cheshiregrinplus

[cheshiregrinplus]

Got into a fight with my partner last week. I was cranky and started a fight. I tried to stop, but just got tangled up again. I shut his computer screen on him. I know I fucked up, he was mad, I was mad. so I tried to walk away. I got to the kitchen.

He stood up, raised his voice, and came up behind me in the kitchen. He was saying (paraphrase) it wasn't fair/ok/right that I shut down conversations. He said I didn't care what he wanted/had to say and he had to just stop because I'm crazy. He actually really said crazy.

I got my shoes, coat, keys and left. When I realized his car was behind mine, I went got his keys (threw mine) and moved the car. Then drove the crv into Edinboro. My kid was getting off work, so I drove him home and we shot zombies for a bit. I drove home after.

A week later I was still mad. Even AA and therapy didn't get me through it. I'm a little better, but still mad. I tried talking to him, that didn't help either.

Then I had a bit of a fight with my best friend too. I might explain that later. Now I have to sleep.

[cheshiregrinplus]

Saturday therapy was at home. Angie was reluctant to come out, but Dawn was willing. So I thought sure, why not?

Dawn had decided it wasn't a good time for Angie to be out because she was worried about our overall stability. I didn't argue the point, I agreed. I might have coaxed Angie out anyway if Dawn hadn't been willing.

My therapist didn't take long to understand Dawn was talking. She commented afterwards that Dawn's voice was icy. I explained that Dawn was capable of violence if the body needed protected, but otherwise she wouldn't do anything like that. Starting violence would put the body in danger, the opposite of her 'job'.

[cheshiregrinplus]

Angie is coming out for therapy. It's difficult.

She seems to be focusing on a single event so we can limit my exposure. (Thanks Bob, for the words.).

[cheshiregrinplus]

Sooooo weird stuff happened. I'm not going to get into specifics bc it's just too weird for me right now.

That said...

Dawn is a protector. Her original 'role' was to hold the violent, angry, 'dangerous' emotions for the system bc we didn't 'allow' the system to feel or show those types of emotions. Her other role was to protect the body. She likes Creed, Nickelback, Staind, Puddle of Mudd, 3 Doors Down and similar. She has dark hair, dark blue/purple eyes, and likes to smoke (but we quit). She likes dark clothes, wears a little eyeliner and mascara sometimes. She doesn't talk much. Her part of the inner world is always night.

And she changed recently. In a way that was very surprising to me. For some silly reason it never occurred to me that she could/would change so drastically. I assumed the others would develop within their already formed sense of self.

I don't know how to say that better.

Dawn is a type of fictive. She developed herself from the books we read when we were young, but is not specifically from one book or series. Recently we have been listening to audio books. Her drastic change is directly linked to those books.

[cheshiregrinplus]

Again with the forgetting to post here... I guess since I'm not getting overwhelmed by denial I don't need it as much. Maybe.

How quickly stuff changes shocks me. A few years ago I wouldn't even believe I has any form of DID. Now I'm actively working with a therapist to find ways to trauma process.

We're getting stuck on me not being able to switch all the way out. I'm always cocon. We function because I don't hold childhood trauma. If Angie tries therapy for that trauma with me cocon, I'd see those memories (or whatever you want to call them).

Idk, it's complicated.

[cheshiregrinplus]

I stopped writing. I don't know why. Don't remember why. Maybe because the last thing was so raw...

[cheshiregrinplus]

Epiphany

So this story starts with "we forgot to take our meds"

Seth is my only person. Angela tries, but it's not enough, not the same. When she decided to be monogamous, she took away my other relationships. I understand and mostly agree. But I get so lonely.

I think/believe Seth loves Angela as much as he knows how. But he doesn't know me. When we stopped initiating sex (her words), what little time I had with him disappeared. Again, I understand. But understanding and always being able to rationally deal with something isn't the same.

I miss him. I miss that look he gets when he knows it's me...

Which means he does feel something for me, right?

-I 'let' her out, but I'm not sure I could have fully repressed her even if I wanted to. If I only let her out when she's calm, she won't be out much. Have to balance her needs with everyone else's. Unfortunately it's Seth who has to deal with it.

[cheshiregrinplus]

[cheshiregrinplus]

A story about my disability, pt.2

Thank you for reading <3

part 1

[cheshiregrinplus]

Long time

Got out if the habit of saying anything here when Angie went quiet. Dawn has become more active since then. I think she has been helping us function better. Doubt and denial and such are making that difficult, but still trying.

Winter functioning has hit. It feels more and less severe than other years. More because I was higher functioning and now that's dropping. But less because I'm still functioning better than other years.

[cheshiregrinplus]

Isolation on autopilot?

Oh damn, this is super interesting. Relatable, too. From the Coping book:

[cheshiregrinplus]

Mental health issues are exhausting.

First, I have an intrusive thought. Then I have to recognize it is an intrusive thought. Then I have to remember I can cope with it. Then remember how to cope with it (which I learned through years of therapy). THEN go through the actual coping process.

Right about then another intrusive thought hits.

It might go like this:

*feelings of depression*

"I am worthless, I can't do anything..." (this might be a single thought or hours of increasingly terrible thoughts).

"Wait, no, that's not right. I think that's not right. Why am I thinking that? I'm having a bad day, didn't sleep well. And I'm lonely. *deep breath* Ok, that's enough of that thinking. Let's see, I'm supposed to remind myself of... of what? There's something... (sometimes I remember right away, but this could take a while too).

"Oh, right! EVERYONE has worth. I am a daughter, a friend, a partner, a mother. My place in the world, my life, has worth." *deep breath*

That's a very simplified version. It might take a few seconds on a good day, or be a struggle that lasts for days. There's a lot of visualization and other mental exercises that go on in there. For example, when I think of everyone having worth, I picture people who have harder paths in life than I have who I believe/know have worth.

