chronic-ed

[chronic-ed]

If Monster Drink was a character

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ALANI NU CHERRY TWIST

"BUT WAIT," YOU MAY ASK, "DIDN'T YOU ALREADY DO THE ALANI CHERRY ONE?" WELL, THAT WAS CHERRY SLUSH. THIS IS CHERRY TWIST. WHAT'S THE TWIST? APPARENTLY LIME, IF THE ART ON THE CAN IS ANYTHING TO GO BY. BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO BE SURE SMELLS LIKE A PITCHER OF FRUIT PUNCH MADE FROM A CAN OF MINUTE MAID FRUIT PUNCH CONCENTRATE. WHICH IS ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOOD START. I LIKE THE CONCEPT OF THE FLAVOUR AND I LIKE THE SMELL, SO NOW IT'S JUST TO SEE IF THE TASTE IS DECENT MY FIRST FEW SIPS WERE CHARACTERIZED BY A TASTE THAT I CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS SOMETHING LIKE A SULFUROUS, ACIDIC BURP. THIS FADES AFTER A FEW SIPS. CERTAINLY A BAD OPENING, BUT I WON'T WRITE THE WHOLE THING OFF FOR THAT IT DOES ACTUALLY START TASTING GOOD AFTERWARDS. THE LIME GIVES IT THE BRIGHT, SHARP FLAVOUR YOU WANT OUTTA CITRUS, WHICH PAIRS WELL WITH THE CHERRY. ALTHOUGH I WOULD SAY THE CHERRY IS VAGUE ENOUGH THAT IT COULD PASS FOR GENERIC FRUIT PUNCH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S NECESSARILY BAD IN TERMS OF TASTE THOUGH WHILE THE LIME DOES HAVE THAT SORTA TARTNESS YOU WANT NAILED DOWN, THE REST OF THE DRINK TASTES SLIGHTLY DULLER THAN I'D LIKE. IF IT WAS 10-20% MORE INTENSE, IT WOULD BE CLOSER TO IDEAL OVERALL, IF YOU PUT ASIDE THE FIRST FEW SIPS WHICH ARE FRANKLY PRETTY BAD, THIS IS DECENT. AND DECENT IS PRETTY GOOD FOR ALANI, AS FAR AS MY EXPERIENCE GOES 6/10

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TOXIC WASTE ENERGY WATERMELON

