chewieisdead

[chewieisdead]

Thought of the time I was invited by some friends to go play pokemon go in Odessa and i remembered as we were driving off i was wanting to tell him never mind and that I wanted to go back to you at Christian’s. I regretted not trusting my instincts that pleaded me to ask him to turn around but I froze. I didn’t say anything. I rode in the vehicle and felt my string that was wrapped around my heart and tethered to yours getting stretched. The moment I sat down all I could think about you was you. All I could think about was how you weren’t by my side.

Suddenly I didn’t care about pokemon anymore. I didn’t care about Odessa. I didn’t give a fuck about the people I was with. I realized that the only thing that mattered to me deeply was you.

Yet I remained frozen stuck in my thoughts of you as I do to this day.

I regretted arriving in Odessa the long ride there took forever and the pain of being without you was there but I didn’t interpret that this is how my life would feel without you. How lifeless, how meaningless, how joyless it would be without you. Nevertheless I would eventually learn the hard way.

I tried to make the most of life that day without you by distracting myself with company and distracting myself with pokemon and even tried skating to make the pain and heartache go away and even that didn’t work and I ended up being hurt physically that day. I tried a truck down a gap and landed on my ankle. It’s almost as if that’s what I deserved for abandoning you at Christian’s. It was like karma. It was like that’s what I deserved for hurting you, and even for hurting my own heart as well.

I never told you this and I never knew how tbh I just tried to push that day the furthest part of my mind. So I wouldn’t have to relive all the pain I had endured and all the pain I had inflicted on you. You’re all I thought of and when I got hurt I felt too embarrassed to tell you. I felt ashamed. I felt like I deserved that pain and then some. I couldn’t walk anymore that day. I was out for a week or 2.

I think about you and days like that often. I think about how many times I never got to explain things to you. I think about how I could never find the words to do so when I needed them most they always seemed to elude me when I needed them desperately. I think about how most of the time something felt like it was stretching us thin there was an explanation or reason for me doing the things that I did and most of the time they were stupid reasons and how I regretted most of them especially if it was distancing you. Because I never wanted to be far from you. I’ve always wanted to be by your side. I would die for you then and almost died when I realized I couldn’t be by your side any longer. I didn’t want to be alive or exist in a world without you. It’s 2025 now 2016 feels like just yesterday when we would hold each other and love each other deeply and yet that feeling that I got the first time I left you that sick to my stomach gut wrenching regret feeling, that feeling of being lonely and how lifeless and meaningless everything feels without you snaps me back to reality. I realize that those feelings are all I’ve known for many years and I have carried them with me everyday since you have been gone.

Time moves on my but the wound has yet to heal.

I wish I could’ve found the words I so desperately searched for to remind you of why you loved me to remind you of how kind and caring I was, how much i believed in you and in any dreams you had that I trusted and supported them and had faith in them and that you could attain them. How I loved you so dearly and deeply and how I would and could never stop loving you. How I would always love you no matter what, no matter where, and no matter when I would always love you always.

Life has kept going and I’ve carried all this regret and all this pain and emptiness with me for so long. I’m very tired and I know I have to wake up again without you tomorrow but I hope I don’t. I hope I go to sleep tonight and dream of that day I left Christian’s to go play pokemon go with ectur in od and this time I’ll joyfully, blissfully, excitedly decline him and get to spend the rest of my life with you there in my dreams and this time I hope I never wake up again.

[chewieisdead]

Happy birthday 💔

[chewieisdead]

Sometimes I wish I would’ve died from the heartache of you leaving me back then. I never wanted to live a life without you. I hated being apart from you before like back then and I hate it now and with every second that passes the agony I’ve felt over the years is something I would never wish on anyone. (I miss you) 3 words that could never do the way I feel about you any Justice whatsoever. There aren’t words to express the depth or the intensity of the grief that resides within. I greet it everyday then try to cherish each day that comes my way. It’s difficult it’s very difficult. I wish I would’ve died long ago but I’m just not in the right state of mind rn. It’s heavy and sometimes it crushes me and I get close but I don’t want to leave just yet. Not because I care about anyone else and don’t want to hurt them but because I care about you and hope that maybe one day you’ll come back to me. It’s probably stupid. Lord knows you’re the only one I’ve ever loved everything pales in your comparison. Obsessed but never wanting to hold you from your own dreams or goals. Sometimes I hate myself for not being worthy of your affection or attention or of your love which you chose to give to someone else freely. I’m in pain for now.

