chunicorn

[chunicorn]

Christmas 2020

Whenever my brother and I had a fight w each other or w mom, it’d resolve in the same day. But once we had w dad, we stopped talking for god knows how long. My argument would always be “my mom and brother were sometimes present when I hit rock bottom. My dad had a chance to fix the broken bridge for 22 years and instead he did nothing. We always tolerated him being temperament, not anymore. So he doesn’t have the right to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do, let alone scolding me. I have lived for years without a father figure, I can do some more.”

When my father hit one of us, our territories were only my room, my brother’s, and our bathroom, the rest was his, like a boss he was. My brother always played substitute dad for me and my mom. He went out to buy groceries, he even once gave money to my mom bcs she didn’t get any from dad. Boy he was in middle school back then, and he had to bear the responsibility he shouldn’t have. He saw my mom getting hit since he was a little. He started having the instinct to protect my mom since he was 3. Knowing my way around kids, a 3 y.o knows no shit. But he had to learn it in very early stage. Damn. By acknowledging what he has been thru, his current demeanor is totally understandable. He becomes so protective of all the women in his life (his wife, my mom, and me). No one can “touch” us. Bcs he knows how hurt it is to see us hurt. A thing he tries to avoid so much, and he buries somewhere deep within his heart, somewhere. He grows to be someone so sensitive. He bears all the responsibilities, the scars, the past, the pain alone, while trying to stand up for us. With no place to express his vulnerability.

My mom, trying to live with guilt for what her kids have to go thru, all bcs she chose the wrong man. She knew what’s up ahead, she chose to marry him instead. She’s aware of the guy she married, my brother and I were clueless of how cruel our dad would be. She tries to sleep on it every single day, wishing the guilt will be gone the next day. But it always resurfaces, up to this very day. She tries to repel the harms that come to her kids. No matter how inevitable it sounds, she tries. She feels the urge to balance between the love she has for a man she lives with since she was 20 and protect her kids from the same man; a constant battle she has to put up with all her life. It must be difficult for her to know in order to love, she has to hurt. Her experience of love is far from flowers and butterflies. A tough love that is. One fatal mistake that costs her her whole life. Cleaning up after the mess of what her husband nonchalantly does. Little does she know the world offers her so much more than what her husband can provide, but she chooses to stick around, all in the name of love. With the strength she has left, she lives in the hell her husband created.

And then there’s me. I kept a safe distance from family, trying to figure out the world on my own. During my journey I found another version of the world I’ve never seen, along with the people in it. I knew my way around, how to handle things, how to treat others properly. Yet I thought, I thought, and I thought. I thought a lot I forgot to use my senses. I grew up as a technical person, utterly logical. Making decisions based on probabilities, pros and cons, and capabilities. Feelings were never on the table, and it’s way too late when I realized they were nowhere to be found. I had the journey alone, not that I had the choice, which costed me the ability to seek help. It made me a secretive, private, and overly independent person. I lived my life like a game without a walkthrough and I managed to be this far. So I became way too fearless and invincible. Until I met people along the way who kept me grounded. Up until now I can still barely feel. I also don’t see the perks of compromising my own comfort in order to retain others’ presences. When a situation puts me in a corner, I know way too well the world isn’t made of four walls, there’s gotta be an exit door, and that’s where I’m headed.

Sooo yeah, that’s the story of a mother trying to live with her guilt her whole life, a brother/son who does whatever it takes to protect his loved ones, and a heartless daughter/sister. Merry Christmas.

[chunicorn]

Afterlife

As an agnostic, I never have a vivid form of what afterlife looks like, if there’s any. Yet I believe God has shown me how it looked like. And I think I need to take notes to remember.

It was beautiful, like in the rooftop of a fancy apartment. If you have ancestors or relatives who pass away before you, they’ll greet you on the white intangible gate, but if you’re the first, you have to be the one who wait.

There are so many gardens and cafes and places to hangout. Everybody is pretty, clean, and somewhat shiny. They look so happy enjoying what they do. Sometimes they gather around and do stuffs together, making various circles with different activities.

In my case, I’ve greeted by an ancestor whose face I have never been aware of (I think it’s either my grandpa/ma from my mom). She insisted on waiting the others to come, so I walk alone afterwards. After getting thru the gate some of my friends from German class (dw they’re still alive now) showed me how to buy food there. We could order what we wanted, the staffs were also nice with cute brown uniform. I was so in awe I didn’t make time to order anything lol. I walked out and wandered. Every corner I visited were so exquisite, the colors were not too colorful, but enough to warm your heart.

Whether it is true or not, it is now what I perceive as the afterlife. It is mesmerizing and not scary at all. I do not believe in heaven and hell, there’s only one afterlife and that’s this one place worth to die for.

