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I’ve returned sooner than usual...

So shock horror it hasn’t been an age since my last little life update, guess I just have some things on my mind right now and there’s no better fix than a bit of word vomit in my tumblr diary. 

When I moved to Birmingham I was so optimistic about this exciting new adventure I was going on, making new friends, starting a sick new job and I suppose it has been like that for the most part. Work is hard and I still feel clueless 75% of the time but I’m slowly getting better and I’m getting so much closer to the work lot which has been really fun. The thing I didn’t realise was how much I relied on that feeling of home, I found it pretty easily in Manchester - firstly with the Maple lot and then with the rugby girls. In fact I found it so quickly that I never really missed it, I didn’t even realise I had it in the first place. I’m missing it now. I can’t even put my finger on what that feeling really is I just know that even though everything is fine and going well I am not content.

I guess the real issue is Mum. I feel as though by living here I am missing out on possibly the last few years of Mum being able bodied and of sound mind. She’s getting noticeably worse. Silver lining is she has now officially retired and her and Dad will be getting the money to hopefully do all the things she wants to do whilst she still can. I didn’t think at 21 I would be helping to decide which would be the best pension option for my Mum and I certainly didn’t think I’d have to ask my Dad if he’d thought of the possibility that in 10, 15 years time he may not be able to care for her. Whenever I get round to telling someone about her condition I always find myself repeating the same phrase - “it is what it is, we can’t do anything about it.” That feeling of being powerless used to made me so angry, so furious that this thing so out of our control was taking my mum away from me day by day. Now I’m just sad. Actually more than that, I’m heartbroken; now I think I’ve finally come to terms that this is forever. She is slowly going to get worse, day by day, month by month, year by year until inevitably she will be a shell of who she is right now. Knowing that I will have to watch her and watch my Dad deal with it all - and Nick when he finally finds out- that’s the hardest part. That and the not knowing, not knowing just how long she’ll be able to walk for, or how long she’ll be able to keep up with the conversations. But what else can I say? It is what it is.

I’ve been feeling pretty alone recently, the Joe I mentioned in my last post kind’ve did a number on me. He didn’t like some of the choices I had made and that coloured his opinion of me. I’ve never been in that situation before where you really feel for someone and have been dating and have even been on a weekend break together and then they turn around and decide you just aren’t for them. I guess the reason I’m feeling so alone is because I get to witness an example of the most incredible love every day in the form of my parents. For my Dad to stick by my Mum regardless of how difficult it has and how difficult it will be, even though she isn’t really the woman he married anymore. I’m not sure I’ll ever find that.

This is a really depressing life update but I promise future Rach that I’m okay. A few more years here in Birmingham sticking it out then I’ll be back in Manc where I belong.

As always I’ll end with some hopeful words - ‘I go to seek a great perhaps.’

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Yearly check in

So it’s 3:55pm on the 13th October 2017 and I’ve found my way to tumblr once again for another little life update. Just reread my last diary post and it’s incredible how much can change in a year and a half, in fact it’s actually kind of scary. 

Guess I’ll start with uni, I have no idea how but I managed to be the jammiest person alive and graduate with an average 69.5% that was rounded up to a 1st! That’s right ladies and gents, this slacker is the proud owner of a First Class Honours degree in Mathematics!!! Three exclamation marks are definitely necessary considering I went out the most I have ever done this year and attended around 40% of lectures. In truth it all came down to the last few weeks before exams when I crammed like a crazy person, don’t think my Dad has ever been more shocked or happy - he literally leaped around like a little kid.

Onto the most glaringly obvious change in my life - the absence of Jake. As of now we have been broken up for nearly 8 months and I cannot believe how quickly that time has gone by. It was originally an amicable split, we’ve both grown up quite a bit these last few years and essentially we grew into totally different people and luckily we both realised that. The issues came with the months that followed - I don’t think either of us fully imagined how difficult it would be to live in a tiny 2 bed flat (albeit in a block with all our friends) and successfully move on. Here it is in black and white - I was a selfish idiot. I didn’t afford Jake enough respect when I was going out and ‘moving on’ but that was just my way of coping. Our friendship became slightly forced and awkward but the final nail in the coffin shall herefore only be known as the worst decision ever made in my life. It’s hard to get closure when the other person doesn’t really want anything to do with you. I’ve lost a lot of friends from the football but in the words of my wise little bro “if they were really your friends they wouldn’t have acted like they did.” Onwards and upwards I guess.

In other news I have just returned from the most amazing summer of my life - a week in Bali with the spice bbz and then 4 weeks travelling around New Zealand by myself! Forget the amazing scenery, the skydive and the incredible friends I made (Em, Flo, Vez, Kaila, Maya, Laura etc) - I just feel like such a bigger and better person for having gone and done something like that by myself. I had no idea what was awaiting me and I went and did it anyway. One more step down the road of pushing myself out of my comfort zone and into new adventures and opportunities! Now living in Birmingham with my new flatmate Alice (who is a dream) and gearing up to start my swanky new grad job with KPMG woop woop. I am just ready and raring to go. Got a little gang of pals through Alice and also a budding romance with a lovely new boy/man/person called Joe. I literally have butterflies just thinking about him - early days but I am very very hopeful.

Can’t complete this life update without a word on the fam, Nick has just begun his first year at Oxford (braniac say what) and we are closer than ever, literally love him to pieces. Mum is getting steadily worse, her MS is starting to become more noticeable as she tires very quickly now and walks with a slight limp. Things are looking up though as she has just secured early retirement on medical grounds which will hopefully remove a lot of stress for her. Dad is doing good, working part time if that and helping round the house - he now has 3 signature meals he can cook!

All in all a bit of a whirlwind year and a half. Life has flown by and there have been some pretty shitty times, times I’ve felt like the worst person on the planet and I wouldn’t have made it through that without my rugby gals or house gals. However I’d say that things are steadily on their way up, I’m actually quite happy right now and I’m excited about life and all the unknowns around the corner. Here’s to the next chapter of my life!

As always, in the words of Francois Rabelais: “I go to seek a great perhaps.”

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I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.

Theodore Isaac Rubin (via wordsnquotes)

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Lanterns by (Simon Paris)

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no other person on this planet was made for you, they were made for themselves. love is all about choices. no one is going to be perfect for you, and i think we need to stop raising everyone on the belief that someone out there, just one other person in the whole world, was “made for you” because it isn’t true. no one is made for you, besides you. other people belong to themselves. if you want to make it work with someone, it’s about hard work, understanding, compassion, communication, and choice

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F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned (via books-n-quotes)

It’s been very rare to have known you, very strange and wonderful.

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And never have I felt so deeply at one and, at the same time, so detached from myself, and so present in the world.

Albert Camus (via wordsnquotes)