the only reason i stay)

[chefespiritual-a]

Reblog if your muse always needs SNUGGLES… but only receives STRUGGLES.

[chefespiritual-a]

why does Michelle always fall for such broken people?  like for real... she needs someone who’s good and will love her unconditionally.  

[chefespiritual-a]

I’m afraid to love you. I’m afraid that you’ll leave and that I’ll go back to being alone again. Only it will be a hundred times worse because I’ll know what I’m missing. …I want to be able to love you more than I fear losing you, and I don’t know how. Teach me… Please teach me. Don’t let me destroy this.

[chefespiritual-a]

believing in soulmates/astrology/ghosts/aliens/true love etc makes life interesting and fun

[chefespiritual-a]

saesonallover​.

it was fucked up to show up like this, in the middle of the night, face bloody from the fight she had been in, but she was doing it anyway. she could have, should have, gone home to lick her wounds and sleep it off but she wanted to see her. it was because of their argument earlier that she had gone out and gotten herself into this situation in the first place. it wasn’t michelle’s fault, she would never blame her for her own stupidity, it was all on sam. she had gone out to that bar. she had started that fight. she had gotten herself thrown out, still a little tipsy, and she had given the taxi driver michelle’s address instead of her own.

she was a fucking mess.

the weather seemed to understand the mood she was in, too, because on the way there it had started raining, a torrential downpour that felt almost cinematic. so by the time she got from the cab to the apartment building she was soaked, and she was dripping on the hallway carpet as she waited for michelle (or a disgruntled roommate) to open the door. she breathed a sigh of relief when it was michelle.

she winced a little when michelle took her bruised hand and pulled her inside. now that she was there, and beginning to sober up, she was regretting her decision. she shouldn’t have shown up like this. she should have gone home, but she couldn’t just turn around and leave now. she sniffled, ran her hand underneath her nose and caught sight of her own hand, red and a little swollen around the knuckles. “huh,” she exclaimed quietly, more to herself than to michelle. then her gaze rose to meet her– whatever they were.

“can i borrow a t-shirt or something?” she asked. standing inside her apartment in her rain soaked clothes she was freezing, her arms wrapped around herself to try to find an ounce of warmth. (no warmth to be found there, though, she should have known.) she shrugged a little, jaw clenched to try and keep her teeth from chattering. “you should see the other guy,” she answered, an answer she knew michelle wasn’t going to like. she had already fucked up once tonight, much earlier in the night. now she was on her way to doing it again.

Michelle had gone to bed thinking about their argument;  did they break up?  where they even a thing to be able to break up?  she thought they were, but Sam seemed to have made it clear that they weren’t.  so, was she being unreasonable?  was she expecting too much from Sam?  she had questioned herself over and over in her mind, before she eventually passed out.  and then... this.  but this seemed very typical of Sam, to Michelle it seemed like she liked to do things in the most dramatic of ways.

a frustrated sigh pushed from her lungs;  lips pursed, catching between her teeth.  she felt a little lost, not really knowing what to do.  she knew she needed to clean her up, give her something to wear, and make sure she didn’t get sick.  because at the end of the day, she still cared about her and she would never turn her away in this condition.  but she was still so mad at her for what she had said earlier that night, and depending on her explanation on she got those wounds, she had a feeling that anger might amplify. 

“just… go through to my bathroom.”  Michelle ordered softly, ignoring Sam’s attempt at humour.  she wasn’t in the mood for it.  not now.  their fight had been over Sam’s inability to take things seriously, so the last thing Michelle wanted right now⎯after being woken up when she had class in less than five hours⎯was more of that.  

Michelle moved into the kitchen, where she grabbed a bottle of water, flicked the heating onto a higher setting to warm the place up for her a bit more, and she followed Sam through her bedroom, and into the en suite.  “here, drink this—”  Michelle placed the bottle of water on the counter near the sink as she spoke.  “sober yourself up a bit.”  her voice was soft but there was a tone;  her frustration and anger were all evident.  but it was her way of protecting herself.

she so desperately wanted to just wrap her arms around Sam;  to pull her in to a tight embrace, keep her warm, fix her wounds.  she wanted to tell her that everything was okay.  because she loved her and seeing her so hurt broke her heart.  but she was hurting too, and Sam didn’t seem to see that.  or she did, and she didn’t care.  Michelle wasn’t sure.  she just knew she had to start putting her own feelings first.

“you need to take of the wet clothes...”  Michelle insisted as she flicked on the shower.  she wanted her to warm up in the shower, clear away all the blood, before she gave her something to change into.  “and tell me what the actual fuck happened, while you do.” 

[chefespiritual-a]

“…didn’t know where else to go…” 

it was almost 3am when she was startled awake by the rapid knocking on her apartment door.  her eyes shot open as she regained all sense of where she was and what was happening, before she heard it again  ⸻  the rhythmic rapping against the wooden door.  she was hesitant to move, at first.  she was home alone.  her roommate was out for the night with their friends.  Michelle had class the next morning, so she had stayed home and crashed early like she always did on school nights.  the memory hit her suddenly, as she just lay, and she started to assume that maybe they had forgotten their keys... again.  and, so, she huffed as she stumbled out of her bed, dressed in only a tank top and her underwear, and she ran her hands up and through her hair, brushing it out of her face.  she was still half asleep and her heart was racing inside her chest as she made her way out of the bedroom.  

Michelle pulled open the apartment door, expecting to find her drunk roommate.  but instead, her eyes focused on Sam;  who was standing at the other side of her doorway, soaked through her clothes and dripping wet onto the hallway floor.  her heart immediately sank at the sight of Sam’s busted up face, panic setting in.  “Sam!”  she breathed.  “what the fuck--?”  worrisome eyes widened as they moved over the wounds decorating her pale, wet skin, before they travelled down to see the blood stains covering her damp clothes.  she shook her head in disbelief.

one of her hands moved up to rest on her own chest, to feel her heart as it thumped inside her. the other hand simultaneously reached out and took Sam’s bruised fingers into her own, not realising the damage that had been done to her knuckles, as she used it to guide her inside.  “what happened to you?”  she asked, before closing the door behind her. 

@saesonallover     ( a meme ) 

[chefespiritual-a]

@faultyoptimism

my girlfriend: *breathes*

me: 💖💖💖❣❣💟💌❤❤💝💝😍💓❤❤💜💜💙💜🌠💙💖😍💚💖❤💕💟❤🌠💕💕💙💓💕❤💖💘💖💋💖💋💗💖💞💗💞💗💚💟💟❣💝💟❤💌🌠💝💕💖💘💟❣💖😍💋💖💘😍💖💋💖😍💋💖💘💖❤💕❤💕💕💓❣❣💟💟💕💓💕💝💌💛💝💝💛🌠💚💝💌💚🌠💝💙💞🌠💞😍

her: how did you say that out loud