IF YOU ARE ANYTHING LIKE ME, YOUR IMMEDIATE REACTION IS "WHAT THE FUCK, TOXIC WASTE MAKES ENERGY DRINKS?" LO AND BEHOLD, THEY DO. IN AT LEAST TWO FLAVOURS, TOO. I THINK THE OTHER ONE WAS CHERRY, BUT I DIDN'T GET IT, AND I HAVE ONLY SEEN THIS STUFF STOCKED AT ONE STORE THAT I DO NOT GO TO FREQUENTLY. SO I PROBABLY WON'T TRY ANY OTHER FLAVOURS ANY TIME SOON IT SMELLS LIKE WATERMELON CANDY. NOT A GOOD WATERMELON CANDY, MIND: LIKE A CHEAP SHITTY HARD CANDY TRYING TO BE WATERMELON. MEANING IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'D EXPECT FROM A TOXIC WASTE ENERGY DRINK SO FAR. IT IS NOT IMMEDIATELY OFFENSIVE, IN SPITE OF THAT EARLIER DESCRIPTION. THE OPPORTUNITY TO DISAPPOINT IS LEFT UP TO THE TASTE WELL THAT'S FUCKING WEIRD. IT FACES THE SAME PROBLEM AS WARHEADS SODA, ANOTHER CANDY-BASED DRINK I'VE TRIED, WHERE THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A LIQUID AND A HARD CANDY MEAN IT DOESN'T WORK THE SAME. YOU CAN'T PHYSICALLY SEPARATE THE SOURNESS FROM THE SWEETNESS LIKE YOU CAN WITH A SOLID CANDY, SO IT ALL MINGLES TOGETHER, WHICH DULLS THE SOURNESS AND JUST LEAVES IT SORTA INEFFECTUAL BUT WHILE THE SOURNESS IS NOT INTENSE, IT DOES STICK TO YOUR TONGUE. SO I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE TASTE OF CHEAP, MILDLY SOUR CANDY CLINGING TO THE BACK OF YOUR TONGUE, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET WORSE STILL, IT'S VERY SLIGHTLY THICK. I HAD TO MAKE SURE I WASN'T IMAGINING IT, SO I WENT AND SOLICITED ANOTHER PERSON'S OPINION AND, SURE ENOUGH, IT HAS A VISCOSITY TO IT. THAT IS BAD. I DON'T REALLY NEED TO EXPLAIN ANY FURTHER THAN THAT, I DON'T THINK. I DON'T WANT A THICK ENERGY DRINK. THE INGREDIENTS LIST "MODIFIED WAXY MAIZE STARCH," SO NOT MUCH WONDER AS TO WHERE THAT THICKNESS EMERGES FROM BUT ALL OF THAT ASIDE, DOES IT TASTE LIKE WATERMELON? I MEAN, KINDA. IT TASTES AS MUCH LIKE WATERMELON AS IT SMELLS, WHICH IS TO SAY, A CHEAP CANDY IMITATION. I DON'T THINK IT'S UNRECOGNIZABLE AS WATERMELON, EVEN IF IT ISN'T GOOD WATERMELON MY FINAL VERDICT IS THAT CANDY BASED DRINKS ARE ~80% BAD AND DRINKS BASED ON SPECIFIC BRANDS OF CANDY ARE 99% BAD. THIS IS NO EXCEPTION. HOWEVER, THE MANUFACTURER APPEARS TO HAVE PUT IN A DECENT EFFORT TO MAKE A DRINK THAT TASTES LIKE WHAT YOU'D IMAGINE A MELTED DOWN TOXIC WASTE CANDY WOULD TASTE LIKE THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS THAT IT ISN'T A VERY GOOD CONCEPT FOR AN ENERGY DRINK IF YOU AREN'T ALREADY A BIG FAN OF TOXIC WASTE CANDY. ONLY GET THIS ONE IF YOU'RE THROWING THOSE THINGS BACK LIKE IT'S GOING OUT OF STYLE 3.5/10

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MARSHMALLOW BANANA ICE CREAM

DO YOU WANT TO MAKE ICE CREAM BUT YOU DON'T HAVE AN ICE CREAM MAKER AND ALSO YOU DON'T HAVE CREAM AND ALSO YOU WANT IT TO BE MARSHMALLOW BANANA FLAVOURED WELL HERE IS HOW I ACHIEVED THAT GOAL. THIS IS NOT AT ALL ENERGY DRINK RELATED BUT IT'S P. GUD INGREDIENTS 4 EGG YOLKS 1/4 TSP SALT 2 1/3 CUPS MILK 2/3 CUP BUTTER † 1 BAG MARSHMALLOW BANANAS (150G) * 3 TBSP SUGAR* 1/4 CUP SUGAR

† UNSALTED BUTTER WOULD PROBABLY GIVE YOU THE BEST RESULTS BUT I USE SALTED, FOR THE SAME REASONS THAT I'M NOT USING CREAM AND NOT BUYING AN ICE CREAM MAKER * THE BAG AND THE 3 TBSP OF SUGAR SHOULD ADD UP TO ABOUT 115G OF SUGAR. IF YOU HAVE A DIFFERENTLY SIZED BAG, USE THE NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION ON YOUR BAG OF MARSHMALLOW BANANAS TO CALCULATE THIS

STEP 1: COMBINE MILK, BUTTER, MARSHMALLOW BANANAS, 3 TBSP OF SUGAR, AND SALT IN A POT

PUT IT OVER MEDIUM HEAT, STIRRING OCCASIONALLY, UNTIL MARSHMALLOWS ARE DISSOLVED, OR AT LEAST SHRUNK TO AROUND THE SIZE OF MINI MARSHMALLOWS

