chiderilas

[chiderilas]

I genuinely don't know where else to express this, but what the fuck, Made in Abyss. It's like Clannad and Mirai Nikki had a baby. I don't know, I genuinely don't. I wasn't expecting this kind of roller coaster, but that is actually brilliant storytelling and setting. The author definitely needs help.... and a medal.

[chiderilas]

Wahey! Here I am, sitting on the toilet at 3:24 AM in the new house.

It might be a bit early to do this "year end" review for 2024, but a friend of mine said something about this and I thought, might as well write this down. Obviously, I'm the type that finds my inspiration in the toilet. Maybe I am the actual model of that thinking man sculpture in the past life (haha). But in all seriousness, this friend of mine said: "Oh my god, you're really slaying it in 2024. New job, New relationship, New House". That does make me think now.

So let's start with this new job. One simple sentence, I love it. I mentioned it a bit in the previous post, but I am so glad the interest lasts. I think it's simply because my current manager holds their words: "No micromanaging", which is really similar to my life back in academia. Being trusted with your capability of making decisions for yourself is, apparently, a very important thing to me. If I dive even further, it might relate to how I have always been put down by my friends and families growing up. Not being trusted etc, but I know it's partly because of the culture I grew up with. Well, I'm not in it anymore and I am glad. But yes, work has been going so well and I am glad I took that leap of faith when my head was so deep in the murkiness back then.

New relationship? Now that was another rollercoaster. I'm actually surprised, that in the bigger picture kind of way, it's working really well. There was that risk, for dating someone that's just so similar to you in a sense, but it does work because it keeps reminding me of my own behaviour and learning further on how to be just. Don't get me wrong, there are some behaviours that they do that sometimes irk me. But then again, isn't that all relationships? I might be old school, but I think the "repair than binning" mentality really helps a lot here. Because I definitely don't want my partners to easily bin me away when I have some behaviours that don't align with them.

Now yay, the new home! Fucking hell it was such a ride. I can tell you now, that buying a house in England was such a nightmare. But I'm done. I'm not gonna get into details because I'm just... done 😭 It still hasn't sunk in yet as we still need to move things from the storage to this house. But I am so glad now that the three of us can start building a home together, as a chosen family.

[chiderilas]

8 months huh? That is a while indeed. I guess personal development refers to moving on. I mean, Swiftogeddon was amazing. The thrill from the companion was also real. But I think I always jinxed myself on the third time then. I still look at my PlayStation friend's list, I do. But anyway, that was in the past, and maybe it's for the best.

Separations still sting me. But that's just what I've become now, I'm too good at goodbyes -- or even the ones that have never been said. Yes, Gower holiday was amazing. But in the combination of being ill and work being busy, things happen for a reason. It's fine. I will be fine.

Let's start with work. Something that's been very glaring since January. Yes, I changed jobs not long after that last post apparently. It was a bit of a leap of faith to be honest, that I wasn't sure about applying, but having a very supportive partner who really pushes you does help. A lot. I'm actually quite surprised that I'm actually in a position where I'm at that position where I'm actually doing a combination of Data Analyst and Data Engineer. Oh also with some developer work in the mix. It really sounds unreal, from my January perspective. But yes, that's what you are doing right now. In fact, you're actually even writing a program for your hobby now using Python and creating databases using SQL. Obviously, you're still making data dashboards, but not just data cleaning, but you also creating the data structure for these databases. Damn, who would have thought?

Relationship stuff now, huh? Well, that's also the interesting thing. As I guess now we're a party of three. I mean, the signs were all there back there to be fair. But being in a mature relationship does help a lot, in exploring yourself and understanding each others' needs. I mean, I still can't believe the amount of drama that happened in between. But I guess that's just inevitable, isn't it? At least it's kind of stable now. Who would have thought that I had to see things unfolding in front of my eyes when someone actually got kicked out of the house and at risk of being destitute just because of their life choices that don't align with the family? I mean it doesn't sound that bad when I'm putting it that way. But it's just fucking wrong to kick someone out just because of someone that they love.

As for health, it was also interesting. I did miss the Eras Tour because I had problems with my foot. I couldn't even walk for solidly 2 weeks (at least) just after Gower. It was excruciating and it's a bit annoying that the physiotherapist only says what it is. I know the NHS is under such pressure, but I really feel like they're not trying to address the root cause. It's really bad that I have to understand what's going on with myself rather than the one with training trying to figure out what it is. Long story short? Yeah, Gout. My heritage finally kicking in now. In fact, it happened again just last week. Had to take colchicine and suddenly everything makes so much sense.