[chunicorn]

I always do believe if I hit the rock bottom I'll get back up and get something good in return. Two weeks ago I felt like my life was falling apart as no aspects in my life felt right. I asked to myself, "what's something so good that'd compensate all this this time?".

And then there’s him.

I just knew him for, in fact, a week. There are so many uncertainties in between. One thing I’m sure of is that however it might turn out, he’s the kind of man worth writing.

He’s the calm in my storm, his presence soothes me, and his touch is the thing I’m always longing for. No matter how insecure I am with men, he somehow manages to assure me that I’m in good hands; his. I want to be with him all the time, being alone together, kissing his lips relentlessly. He becomes my favorite person.

He is the definition of what I want. He’s smart, talkative, patient, touchy, and most important of it all, makes effort to show me how much he wants me.

Of course I am still scared of what’s up ahead. What if I go to Jakarta for good? what if I go to Germany next year? What if we’re unable to make time for each other? There are so many unanswered questions, or to be precise, the questions I’m scared to know the answers.

I mean I really like him a lot, I do. But to be in a relationship is to consider that person into every decision you make about your future. You can’t just leave without thinking how your relationship is going to be. And in fact, I don’t want to leave, not without him, yet somehow I have to. And that’s the reason why I’m scared to find out the truth.

I don’t know how this will end. I hope it is a good one, but that doesn’t mean I neglect the ugly possibilities. To be honest, I am not ready to have my heart broken up again. So I thought it’s better not to start at all rather than end up hurting. But I’m also scared that he’s too good to be missed, I don’t want to miss him and the opportunity either.

However this ends, I thank you for making me feel important while I feel otherwise. Thank you for being there in my worst days, and thank you for holding me while I’m down. Things would be much worse with you yet you make the most of it and I’m grateful for that, for you.

Please, don’t break it.

[chunicorn]

I might as well think of myself as a coward for not admitting that I am scared of love.

I have failed my previous relationship so badly.

It was so good, but I ruined it. These past few days I have been so naive to think that I might get back together with him. It would be vicious of me, after all the things I have done.

Now I’m scared that nobody is gonna fill the void. Nobody will accept me the way he did. I asked for it. I asked to break up.

I’m scared that I’m too damaged, too problematic to be loved.

There was once this one guy who loved me the way nobody did, and I failed him.

I’m scared that I might hurt this other person. I don’t want to see anybody hurt again because of me.

It always starts beautiful with all of the butterflies and all, until I crack. Always been like that. Until I open up with my mental issues and scars and being vulnerable even if I don’t want to.

I just want to be held up when I can no longer carry the weight alone. Sometimes it becomes bigger beyond my capability to the point where I can’t hold it anymore.

I do need someone, yet on the other hand I’m scared of hurting people anymore.

So I eat it all up, until I’m drained, fully drained I don’t have the energy to get me thru the day.

So I hold my feelings inside, with all of the will I have left, to not let it resurface.

[chunicorn]

07/17 Lembang

“How to handle something your heart can’t bear?” You ask yourself while puffing the cigarettes. Inhale. Exhale. You tell your pounding heart to be quiet, but instead it rebels and do otherwise.

Tell me how to undo all this, whatever, whichever, to make me feel better. Cause its bluer than the deepest see you’ve ever dived into. It is dark inside, and cold. So cold it makes you numb, yet hurt at the same time. The feeling’s there, always was, always will be.

You’re playing game yourself can’t control and when it overcomes you, there’s no such a thing as turning back.

Idiot.

But when you pass it, remember. This is the mental torment you came through.

You did it, fucking nailed it.

[chunicorn]

Elementary

These past few days I’ve been watching this series. Elementary. I feel the urge to write.

I feel like the main character, Sherlock, shares similar treats to me. I always feel independent and all, thinking I could solve everything by myself, while actually there are so many people in the background help me without me knowing.

On the other hand, once I feel someone could be my rock, I keep hanging onto this person. So far I haven’t relapsed not because of me, but because of this person. And I can’t keep being like this. I need to stop because of myself. But that’s not the case.

I am so self-absorbed to the point where I never think of his happiness. I need to let him go, to find his own happiness. Even if it means he has to detach himself.

Who says loving someone is easy, eh?

https://twitter.com/chairunicorn/status/1255835565464961032?s=20

[chunicorn]

I’m sorry, El. I can’t tell you this. I don’t have the heart to tell you which state I am now. Hurting you is  the least thing I want to do. I want to pour my heart to you but I don’t want to bring you down. I’m sorry. I love you.

[chunicorn]

Today I went to a shrink, which, to be honest, not really helpful. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I really want to cut the contact with my family but it seems so impossible because I need the paperwork from my folks if I want to move abroad, which is impossible. So going overseas is not an answer. I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do once I graduate if I don’t go abroad. I don’t wanna be here. I’d rather die than stuck in the same country with my parents. I want to cut them off. I just want to end it.