STEP 2: IN A SEPARATE BOWL, WHISK EGG YOLKS AND 1/4 CUP SUGAR

SLOWLY LADLE IN ABOUT A THIRD OF YOUR HOT MILK MIXTURE INTO THE YOLK BOWL, MIXING IN CONSTANTLY, THEN DUMP EVERYTHING INTO THE SAUCEPAN STEP 3: CONTINUE COOKING THE MIXTURE OVER MEDIUM HEAT, STIRRING CONSTANTLY, UNTIL YOU HIT ABOUT 175F. YOUR MARSHMALLOWS SHOULD BE DISSOLVED AT THIS POINT

STEP 4: PLUNGE YOUR SAUCEPAN INTO A SINK FULL OF COLD WATER. CONTINUOUSLY STIR IT UNTIL IT'S COOL ENOUGH THAT YOU CAN POKE YOUR FINGER IN THE MIX WITHOUT GOING "YOWWWW"

STEP 5: POUR EVERYTHING INTO A FREEZER BAG (OR A TUPPERWARE CONTAINER OR AN ICE CUBE MOLD OR WHATEVER YOU GOT) AND STICK IT IN THE FREEZER OVERNIGHT

STEP 6: BREAK YOUR FROZEN MIX UP INTO CHUNKS AND DUMP IT IN THE BLENDER. THEN, PULSE IT ON CRUSHED ICE MODE, PUSHING IT DOWN AS YOU NEED TO, UNTIL IT'S GOT A SOFT SERVE-LIKE CONSISTENCY. I HAD TO DO IT IN ABOUT THREE BATCHES BECAUSE THE CHUNKS ON TOP WEREN'T GETTING DOWN TO THE BLADES

THEN JUST SCOOP IT INTO WHATEVER CONTAINER YOU'D LIKE TO KEEP YOUR ICE CREAM IN AND YOU'RE DONE. IT TASTES LIKE MARSHMALLOW BANANA, AND THE MARSHMALLOWNESS GIVES IT A VERY SMOOTH AND PLEASANT TEXTURE AS FAR AS ICE CREAM MADE WITHOUT CREAM AND WITHOUT AN ICE CREAM MAKER GOES (SOMETHING WHICH I'VE DONE ON A FEW OCCASIONS BECAUSE FUCK BUYING CREAM AND FUCK BUYING AN ICE CREAM MACHINE)

[chronic-ed]

Made Pancakes :3

Used a cheap energy drink and instant coffee for the batter

Added some banana and nuts into them to make them more fun

Also made a sweet cream to go on top

[chronic-ed]

CELSIUS ENERGY SPARKLING WATERMELON LEMONADE

THIS ONE SOMEHOW AVOIDS SMELLING LIKE WATERMELON OR LEMONADE, AND INSTEAD SMELLS FAINTLY OF CHERRY IT TASTES MORE LIKE WATERMELON THAN IT SMELLS. IN PARTICULAR, IT TASTES A BIT LIKE ONE OF THOSE GUMMY WATERMELON CANDIES, THOUGH NOT AS STRONGLY AS ACTUALLY EATING ONE. INCLUDING THE HINT OF SOURNESS, WHICH MUST STEM FROM THEM TRYING TO DO LEMONADE AT THE SAME TIME

BUT WHILE THOSE CANDIES, LIKE MOST SOUR CANDIES, HAVE A STRONG SWEETNESS TO COUNTER AND COMPLEMENT THAT SOURNESS, THIS CELSIUS DOESN'T HAVE THAT AS MUCH. THEY'VE GOT A MILD BIT OF ARTIFICIAL SWEETNESS TO COMPLEMENT THE MILD BIT OF SOURNESS THAT PAIRED WITH ALL THE FLAVOUR ODDITIES THAT YOU NATURALLY GET WHEN TRYING TO JAM A BEVERAGE FULL OF ENERGIZING CHEMICALS AND ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS JUST LEAVES IT TASTING KINDA WEIRD. NOT WEIRD ENOUGH TO BE ACTIVELY BAD, BUT WEIRD ENOUGH THAT IT'S NOT PARTICULARLY PLEASANT. IT'S GOT "KINDA GOOD" AND "KINDA BAD" IN SUCH PERFECT BALANCE THAT IT WINDS UP BEING PERFECTLY MIDDLE OF THE ROAD 5/10