[chewieisdead]

Bending Laws

Don’t let the rules block you from what really matters in life. They were made as guidelines but are not to interfere with what matters like helping and showing compassion to those in need. Laws are not to interfere with the power of Love which stands above all else. When rules are too strict and are enforced without love or compassion then the rules and laws placed will sew seeds of chaos into the hearts of those that have broken them for good reason or into the hearts of those that accidentally broken them.

October 28,2024

[chewieisdead]

Thank you for the kindness and warmth you gave me, thank you for sharing who you are with me, thank you so much for loving me and Thank you so so very much for the time you gave me.

It is like a picture I take with me everywhere I go. I love you now and always cutie mamas.

[chewieisdead]

Anyone, anywhere

Mrs Linton was teaching something and I volunteered to be the example at the front of the class I took my shirt off when I was behind a cardboard wall for some reason but can’t remember all you could see was my face through the hole in the cardboard she starts yapping on about why I’m back there but I’m falling asleep it’s first period btw.

She’s like k that’s enough and I’m half asleep and I jolt out of my dream to get up to move the cardboard to the side where it was and the class starts laughing cause I had my shirt off and forgot and I go to grab it but forgot where I placed it so I just throw my hoodie on instead and she continues to teach and at the end of class she starts writing some lyrics to a song on the board and then the song starts playing it’s a sad song anyways around that time I found my shirt and decided I was going to put it back on it was in the corner of the class where I was earlier so but it blended in with the floor and wall so I get up and I can’t for the life of me get the hoodie over my head.

I’m trying and I’m trying and so hard and I feel like I’m about to feint I’m exhausted and panting and getting light headed as students are getting up and leaving and getting up and talking to her and hugging her like it was her last day teaching or something. Meanwhile I’m struggling so hard that I’m about to pass out.

Then I woke up and took a deep breath and REALIZED that I have to ask for help from someone anyone before it’s too late and I pass out before it’s too late and I’m overwhelmed by the problems that are drowning me in my life but I’m too idk what too call it I don’t like asking anyone for help because I don’t want to them to think I’m using them. So I try to never ask anyone for anything I hate asking people for rides it makes me sick to my stomach.

Like a whole help me I’m poor type shi its disgusting and looks pitiful and desperate and makes me sick.

But the dream was telling me when things get overwhelming when the problem at hand is too large for me to take on all by myself and I can’t see anyone around me cause (I’m suffocating in it/have the hoodie over my head and can’t see anyone around me.)I need to have a little faith and I need to put aside my ego and I need to reach out to anyone, anywhere and ask for help before it’s too late and I pass out from the hoodie stuck around my neck/suffocate from everything overwhelming me in real life. No matter how disgusting it makes me feel.

It’s funny how lol id rather feint and wake up out of a dream than to reach out to anyone, anywhere and bother them. I just hope I don’t make the same mistake in real life before it’s too late…i love dreams

[chewieisdead]

Why do I long for you so

[chewieisdead]

August 9, 2024 536am I’m grateful for the nights I get to see you again idc how badly it hurts or how badly you hurt me in the dream or his distant you are I see you and all my feelings ignite like a firework and i try not to explode with all the love I have inside. I miss you. I crave you. I’m so lonely without you. You couldn’t possibly understand. Anyways it was so good to see you wish you didn’t drive off wish you were kinder to me like when you were in love with me I don’t recognize the cold hearted person. She’s mean to me but she wears your face so I’m torn. My love for you won’t allow me to hate someone that looks like you even if they are rude to me or disrespectful or mean or abuse me psychologically and emotionally. It’s all love for you inside wish you could see.

