chkristae

[chkristae]

The way my heart went doki-doki when I saw Zayne in the new chapter is crazy.

Like I went into it fully knowing that Caleb just does *things* to me (like look at him, I thought I would not be into him but I was going crazy with all the trailers and new memories of him). And still I saw my favorite doctor and felt even more crazy for my special snowman then for Caleb.

So plainly put, I am not a cheater 😌 (even though I thought I would be).

[chkristae]

Wow, crazy. I got both of my boys. Now I can die happily. I knew why I was saving the diamonds so much and not using them on previous events *except the Xavier one that was pure luck.*

Zayne and Xavier welcome home.

Happy new everyone, wish you all luck. 💖💖💖

[chkristae]

Me? Being obsessed by Witty names Wild magic? Again? Yes.

[chkristae]

The wrongs of miraculous....

I may be absolutely wrong here...but for few weeks I’m toying with an idea of miraculous rewrite? Because I find so many things that are just...not right? Also, I’m not Chinese, so I may get many things wrong, these are just my observations...sorry if I offend someone and feel free to correct me.

Like I wrote before about Chloe and her treatment, that she deserves a better? Do you know how powerful it would be to have a character that will have a real 180 development? For me, I would be in heaven if as a kid there was a character in kids show who shows, that even if you had been mean, you can change? And to show that you shouldn’t care about who your parents are (aka Audrey) and you should be your own person and not just their copy? That you could be more?

Also, I was thinking... is miraculous really correct? Like the miraculous in the show came from China, right? Then why... akuma is a Japanese word, Japanese, for demon? Also according to miraculous wiki, the page about kwamis, there is this: “ The concept of the Kwamis was created by Bandai.[10] A Kwami is a "quantic (small) kami."[11] In Japanese, kami (神) often refers to a god or certain kinds of spirits. “ I don’t know what Bandai is, on the internet it shows me it is a JAPANESE toy maker, but I may have it wrong here, so I apologize. But again, if it’s from Japanese Kami, then again, miraculous are Chinese, right? Or at least he jewels, like Kwamis were there before, but they somehow became connected to the Chinese? (right now, forget about the specials, which confused me as hell). So yeah, this I got wrong, that Kwamis are not Chinese (Yes, I’m confused, sorry). It doesn’t make any sense at all. Like there was an episode in miraculous about Maris relative being a Chinese chef and him getting akumatized because of that people confused Chinese and Japanese food? (I don’t remember much about this episode, as well as of most than half of the other episodes, but about that lately). But I just...Is it supposed to be about Chinese culture? Even Marinette is half-chinese (half-assed to me, but about that later too). So why to use Japanese words for akuma and kwamis?

Now about Mari...I hate her character, I hate her so much, I wish she stopped existing. But I also know that is not fault of her, but of Thomas, who wrote her that way. Like what does she teach young kids? To be a stalker and unhealthy obsessive about your crush? Like what the hell? Like alright, she teached about kindness, but only in the beginning. Also her name, as I wrote above, it seems kinda half- assed to me? Her surname Dupain-Cheng is maybe fine, showing that she is half Chinese, half French (???), so yeah (but it may be wrong, I don’t know any people who are half-chinese and what surname they may prefer). But her name, Marinette? She was born in France, alright. But if this is about Chinese, shouldn’t she have more Chinese name? I know there is this problem with kids from different parts of the world and the problem with pronouncing their name, so they choose better variation (like in my primary school there was this Romanian kid, whose name we couldn’t pronounce, so he had this nickname...). But why does it seem so half-assed by Thomas? Why not name the protagonist with full Chinese name? I would like to give an example, but I know the Chinese names have certain, let’s say rules, and I don’t know much about it, so I don’t want to even try, because I will surely get it wrong. But it seems to me Thomas did almost zero research? (like with the akumas and Kwamis, and now Marinettes name and Chinese representation). Also it would be awesome for LB having more Chinese hero costume, or something… just anything to really show that Miraculous is Chinese and the real connection to Chinese culture…

Now...Alya and Nino. Well, for me I write this AU, where Felix and Chloe got the miraculous (again, wrong, I would love to write it as the main character being Chinese, so I doubt I will post it here, but it’s just for me, to give Chloe some justification). But Alya and Nino...I don’t even know how to put them in my AU? Because all to them is that they are just friends of Marinette and Adrien, nothing else. Like alright, Alya may have a use as the investigator (and instead of trying to find out who LB and Chaton are, she should maybe focus on finding who Hawkmoth is, because revealing their identities is dangerous, as we are constantly reminded by the annoying love square). But Nino? He is just Adriens friend, Alyas boyfriend and yeah, DJ, but that is all that seems to be to him? Just best friend and boyfriend? Does he have a life or anything else? And it makes me angry again, because he is also a representation of different ethnicity, so why not give him better role in the story?

Also other weakness I found out in the story.. too many characters. Just TOO MANY CHARACTERS. Like more than half of them don’t have any use in the story, only to be akumatized? Also I don’t remember more than half of the episodes of miraculous and more than half don’t have even any point? They don’t move the story etc. I don’t know, for example (and I have to look at wikipedia for the episodes to remind myself what episodes are actually there). Okay.... let me see... Oh yeah, frozer. How could I forget about frozer? That is the episode when they get this amazing new powers to skate on ice, to fight this akumatized victim... and what else? Annoying love triangle? (which I hate with my whole heart, Luka and Kagami will also get their own section). I actually forgot it exists? How it moves the story? Well, new powers, Chaton getting angry, but easily forgiving LB? I just... too many character, but no point. I bet there are many episodes you could put out and the story wouldn’t change at all... (or maybe I’m wrong).

Now, Luka and Kagami. First with my favourite boy Luka. My poor boy. Do you want some irony? His miraculous is the snake, right? Power second chance? Second chance... more like second choice to Marrinette right? Like what the hell? He was this amazing character that quickly caught my attention. His easy going personality, blue hair and he plays music! (I’m a simp for characters who are musicians, so sue me). But then, he just became this second guy to Marinette, who doesn’t seem to have a life only to be there when poor Mari needs, nothing else... sigh....

Now Kagami. I hated her. Now I get why. I don’t hate Kagami, but how she was written. She is the only (????) Japanese representation in the show, right? (exclude her mother). But she was shown so...almost stereotypical? Like Japanese people don’t show emotion and are focused only on work...bla, bla. I just want more to her? Like in that one episode (Lies, one of the episodes I remember, because my boy Adrian finally got his spotlight, yeah!) it was shown she loves drawing, but her mother is against it? I need more of that, more of Kagami being a normal person and not this stoic emotionless stereotypical....sigh. But I have to admit, I started loving her how she is driven and goes after what she really wants, true inspiration. But yeah... her character needs rewrite, just make her even more like a living person with actual personality, than this robot how Thomas portrayed her.

Also...Adrian. Trust me, I love Adrian and Chaton, they are the sole reason I stay watching this thing (by watching I mean reading spoilers on tumblr, so I don’t have to suffer anymore during those episodes). He actually seems so...bland? Like it is insulting of how he is now. Just a side character as Adrien, who is abused by his father and stalked by Mari. And as Chaton potrayed as useless and comic relief... what the hell Thomas? You call this feminism? Feminism is about equality, right? Not putting the male gender down, but making female and male equal right? (Or did I get something wrong there? Equal rights and all?). So yeah, my poor Adrian, you deserve so much more.