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ROCKSTAR ZERO SILVER ICE

FOR SOME REASON THEY ONLY HAVE THIS ROCKSTAR FLAVOUR IN STOCK AT THE DOLLAR STORE NEAR ME, AS FAR AS I CAN TELL. I'VE CERTAINLY NEVER SEEN IT AT ANY OF THE SUPERMARKETS SMELLS OF GRAPEFRUIT. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THIS FLAVOUR WAS INTENDED TO BE WHILE GRABBING IT, BUT SEARCHING FOR AN IMAGE OF THE CAN DID LEAD ME TO SEEING MENTIONS OF GRAPEFRUIT. SO THEY SEEM TO HAVE GOT THAT DOWN YEP, THERE'S ERYTHRITOL ALRIGHT. I TOOK A SIP AND WONDERED WHY IT HAD NOTES OF SULFUROUS BURP, AND UPON LOOKING AT THE INGREDIENTS, SURE ENOUGH, THERE IT WAS IT'S VERY MUCH AN AFTERTASTE. WHILE YOU'RE ACTUALLY TAKING THE SIP, IT TASTES FINE--PRETTY GOOD, EVEN. IT'S MORE OR LESS WHAT I WOULD WANT WHITE MONSTER TO BE, IN AN IDEAL WORLD. BUT THE AFTERTASTE REALLY PUTS A DAMPER ON ANY ENJOYMENT THANKFULLY, THAT TASTE BECOMES LESS NOTICEABLE THE MORE YOU DRINK IT IN PRETTY SHORT ORDER, SO IT WINDS UP BEING PRETTY DECENT. SUCH SEEMS TO BE THE WAY OF ERYTHRITOL: IT SUCKS UP FRONT, BUT SO LONG AS IT DOESN'T SUCK SUPER BAD, ITS SHITTINESS FADES OVERALL, BAD START THAT EVENTUALLY LEADS INTO WHAT TASTES LIKE WHITE MONSTER 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO, WHICH TURNS OUT TO BE RATHER ALRIGHT 6/10

[chronic-ed]

As an energy drink reviewer you simply have to force yourself to learn to enjoy maté or else you can't be taken seriously as an authority on the matter

MY THOUGHTS ON GRAPEFRUIT MANA DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT MY VIEWS ON ALL MATE. HOWEVER, IF ALL MATE TASTES LIKE SWEET PICKLES AND BITTER LIKE GRAPEFRUIT MANA DID, THEN MATE CAN FUCK OFF

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MANA YERBA MATE GRAPEFRUIT

THIS IS YERBA MATE, WHICH I CAN'T REMEMBER IF I'VE EVER DRANK, SO BEAR WITH ME AS I APPROACH YERBA MATE WITH THE SAME IGNORANCE AS I DO GUAVA. BUT I HAD A GOOD IMPRESSION OF OOYA, WHICH IS THE SAME SORT OF WEIRD PLANT-TYPE ENERGY DRINK, SO I'VE GOT HIGH HOPES

SMELLS PLEASANTLY PLANT-Y, LIKE GREEN TEA OR SOME SUCH. MAYBE A HINT OF GRAPEFRUIT THERE, BUT IT'S NOT VERY FORWARD AMONGST THE HERBAL TYPE SMELL. DOES STILL REMIND ME OF OOYA A BIT, WHICH IS GOOD