The only thing that keeps me alive is because of my friends and my boyfriend. I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want to be the reason behind someone else’s trauma. I don’t want them to feel guilty if I kill myself. But living like this hurts me more than being dead.

I don’t know to whom should I seek help. Everywhere is a dead end. I don’t know why I do what I do anymore. I’m helpless. There’s no point in helping me anymore because you can’t and I don’t want to.

What’s the purpose of living anymore if you feel like you’re dying?

[chunicorn]

Kamu.

Jujur saya tidak tahu harus mulai dari mana. Saya terlalu sedih untuk berkata apapun. Bukan, bukan karena kamu. Namun karena saya yang ternyata masih tidak bisa menerima kenyataan bahwasannya kamu tidak pernah menanggap saya sepenting itu selama 7 tahun kita mengenal satu sama lain.

Jujur saya benci sekali sama kamu. Karena perasaan saya tulus. Setelah yang kamu lakukan selama ini, saya masih menerima kamu. Kita masih berteman. Saya masih tetap mengangkat telepon kamu tengah malam hanya karena kamu melakukan hal bodoh seperti biasanya. Saya selalu ada untuk kamu. Bahkan ketika lingkungan kamu menuntutmu untuk menjadi seseorang yang bukan kamu, kamu punya saya di belakang.

Jujur saya bingung. Meskipun saya mengerti sebagian besar dari mixed signals yang kamu kirimkan ke saya, yang orang lain tidak akan mengerti, saya masih tidak akan pernah mengerti kamu. Saya tidak mengerti apakah kamu pernah mencintai saya, atau menganggap saya berharga? Terdapat sedikit rasa kepercayaan diri ketika kamu meminta bertemu seminggu lalu. Menyuruh saya berjanji untuk menemuimu. Dan meyakinkan saya bahwa kita masih akan bertemu lagi setelah ini, sebelum saya pergi jauh. Jauh sebelum kamu melakukan hal yang saya tidak ingin kamu untuk lakukan.

Jujur saya sedih harus kehilangan kamu. We grew up together, I even had a special nickname for you that you always remembered. Kita bagian dari hidup satu sama lain. Mungkin kamu tidak berfikir bahwa perbuatanmu berdampak permanen. Mungkin apabila saya adalah diri saya yang dulu, saya akan memaklumimu. Karena saya tahu kamu tidak pernah bisa mengelak ketertarikanmu pada saya, karena saya tahu masih ada tempat untuk saya yang tidak bisa digantikan oleh siapapun. Namun saya tidak bisa lagi mentolerir perbuatanmu. Saya sayang kamu dalam artian lain. Saya merasa kamu berharga. Saya sedih kehilangan kamu. Tapi saya harus meninggalkan kamu, dan tidak kembali.

[chunicorn]

I’ve had an identity crisis lately, I’m trying to figure out how to deal with my temper and it seems like every time I dig into it the more I got emotional bcs it reminds of how many people I hurt by my attitude. I get lost which leads me to leave it unresolved, always.

There was a time when I got shitloads of assignments and things at home weren’t right. I went batshit and reflected my anger on my boyfriend. He had his own shits as well as he worked abroad, was away from the loved ones, and surrounded by people he didn’t like. He also worked for half a day in a place without a direct sunlight, so you could imagine how shitty it was. He had enough. Then there was me.

He is a good man and I love him so much but instead I hurt him. He asked for a break. He said that it got out of hands and there was a little voice in his head questioning whether it’s worthy or not but he could never bring that up, not until it happened. Then it hit me. What if he wants to call it off for good, what if he never forgives me, what if he won’t give me any more chance? I’m deadass scared to lose him and I’m actually not prepared for it.

For fuck’s sake I want to get better. I don’t want to be like any of my family member with their anger issues. I don’t want to be like them. But it is in my blood, it runs through me. Getting rid of it is not that easy. I want to be a better woman for him, but it takes time. He deserves to be happy, so if he can’t bear it, I should let him go. He’s not responsible to fix me. So if the time comes and he says that he can’t go on, I totally get it. But I’m sure as hell it’ll shatter me tremendously.

[chunicorn]

On verge

I can't force you to stay. I get it as to why you are a quarter to fully think that this relationship isn't worth it.

You ask me to be myself while you require me to be patient of you. Those are things you can't put in a word.

It's quite confusing if you say we can't be in a fight because it'll cost you a lot of time and energy to be positive again. I'm not responsible to make you happy. So what should I do then? Sweep things under the rugs so you can feel alright? If it is, then tell me why your relationship with your ex didn't work out because that's what happened between you two.

You won't love me if I'm being who I am but if I stick with you, I lose myself in the process.