Next... the female characters of Miraculous. Funny thing, as I write for myself the Chloe and Felix AU, I want to give Felix love interest later in the story, but I just don’t know who? There is this resentment for Mari, so I just scratched her from the story (not right I know it, but I just cannot get over how badly written she is). So I decided to rewrite Marinette and make her more than this obsessive stalker. Also, yeah, in this AU Chloe and Felix don’t end up together, sorry, but I need a story, where the main female and male protagonist don’t end up together...and also for other reason, that I’m still thinking about. So when I was firstly thinking of his LI (later in the story, firstly I want Felix to have some decent character development, before he will have a LI, focus more on him, same with Chloe, first I focus on her to getting out of the web that her mother put her in, that made her this kicking and screaming mean girl, then put out the LI - which is Luka, I think they would make great pair...but that is potential story for another time). But the other female characters? I just... couldn’t think of one who would make a great LI for Felix, because all of them are just, meh? Alright, there is Juleka and Rose (but they are couple, so not touching that, also will be touching this thing too later), Alya... just no, Alex... no... Kagami! Yeah! just give her more personality! Marinette? Maybe, but I hate her guts, so I decided to rewrite Mari... sue me.

Sigh...now...here it is. The LGBTQ+ representation. Is it really there? Is it? I just feel like Thomas checked this from his list and put it in the back, out of sight. There was this whole think about Nat and Mark, and Juleka and Rose, but it seems to me it’s insulting? (As pansexual myself makes me kinda  mad...) Like put more of it, then just in the back as they sit next to each other? Also Juleka and Rose may have some moments, but it doesn’t seem that clear? Stop being scared cat miraculous team! Show the kids watching this that love has many shapes and forms! Also I think it would be interesting in the actual show if Nathaniel was best friend with Mari, because they have this passion for art - her design and his comic. Just... it makes sense! Also having a bisexual representation right in the front? Amazing. And maybe making Juleka and Adrien close? Like Juleka plays instrument and Adrien too? I don’t know, I think those too may be a great friends. Oh! Also, mixed group of friends. We always see (recently. only Mari to hang out with the girls, Adrian with the boys. Why not mix the groups? To show that girl doesn’t have to be friends only with girls and boys only with boys....

So yeah.. I hope it makes sense... I may have done something wrong, if I did, feel free to correct me... but... This urge to rewrite miraculous is really strong. But as I wrote in the beginning, I’m not Chinese, so I don’t think it’s right for me to write about something that is inspired by the Chinese and it is connected so close to it (or as it should be, because we are reminded several times, but in the end, even the creator used wrong words - Japanese due to my research). But if I’m wrong, please feel free correct me! Yes, I’m sure I got some things wrong…like kwamis… So feel free to chew me out.

Ps: Sorry for any grammatical mistakes and all other English wrong ...things? English is not my mother language. I can read well (aka fanfictions), but my writing skills need some improvement, so really sorry for any mistakes!

[chkristae]

Just imagine if Chloe and Felix were the main characters. The potential, the character development....Like I love Adrien as Chaton he is amazing, as for Marinette...lets say she is not on not on my favorite character list.

But just Chloe and Felix! The potential! The spoiled kid and mean kid turning into heroes and learning many things, their character transformation and all that! Just...

In conclusion, I hate this show more and more, and I am sad what it could have been if it's creator wasn't such a...you may know what I mean.

And all of this came to me while watching the new Gabriel Agreste episode.

Because Felix really owns all of the braincells and Chloe deserves so much more...

[chkristae]

Me writting a fic. “It will be short, maybe 3K to 6K, nothing more. Just sweet and adorable, making hearts flutter and cheeks blush.”

Few hours later:

“How the f it has 20K words?” (it happened twice)

[chkristae]

I... I haven't played choices for few weeks, because I needed a break from it and....

Ethan, honey... wtf happened to you?! Why they have done this to you?!

Sweet, lovely, tender and precious Ethan... where is he? Has anyone seen this grumpy but with heart of gold doctor? His neck might be long as giraffes, but that doesn't matter, because he has such a sweet soul...

Like wtf PB? This is too much, even for me. I tried to believe it will get back to normal, that the books will get back to the way it used to be, but after the last chapter of OH3?

I'm done.

Actually playing the books has been so stressful for me, like if you don't have diamonds, you can't enjoy it anymore. But that is not the main problem.

I haven't played choices for few weeks, then come back with an idea. This week I replayed OH and romanced Bryce, just for fun, because he is awesome. When I first read OH I romanced Ethan, but after some time I decided to see how things change if you choose different LI, so I choose Bryce. And like in the first book of my replay I decided to do an experiment. I romanced Ethan and Bryce and in the second book I decided to let Ethan go, like you have the choice in first chapter of OH, you can either kiss him, ... or say goodbye to end your relationship. But this choice, in app called choices, doesn't have an impact at all. Like chosing to end things with Ethan, but it haven't showed in the next chapters at all. I played OH2 before, like few months ago, and I romanced Ethan, so I know how he acts if you still romance him, but on the new playtrough, I chose to end his thing with Mc, and it didn't even matter? PB wrote Ethan, that he wants to end it as well, for his and MCs sake, but the freaking choice does not matter?! Not at all?!

I haven't read the new chapter of OH3, but from what I have read and seen here on Tumblr..

Ethan, my dear, lovely Ethan, what they have done to you?

PB, go to hell with this freaky Fifty shades of gray stuff... just no...

So, I think I might be done with choices, I was actually happier and less stressed while not playing and have to worry about about diamonds and choices that don't have impact on the game at all.... it was so refreshing to stay away from this app for few weeks...

Also, I always knew that other players who romanced Bryce, Jackie or Rafael have it bad, because PB just doesn't give them choice to be with them and spent time with them, but after replaying the first book and few chapters form the second book while choosing Bryce as my LI instead of Ethan... just ouch...ouch. I'm sorry for that, PB is evil for doing that. I still like Ethan the most, like the actual Ethan, not this OH3 ...thing... But PB really treats the other LI dirty, especially Jackie... you and your Li does not deserve this. I might not romanced the other LI (expect for Bryce, as I mentioned), but I still loved to hang out with them when there was the choice.

So, yeah. I'm done with choices. Even if somehow the real Ethan comes back, I won't play it again, because it is stressful and almost painfully to play it.

But it's funny, that in app called choices, choices do not really matter. Also this is my choice to stop playing it. Well, at least my choice will matter now.

It was fun ride guys, but I'm done. I had hope, but it was crushed with this Ethan abomination.

Peace and love to you all. Try to stay sane.

[chkristae]

Wow I think it finally sunk in... Eren's dead, like really dead. I knew he was gonna die, but... now I'm crying. It's just some type of late realization?

And I love him even more. He did all all that for his friends. I saw many people disliking him after the last chapter, but I like him more than ever.

Oh gosh, I'm crying. Eren's dead....

Rest in peace. Even though you brought hell and turned into mass murder, I will miss you.

Also more reason to cry - he can finally reunite with his mum... and the members of the survey corps and the guys from trainee, like Thomas and Mina, that's their name? And with Hange... I at least hope he is with them and not alone. (Well there is this bird thing, but I hope he was with everyone after he died, we saw the bird after 3 years from his death)

Like call me weird or anything, but I'll miss him.

He couldn't avoid his destiny, he fulfilled it, sacrificed himself and his future, became a monster... But I'm gonna really miss him.

This week I also started rewatching snk, before the manga ended. Oh gosh, I will never look at it the same way.

Goodbye Eren, you fulfilled your wish. Titans are gone, you managed to broke the curse and your friends have better chance at being free.

Goodbye Eren, rest in peace my child. You've dedicated your heart. I'm gonna miss you so much.

Now excuse me, I'm gonna cry my eyes out.

