choking-on-a-ghost

[choking-on-a-ghost]

bro. ngl i just actually sh for the first time. like wtf is wrong with me. it’s ugly as hell

[choking-on-a-ghost]

when the chapter about buffers starts talking about the dangers of ingesting antifreeze but you already know about it because you’re suicidal 😐

[choking-on-a-ghost]

reeling, he was reeling

a spider, convulsing when the weight is lifted

when the blanket is inevitably lifted

when the soul he was clinging to was lifted

now he must learn to unlatch his fingers

to loosen his heart

to

no

because how can he forget down on his cheek

how can he discard feathers so light, so rare,

strewn now, fainted now in pale splits

how can he deny himself the memory of a small smile among spring flowers

a smile sweet and dulled and belonging at that moment to the field

he owned that smile, he believed it, he bathed in it

how can he dismiss the bed of light, the veils, the scrounged copper, the sighs,

the touch: first a Semartian’s, a comrade’s crutch, mutually threadbare, wading, funny

then scrambled, then wanting, then reaching, open palmed, to plant deeper, and higher, and yet

how could he erase his fellow traveler, tall and slight, swayed by the air,

always ready to evaporate, always prone to scatter, refract

it was his job to anchor him. he embraced, solid, warm, like his nature, like taught

but really wanted to trap him, to scold him, to weep, to weigh his legs down, to beg

he should have!

he should have done more!

reeling now, reeling now. reeling.

* * *

oh, dear, my deer, how silent and rugged you were.

i miss your articulated hands, your cool hands that signed, that caressed me, so gently and smoothly,

do you remember how we persisted? you, collapsed in the darkness, me, petrified in the light?

why did you save me? why did you struggle beside me? to then forsake me?

often i still look up expecting to see you canopied above me, my shelter

i dressed with bows and lace for me, but also for you, i hoped to catch your gaze, spur your chlorophyll blush

now when i see that shade of green, i think of your hair soaked wet in your own blood

you did not become wind as i always feared. it was messy and cruel.

when you lifted me and held me, i was giddy, on the brink of fainting in your arms, my knight

there, in the air i blinked so close to your heart, your sinless hair, your stark white brow, your lashes long and bright,

butterflies lighter than day, than light, heavenly glowing, waving at me.

but then, my friend, my ecstasy coiled to fear.

i remembered i was heavy, and you, you could plummet

for it was then i saw your eyes so intimately

dark and unlying

warm in the way they regarded, goodbye

[choking-on-a-ghost]

i am perpetually filled with guilt

[choking-on-a-ghost]

a dream:

i spoke i forced spoke

scientists. they smiled. they were human indeed.

sweaters brisk sip discussing lines

chewing what i cannot identify

murky in my chest box

show me? casual

another graph. another line. another abstract

showed me my face, brain, neurons

numbers worming, inflamed

and my eyes: giant white star gashes

ripped bigger into paper holes

i saw me, meaning

i saw chemicals with eyes of agony

a skeleton already dead

so i really am just a body, i thought

mortal dread boiled suddenly

i was an animal

escape! clawing at life

it has always been clawing

i have always been screaming

running light red angry vacuum

blinking away, blinking away