I don't know what to do, so I'll leave it up to you. I'd understand any decision you'll make once you break the silence.

One thing for sure, I love you now. You are the best thing that happens to me in the past few years. You bring the best in me and I'm the happiest when I'm with you I'm fucking sure of it and I swear to God deep, deep down, I don't want to lose you, ever.

But you deserve to be happy.

[chunicorn]

You won the argument, but you lost me.

[chunicorn]

Birthday wishes

Oct 4th 2019

Hi, babe.

I remember the first day we met when I just saw you as a mere talkative positive man. You made me comfortable enough to spend the night with you.

I also remember the day when I started feeling comfortable to have a call with you and talk about my problem (it was when I left my laptop in the airplane).

Then I drifted away, pushed you, decided to cut the contact, but I couldn't, because I was way too comfortable with your presence in my life already.

It all turned into me letting my guards down, liking you, loving you, to the extent of where I could talk about turds and farts with no shame😂

That was the thing about you.

Your presence is a blessing to each one of the people you met in your life. You bring the positive, calming vibes, which makes you loved. You are loved, I bet my ass I'm not the only one (look at the psycho tho she even had a hard time getting rid of you lol).

As for me, the only wishes I have are that you can stay healthy and nothing will go south. But I couldn't wish for anything related to your personality bcs it's already perfect + I don't want anything to change in you. Perhaps just maybe you can stop fucking things up by making stupid decision but ok I can handle that so far 😋

Once again happy birthday to you, the calm to my storm❤️

Sincerely,

Your girl.

P.s: Man you are old

[chunicorn]

Gratitude (Made by my bf)

What you said is the cherry on the pie on my birthday. Even if you weren't here I could feel your presence in my head caused by all the sweet things you gave and wrote to me. I admired you from the start but the longer I got to know you, reasons were added to the list (figuratively;) ) why I liked you. The morning after the first night you laid naked on my chest and you looked upwards with your big dark eyes and that look on your face that really mesmerized me, is the point from where couldn't let you go. A couple of months were a little unsure, but everything was confirmed after our trip to Thailand. I couldn't wish for more. It was an amazing, romantic, emotional, sexy, funny rollercoaster where we get ourselves into. You're a really vibrant person with fluctuating sky highs and really deep lows. This is a character difference, but a difference where we can really add something to each other. I try to slow you down and you can pull out all my emotions which makes me feel alive. I admire you a fucking lot as a person. You're so diligent and eager as it comes to your career and future. You're so sweet, kind and intense as it comes to our romantic relationship. Indeed we can talk about turds an farts and just being stupid and come up with stupid games. Babe..... the birthday cake and the film you made really touched me. Too sweet and beautiful to handle. And like I said yesterday; this beautiful personality and lovable character is wrapped up in a beautiful perfect body which I admire so much. Hopefully you see that yourself more and more. I hope I can make you realise that bit by bit to give it the love and attention it deserves. You're my sweet lovable ground squirrel babe.

Thank you for being my girlfriend❤❤❤xxxxxx

[chunicorn]

The moment when you realize you’re completely on your own.

If God takes my life in this very moment I think I’m fine with that

[chunicorn]

"I couldn't let you go" he said,

"I'm not gonna give up on us" I said.

[chunicorn]

Pre-dating

Hi E, we’ll meet in less than a month. First of all, I’d like to say thank you so much for working things out. Thank you for willing to take an 11hr flight to Thailand just to see me.

“If I meet you there’s a really big chance that I will fall in love with you” is what you said back then, few days before I cancelled it, which failed, and I went back into your arms.

Since I’m likely to come back to Indonesia as someone’s girlfriend, I want you to know that:

I’m actually scared. The last time I dated someone I thought it was an endgame but things went south. I don’t want to get married, nor get pregnant, nor have biological kids. I need you to understand that this is not a phase. I stopped imagining me in a white dress since God knows when. I’d love to live the rest of my life with you as a partner. Please know that I don’t want to get married because if someday, all of the things that you like about me the most become the ones you want to get rid of, you can leave whenever. You don’t need to fill the paper or go to the court just to see the face that you try to avoid. Of course, we already talked about this. I just want to make things clear.

I am so so so grateful of your presence. You stick through the hardest time of my college life. And I want you to stay, I would love to. Thank you for all of those sweet words. Thank you for telling me beautiful every single day. Thank you for giving me freedom as a woman, despite our status. I am lucky for having you around and I will never get tired of telling you that. You are precisely the guy that I ever dream of. I would never let go and I swear to God I will try my best not to fuck things up.

If I really go back to Indonesia as your girlfriend, I’m telling you that things are gonna get rougher from now on. But I’m not gonna give up on us. If the cause is not from us, I won’t back off. You have my words.

Looking forward to meet you.

x,

- G :)