[chkristae]

In the end, it comes down to love

Even in the beginning of the story, Erens mother wanted him and Mikasa to survive, even if it meant she had to die and even so, she wanted to be with them, not to leave her, but she died to save them, because of love.

I'm not Eremika shipper, but I still don't mind the ending. What so wrong about Eren wanting Mikasa to love him? Like I know she needs to move on, and maybe she will, with time. But grief takes times and it never actually leaves. We remember our lost loved ones on many days, and mostly on the day we lost them. To stop grieving is like to forget the person we lost. Grief is part of the memory of the loved one. Also Mikasa living alone? We don't know that for sure. But also it's like with Levi, who managed to find peace and stop fighting. Both, Levi and Mikasa fought their whole lives, if they want to live in peace, let them, on their own terms.

In the end the story went to the core of humanity. Not fighting with each other or something like that, but to love. Love is beautiful but cruel, just like the world, but that does not mean it's not worth fighting for. Every one of us wants to be loved, like Ymir with King Fritz, even though it was twisted and not right. But we want to be loved, as humans.

Eren had to do what he did. Not because he saw the future, but for the ones he loved, for his friends.

War is not pretty. Lives are lost, loved ones are lost... like we can see with Levi it has consequences on both body and mind, and all the people he lost.

Also not all endings are happy endings. Like with Mikasa, not everyone can get a happy ending, but that doesn't mean it will stay that way. I hope in the future she manages to move on, but for now, she deserves to rest as anyone else. She had to kill Eren, the man she loved, the man who saved her life. If she wants to live for now in peace? Then let her, it's her choice.

I thought I would be angry about the eremika thing, but I'm not. It kinda makes sense. At least for me.

because in the end, it comes down to love.

That's just my opinion. All of us interpreted the ending our way.

Aot was and still is a big part of my life, I love the story and I want to stay it that way.

[chkristae]

Levi can finally rest. He deserves it. I'm happy...

[chkristae]

My thoughts on the leaks and the possibility how SNK will end

First - if you haven’t seen the leaks and don’t want to get spoiled what is happening, don’t read this. It’s a warning for spoilers.

Okay, this might get long, but I don’t care. Also, probably this is all for nothing, because there are only few leaks, that probably are not even five pages of the whole chapters, so who knows what’s really going on in the story and all the assumptions that we are getting might be wrong, or right, we will find the truth after the chapter is released.

But, I just have to write this.

I hope, actually pray, that SNK won’t end like many stories these past few years. For example - ending of Tokyo ghoul was really dissatisfactory. The story, as SNK was tragedy, from the starting point. We even have a quote from Ishida Sui - “If you were to write a story with me in the lead role, it would certainly be... a tragedy.”, but in the end... it wasn’t. I would say it’s like someone tells you and promises you some things, but in the end it is the exact opposite and you feel really disappointed, almost betrayed. In SNK form Isayama we have similar quote like from TG, that Eren said himself - “ I don't have time to worry if it's right or wrong, you can't hope for a horror story with a happy ending! “

Another story is Voltron, the whole show was a mess and I watched it till the end only to see if my favourite characters will make it out alive or not, I actually watched the last season only for one character, which was Keith, that was all. So if SNK goes down like Voltron, where the romance part was totally unnecessary and I will be bitter about it until my last breath in my life, I will probably read it to the end only for my favourite characters, which are Armin, Levi, Jean, Annie and even Historia.

The next story is the infamous tragic ending of the last Star wars movies, if you had seen it, you probably know what I mean, because the death scene was for me unnecessary and as in Voltron, the romance didn't have to be there, but I didn’t mind it (except for Voltron where I didn't like it, because it didn't make sense to me and the show would be better with no romance at all)-

So from this examples I hope, that SNK does not end the way which totally does not fit the theme - tragedy, loss, fighting for your life and freedom, because Eren running away is so out of his character? So why he did all of this? Why he joined the survey corps? Why did he started the rumbling? Even that the rumbling is really twisted way to achieve freedom, it was still in Eren’s character - for freedom, not only his, but those he loves and cares about (not meaning the romantic way, but for his friends, family and Paradis).

I’m Erehisu stan, I won’t hide it, but for me, if they don't became canon, so what? I don't need it, they have pretty nice connection, romantic or nor. They saved each other and Historia had a big part in his life, so for me I don't care if they become cannon. If they do? I will be happy. If they don't? I will be happy too.

And now for Mikasa, oh boy. I’m sorry, but for the whole show I just couldn't bring myself to like Mikasa. Like I don't hate her either, I just don't care much about her. If she is your favourite character, fine, I have nothing against it, your favourite character is your favourite character. Like I hoped there will be something that makes me like her and not me neutral about her, but that didn’t happen. Also, in the beginning I didn't see why people loved Levi so much, and before you hunt me down and kill me for this, let me say that through the story I started really liking him, he is one of my favourite characters. But this didn't happened with MIkasa, I don't know why, I just cannot bring myself to like her, but I don't hate her either, I just don't care.

Now, for Eren running away with Mikasa. Well, if they become cannon then let it be, even though the romance came out of nowhere, at least for me, I always saw them as friends and family, not romantic partners, but them running away? That is just out of character for both of them. Even though I’m neutral about Mikasa, her just leaving? This is just weird and probably it would ruing her development. In the beginning of the story she only cared about Eren, would follow him anywhere, as we know she almost died when she thought that Eren “died”. And through the story for me she learned to fight also for others, not just Eren, so just leaving everyone behind? Weird. As for Eren, he learned to care about others too. And remember when he went crazy and also threatened Levi himself, when Armin was on the edge of death? Why he would leave him? His best friend who showed him the book that started it all? That started Eren’s desire to see the world, join the survey and fight for freedom? Even when he learned the truth about Marley and Eldians, he still fought for it, but now run away? What freedom lies in running away?

I know I’m contradicting myself with the romance, that I would be fine with Erehisu but not much with Eremika, this just comes from my favourite thing in stories, when two people end up together and I didn’t expect it. In some stories you have this forced obvious couples that most of time don’t make sense, but when suddenly the protagonist ends up with someone else? I just love this twist, because like in real life, the person you are close with you probably wont end up with, but with someone else, who came to your life almost unexpectedly. This is just my favourite, lets say “trope” in fiction and stories (one of my most favourite couple is Isabelle and Simon from Shadowhunters) . But honestly, I would like to have no romance story at all, because SNK is NOT romance genre. Don’t get me wrong, I’m shipper and have many ships in SNK, but I don’t need them to become cannon, just let me ship them in peace, that’s what everyone wants, isn’t it?

So, in the end, I hope SNK gets ending that makes sense and doesn't become another Tokyo ghoul and Game of thrones (I haven't actually watched game of thrones, but I heard that the ending was worse than disaster). Leaks are leaks, not the whole chapter. Only Isayama and those who worked with him on the chapter know what is going on and as we know Isayma loves to make fun of us and see us suffer. Probably the leaks mean nothing and so this article in the end. I will still hope for the “right” ending and believe in Isayama. As Levi has said -  “No matter what kind of wisdom dictates you the option you pick, no one will be able to tell if it's right or wrong until you arrive to some sort of outcome from your choice." So let me suffer with my choices and it’s consequences. Until now Isayama wrote amazing story, that I love for now. If this hope gets ruined? Well, I will suffer in silence.

If you had read all of this, I bow to you. Sorry for grammatical nonsense and mistakes, English is not my first language.

Feel free to discuss in the comments, or message me. For another point of view, or to be bitter with me about the possible ending.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

[chkristae]

The case of Ethan Ramsey and those unspoken words

Probably this will make no sense but I have to get it out. So here is why I understand that Ethan is hesitant about saying I love you to MC, l and why I also deeply respect him and would never push him to say it... and I apologise in advance, because English is not my first language so there might be many mistakes.