Now for the last thing, family. Both related to the family that I born with and the family that I chose to create. There's been a whole lot of things going on with the born-family. Oh yeah literally went to Hongkong Disneyland with them, and I am very glad that I got to do it with my sister. Yes it was chaotic with having 2 babies. But I would say it's worth it. After all, that was the first and the last family holiday we would have. I'm still a bit saddened with things that just unfold in the last few weeks. It is sad, but that might be for the best to be fair. As I would rather not to force "fake happiness" when there are people chronically hurting in the background. Life's too short for that.

As for the family that I chose to create, yah, it's been fun with the family of three now. But I just realised that I barely got time to myself. Which is probably why I'm writing this right now. Daryl, you need to remember what happened last October. When you were being put in that position back in London. It was awful, but that happened because you didn't speak up. Because you got carried with people's pace. So yeah, keep in touch with your inner side and speak up if things aren't right. You're a bit too exhausted, I think, right now, as you are carrying a bit too much on your shoulder. It's a whole new dynamic now, but it doesn't mean you have to put down who you are, just before the party of three.

Oh yeah, also, there might be a chance I'll be moving into a new home when I'm writing next. Yay?

[chiderilas]

Fuck yes. Just want to appreciate personal development and how I can be graceful every now and then.

[chiderilas]

I used to be afraid of the dark.

For the same darkness, yet we were happily racing each other and pretending that we were as fast as the wind.

But it was the same darkness where I was sitting in the car with you, when you were crying in front of that McDonald's.

Then it was the same darkness, on that beach, of us taking photos just before I flew back to London.

It was the same darkness where we were laying wasted and high together in your living room, while I sent that quick brown fox message.

To the same darkness, where you were pretending to be asleep, yet, your hand was teasing my soft spots.

And now, within the same darkness, I am listening to your breath, sleeping next to me.

and to think that I used to be afraid of the dark.

[chiderilas]

There will always be someone who wronged you. At the same time, you won't always be the good guy in someone else's story. There are people who think they are the main character in other people's stories. The narcissist, the self-centered, the entitled, and the list keeps going.

But you know what? Revenge is better served with kindness. The smile and the letting go. The "glad to hear everything is good 😊" and the drawn line. Because at the time you are not bothered anymore and being able to put all the nasty things behind, you know that's when you start prioritising yourself. You don't have to be involved in other people's drama anymore but while being civil at the same time.

[chiderilas]

I am fully aware that despite I can be quite calm and collected, there's always a storm brewing in my head. Which I realise, that most of the time, I put down those storms in writing in this platform. However, after being in a committed relationship for the past... 5 years now, and few years after accepting myself of being polyamorous, it has been such a turmoil, especially in my head. It's actually quite interesting how life is actually much better when you started to allow yourself to feel, listening to what your heart is telling you, and actually allowing those conversations to happen in your head while trying to release it in healthy way. Just because you have another feelings to another person, doesn't mean you have to sabotage your entire life for it. I am actually quite fortunate to have a partner that allows me to discuss this in a healthy way. This, combined to the practice that I've been doing in verbalising emotions. Including putting shapes and forms into the emotions that I feel. I mean the whole thing about eliminating jealousy, learning about compersion, and understanding that love is just an umbrella terms are wild. It's like a forbidden knowledge that humanity doesn't talk about enough but could be very beneficial to the whole species that disagree with patriarchal society.

Well anyway, the point of this post is more on the appreciation side. I realise that I've been dumping my storms here, but never really about the centre of my storms. The pillar in the centre of it all where it held everything together. It is the reason why the storms can grow so big, yet, never been so destructive as it held it all in place. Yes, this post is specifically to talk about Alex.

I think the trigger for this can be separated into 2 events: first is when we were asked "how would you rate your relationship" and the second is when I was asked "what you gonna do if you only have 1 year left to live". Those questions really made me think. One, is that I am very grateful for having Alex in my life. How there's no such thing as off-limit conversations. At the same time, we don't want to be each others' reason to limit each others' world. We want to be able to become the foundation of each other and help each other grow. I think that works really well with me, considering that one of my early age trauma is not having freedom with limited options. Now that I am exploring the concept of freedom, and actually allowing myself to this with someone having my back is literally one of the best thing I can have in my life. At the same time, when the second question was asked, it made me think. When conversation about death came up to me,I had few faces coming up to my mind. How I don't want to see them sad because of me, and not being scared of my own demise. At the same time with parallel thought in my head, I know that's a very sad thing, because it kinda hinted that I don't look into myself. But that question earlier today, it made me realise that Alex would cry for me in my place. It made me realise that my pain is not only mine anymore. Something that I always yearn for in my life. I know I'm in a good hand when I'm in a relationship with someone like this. Not gonna lie, it took trips around the valley and back to get here, but I am confident to say, I will fix it if anything ever got broken in this relationship and not just discarding it away.