I TOOK ONE SIP AND INSTANTLY WENT "THIS TASTES LIKE A PICKLE." VERY WEIRD FLAVOUR THAT IS DISAPPOINTING ME AFTER THAT BEAUTIFUL SMELL. GRAPEFRUIT IS OUT TO LUNCH, NOT TO BE SEEN OR TASTED HERE. ALL YOU GET IS WEIRD EARTHY PLANT FLAVOUR WITH A TANGINESS THAT SOMEHOW COMBINES TO CREATE THE EFFECT OF BITING INTO A PICKLE

I HAVE FOISTED IT ON TWO OTHERS TO GET THEIR OPINIONS, AND THEY HAVE CALLED IT MOSTLY DRY AND BITTER, A TOUCH SOUR. ONE COMPARED IT TO A VERY DRY WINE. NEITHER AGREED WITH MY PICKLE ASSESSMENT, BUT THAT IS HOW IT RINGS TO ME, SO I'M GOING TO MAINTAIN THAT VIEWPOINT. BUT MORE LIKE A SWEET PICKLE THAN SOMETHING LIKE A DILL. HOWEVER, ALL THREE OF US AGREED THAT IT DOES NOT TASTE ANYTHING LIKE GRAPEFRUIT

3.5/10. BITTER SWEET PICKLE IS NOT AN ENJOYABLE FLAVOUR FOR AN ENERGY DRINK. IT MIGHT'VE GOTTEN A 4 IF IT WERE LESS BITTER

[chronic-ed]

ROCKSTAR BLACKBERRY BLITZ

FULL SUGAR, ACTUAL SPECIFIC BERRY FLAVOUR INSTEAD OF THE DREADED MIXED OR WILDBERRY, PLUS ROCKSTAR IS A DECENT BRAND. THIS ONE IS PROBABLY GONNA BE AT LEAST A 7 SMELLS OF BLACKBERRY. NOT A GREAT BLACKBERRY, SORTA PALTRY AND ARTIFICIAL, BUT SOMETIMES IT'S JUST SMELLZ AND IT TASTES FINE, WHICH I FIGURE IS GONNA HAPPEN HERE HMM. FLAVOUR IS A BIT VAGUE. I GUESS I WAS EXPECTING A STRONGER, ALMOST TART BLACKBERRY FLAVOUR, BUT THIS I COULD ALMOST MISTAKE FOR GRAPE. DOESN'T TASTE BAD, STILL HAS A GOOD SWEETNESS AND DISTINGUISHABLE BERRY TASTE, JUST NOT HARD-HITTING BLACKBERRY LIKE I'D BEEN HOPING FOR THEN AGAIN, THAT SORT OF THING ISN'T EXACTLY OUT OF ROCKSTAR'S WHEELHOUSE. THE WHOLE "FLAVOUR THAT'S GOOD BUT NOT QUITE WHAT YOU'D EXPECT" KIND OF THING. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I GOT FROM PINEAPPLE MIRAGE OVERALL, DECENT BERRY DRINK, BUT NOT MUCH MORE, GIVEN IT'S NOT STRONG ON THE BLACKBERRY. THINK OF IT ACCORDINGLY: YOU'RE JUST GETTING BERRY HERE, CROSS OUT THE "BLACK" PART IN THE FLAVOUR NAME MENTALLY 6.5/10