But first I would like to stary with this - I know you are probably gonna hate me for this, but I actually don't want a proposal in open heart. I would like to see a story that doesn't end with proposing/marrying your LI. My parents have never married and they have the sweetest relationship I have ever seen in my life and even after many years together they are still deeply in love. I would love to see this type of representation, that not all happily ever after have to end with marriage.

And also for those who are mad that you are not official with your LI, it sucks. Like I see no reason with Jackie, Bryce and Rafael to be official, like no reason at all. But I'm not romancing them, so I might be wrong.

But I have to say that I understand Ethan, that he haven't said those words we are all waiting for (I love you). I think it's because of his childhood trauma - his mother left him unexpectedly and with no reasonable explanation (which he got later, but he was confused for all those years and had to always wonder why she left him) and as Ethan said himself - his father has still loved her, even though she did this horrible thing to him, and Ethan had hard time to understand it, probably still is up to now, some things take time to process.

But as the story went (from book 1 to now)Ethan has actually changed a lot, like a lot. He hasn't said those words to MC, yet, but he shows it in many other ways - the way he looks at them, speaks with them, how he relaxes and freely jokes with them etc. And in my opinion that is enough.

From my own personal experience, some people are afraid of the words "I love you", so they show it in their action, how they treat the person they love and so much and deeply care about. Honestly it took me some time to understand it with my own parents, that you can instead of saying "I love you", show that "I love you". (Yes I wrote that they are very happy, even thought they're not married). I have never heard them to say those I love you (they probably do, but not in front of me, or anyone else). They don't say it, but I can see it in their acting, how they treat each other, I see it on the days when my father cooks if my mother is exhausted after a long day at work, he gives her free time to relax and have time for herself... how he gives her massage when she asks (she has problem with her back and sometimes she gets terrible back pain.)

So I understand that Ethan might be afraid of saying "I love you", because of his childhood trauma and I see that he is showing it, instead of telling it. And I respect it (he's my LI in the book) and I would never push him to say those words (if he was real, which he is not of course). It's up to him when he will be ready.

I was actually not sure if I should write this, but i cannot ignore this anymore. I love stories - reading them as also creating my own... and as I look at Ethan's story and also as a writer myself and someone who loves creating stories, I can see why he hasn't said those words yet, - I love you. He needs time and I imagine my MC being patient with him, because even after the time they spent together, Ethan still has some walls up, but he is slowly opening up, showing more of what he really is under those defensive walls he has built in his childhood to protect himself after his mother left him in big scary world. So if he is not ready to say it, he is not, no need to push him.

And in my opinion love is about respect and patients with one another.

But this is just mine point of view on Ethan's story as a reader but also as a writer and story creator. And also as a student of psychology (I think it would be interesting to look at Ethan from psychological point of view in more depth - to explain his trauma, why he built his walls, his character as why he acted in the first book the way he did... but so don't have time to do that...).

So in conclusion - I understand and respect why Ethan might not has said I love you yet. And also in addition I hope Open heart does not end with proposal (but this will probably end up as my unfulfilled wish...And there are many people that want their LI to propose. I won't be mad if they propose, not at all, only little disappointed, because K would love to see representation that not everyone has to marry to get their happily ever after. Also I've never been in relationship, and I don't known it I will or marry someone in the future, I am open to marriage, but in my opinion it is not necessity to be happy as a couple).

Thanks for reading😊 well if you could understand what I tried to say... And sorry for my bad english...

P.s. I hope PB is not planning on doing jealousy/love triangle route with Harper,I'm so tired of these stories when you have to fight some character for your LI ( aka Olivia, Cassandra etc.) I love Harper, she is great, so i hope they don't ruin her character.

And also on why I don't like MC getting pregnant - aka me looking at my male MC Sebastian, wondering how he would manage that. Like Ethan is awesome and great but probably even this is not within his power😅.

[chkristae]

Hello, Choices fans.

Me? Posting one of my fanfictions? Pft, it looks like it.

Hello again, you don’t know me, but you can call me Ckristae. As you can see I’m (probably) just like you, or you can say Ethan Ramsey fan (or not, it’s up to you, who you prefer from Open heart).

I found out there are not many fics of Ethan x male MC, or I am just bad at finding them.

But let me say my interpretation of one of my favourite quotes: If you cannot find it, write it. Well and here I am.

I am not sure if anyone will actually read it, but well… here I am, still.

And also let me say that this idea hit me while listening to song Surrender by Natalie Taylor.

And also I want you to know that English isn’t my first (mother) language, so there are probably (surely) grammatical mistakes. I hope it’s at least readable (?)

I don’t know if I am going to post more fics, but let’s say I love writing and coming up with stories. I actually write fics and original stories in my mother language (which is Czech, is anyone there from Czech Republic?) on different platform. This is my first time posting something in English.

Well enough of talking, let’s go reading!

Ps: Name of my male MC is Sebastian Valentine.

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Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x male MC (Sebastian Valentine)

Summary: Sebastian has decided to finally end it, for his and also Dr. Ramsey’s sake. He is going to act professional with the man who means so much from him. Can he stay by his decision? Or will he surrender to his own feelings?

Words: 6 000 + (6 826), (trust me when I say it wasn’t supposed to be that long, but well, here I am)

Surrender

Sebastian

Sebastian knew that he had to be professional, that’s what they agreed on. Ethan was his boss so it had to be that way. There couldn’t be more between them even if it was what they desired.

Every day Sebastian told himself, that he is Ethan’s subordinate and that made Ethan his boss. But despite that he couldn’t forget about what they experienced together. There was strong bond between them and also feelings that he thought he would never experience in his life. All those moments with Ethan, all those gentle touches and feelings of belonging, meant so much for Sebastian and he cherished them.

Sebastian longed for more. He wanted more of those moments, more of Ethan. He caught himself several times thinking about Ethan, when they weren’t together. And when they were together he tried his best to resist his feelings and the urge to touch Ethan, even if they were in public. Sebastian wanted to hold his hand like normal couples did. He wanted to touch him, hold him and be held by him.

But it was impossible and also very inappropriate. Ethan was his boss, as he constantly reminded himself. And that was also what Ethan told him every time, when they were alone and let themselves surrender to their feelings for each other.

Sebastian knew he was screwed. He didn’t even remember when it actually happened.  When he started feeling so much for the man who was the reason he decided to study medicine and became doctor. For the man who was his mentor.

Sebastian even tried to convince himself by saying that there was an age difference between them. But he was lying to himself; age didn’t matter to him at all.

So he decided to end it completely. He decided to act professional. He decided to play role of Ethan’s subordinate. Nothing more, just co-workers. Boss and his subordinate.

-

When Sebastian arrived at the office of the diagnostic team he found out, that only Ethan was there. He had almost an hour before his shift started and Esme came too. He hoped to get some time before he had to face his decision of creating distance between them. He wanted to be alone to get ready, but it looked like the world was against him.

He caught himself staring, again. Ethan was sitting behind the table, where they usually discussed their patients. Ethan was scowling at some documents in his hand.

In the morning light Ethan’s features were even more beautiful than normally. And Sebastian always thought that this man was beautiful. His blue eyes, which stared at him inquisitively, were now concentrating on the paper. The wrinkle which appeared between his eyebrows whenever he was scowling. Wrinkles around his eyes when he smiled or was amused by something. His lips that curled into smile, when they were joking around. His tall and surprisingly muscularly figure under the doctor’s coat. Sebastian knew that well because he saw him naked several times.