During this process I can't do much else. I can't think clearly, I can't focus. If I have to stop to do something, I might have to start all over again.

Yeah, exhausting.

[cheshiregrinplus]

Trying again

I've tried to update what we're experiencing, but keep forgetting or losing it.

Angie was out for a short while one day, a couple weeks ago.

When discussing with the others about Angie not being out worrying me, Dawn said if Angie wasn't, she could. I freaked out a little. Then I said I'd make a deal. Dawn is a protector. She is a 'doer', person who gets things done. I told her if she would do things that need done, chores, errands, taking care of the body, etc., then we can try.

She's been pretty active since. But not out on her own. We have to work on that. It's been a good experience.

[cheshiregrinplus]

Are you faking DID?

Last year, I was officially diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, and let me tell you that I was shocked.

After getting misdiagnosed with almost everything out there, I was diagnosed with something that I never thought I could have, ever.

A couple of months later, I started going into the self doubt spiral.

This is my advice for systems doubting themselves:

Doubting yourself is completely normal. DID is meant to be covert and hidden, it’s a defense mechanism after all, almost every system out there doubted their experience at some point, it’s okay.

NOT EVERY SYSTEM IS LIKE SYSTEMS ON TUMBLR. Oh my god, I WISH someone would have told me this last year. You don’t have to have a bed in your room for each alter. You don’t have to have perfect communication with your alters. You don’t have to talk with them on a daily basis and switch 1000 times a day, just no. My communication with my alters is terrible. I sometimes go months without fully switching, days and even weeks without alters talking in my head. My alters mostly work through passive influence and that’s okay. You really don’t have to have a system like the ones you see on here to be valid, please remember that.

Not everything’s “you’re valid uwu”, no. Sometimes you make mistakes, sometimes doctors make mistakes and it’s okay. There are a lot of disorders that might have a similar presentation to DID like BPD, schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. You need to be completely honest with yourself about your experiences. You really don’t want to get misdiagnosed and get treated for something that you don’t have “terrible idea, believe me”. If you’re honest with yourself about your experience, then there’s nothing to worry about.

Please don’t obsess over labels. There was this time when I was almost always co conscious with my protector and I kept wondering if I actually have OSDD, and it made me really depressed. It does not matter whether you have DID or OSDD, they’re almost the same thing and the point is, you have gone through trauma that fractured your identity so it really doesn’t matter what you have. Doctors treat symptoms, not labels. It’s okay to be confused for a while ❤️.

Yes, alters can go dormant for a lot of time and that’s completely normal. No, that doesn’t mean that you’re faking.

Sometimes you can switch without knowing or noticing the switch, so don’t obsess over why you aren’t switching too often.

It takes A LOT of time to have a good communication with your alters. It really isn’t as easy as tumblr makes it seems to be.

You don’t have to have obvious and overt symptoms of DID to be valid. I haven’t had so many proofs of my amnesia, only 4 times or something. I have also never experienced dissociative fugue, and that’s okay.

Amnesia for your own amnesia. Sometimes you don’t even notice that you lost time or that you said something that you have no memory of until someone points it out. So again don’t obsess over not switching too often.

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT focus too much on your alters or your disorder. Do not go googling symptoms of DID and reading tons of articles for hours. This is just gonna make your self doubt much worse. It’s okay to learn about your disorder, just don’t do it too much because everyone experiences DID differently and that might increase your doubt.

Always keep in mind that DID is different for everyone. My best friend has DID and our systems are completely different. He switches much more often and he has no idea how many alters does he have, doesn’t know their names or anything about them, however my amnesia is much worse than his. Seeing systems acting differently doesn’t mean that you’re fake.

Since I brought this up, it’s okay not to know anything about your alters. I have around 16 alters and maybe more, I only know and have communicated with 6 of them. Again, it’s not as easy as tumblr makes it seems.

It’s okay not to feel like you’re a multiple. It’s okay not to refer to yourself as “we”. I personally never refer to myself as we unless I’m talking specifically about me and my alters.

It’s okay to have more overt symptoms after getting your diagnosis, and it’s also okay for your symptoms to be less after diagnosis. It’s really common that alters start being much more visible after diagnosis, that doesn’t mean you’re faking. Despite being less common but it’s okay to have less symptoms after getting diagnosed. Your alters might be just scared, I have experienced this and it made me feel like I was faking it all, but it doesn’t. Sometimes, your alters are as scared as you, maybe even more.

I wish someone would have told me this last year, so here I am, telling you why you shouldn’t worry, this too shall pass, trust me.

Also, feel free to add your own advice.

If you need anything, don’t hesitate to message us, we’d be more than glad to help!

Stay safe ❤️

[cheshiregrinplus]

I don't get it...

How does a person with DID forget how to switch? It's frustrating. I fought so long to deny the DID, now I fight to keep the communication going and try to bring my alters forward... SMH. (8/27/19)

[cheshiregrinplus]

Starting over again...

We have forgotten how to switch. I know how that sounds...

But we must have triggered some kind of ... idk how to explain it ... safety mechanism? Not a wall. I can manage walls. It feels like there is a a deep pit we can't cross, Angie can't cross. I start to dissociate, then nothing happens.

We are going to put effort into bringing her out again. But we have to wait until it is safe. Our partner will need to be here and help.

I am anxious about this. We worked so hard to get communication going between us. We made so much progress. Now it feels like we have to start over. I miss them. And I am so tired.

[cheshiregrinplus]

hint: if a person with clinical depression and anxiety says theyre tired …. dont tell them they have no reason to be …. bc guess what….. They Know and Its Shitty