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GREENHOUSE SMART + ENERGY ORGANIC WELLNESS SHOT

THIS ISN'T REALLY AN ENERGY DRINK, BUT IT HAD ENERGY ON THE FRONT SO I GOT IT ANYWAY, BECAUSE FUCK IT WHY NOT SMELLS LIKE BERRY, BUT IN AN ODD WAY. I'M A BIT CONGESTED AT THE MOMENT SO IT'S HARD TO BE INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC, BUT I GUESS IF YOU MOVED YOUR IDEA OF MIXED BERRY 3% TOWARDS POMEGRANATE MOLASSES, IT WOULD SMELL KINDA LIKE THAT TASTES LIKE BERRY AND BITTER. THE BENEFIT OF IT BEING ORGANIC IS THAT YOU AREN'T GONNA HAVE THAT ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER TASTE AT PLAY LIKE YOU WOULD WITH AN ENERGY DRINK, BECAUSE THIS IS ALL PLANTS OR WHATEVER, BUT AGAIN, PRETTY BITTER. THERE'S A REASON THE BOTTLE SAYS SHOOT OR DILUTE, YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANNA BE SIPPING THIS SHOCKINGLY ENOUGH, THOUGH, IT'S NOT AS BITTER AS OTHER ENERGY DRINKS I'VE HAD. NAMELY, TROPICAL GURU. I WOULD GENUINELY DRINK A WHOLE CAN OF THIS BERRY STUFF RATHER THAN THE SAME AMOUNT OF TROPICAL GURU, AND THIS STUFF IS MEANT TO BE DILUTED IF YOU'RE GONNA BE SIPPING IT THE MORE I SIP IT, THE MORE THE BITTERNESS SEEMS TOLERABLE--NOT ABSENT, ALWAYS PRESENT, BUT YOU CAN KINDA TAKE IT ON THE CHIN. AND THE REST OF IT JUST TASTES LIKE A WEIRD JUICE BLEND, WHICH ISN'T UNPLEASANT, AND IT CAN'T OVERSTAY IT'S WELCOME BECAUSE THE BOTTLE IS ONLY 60ML I WAS DOING THIS ON A LARK AND WASN'T INTENDING ON RATING IT AS AN ACTUAL ENERGY DRINK, SINCE IT'S A WELLNESS SHOT, BUT IT'S DRINKABLE ENOUGH THAT I'LL THROW A NUMBER ON IT ANYWAY. IT'S A UNIQUE FLAVOUR THAT'S INTERESTING ENOUGH TO ENJOY FOR THE SMALL AMOUNT YOU'RE GIVEN, AND NOT SO BITTER THAT IT'S REPULSIVE. THAT'S A 6, RIGHT THERE. IF THERE WERE MORE OF IT, IT WOULD PROBABLY BE LOWER, BUT THERE'S JUST ENOUGH TO KEEP IT PLEASANT 6/10

[chronic-ed]

I LIKE TO LOOK AT THE COMMUNITIES UNDER #ENERGY DRINK THAT ARE CLEARLY MADE BY BOTS, SOMETIMES THEY REALLY MAKE YOU THINK

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SPARKLING ICE + CAFFEINE BLUE RASPBERRY

I'M ALREADY IRRITABLE AND THIS DRINK SMELLS LIKE IT'S GONNA SUCK, SO THAT PROBABLY ISN'T GOING TO BOLSTER ITS SCORE. IT SMELLS DISTINCTLY CHEAP AND ARTIFICIAL. IT INITIALLY TASTES ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE A BLUE FREEZIE, WHICH IS BETTER THAN THE SMELL HAD LED ME TO BELIEVE

BUT THE TASTE IMMEDIATELY FALLS OFF BEFORE YOU'VE EVEN MANAGED TO SWALLOW IT. BY THE TIME YOU HAVE SWALLOWED IT, THERE IS BARELY ANY AFTERTASTE, WHICH I S'POSE IS TECHNICALLY A GOOD THING, BUT ALSO SPEAKS TOWARDS THE FLAVOUR BEING VERY LIGHT AND FLEETING I GUESS IN COMPARISON TO THE OTHER WAY THIS COULD'VE TURNED OUT--THAT BEING CLOYINGLY SWEET WITH A FLAVOUR THAT LINGERS AROUND YOUR MOUTH FOR AGES--THIS IS PROBABLY THE BETTER OUTCOME. PLUS, IT'S GOING FOR THE SPARKLING WATER ANGLE, SO A LESS INTENSE FLAVOUR IS TO BE EXPECTED OVERALL, NOT GIVING BUBLY OR PERRIER A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY, BUT IT HAS CAFFEINE, IT'S LIGHT, AND IT'S EASY ENOUGH TO THROW BACK. PROBABLY MORE ENJOYABLE IF YOU ARE A BIGGER FAN OF BLUE RASPBERRY 6/10