Sebastian forced himself to come to his senses. He decided to stop it and move on from… he even couldn’t call it a relationship. It was the only way for both of them.

But he chickened out. He wasn’t ready to face him, not this early in the morning when his brain craved coffee. He wanted to slip out the room unnoticed, but it was too late.

“Are you going to just stand there, or are you going in?” Ethan asked, looking at Sebastian inquisitively. “And what are you doing here so early?”

Sebastian felt how his body tensed up. He stepped back inside. “Good morning, Dr. Ramsey,” he greeted him with smile, that he always gave to his patients. Friendly and professional. “I woke up early today and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I decided to go early to work.”

“That’s a lot of earlies,” said Ethan with an amused smile. “Did something happened?” his tone changed to concerned.

Sebastian shook his head and ignored his stupid heart that thumbed in his chest. “Nothing, Dr. Ramsey.”

Ethan scowled and opened his mouth to say something.

“Is this our new patient?” spoke Sebastian quickly to interrupt him and nodded towards papers in Ethan’s hands.

Ethan looked at the papers in his hands with a look as he had realised, that he is holding them. “Oh, yes.”

Sebastian walked towards the table and sat opposite him. Every other chair was empty, but he wanted to give himself as much space as possible between them. Normally, he would sit next to Ethan, but from today he decided to change that. Sitting to close to him was dangerous.

And of course, it wouldn’t be Ethan, if he hadn’t notice the change in his behaviour. He was one of the best doctors in the world and director of the diagnostics, of course, he would notice anything abnormal.

Ethan took of his glasses and looked at him questioningly. Sebastian had to restrain himself not to flinch under his gaze.

“What we know?” Sebastian Asked quickly. “I mean, about the patient?”

Ethan blinked and stayed quiet for a few seconds. Then he took the papers and handed them to Sebastian. “Thirteen years old girl. She was complaining about stomach-ache. But the MR and tests hadn’t showed anything abnormal. The pain isn’t that big for surgery, so no one looked inside.”

Sebastian nodded and looked at the papers. “How long the pain lasts?” he inquired and tried to find the information on the paper.

“For almost two weeks,” Ethan replied and got up. He stood behind Sebastian and looked over his shoulders at the paper. As he leaned forward his chest pressed towards Sebastian’s back and shoulder. He felt Ethan’s breath right next to his hear. He didn’t actually know if Ethan used perfume, but he could smell scent that just was Ethan.

Sebastian‘s body had tensed, and his breath hitched in his throat, because of the sudden closeness.

“What do you think it may be?” Ethan asked, probably oblivious of what he was doing.

Sebastian’s plan was screwed, or could be if he stayed like that. So he carefully stood up, because he didn’t want to hit him. “P-probably psychogenic pain?” he asked in a shaking voice. He started walking before the table, while looking at the paper in his hands and was hoping it didn’t look awkward as he thought. “Why she was even brought here? If it’s not that serious for surgery, why she was handed to you?”

“Her father is rich bank manager. Naveen told me to take care of it. He is afraid that if we don’t treat her and later it turns out to be something serious, her father might sue as for not giving her the treatment she required,” Ethan answered. “We can try to give her placebo.”

“Yeah, you can try it,” Sebastian nodded. “But first you should discuss it with Dr. Mirani and Dr. Hirata.”

“I?” Ethan blinked. “If I remember correctly, you are also part of this team.”

Sebastian stopped walking and looked at him. “Yes, o-of course. I just…Yes, you are right. Sorry, Dr. Ramsey.” He lowered his head.

“There is nothing to be sorry about,” Ethan approached him, took papers from his hands and placed them on the table.  “And now tell me what is so wrong with you.”

“With me? Nothing’s wrong with me,” Sebastian laughed. “Why should there be something wrong with me?”

Ethan frowned at him suspiciously.

Good job, Sebastian. Keep going like that and he will send you for a check-up, that he will probably do himself. Are you ready for that he will see you half – naked? He said to himself ironically.

“Sebastian, what’s wrong? You know, you can tell me anything, right?” The painful expression on Ethan’s face made him question his decision.

No, he couldn’t give in. He decided to let them, him, go.

“I didn’t get much sleep last night,” he said and looked outside. “I will get myself coffee and I will be fine, so don’t worry, Dr. Ramsey.”

Ethan narrowed his eyes, but before he could say anything Sebastian walked quickly out of the room. On his way out he almost bumped into Dr. Hirata.

“Good morning, Dr. Hirata,” he greeted her with smile and continued walking. He had to get away as quickly as possible.

He was trying to calm himself down. Because of that he didn’t look where he is going and bumped into someone.

“Sorry,” he murmured his apology and wanted to continue walking, but a hand on his shoulders topped him.

“Hey, where are you going so fast? Is there a free food in the cafeteria or what?”

He looked at who he bumped into. “Bryce, sorry. I was lost in thoughts,” he said to the boy, who was always able to improve his mood. But not today, today was different. Even Bryce might not have the power to lighten his mood.

“Oooh, let me guess. You have some hell of a case and don’t know how to solve it. Well I am just a surgeon, but I might help you,” Bryce proudly shifted his chin.

Sebastian shook his head. “No, nothing like that. I have to go now; Esme is probably waiting for me.”

“Okay, if you say so,” Bryce give him a bright smile. “But if you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me, you know that right?”

“Yes, I know, thanks Bryce,” he smiled at him a hoped it is believable.

He continued walking and this time he looked where he was going. He really had to get rid of these feelings for Ethan, or he will endanger his patients and colleagues. Now he started truly understand why Ethan didn’t want them to be together.

-

The next two weeks went quite quickly. Sebastian felt like he was on an autopilot, when he wasn’t treating his patients, helping Esme or being working the diagnostic team. When he was at home it was much worse. He almost burned dinner when he was helping Sienna and the other time he forgot that he left his laundry in the washing machine. Several times he was also spacing out. And other noticed and of course asked if he is okay. He always said that he was just tired. He was glad they didn’t question him more.

Ethan was not much help either, not that he knew about Sebastian’s decision. Every time they had meeting with the diagnostics they discussed their patients and Sebastian tried to help them found out what the disease might be. Right after they came with possible treatment Sebastian flew out of the room. He didn’t want to talk to him.

He was doing great job until Ethan decided to sit with him during lunch. Sebastian was reading book about DM to revise his knowledge, because he had been given patient with diabetes. His friends were on their shifts, it was one of those days when Edenbrook was quite busy and they had to take turns at lunch. That day he also felt quite down so he said, he will go alone this time. Of course they might ask him about it after work, or they will let it go. As he knew his friends they might keep quiet until he tells them himself.

“What are you reading?”

He lifted his head in shook. He was doing great job whole day of avoiding him. He only met him this morning in the diagnostic room together with Dr. Mirani and Dr. Hirata. The meeting was six hours ago, not like he was counting.

Ethan sat opposite him and nodded toward his phone. “What are you reading?” he repeated his question.

“Ehm. Something about diabetes,” he replied and blinked at his book.

“Why?”

“Ehm…” he started and then, thanks to whoever is up there, his phone ringed. “Oh, sorry. It’s my patient, I have to go.” He stood up and put his phone into his coat. While he was taking his tray and book, Ethan grabbed him by his wrist.

Sebastian felt his heart jump and then it quickened its pace. No. Not again. He groaned internally.

“I have to go, Dr. Ramsey,” he looked at him hoping that he will let go of his hand.

“I just… It seems we haven’t talked much during past weeks. I just wanted to know how you are doing?” he asked him with his typical inquisitive face.

How he hated and loved that expression.