[chiderilas]

心はかえる場所

[chiderilas]

Life is actually quite funny when you actually stop and think for a moment.

Lovers by Taylor Swift just played on my phone on the bus home. I genuinely thought that it would remind me of someone whom I know is a fan of Taylor, but no. My mind just instantly shoots up to Alex, how I'm imagining if I will be able to have my first dance with this song.

On the other hand, Something About Us by Daft Punk played a few songs after that. I remember when we were watching I may destroy you. But just now, my mind didn't go to Alex but instead, the person whom I thought I would think about when I heard Lovers.

I think it's very important to keep track of your feelings like this. It really helps in disseminating what I feel about who.

[chiderilas]

"You got that James Dean daydream look in your eye"

Ah crap I'm being weak again aren't I. I mean i wouldn't call it a bad thing this time around to be honest. Just, a bit scared that it'll go wrong because there hasn't been enough time.

[chiderilas]

Just like two small blue swallows that starting to learn to fly. It's a bit scary, yet, the thrill of adventure just reminded me of whom I used to be. The pieces of me that gone and shaved by time, as I left them with the wrong people.

But that is just life. You build memories upon memories. Things won't hurt you as much as they used to. It's not just time heals, it's also the people that you spend the time with.

It really feels warm, yet, novel. Coming from a place where things weren't used to be good. Where holding back make a lot more sense and accepting things without questioning it even though that little kid inside is about to cry.

It's okay. It's going to be okay. I'm sorry that I'm not ready yet to take you out from that place, but we will be okay.

[chiderilas]

Two things to look forward to in life, under a year time period: meeting nabs in paris (to see how each other has evolved so far) and meeting dinda in jakarta when flying back for ied (just to reiterate and be each other's reason to keep pushing forward)

[chiderilas]

Never thought i would ever write this, but damn i never thought that a Taylor Swift based tattoo can actually look hot on a guy.

[chiderilas]

It's 8:49 AM on the 23rd of October and I'm just sitting having my breakfast. It's a morning post the Fan Festival and few thoughts actually swirling in my head. So here we go.

To begin with, let's start with the self-learning. I remember that one reels mentioning a technique where you close your eyes and imagining your childhood home as a way of resolving past traumas. Long story short, this weekend made me realise the parallel to this: that lots of your adult behaviour can be traced back to childhood trauma response, and unresolved issues can come up unexpectedly when you're in an environment where it resembles your childhood -- or basically detached from your adult life. The Fan Festival really took me away from my adult life. It is just like a spell was cast on me and I'm back to my 21 year old self -- with all the excitement and all the ruminating tendencies.

I need to remember this and chant this over and over again: you don't owe anyone any explanation and nobody is entitled to it. Stop ruminating and that's the final hill you're willing to die on.

The other funny thing is that there's that instagram account, a single woman just eating out on her own. That surprisingly hit the right note to me. Because if I'm not happy and make peace with my own company, who will? So here I am, enjoying my breakfast and savouring every single bite with these thoughts in my head.

Oh another thing that I learned is that apparently one quirk that ick me from other people is if they don't enjoy food as much as I am. I guess I put a big emphasis on my eating and smelling experience, as that's how I connect with my senses and the simplest way for me to be mindful of myself. I guess that somehow was another thing why it worked out really well.

I feel like every time I have a physical encounter with someone, I keep imparting another part of me and I need to hold tight on the anchor that keeps me being myself. It was a nice experience yes, but the mental exhaustion that comes with laying your emotion bare, trusting new people, it comes with a little bit of pain, that lonely feeling.

Okay I need to make a move now.

[chiderilas]

You know that have been running your spotify playlist for too long for the day once your Taylor Swift playlist finally hits Golden Hour music from those smart recommendations.

[chiderilas]

Genuinely, FFXVI is such a missed opportunity in the base building situation. I can tell they're trying to make sure the game focuses on the story, but damn the music for the base slaps.

[chiderilas]

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