chronologicalchaos-blog

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i dont think bro and i will have made up by christmas

cant really tell whos more pissed either

him or me

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oh my fucking shit im sorry????

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i really do want to start smoking

i want a fucking cigarette i want the rush id like that second where i cant breathe and its still bliss that twist in your mind when you take in something you shouldnt and everything evens out and the chaos ebbs for just one fucking second since i started working clubs ive been wanting to pick up smoking, i keep getting surrounded by fuckers who do sometimes back when id be snogging bitches in backalleys or whatever i could taste the ash and it was fucking disgusting and i still wanted it it drives me fucking nuts this whole apartment smells like smoke and nicotine and i cant go through a single room without seeing a stray back or an unfinished stick and thats not even the lighters man. its a nasty trap of temptation shes got alcohol in the cupboards and fridge and freezer too no one would stop me no one would give me one of those looks

caffeine isnt cutting it these days i want more but im not really gonna do dickall about it it wouldnt be good for me, so eridan wouldnt have any of that shit .... ugh

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im completely done in every conceivable way

i scared off john on day two

i havent seen my boyfriend around yet

it took me less than two hours to start arguing with ampora

my bros apparently an abusive fuck and everyone agrees but me

im just

what the fuck am i even supposed to do with this shit

maybe i shouldve stayed away this is stupid

i dont need a life anyway

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"when you walk my way i feel the rush come over me a sharp panic panic its the things you say that makes a rush come over me it happens all the time i was never too good at following rules nah nah im better just pretending i was the fool all day all night i got the lights in my eyes and im falling for you keep cool stay tough but thats never enough and these are the lessons in love all day all night i got the lights in my eyes and im falling for you keep cool stay young im just having my fun with the lessons in love if i walk away i feel a push inside of me that wont let me leave but what could i say??? for you to feel whats inside of me this happens all the time i never was too good at following rules nah nah im better just pretending i was the fool (get me out) all day all night i got the lights in my eyes and im falling for you keep cool stay tough but thats never enough and these are the lessons in love all day all night i got the lights in my eyes and im falling for you keep cool stay young im just having my fun with the lessons in love im only lonely when the lights are on i want the same rush over and over and over and over and overrrrr"

heres one for you too

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if i never stopped cuddling him

or laying on him or being near him well thatd be ok

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john im going to punch you SO hard

omfg

cutie

youre lucky ive got rehearsal today

(maybe ill snag you and you can tag along when were a little further along in the memorization process??? unless youd rather wait for the actual performance haha)

...

youre the best man

you better not have touched my cameras though

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all my life ive spent hoping i could give someone such devotion

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john come cuddle me

i miss you already but im too tired for sitting

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remember before my main concern was that i was loved and didnt know how to handle it???

me too i think it was like yesterday or the day before or maybe all of history before that i think thats a good sign

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dear dave,

hey. you mean so much to me, and i just love being with you and seeing you get awkward when i point out all those adorable things about you that you hate. because even if you hate them i love them! your accent, your lips…and just you as a person in general. you’re the fucking best, okay? don’t ever let any tell you otherwise because i’ll get my scrawny ass on them! hehe. but really, man….i love you. and i hope you always know that.

love, john. 

(p.s.: i can’t wait until the day you’re confident enough to say i love you back. no rush though. <3)

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baby im worried about you

i wish youd tell me whats wrong youll be ok well be ok

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Beautiful Quotes

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i was desperate i was weak i could not put up a fight where are you now??? where are you now??? do you ever think of me in the quiet in the crowd???

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im getting pretty sick of my own shit here

im thinking about it, and it generally runs like a fucking cycle. when i first get up im a wreck of drowsy dissent, and agitated exhaustion. youve probably seen that a lot now ampora, whenever were not busy rushing off, or kissing each others faces incessantly. i wake up, drag my tired ass to the bathroom, brush my teeth, shower, style my hair, and then drag myself, sometimes without bothering to get dressed again (when i dont have visitors) to the kitchen, where ill exude this rolling funk as i despondently force down breakfast.

after ive eaten though i steady out, i remember what the dicks going down, and all the little bullshit methods ive gotta be imploring to keep everything sorted. i do pretty good for most of the day, assuming i maintain this principle, and i dont ditch eating. and yeah ok, thats all fine, whatever.

but near the end of the day i start dragging again, and i get fucking incoherent, and spacey sometimes, distracted by that medley of static and memories and fears that sometimes creep up. i lose all my fake patience, and i get fucking horrid at thinking up decent responses to anyone without taking a demeaning stance on shit. like my options are lose out on several years of shining the strider gem and act like a total dick, or have basically nothing useful to say. and the chronological lapse tends to get so fucking bad, i start slipping up on a lot of the shit i started doing that keeps me from being totally insufferably pathetic.

i get im only human and all that shit, but seriously??? its staring to really grate on my nerves. maybe i just need to start going to bed earlier????