“I am doing fine. Thank you for asking, Dr. Ramsey. But I have to go now, my patient needs me.”

Ethan stared at him for few seconds and then let go of his hand. “Of course, sorry for disturbing you.”

He wanted to say, that he wasn’t disturbing him at all, but his phone ringed again. “Excuse me,” he murmured and quickly walked away.

As he was exciting the cafeteria he quickly looked toward Ethan. Ethan was staring at his lunch with confused expression on his face.

Sebastian’s heart sank. He walked out and shook his head. This way it was better. For both of them. Pain is part of life; he will get over it and Ethan too. In few months it would be as nothing has happened, just a distant memory.

Even though his heart was heavy with pain and he felt tears forming in his eyes. He blinked rapidly to chase them away.

Just a distant memory.

-

Another two weeks had passed. One month since Sebastian decision to keep distance from Ethan.

He thought it would get better. But it actually had got worse.

Yes, he was still avoiding Ethan. Yes, he still stood by his decision.

But every time he looked back at Ethan, after he quickly left the diagnostic room, he saw that painful and confused expression on his face. It hurt his own heart to see him like that.

Was his decision right?

Sebastian was standing in front of coffee machine on one of the hospital’s corridors. He was tired and actually felt little weak. The weather was getting colder every day. Probably he caught something?

“Hey, Sebastian.”

He turned around and saw Sienna with worried expression. “Others told me not to ask, that if you want to talk you will, but… Is there something wrong? These past few weeks you seemed little bit down.”

Sienna, bless her kind soul. She was one of the kindest people he knew. Others were also kind, but Sienna was… Sienna.

He couldn’t lie to her. Not straight into her eyes, he just couldn’t.

He sighed and the machine behind him beeped. He took out his coffee. “Well… if you have time, I would love to talk.”

She smiled at him. “Yes, of course. I will just let know my intern that I am going on a break.”

“Sure,” he nodded.

Sienna also bought herself a cup of coffee. They walked outside, but before that they had taken their coats from lockers. It was chilly outside, but the sun was still shining. Also no one was there, so they had some privacy.

“It’s too cold? We can go inside, if you want,” he said quickly, when he saw how she clenched her hands around her coffee.

She shook her head. “No, it’s fine. I also need some fresh air.”

“Okay. But if you will get too cold you will tell me, okay?”

She nodded. “So… Can you tell me what’s going on?”

He sighed and leaned on the railing and looked at his coffee. “How can you stop loving someone?”

Sienna was quiet for a while. It made him nervous and his heart was beating in his chest. But he quietly waited for her response.

“Is this about Dr. Ramsey?”

He nodded. There was no reason for hiding it. At this point all of his friends probably knew. Except for Aurora, because she wasn’t as close with him in the first year as others. But she was quiet observant, so he wasn’t sure if she knew or not.

“Well, you can never stop loving someone.”

He chuckled. “Great.”

“Well, I will just tell you it’s similar as it was with me and Wayne. He wasn’t treating me well, but even so, I still loved him. Well, I loved the old Wayne, before he changed and I still blindly hoped, that things will get back to the way there were. I’m not saying that… I just want to say, it will stay with you,” she said and leaned next to him. He felt her shoulder brush over his. Her closeness was quite comforting.

“Then what should I do?” he asked and looked up at the clouded sky.

“Consider if it’s worth it. Every relationship will bring you problems, it’s up to you, if it’s worth it or not.”

He lowered his gaze and clenched his coffee. “This is different. He is my boss. I am his subordinate. It’s not professional.”

“Well, are your feelings professional?”

He frowned at her, confused. “What’s that supposed to mean? How can feelings be professional?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Up till now I was only in one relationship. I just want to know how you would describe your own feelings towards him.”

“I…” he started but didn’t know how to continue. He looked back down. “I don’t know. How can you describe these kinds of feelings?”

She shrugged again. “Who knows?”

“Then why are you asking?” he narrowed his eyes.

She smiled at him. “I just want you to think about it. Let’s say it does not work out, and it might. Let’s say everyone in this hospital will be against it, and some will. Let’s say Dr. Naveen will ask you to end it, or quit your job, which he might do. Will it still be worth it?”

“I…” again, he didn’t know what to say. Would it be worth it? Well there was the possibility they won’t work out and break up in the end. There was the possibility that someone will hold it against him and Ethan. He wasn’t so sure about how Dr. Naveen would react, but that man had heart of gold and loved Ethan as his own son. So he might stand beside them.

Some things are worth the risk. He heard Ethan’s voice in his head.

He sighed. “I am not sure. How can I be sure?”

“No one is sure about anything and we still try it, right? Is it worth the try? Imagine all those what ifs don’t exist. Is it worth it, if they don’t?” she raised an eyebrow at him. “I hope I am not too confusing.”

He bit his bottom lip. “How they cannot exist?”

She bumped with her shoulder to his. “Just imagine it, Mr. Diagnostic.”

He laughed. “Well… I wold say yes. It would be worth trying. He is Ethan freaking Ramsey,” he held his hand out. “There is no one better than him.”

“Aw…” she leaned on him. “You like him.”

He glared at her. “That’s the point isn’t it?”

They both started laughing. God, how he was glad, that he had friend like Sienna.

“So, what will you do?” she asked.

He felt his shoulders lower and looked down. “It’s nice fantasy, but this is reality. These what ifs won’t disappear.”

She put hand around his shoulders. “Sebastian…”

“I was thinking,” he interrupted her. “There might be one way. What if I go away? I mean, leaving Edenbrook and- “

“Stop it, right there,” she said and forced him to turn around so he was facing her. He always thought of Sienna as one of the kindest people alive. But when she got angry, she was really scary. He felt like a first grader who is scolded by his mum after he did something bad.

“Don’t you dare even thing about it. You are not going anywhere. What wold you do without us? And we without you?” she shook him, like she wanted to get some sense into him. “You are not leaving Edenbrook. You belong here. And in that case, screw Dr. Ramsey. I like him, but I won’t exchange him for one of my best friends. And you won’t either exchange him for anything.”

He blinked at her in surprise. Yes, he thought of leaving Edenbrook, but not because it was a way to get together with Ethan, but to get away from him. Every day was harder and harder. He couldn’t imagine how he can continue this, well he could, but it was exhausting.

His phone beeped, so he took it out of his coat. “I have to go. Esme needs me.”

Sienna let go of his shoulder. He was little taller than her, so she had to stood on her toes to be on the same eye level. “It will be okay, Sebastian,” she said with reassuring smile.

He would like to believe her, but he couldn’t.

-

Few days later he woke up with a terrible headache, runny nose and cough. When he got out of his room, Sienna pushed him back to his bed. She made him some herbal tea and Jackie gave him painkillers for his headache. Elijah called to work, that Sebastian won’t be going today. He also asked for a favour if they will look after Esme and his patients. Aurora agreed that she will take care of it.

“You will be relaxing, okay? No studying, nothing. Only sleeping and binging Netflix.” Sienna told him, when they were leaving for work. “If something happens, call one of us, okay?”

“Yes,” he said and coughed. “Have a nice day,” he waved at them.

He was alone. The apartment was eerie quiet when there was no one else.

He decided to binge Netflix to kill time, but he was barely paying attention. He thought if he was ill because of the cold weather outside or because of the stress he currently went through. Keeping an eye on Esme, attending diagnostic meetings and avoiding Ethan was quiet exhausting.

The painkillers made him sleepy and he fell asleep halfway through the movie.

He was woken up by ring at the door. He hoped that whoever was behind the door will walk away, so he stayed in bed and tried to fall asleep again. He wasn’t really in the mood to talk with anyone.