[chronic-ed]

TIMS INFUSR ZERO ORANGE CITRUS

UH OHHHHHHH. IT'S ZERO SUGAR. NORMALLY, THIS WOULD NOT BE WORTHY OF AN UH OH, BUT EVERY OTHER TIMS INFUSR DRINK HAS BEEN SWEETENING ITSELF WITH FRUIT JUICE. THEY CAN'T DO THAT HERE. AND ALSO, THE INGREDIENTS LIST HAS SHIT LIKE PAPRIKA EXTRACT, ROSEMARY EXTRACT, AND QUILLAIA EXTRACT IT SMELLS PRETTY ORANGE, THOUGH, SO HEY, MAYBE IT WON'T BE THAT BAD AFTER ALL UH OH. THIS STUFF TASTES FUCKED. IT SMELLS LIKE ORANGE, BUT IT TASTES LIKE FIFTEEN DIFFERENT SUBSTANCES AT PLAY TRYING IN TANDEM TO CONVINCE ME IT'S ORANGE, AND THEY'RE ALL STRAINING DESPERATELY AGAINST EACH OTHER, BARELY FORCED INTO PLACE. IT TASTES LIKE ORANGE THAT'S DESPERATELY TRYING TO KEEP IT TOGETHER. IT ALSO HAS A VERY SHARP AND UNPLEASANT NOTE TO IT ON EVERY SIP IT DOESN'T REALLY GET BETTER AS YOU KEEP SIPPING IT. I GUESS THE TASTE BECOMES MORE BEARABLE, BUT THE AFTERTASTE IS KIND OF A LINGERING ORANGE THAT SITS IN YOUR MOUTH AND MAKES YOU NOT WANT ANY MORE ORANGE, LIKE YOU'VE JUST HAD SO MUCH ORANGE THAT YOU DON'T WANT ANY MORE OF IT EVER, EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE ONLY DRANK A BIT OF THE CAN OH, I KNOW WHAT I CAN COMPARE THIS TO: TAKE A BITE OUT OF A CLEMENTINE. NOT JUST THE FRUIT, THE PEEL TOO, EVERYTHING. IMAGINE THAT, BUT LINGERING FOR EVEN LONGER. IT'S KIND OF LIKE THAT, EXCEPT SOMEHOW LESS PLEASANT I DON'T KNOW IF I EVEN WANT TO FINISH THIS. I THINK I ACTUALLY FEEL A LITTLE QUEASY CONTINUING TO DRINK IT. I'M JUST GOING TO DUMP IT DOWN THE SINK. PLEASE STOP IT, TIMS 2/10

[chronic-ed]

TIMS INFUSR MANGO STARFRUIT

I DON'T KNOW WHAT A STARFRUIT TASTES OR SMELLS LIKE. HOWEVER, ASSUMING THEY'VE ACCURATELY CAPTURED IT HERE, IT DOESN'T SMELL VERY GOOD, OR AT LEAST NOT ALONGSIDE MANGO, BECAUSE THIS SMELLS LIKE A REALLY WEIRD MANGO IN A WAY THAT ISN'T PARTICULARLY APPEALING IT ALSO TASTES LIKE A REALLY WEIRD MANGO, ALMOST SLIGHTLY SOUR. IF I BIT INTO A MANGO AND IT TASTED LIKE THIS, I'D PROBABLY EAT HALF OF IT AND THROW THE REST AWAY. SO, AS FAR AS FLAVOUR GOES, SET YOUR EXPECTATIONS AT "WEIRD JUICE BLEND THAT YOU'D TRY ONCE AND THEN NEVER GET AGAIN," BECAUSE THAT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT IT IS AND I'M ALSO GONNA PEEK AT THE INGREDIENTS AGAIN AND NOTE THAT THERE IS AGAIN NO MANGO OR STARFRUIT. NOW, THAT I EXPECTED. WHAT BAFFLES ME HERE IS THAT, IN ADDITION TO THE APPLE JUICE THAT WAS PRESENT IN THE LAST ONE, THERE IS NOW ALSO ORANGE JUICE AND ACEROLA JUICE THE APPLE JUICE I UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE IT'S A NEUTRAL FRUIT FLAVOUR USED FOR SWEETENING. WHY IS THERE ORANGE JUICE? WHAT THE FUCK IS AN ACEROLA? WHY IS TIMS WILLING TO GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO GET WHATEVER THE HELL AN ACEROLA IS INSTEAD OF PUTTING EITHER OF THE FRUIT THAT THE DRINK IS FLAVOURED AFTER INTO THE ACTUAL DRINK? TIMS INFUSR REMAINS AS BAFFLING AS LAST TIME, ONLY THIS TIME IT DOESN'T TASTE AS GOOD 5.5/10