[chewieisdead]

July 30 12:55am

I can’t sleep I have to get up early. I’m laying down on Izzy’s trundle I have to get up early I’m building boxes for a friend they’re like 5000lbs each they take forever to weld. I got off work at 8pm then I ate a sandwich and drank an arni palmi with peaches, I went skating today had fun cruising the streets. Stopped somewhere and stared at the stars. You’re always thought of and always missed. I love you forever and always. 💔 I miss you deeply and wish I could hold you and feel your loving embrace it’s been so long since I’ve felt one. I don’t let anyone touch me anymore. I need to sleep. The days are going by faster idk why I hold you so dear to my heart I understand you don’t love me anymore what is wrong with me.

[chewieisdead]

Hey chew it’s been a while I know you’re always posting about some one who left you long ago.

I just want to say i understand that no matter how much time has passed the wound is still open. Your body is strong buddy. Your mind full. Breathe. No one belongs to anyone. Try to be thankful for the time you got to share with her. I know she felt like your world. But nothing is yours. Everything is temporary. I just wish I could’ve spent more time.

Today I saw a man kiss a picture of his dead wife he been married and had many kids stuff them for a long tine he caressed her cheek then pretended to pinch her. He misses her and that grief I understood so well. The pain he felt knowing he doesn’t get to feel her warmth again. He calls over and over and over and over again but no one answers. He longs for her deeply and like same.

You’ve been alone for so long, I’m thankful you haven’t given up knowing you don’t want to be here anymore. Yet afraid of the empty forever that awaits on the otherside. I’ve felt traumatized b4 but dying was the worst one it’s something I never want to experience again. I hold on to life only because I fear the otherside.

I’m glad you can see the beauty in everything. I’m proud of you for that. I understand that you feel everything a little less almost like it’s not worth feeling it if you’re not here to feel it with me. But I’m glad for you that you are aware of each beautiful fleeting moment that you perceive. You are amazing and you are kind to others. Even when you don’t feel anything. I’m thankful that you perceive little moments as treasures because you know it might go away forever.

Hold on buddy. I know you love her but I love you too. You are magical and when moves can create wonders. You breathe life and love into the ether. Maybe one day it’ll breathe it back into you. Take care of your vessel it’s the only one you have. But you are not your vessel you are forever in the presence of awe.

[chewieisdead]

Only eyes to ever see me

[chewieisdead]

You’re always thought of mamas

[chewieisdead]

Do you ever miss me?

[chewieisdead]

Where do I turn

Where do I turn to when I have something personal to say? Where do I turn to when I’ve accomplished something meaningful to me. I look around after landing the cool new trick or look around to tell you about how great the movie was. The light from your eyes is no where in this room searching almost frantically so I can share this joy and happiness. Desperately wanting to give it to you. Give everything to you, my world. But I can’t find you my eyes scan this giant room but those eyes that once looked at me with such warmth and adoration are no where to be found. Where do I turn to now. So I look towards the ground. Forever there cause idc about seeing anybody else.

[chewieisdead]

If god forbid you ever pass on I hope to join you shortly after so that I could be reborn maybe I’d be younger than you this time too all in hopes to by chance get to be with you once more. Even if I should fail again I would cherish every second beside you as if it could be stripped away from me again. You are a blessing and being apart from you a curse. I would recognize you in a sea of faces. I would recognize you in another body. I would feel your essence even if I were blind and deaf I would know it is you. Mi alma mi amor. Till next time we get to be. I’ll wait and count the tears and years that pass me by for a moment apart from you feels like eons spent in suffering. It’s nice to be by your side a healing magic you provide. One might call it relief others peace but to me you’re everything. 💕

April 6th 2023 probably I don’t remember what year it is anymore 1:01am

[chewieisdead]

I miss you so much

[chewieisdead]

Another lonely day

Not a day goes by that you’re not on my mind. It really does feel like I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone. I haven’t been with anyone since you’ve left me sexually. I kissed someone one time but that was to show them that there’s nothing here for them. That I’m just a hollow man because my heart and soul lies with someone else. I gave it to them to have and to hold in sickness and in health. Without them ever really understanding that I guess. I had told you I loved you more than anything and everything I don’t think you ever really understood that. I long for you and no one else. I’m lonely. I’m very lonely. I told you along time ago that you were my last. I wanted to marry you. Have children with you and grow old with you. I meant all those things. I’ve never wanted anyone else. I’ll always love you. It hurts everyday. Every moment you have ever been away.