The person really stopped ringing and started knocking instead.

Sebastian sat up. He was irritated and convinced to give that person peace of his mind. But his headaches stopped him from moving. He grabbed his own head and hissed in pain.

He looked at the clock. It was time to take another painkiller, so he did that.

But the person behind the door just couldn’t stop knocking and started ringing again. He groaned and got out of the warm covers. Because of that he had woken up Lexi, who was sleeping with him. He didn’t remember when the fennec fox has joined him, but it was adorable.

The knocking stopped and Sebastian was hoping that the person left.

He wanted to lie back down and get back to the land of dreams, when his phone beeped. He squinted at it and almost dropped it when he saw the text. Well, from whom the text was.

Open up, it’s me.

He got up and ignored how his head protested. He managed to get to the door without knocking anything over. But he almost tripped over Mitch who was slowly getting to the kitchen. For reassurance he put the turtle away, closer to the kitchen, so he won’t kill himself over him as he will go back to bed. He also looked for Andi. He found the chinchilla sleeping peacefully on the couch.

He opened the door and narrowed his eyes because of the sudden light from the corridor.

“Dr. Ramsey,” he said and realised how his throat is dry. “What are you doing here?”

Ethan looked, for some reason, relieved. He kept staring at him as he was some kind of ghost.

Sebastian felt blood rushing into his face. He must have looked as mess. He surely had bed hair and red nose. Couldn’t he make himself more representable? He hated how he looked when he was sick. “I’m sick, Dr. Ramsey. You shouldn’t be here. Thank you, for checking on me,” he said and wanted to close the door.

But Ethan stopped him. “I was worried,” he said in husky voice.

Sebastian blinked in surprise. “It’s just a cold….What they told you?”

“Who?” Ethan asked.

“Others. It was Sienna, wasn’t it?” he sighed. He loved that girl, but sometimes…

“No one told me anything. I came by myself.”

Sebastian blinked again and his mouth fell agape. “Why?”

“I…” he looked around. “Can I come in? It’s weird to talk like that.”

“Well,” he looked inside. The apartment was quiet mess, because no one of them had time for cleaning up. Their shifts were long and they always came back tired. They usually cleaned on their days off.

“Please,” said Ethan imploringly.

Sebastian didn’t have the strength to fight with him, so he opened the door. “Sorry or the mess,” he mumbled.

Ethan walked inside but didn’t give a second glance at the mess. He kept his gaze on Sebastian, which made him, of course, more nervous.

Sebastian felt weak so he walked towards the couch and sit there. Andi looked up at him and climbed on his thigh. He started stroking her soft fur. “So, why are you here? Sorry that I couldn’t be today on the meeting, I should have let you know,” he said and then coughed. “Sorry.”

Ethan sat next to him. His body has tensed up and Andi looked suspiciously at the man who interrupted her stroking.

“Don’t get so close to me, you will get sick,” Sebastian murmured and tried to give some space between them.

“I work in hospital, I don’t get sick,” he replied.

Sebastian laughed. “So you are one of those people. Elijah owes me ten bucks.”

“So you are just sick, nothing else?” Ethan looked at him inquisitively.

God, how he hated and loved that expression.

“Don’t worry, I am not dying, it’s just a cold. Will you tell me, why are you here?”

He saw how Ethan’s body relaxed. “I thought... I mean I heard…” he lost his voice so he coughed.

“See, you are sick,” Sebastian grinned.

Ethan glared at him. “No I am not. And that’s not what…” he sighed. “I… well…” he looked sideways.

Sebastian couldn’t believe what he saw. Ethan freaking Ramsey was embarrassed by something. He couldn’t decide if it was funny or adorable. Probably both.

“What?” he asked with an amused grin on his face.

“I overheard you conversation with Dr. Trinh few days ago.” Sebastian mouth fell agape. Agni on his thigh assumed that she won’t get any attention so she jumped down and walked towards the kitchen to get some food.

“Oh my God,” Sebastian covered his mouth. “You were eavesdropping?”

“No I-“spurted Ethan, but it was useless. He cleared his throat. “I overheard few things.” Sebastian was grinning like an idiot. He never thought that Ethan Ramsey would be eavesdropping at someone.

His grin was easily erased, when he remembered what they were talking about. “W-what did you hear?” he asked.

“Well,” Ethan looked uncomfortable. “Just that you were thinking about leaving the Edenbrook.” Now was Sebastian’s turn to feel embarrassed. Yes, he was thinking about that but he let that go after the conversation with Sienna. He couldn’t imagine himself working somewhere else than in Edenbrook. He loved that place.

“I also heard that I might be the reason.” Sebastian felt even more embarrassed. He hid his face into his hands and groaned loudly. “Sorry, it’s not like that,” he lied. He wasn’t looking at him, so lying was easy that way, especially in the case of Ethan.

“It’s not?” repeated Ethan, startled. “Then why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m not-“he spurted out and looked up. He was cut off by the expression on his face. Pain and regret. The same expression he saw during past weeks. And he was the source of that.

Sebastian bit his lower lip a lowered his gaze. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t lie to him, neither wanted to tell the truth.

“Why are you avoiding me? Have I done something wrong?” Ethan asked carefully.

Sebastian closed his eyes and sighed. There was no way out now. “I tried to be professional with you,” he said quietly and hoped that Ethan heard him, because he didn’t want to repeat that, it hurt too much. He looked down, because it was too painful to look at him.

“Professionally?” Ethan repeated dumbfoundedly. “It’s because of what I said, right?” Sebastian sighed. “Sorry, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable but… I just… I wanted it to stop.”

“Wanted?” Ethan repeated again.

“These feelings, I…” he felt tears in his eyes. Thank God he wasn’t looking at him. “I’m sorry Dr. Ramsey, you should go,” he stood up and ignored the dizziness. “I am glad, that you were worried about me, but don’t be. I am not leaving Edenbrook and I don’t want to either,” he opened the door and still refused to look at him. “Please, go now.”

He stood at the door and waited until Ethan left. He didn’t.

Sebastian brought himself to look at him. Ethan was still sitting at the couch and watched him His heart quickened his pace when their eyes met. “Please Dr. Ramsey,” he urged.

Ethan stood up. He slowly walked towards the door but didn’t left. He stood before Sebastian with expression that Sebastian knew very well. He had this same expression every time; they had to stop what was between them. Every time they had to face the world alone, leaving the other one.

“Sebastian, I…” he started.

Sebastian shook his head. It was a mistake, because the dizziness came back and he staggered. He held on the door handle not to fall down and also felt two strong hands on his waist.

He looked up and saw two blue eyes looking at him. He loved those eyes so much.

“Let me help you,” Ethan insisted.

Sebastian caught himself looking down at Ethan’s lips. All this time, four weeks and he couldn’t leave these feelings he had for this man. Sienna was right, it will never leave him. It will stay with him no matter what.

He felt tears forming in his eyes and before he could stop them, they fell down his cheeks.

Ethan’s blue eyes went wide. He opened his mouth to say something.

“Why are you so cruel,” Sebastian sobbed. He hated that he cried in front of him. That was the last thing he wanted to happen. “Why… You said there could not be anything more. And I understand that, trust me, I do. I know how dangerous it is, the risks not for us, but for the ones around us. How it can put a danger our patients and our colleagues too. How many things could go wrong. How it can destroy our lives and careers. But even though…” he gulped. “I want you. I want you so badly. I try to ignore it, I try to push it away, but it’s impossible,” he said and pushed himself away from him. But his body felt weak. He didn’t know if it was because of his cold or the emotional breakdown he was experiencing. Probably it was bit of both.