[chronic-ed]

TIMS INFUSR BLACKBERRY YUZU

HELL YEAH, NEW BRAND. I FOUND A GIFT CARD FOR TIM HORTONS FROM ~2018 WITH LITERALLY EXACTLY ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY 3 FLAVOURS OF INFUSR, SO I'M GONNA TRY 'EM OUT, STARTING WITH THIS ONE SMELLS SLIGHTLY ODD, ALMOST LIKE FERMENTED GRAPE. I AM NOTICING THAT THE INGREDIENTS CONTAIN NO BLACKBERRY OR YUZU, BUT DO CONTAIN APPLE JUICE TASTES LIKE A MILD GRAPE. IF YOU MIXED APPLE JUICE AND GRAPE JUICE, IT WOULD PROBABLY WIND UP TASTING A LOT LIKE THIS. NOT NECESSARILY BAD, BUT DOESN'T SCREAM BLACKBERRY OR YUZU TO ME I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHO THE TARGET AUDIENCE FOR THIS IS. IF YOU WANT BLACKBERRY YUZU, IT DOESN'T ESPECIALLY TASTE LIKE THAT. IF YOU WANT ENERGY, IT'S ONLY 80MG OF CAFFEINE, YOU COULD DEFINITELY GET MORE BANG FOR YOUR BUCK WITH ANY OTHER ENERGY DRINK--OR, YOU KNOW, A COFFEE. A COFFEE FROM TIM HORTONS, THE PLACE YOU'D BUY THIS FROM. IF YOU WANT JUICE, YOU CAN JUST BUY REGULAR JUICE FROM THERE, TOO. IF YOU WANT A BLACKBERRY YUZU SPARKLING QUENCHER, AGAIN, YOU CAN LITERALLY BUY THAT FROM TIM HORTONS BUT IT ISN'T BAD. IT JUST SEEMS TO FILL A NICHE THAT DOESN'T REALLY EXIST. IF YOU WANT A SPARKLING JUICE TYPE BEVERAGE WITH A BIT OF CAFFEINE IN IT, WELL, HERE YOU GO. JUST DON'T HANG YOUR HOPES ON THE WHOLE BLACKBERRY YUZU THING, BECAUSE IT'S NOT A VERY STRONG FLAVOUR 6.5/10 IN GENERAL, 4/10 AS A BLACKBERRY YUZU FLAVOUR SPECIFICALLY

[chronic-ed]

SPARKLING ICE + CAFFEINE CITRUS TWIST

SMELLS LIKE CITRUS. TASTES ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE DIET 7-UP. I WISH I COULD GIVE A MORE THOROUGH BREAKDOWN OF THIS ONE, BUT THAT'S LITERALLY ALL I'VE GOT, THIS ONE IS VERY, VERY STRAIGHTFORWARD. IF YOU ENJOY 7-UP, OR SPRITE, OR ANY OTHER SIMILAR DRINK, YOU'LL PROBABLY LIKE THIS ONE 7/10. THE 7 IS FOR 7-UP. IT TASTES LIKE 7-UP