cicecice

[cicecice]

The red string of fate

If two people are destined to meet, their paths will certainly cross one day. Whether they travel the world to find each other or hide to escape from each other, if it is destined, they will meet.

- lelaaaaaaa

🤗

[cicecice]

"aww u remembered" of course i did i'm in love with u

[cicecice]

mood disorders are very not fun, I dislike having borderline

[cicecice]

I never had any control over my body or what I wore, I wasn't taught really how to do much of anything I guess. I wasn't very smart. I think I had my first ever poster as a high school senior maybe. It may have been earlier it's hard to remember. I never had many things of my own so I think anything that's mine I end up really loving. I really cherish small little things.

[cicecice]

I didn't know how to show affection well, people only really ever hit me. I only knew how to do that as a child. I realized at a certain age that I was hurting people and I stopped touching anyone, I didn't want to hurt anyone ever again I think. I wish I was hugged I think, I think I wish I knew what it was like a bit more. I always want it now as an adult, I think I was messed up a little bit back then.

[cicecice]

I never really liked people my age, I liked people who were older because they would tell me how to do things. I wasn't good at doing much, I always tried very hard when I was younger I think. I didn't really understand things well for a long time though. I think I was called weird things by my family.

[cicecice]

I remember hiding from my father in the forest as a child, we thought he would murder us if he caught us. I remember being terrified more of the nuts on the ground though, I was a rather strange child. I remember his truck rolling past with him screaming profanities. I remember how close he was to where we were hiding, but I couldn't take my eyes off the ground.

[cicecice]

why won't everything stop hurting

[cicecice]

it's weird how little people will try and then wonder why you slowly stopped asking them about themselves, why you slowly stopped asking over and over again. Why are you always the one trying to figure out how their head works just because you like them just because you think they're really cool.

[cicecice]

I kinda feel like I've always been in a box in a box in a box repeating. Like I've been waiting for someone to take the effort to uncover all the sadness and fear I've been hiding like I've done for others. I don't know when I will let go of that delusion.

[cicecice]

[cicecice]

I've realized something about myself and other people recently. People are fundamentally always going to be looking out for themselves and will build walls of reasoning to defend their actions from scrutiny. I'm the pretty alt person with a tragic past you date when you're struggling and don't know what to do with life and need to dream. I don't have a family to go home to I will never have stability all I have is a pretty face and big big dreams and my heart. If someone needs to dream if they need to be spurred and treated kindly and to feel like they're progressing to become something they'll be attracted to me; but once they get there? It's happened multiple times now, they'll go from saying our dreams to my dreams, start focusing on other things and distance themselves, throw me away and all those dreams since they got where they needed to get. They got their two years of support they got their lap dog of a partner who spent all of their time supporting their dreams, and now that they've made them real? They're living them, but i can't keep up anymore, I never had the starting line. I'm still just struggling with ptsd and working job to job moving all over the state to follow these people I think will finally be the one, picking up my life again and again. I hate being borderline I hate being so fucking supportive I hate working so hard to be perfect to become the family I never had to people who move on saying we're at different points in life, using that excuse when they knew that this day would come, they knew but they lead me on just to use me, just to use all I had up again. I need to stop using my autistic ass brain's (I am actually on the spectrum) power to naively beleive anyone's lies and just see through it, but i can't I want to beleive the cute Pinterest boards or when they say they want to name our first kid this or that, it makes me feel happy really happy, I don't even like children I hate them they're loud. People just seem to make up anything at any time to justify why they can do whatever they want. I wish I could do the same sometimes.

[cicecice]

No offence but physical attraction isn't enough for me, we gotta vibe on a deeper level.

[cicecice]

for me it's that they allow me to exist in their periphery, being an angel isn't enough it seems

Staring at a bare minimum text wondering what unhealed part of me was attracted to this.

[cicecice]

someone who is always scared will only destroy all that they feared would destroy them

[cicecice]

“We’ll figure it out together” is a love language.

[cicecice]

How I'm arguing this year:

"You're right goodbye."