“And then you. Why did you come? If you don’t care about me, why did you come? Why are you so afraid that I might leave Edenbrook? It’s because I am such a good doctor and you don’t want the hospital to lose me? Or because you don’t want to lose me?” He felt dizzy. His head was spinning and pain was pounding in his temples. “How’d it come to this?” he sobbed.

Ethan was quiet. He was looking at him, expression full of pain. “You have to lie down. When was the last time you took your medicine?”

Sebastian bit down his lower lip. “Just go,” he said and looked sideway.

“Let me help you.” He approached him with open arms.

“Just go!” he said and pushed to his chest. The impact made him stumbled backwards. “Please, just go…” he turned around and stumbled to his bedroom. He closed the door behind him and felt that his knees gave out. He slid down to the floor while looking before him. Tears were running down his cheeks and sobs leaving his lips.

It was over. He destroyed the last bits of relationship they had between them. Probably he had to leave Edenbrook at last? His heart ached at that thought.

He heard knock at the door. “Sebastian?”

“I said go!” he screamed and his head pounded. “Please, I don’t want to be angry at you.”

It was quiet for a while. He thought that he left, as he insisted.

“I am sorry,” spoke Ethan with heavy voice. “I didn’t mean to come it to this.”

Sebastian was quiet.

“I just…” Ethan sighed. “I thought that… I don’t know what I thought. The truth is I…” Another second of quietness. “I want you too. And it gets harder every day to keep restraining myself. When you started avoiding me and whenever we met you acted so formally. I thought I have done something that has upset you. So I kept quiet, hoping that you will tell me. It was a mistake I should have asked, we should have talked.”

Sebastian was still quiet.

“I don’t want to lose you. When I heard that you want to leave Edenbrook I felt hopeless. The thought that I won’t see you anymore? It was so painful I almost lost my mind. Then every next day I waited, hoped that you will show up at work. And today you didn’t so I went here. I probably got to trouble by doing that and Naveen will talk to me, but… I think it was worth it. For a while it was, because I know now that you don’t want to leave Edenbrook.”

Sebastian wiped his face from the tears and continued to listen. His heart was pounding in his chest rapidly. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Please, say something. Even after all of this, I… I still want you. And I think you are worth the risk.”

His heart skipped a beat and then quickened its pace again. He breathed in and slowly got up to his weak legs.

“Sebastian? Please tell me you didn’t pass out.” He opened the door. “How can I tell you if I passed out, if I actually did?” he asked jokingly, but the smile form his lips faded away when he saw him. Ethan’s face was stained by tears.

“Who would ever think, that Ethan Ramsey would be behind my door like that?” he chuckled and wiped Ethan’s face.

Ethan took his hands into his and held them, like he was scared that Sebastian would walk away from him. “I’m sorry,” he said in husky voice. “I just cannot lose you. It’s too scary.”

He clenched his hands. “You won’t.”

“You cannot know that,” he replied sceptically.

“Well,” he shrugged. “At least for now. Let’s focus on the now, okay?”

Ethan nodded and leaned towards him. Their forehead touched and he felt his breath on his face.

“Even though this is lovely,” Sebastian spoke after a while. “I’m sick, so don’t get too close.” Ethan frowned. “I don’t get sick.”

“You said that, so you will,” he winked at him. “Now I will get back to bed and you should get back to work.” Ethan opened his mouth to protest.

“I will be fine. If anything happens, you will be the first to know, okay?”

Ethan nodded, but by his expression, he could say, he didn’t agree. “I will come after work, okay?”

“Okay, doctor,” he chuckled and gave him a quick kiss on his cheek.

-

After three days of sickness Sebastian came back to work. Three whole days of recovery and famous Sienna cooking. He would be actually surprised if he didn’t get better thanks to that.

These three days Ethan insisted on visiting after work, but Sebastian turned him down. It was not like he didn’t want to see him. He just wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want him to catch the cold too. Even though Ethan visited every day and the face on others faces, except Sienna’s, was priceless. Especially Elijah didn’t know how to act and almost overthrown tea into Ethan’s lap.

When Sebastian walked into the hospital, he was greeted by the nurses and Dr. Delarosa who together with Aurora looked after his patients and Esme. Dr. Mirani also greeted him with his usual attitude. “Hope, you are good, Valentine. I don’t want to deal with sick doctors and nurses.” But he knew that Zaid was happy to have him back.

When he walked into the diagnostic room Dr. Mirani, Zaid’s brother, greeted him with a hug. Dr. Hirata nodded at him a continued her work on her computer. Dr. Mirani told him that Ethan was called into Naveen’s office, so they should go over their patients without him.

Then Sebastian decided to check up on Esme. She was doing great and even asked him how he was doing. He helped her with her patients and then came back to the room of diagnostic team.

Dr. Hirata and Dr. Mirani were gone. Ethan was sitting at the table, reading something on his computer.

Sebastian slowly walked behind him and took off his glasses. Then he quickly covered his eyes and kept quiet.

Ethan’s body immediately tensed up. “Baz, we talked about this,” Ethan sighed. “This is not funny.”

“Aw, what happened? Did Naveen found out about your private coffee machine and took it away?”

Ethan tensed again and got up. Because of the height difference Sebastian had to take his hands down.

Ethan turned towards him. “I was wondering, where were you,” he said with a smile on his lips.

Sebastian shrugged. “You know. I got lost on the way of life. But I managed to find you, so I am good.”

Ethan looked around. The door to the room was made of glass, but no one was on the corridor outside. When Ethan made sure, that they are alone, he hugged him.

“Ethan Ramsey hugging me on his own?” Sebastian laughed and put his hands on his back to return the hug. “Is the world actually ending?”

“Not anymore,” Ethan replied, amused. “Want to get coffee?”

“If you are paying,” he winked at him.

Ethan rolled his eyes. “Come on, rookie.”

“Wow,” Sebastian gasped. “Didn’t hear that for long.” “Why? Don’t want to?” he raised eyebrow at him.

Sebastian shrugged. “Nah, I kinda like it and missed also missed it.”

Ethan led him to his office. On the way the met several people. Including Sienna who gave Sebastian knowing look and gave him thumbs up. He grimaced at her and she laughed in response. Her intern was looking confusingly between both of them.

“Wow, so that’s the famous coffee machine,” Sebastian said, when they entered Ethan’s office. He looked at the machine and its many functions.

Ethan closed the door. “It kept me alive for long time.”

“I got quite competition there,” Sebastian squinted at the coffee machine. “This will be hard.”

Ethan chuckled. “Don’t worry; you are on the gracious second place.”

Sebastian gasped. “Second place?” he looked annoyed at the machine. “I won’t loose.”

He felt hands slipping onto his waist and turning him around so he was facing Ethan, who was smiling at him amusingly. “I think you can get to the first place easily.”

“And how, doctor?” he tugged at his coat to get him closer.

“Guess it, rookie.” Sebastian closed the distance between them. His lips felt as every time they kissed. Soft and warm. This time it was little different because of Ethan new grown beard. Not like he was complaining, that beard had grown on him.

They departed. Both gasping for air, but not fully getting away from each other.

“So how I score now?” Sebastian asked with stupid grin on his face.

“Getting closer to the first place,” replied Ethan.

“Well, I have to try harder.” He kissed him again. This time more passionately. They stumbled and Sebastian stood backwards and leaned against the wall so they won’t fall down.

He felt like a fool that he wanted to run away from this. He was glad that in the end had surrender and even better was that Ethan did so to.

There were obstacles in their future. But together they can make it work. But for that moment, they wanted to live for now.